Jessica Simpson: ‘My dog is fast, so she’s alive’

September 16th, 2009 // 90 Comments

And welcome to the saddest post of the day. Jessica Simpson is still holding on to hope that her dog Daisy, who was snatched by a coyote, is still alive and has doubled her search efforts while simultaneously pissing off her neighbors. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned Jessica has been in touch with a lost dog-finding service called FindToto.com — a company that power dials 1000 of Jessica’s closest neighbors in Encino, California to alert them about Simpson’s situation.
Sources close to the situation claim Jess is still “praying” for the dog, but she knows the “odds are against” her.
We’re told Jessica is still clinging to hope, because Daisy is “fast” …. and may have seized an opportunity to bolt from her captor.

I almost wanted to give Jessica props for being realistic and recognizing her dog’s a goner, but then I got to the part where she’s praying for Daisy’s return. Because God’s just sitting around waiting to rescue Malti-Poos from coyotes so they can live in a mansion. That’s the pressing issue on his plate.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. killerabbit

    Sigh.

  2. frank

    its not herpes if its everywhere

  3. timbo

    Unfortunately, that dog is gone.

    Someone buy this girl a Happy Meal. Once she is distracted by the food and the toy, she’ll forget all about the dog.

  4. gotmilk?

    um, i thought they dog was snatched right before her eyes? now she thinks that the sorry excuse for a dog got away from the mouth of a coyote? sure, Jessica, that’s totally what happened.

  5. ChickenOfTheSea

    Does she think that clear umbrella is going to shield her from the sun?

  6. oh yeah, right there...that's it...oh shit, oh shit...ummmmpffff.....mmmmmmmm *sigh*

    Perhaps my penis erupting into her moistened cunt might help ease the pain? Just sayin’.

    Call me!

  7. Clamhammer

    Derp

  8. richard prickier

    She’s so stupid that it’s annoying

  9. BlackSamTX

    @5

    No shit… and it doesn’t look like its raining. Celebutard.

  10. Oliver Chester The Molester Lester

    I really wish I were between this girl’s legs.

  11. havoc

    That Malti-Poo is already Coyote-Poo…..

    .

  12. haha

    Celebrities can’t hold their own umbrellas?

  13. Bay

    Those are some pretty dark shadows cast on a rainy day.

  14. farles chew

    They grow up from being dumb blondes to sad retarded girls so fast.

  15. bitchin

    look at that poor bastard trying to keep that umbrella over her..thats gotta be the shittiest of the shit jobs out there. whats wrong with her that she cant hold her own umbrella? i think he should go all britney with that thing.

  16. Randal(l)

    All the speed in the world wont help you when your dangling from a coyotes hungry mouth. by now her Malti-poo is just coyote-poo….sexy, sexy coyote-poo

    Randal(l)

  17. Dar

    If someone sees their kid get snatched by a stranger who then drives off, are they supposed to go, “Oh, well–she’s probably dead. I wonder what’s on TV tonight?”

    Clearly she understands that her poor dog is very likely long gone, but can’t she cling to a little hope without being flame-broiled by heartless morons?

    You people suck.

  18. MissGuyDead

    Ok so she has more money than sense (no argument there) BUT she didn’t spend the money to have her beloved dog microchipped??

    If nothing else at this point they could locate the coyote & she could wrestle it swearing her poor baby is in there.

  19. greenman

    Silly coos. Brains are for men.

  20. Brian

    nom,nom,nom,nom

  21. chris

    man i still would like her ass

  22. God The Almighty

    The word “his” should be capitalized in the last sentence. For my son’s sake, show me some respect.

    “That’s the pressing issue on His plate.”

  23. GTBurns

    15 Give the umbrella guy a break, Jess should be commended hiring him after he lost his job because his previous employer died of diprivan overdose.

  24. Snow J. Frost

    Sorry to correct the Superfish and the Imposter @ 22.
    It should be

    “That’s the pressing issue on her plate.” (uncapitalized, cause she ain’t vain.)

  25. Amy

    #19, fuck you.

  26. otto

    oh fish, did your mommy beat you when you were a guppy?

  27. otto

    oh fish, did your mommy beat you when you were a guppy?

  28. oh boy

    Sorry to say, but I think by now her little dog is nothing but droppings in the California landscape.

