Jessica Simpson should never do this again

May 10th, 2009 // 114 Comments

Here’s Jessica Simpson performing in San Antonio last night, and who the hell is her choreographer? There’s no nudity, so it can’t be Joe Simpson. But whoever it is, the only stage direction they seem to be giving is “Make sure you look 10-15 pounds heavier, and if you could flash a little gut, icing on the cake.” Then again, that conversation could turn ugly once it’s revealed the cake is metaphorical. If there’s one thing Jessica Simpson hates, it’s metaphorical food. And dieting.


  1. mike

    Not that bad!

  2. pimp my dick

    omg first!!! this week its gonna be great!!! she sucks!!

  3. What’s with the red lower legs? Has she been stomping grapes?

  4. lambman

    she has a good, sexy boddy. but a retarded monkey could get dressed in the dark and come out with a more flattering outfit

  5. Andy

    @2 your gay get over it

    i would still do her

  6. Pam

    ewww shes so fat.

  7. justifiable

    #5 Andy, if you’d do her that doesn’t prove you’re straight. It means you have a fetish for my grandma’s sofa cushions.

  8. Get Happy and Stay That Way!

    She’s great.

  9. GaGa

    She needs to give up the daisy dukes already. A nice pantsuit or dress would be much more flattering for her figure.

  10. annika

    #7 Is that the vest thing that’s hanging down? it’s like a bad home-ec recycling project and it looks like ass. I can’t get over the too short platforms with her toes poking out over the edge. She has NOOOOO taste!

  11. Michelle

    She still looks WAY better than most people I come across on any given day. Lovely Legs!!!!

  12. hmm

    just look at her belly!!! shes pregnant !!!

  13. Miss Brown Eyes

    #12 — you called it! Pics #1 & #2 have the emerging pregnancy curve shadow….

  14. sin

    OH.. the red on her legs is from a fucked up spot light system. She really needs to shut up and get naked.

  15. Boogeyman King Dong

    You can actually see on some of these pics here that she loves that warm and moist feeling in her lower stomach.

  16. Potty Girl

    People shouldn’t put her down just because she’s getting obese with age.

  17. blah

    I don’t get it. She’s so capable of looking gorgeous, and yet it looks like she’s going out of her way to make herself look fat & dumpy. She truly does have an awful sense of fashion. Ugh

  18. Oh for Christ sake what is that? That top pic is so unflattering, Pretty soon we wont be able to make the distinction between Daisy Duke and LULU….

  19. Fati

    She’s lost it. Desperado.

  20. antihero

    Why the fuck is every other word in these posts double underlined? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, FISH!!

  21. Meg

    She’s very attractive and fairly talented… What she needs to do is fire EVERYONE and start with a new staff! Britney Spears looks better!!!

  22. dave

    MAN LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!

    She doesn’t quite have Beyonce beat, but almost. Take away her square hips, pregnant gut, and man legs she’d be hot!!

    Oh well…

  23. dave

    MAN LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!

    She doesn’t quite have Beyonce beat, but almost. Take away her square hips, pregnant gut, and man legs she’d be hot!!

    Oh well…

  24. Nick

    Fugly man face, looks like a total retard in these pics. Just zero sex appeal.

  25. saviana

    #20 It’s called in-text advertising, but way to take your anger about it to a whole new level.

    Compared to normal people, she looks good — then again, normal people don’t wear daisy dukes if they could stand to lose a few. She needs a reality check.

  26. Jojo

    It looks like she’s just parodying her parody in the Eminem music video.

  27. lola

    she is cute. A little bit too old to be wearing that

  28. Carolyn

    I want to beat her with those shoes.

  29. Pilatunes

    She has diarrhea.

  30. uggy

    is she preggo?

  31. jen

    Two words describe Jessica. Sexy & gorgeous!!

  32. Racer X

    I’d hit it so hard I’d need to use a sick day to keep it going the next day

  33. Netstarman

    Cookies all day and cake all night makes you look like Jessica Simpson , Shake that GUT Jessica . If she keeps shaking like that she’ll get a belly button that has popped out. Then on cold days she can put a beer koozie on it to keep warm.

  34. ha. ew

    Eww my eyes….

  35. d-ster

    There’s nothing I wouldnt do to jessica! what a bod!

  36. jm

    The photoshop crew at Vanity Fair is really skilled. They were able to make this pot bellied pig look human on last week’s cover.

  37. flatazz

    someone please tell her she needs to lay off the daisy dukes already…jeez.

  38. Kelsey

    Seeing as half of the women in this country are sadly busting out of their size 14/16 jeans I’d say Jessica’s looking pretty decent. Granted she’s put on a little weight but I’d take looking like this over looking like 75% of the women I see walking down the street everyday.

  39. the obvious

    She’s obviously pregnant and hasn’t confirmed it with the press yet. Her shoe line is amazing. I will forever love her for her line of shoes if nothing else.

  40. jinx

    Jessica is not the only woman in the world with a weight problem, but she is the only woman with a weight problem that I know of, that crams her lard into too small short shorts, flashes her blubbery belly, and props her stubby man legs up on ridiculous looking platform shoes and goes out on stage, hoping to be taken seriously as a singer.

    She needs to cover up her figure flaws, not assault audiences with them. Is she trying to punish people for not buying her crappy album by forcing them to look at her lard?

  41. jo

    Whatever it is, if it has Jessica Simpson’s name on it, I won’t buy it.

  42. awesome

    for more click on my name

  43. awesome

    for more click on my name

  44. yo

    flat as a board ass..ugly clothes, retarded facial expressions, uncoordinated..esp the first pic with the duck feet thing shes doin..double that dont fit…one redeeming quality, her face is still kinda cute. so if i could id say to her, dont try to dance EVER, grow your hair out a little more, stop with the streetwalker-redneck-grandma clothes and put on some jeans and a tight tee shirt. prob solved.

  45. She is still hesatating about a career as STAND UP-COMEDIAN, folks!!

  46. Nazi

    Pretty smokin’ in pic 6.
    I’d tap it, minus the chin. The chin’s gotta go.

  47. meme

    That girl is preggers. She done knocked herself up.

  48. Well, at least she actually sings in concert, unlike the rest of these pop-retards that cant sing a real note to save their lives. With that being said, Jessica needs to stop dressing like she’s 20lbs lighter then she is…

  49. teddy

    REAL GIRLS EAT MEAT? remember her shirt statement

    well looks like that just hit her hard …karma is a bitch lol

    vegetarian women are the sexiest, they don’t age nearly as bad or get soo sloppy fat fast unless they try to

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