Jessica Simpson should never do this again

May 10th, 2009 // 114 Comments

Here’s Jessica Simpson performing in San Antonio last night, and who the hell is her choreographer? There’s no nudity, so it can’t be Joe Simpson. But whoever it is, the only stage direction they seem to be giving is “Make sure you look 10-15 pounds heavier, and if you could flash a little gut, icing on the cake.” Then again, that conversation could turn ugly once it’s revealed the cake is metaphorical. If there’s one thing Jessica Simpson hates, it’s metaphorical food. And dieting.


  1. GeorgeWBush

    @#50 Teddy….you forgot to mention that vegan chicks smell like rotten broccoli after they fart or quife (>o<)

  2. ctti

    This is wrong on so many levels. She used to be hot & now…this? Her shoes are ill-fitting and look cheap, her shorts are obviously way too short & that hideous vest-like thing is an eyesore. And speaking of the beached whale she’s morphed into, the saddest part of it is that she’s fat but has a flat ass. Sad.

  3. Awesome

    If you don’t want to hit that, you are either gay or have a small penis.

  4. justifiable

    #53 Or good taste.

  5. whopper jr.

    May I please fuck your tight, self-lubricated vagina hole?

  6. mmm yummy

    short stubby tree trunk legs. i have seen a lot worse in my time, but her legs could do with being somewhat skinnier before they should be displayed in those little shorts – even if they are reasonably toned and tanned.

  7. mmm yummy

    @ 53 i’m am totally gay and have a very small penis

  8. Holy Fucking God. She must be trying to overshadow Brits VMA disaster. Just put some more clothes on Jessica.

    @50 – It’s “REAL GIRLS EAT THEIR FEELINGS” now. Point me in Carrie Underwoods direction, please.

    Pregnant. What was going on last September? Severe constipation?

  9. James

    I think she looks hot.

  10. UK_Matt

    Still out of my league.


  11. justifiable

    #60 Matt, if you look anything like a nacho with a side of guacamole, you’ll score.

  12. Saul

    Jessica…….I wonder how she taste like. She looks like she taste good though

  13. linda green

    She is so tall and sexy. I know a place you can date with such sexy girls.
    *** Seekingtall.c o m *** which I have joined.­ I think it is interesting and you will like it.

  14. ana

    she is adorable, beautiful and very cute stop saying she’s fat cause i bet you’ll there looking like a baloon

  15. ana

    she is adorable, beautiful and very cute stop saying she’s fat cause i bet you’ll there looking like a baloon

  16. mikeock

    If she lived next door to me, and she wasn’t Jessica Simpson, I’d spend my days peeking through the curtains at her while stroking my johnson. She’s damn pretty by everyday standards! OK, by Hollywood standards she’s a cow, but what the fuck?

  17. amuseme

    she is an avarage girl. Still, avarage girls they don’t have bunch of money, trainers, staff, dietologists.
    If she can’t look better then my hairdresser she need to take a kick in her fat ass and get a real job (hint: pr0n).

  18. Initial_G

    Nothing really wrong with the way she looks. Her music is her music–like it or hate it.

    My only gripe is that in June’s Vanity Fair issue they clearly photoshopped the hell out of her to make her look thin again. Chances are its the magazine’s call to do it but it really blatant lie to people.

  19. Newcastle

    One bad pic of the bunch….get real. She’s fucking hot.

  20. shes still a pretty girl! great legs, obviously hiding her assets with that white rag! I can see she has done tons of cardio but hate crunches…She needs to find a set of ab exercise that she likes and stick to it! The Dallas cowboys are depending on this JESS!

  21. Badiggio

    NOW these pics should’ve been photoshopped like her vanity fair shoot.This is totally disgusting and the days of a sexy jessica Simpson are long gone.

    What a mistake for the Vanity Fair issue to come out and for her to perform in public looking like that;it only proves that the mag photoshopped everything{for those that had doubts}

  22. ohmy

    Didnt you forget “squat as if you are about to poo and wear platform shoesthat are two sizes too small, so that your big toe curls up just like a cute lil Keebler elf.”