  29. Wiley Coyote

    Look, I’m a lazy bastard. I’m hungry. That fucking roadrunner was just too much you know? While this little turd dog was just a snack, food is food, know what I mean? I didn’t even have to build a contraption from ACME to catch the little bugger, just walked right up to her and snatched it. Almost broke a tooth on one of the collar-diamonds, but shit, I can cash that in and take a vacation. By the way, the dog tasted like ass, so I wouldn’t recommend adding to any menus soon. But like I said, food is food, and I had to do what I had to do. Please don’t hate me.

  30. Ryan Of Awesomeland

    Ok, has NO ONE taken note that Jessica and her entourage are so dumb that the guy’s shading her from the sun with a CLEAR UMBRELLA ???

    ??

    ??

    There’s dumb… and there’s DUMB.

  31. Ryan Of Awesomeland

    Ok, has NO ONE taken note that Jessica and her entourage are so dumb that the guy’s shading her from the sun with a CLEAR UMBRELLA ???

    There’s dumb… and then there’s DUMB. [<– in Kanye CAPS] :)

  32. tcash

    #31, I was just going to say that!!!!!!!!!!! Dumb!

  33. ___

    Hey #17, don’t be a fucking idiot.

  34. Well Then

    Well, all I have to say is two things, three at most. First off, That dog is most likely gone because if it IS alive, it’s either now at the pound, where if the animal isn’t claimed within 2-3 days they put it to sleep. OR, considering it’s a celebrity dog, and the news is all over, someone may have found it, and kept it for themself to make them feel special. Also, that’s wishful thinking that PRAYING is going to save your dog, but sorry, it’s not. Get off your behind and look for your dog…That’s what i’d do if my dog was lost. Technically if I saw my dog being carried off by a coyote, I would have followed it, threw a huge rock at it, jumped in my car and drove after it, shot it, what have you. How did she seriously manage to sit there and “watch” it be carried off. Unless of course it happened at night while she was sleeping or inside the house, but from her story that’s unlikely. Seriously this is dumb. Sorry you lost your dog Jessica Simpson, and I have nothing against you, but maybe you should have been more careful. Take this dog as a lesson learned that you need to be more careful, and if you get a dog in the future, don’t take it for granted, expecially if it’s a tiny dog. =/

  35. Pilatunes

    Feel sorry for the little pooch.

    I think a sequence of cunnilingus induced orgasms would do her a world of good. I am happy to help.

  36. Pilatunes

    Feel sorry for the little pooch.

    I think a sequence of cunnilingus induced orgasms would do her a world of good. I am happy to help.

  37. Don Juan

    Maybe she watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua too many times? Maybe she thinks there’s an army of little dogs out there in the desert ready to protect her little Daisy? That little dog quicker than a hungry Coyote? No way, Jose.

  38. Don Juan

    Maybe she watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua too many times? Maybe she thinks there’s an army of little dogs out there in the desert ready to protect her little Daisy? That little dog quicker than a hungry Coyote? No way, Jose.

  39. ROUGH daddy

    I thought Dough Bruckner was doing well?

  40. aunt jemima

    Why hasn’t she called Ace Ventura : Pet Detective?

  41. sam

    Yeah, she looks pretty dumb with that umbrella, but you know how you can’t tan through a window because glass blocks the UV rays? Wouldn’t plastic do the same thing? Assuming the goal is to protect her precious skin from the sun and not to shield her precious eyes from the light.

  42. Geoff

    Jessica dahling, dunno how to break this to you… but… coyotes are the 9th fastest land animals. Unless little Malti-Poo was lucky enough to get away from the coyote, and able to run wounded faster than 43 mph, I am afraid… Malti-Poo… is now just… poo…

  43. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  44. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  45. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  46. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  47. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  48. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  49. Whippet

    I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

    If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody’s misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

  50. Alexis

    #18 As far as I know, that is not how the microchips placed in pets work…its not like a GPS device. If the pet gets taken to a shelter or pound, they scan it for a chip which then gives the owner’s information. So it won’t do the dog or Jess any good. :(

    Poor Jess…I would be devastated, too. Even if you hate her, any loving pet owner should sympathize.

Leave A Comment