  23. ohmy

    Didnt you forget “squat as if you are about to poo and wear platform shoesthat are two sizes too small, so that your big toe curls up just like a cute lil Keebler elf.”

  24. I R In U

    Truffle shuffle much?

  25. I wouldn’t mind those legs squeezing my head until my eyeballs popped out.

  26. kol

    Rednecks love her because she’s got that fat, stupid, hillbilly mommy look.

  27. Sammy

    Worse job in America: playing backup in Jessica Simpsons’ band.

  28. Quinn

    and there is everything that is wrong with our country…. We are Messed UP

  29. FromOutofFrakkinNoWhere

    I don’t know what you folks are whining about, but she looks good. I certainly wouldn’t pass up the chance to hit it.

  30. Krassy McKrass

    I think I need to finally give in and hit that ass.

  31. bananarama

    #71 No kidding, that cover is VF’s biggest joke since Miley Cyrus. It’s a US/People cover at best and it’s months too late. Photoshopping almost every single wrinkle off her dress (especially the bottom) is stupid and obvious – nobody’s clothes fit like that. So is trimming her arms. You can see the real thing here – and they sure don’t match the shopped ones on the cover. She looks like hammered shit dressed out of a Seattle Salvation Army grab bag.

  32. Delish

    Why doesnt she just admit she’spreggers already ….. jesus.

  33. bakinmycake

    Somewhere ; Howard Dean is smiling…….

  34. oink

    Looks like a scene with a milf on stage in a karaoke bar in the province.

  35. MissyWu

    What’s with the vest? It looks like part of Bea Arthur’s (RIP Bea) wardrobe left from The Golden Girls.

  36. Missy Wu

    What’s with the vest? It looks like she took Bea Arthur’s (RIP Bea) wardrobe from the set of The Golden Girls.

  37. techman

    You ever hear of those women who give birth in a mall bathroom and leave the baby there and then once they’ve been caught they say they had no idea they were pregnant?

    Ever wonder what kind of woman could be that dumb?

    Well… you know!

  38. wow, that’s some bad dancing. poor girl.

  39. Maybe she thinks her ankles are sexy.

  40. chupacabra


    I mean, I know blondes are dumb, but does *SHE* know she’s pregnant? Because I do. Me, and everyone else with brain that sees those shots. She’s about 4-5 months along.

  41. Caroline

    Her gut is disgusting, and it’s beyond hysterical to me that her P.R. team are trying to spin her new Vanity Fair expose as if she’s lost weight. Tony Romo needs to DUMP the Miss Piggy aka J. SImpson, and she should marry and airbrush artisist. OR do us all a favor, get out of the spotlight and eat the chicken fried steak, funnel cakes you want.
    Whatever happened to the trainer from The Dukes of Hazzards? WHy doesn’t Papa Joe just rehire him to do something about that gut? Her gluttony will be the bane of her career if something isn’t done and FAST.
    At least Daddy will always love her.

  42. thedude

    pic 9: she looks like that weird chick from “strangers with candy.”

  43. hmmm

    She looks fine in some photos, but her thighs look 50% bigger head-on when she is standing straight. I have the same problem. :(

  44. jacy

    i am embarrassed for her. bitch doesn’t have a clue.

  45. Cartman

    I think Jessica is gorgeous. Her legs are very nice too.

    Her outfits are very poor but who cares about fashion except faggots? I prefer to think of her naked or in that bikini from the Dukes movie, yum.

  46. JPRichardson

    I would love to go medieval on that ass…

  47. Michele

    You know what I hate more than the way she is dancing? The fact that someone would think that people from the south would wear whatever it is she is wearing. I wouldn’t wear that to a dog fight. It is horrible!

  48. Dr. Cornelia J. Dogbarker, PhD resciinded

    I bet she looks really hot when she’s getting tit-fucked.

  49. ctti

    People who think fashion is only for “faggots” seriously need a reality check. Even if you’re not in the industry or you don’t pay much attention to it, there’s no denying that her outfit is an abomination, just like that blatant lie of a V.F. photo shoot & her gut.

  50. Brooke

    Forget the dancing, forget the weird gut thing…. HER SHOES ARE PAINTED ON.

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