Jessica Simpson might be a cow

January 5th, 2007 // 103 Comments

jessica-simpson-fat.jpgIs that mean? Is that mean of me to call Jessica Simpson a cow just because she looks like she gained 80 pounds and forgot how to walk? I mean I don’t want to be mean. So if that’s mean just pretend I didn’t even say it. Because she’s not a cow. She’s a person. With feelings. And emotions. And possibly hooves where her feet should be.

Thanks to the sextacular Kelly for the tip. I hear she once made Brad Pitt orgasm just by winking at him.

NOTE: Turns out she’s filming an ad for Pizza Hut here, which I think really helps her case against being a cow. I mean geez, she might as well be doing a public service announcement for mayonnaise.


  1. Jenn

    In 10 years she’ll be the new Rosie ODonnell.
    And she’ll turn into a lesbian eventually…

  2. Mooserepellant

    #51 – Apparently she’s already 2/3 of the way there.

  3. meg21

    For the “its photoshopped” peeps its actually 1 of 2 shots that I’ve seen (on PITNB I think)
    And why is this surprising anyway? Jess was chunky when she did that Dolly tribute…..

  4. Forbidden

    she may look overweight in that pic, but still Jessica Simpson is 1 billion times prettier and hotter than the no ass, no tits, no curves, stick body with cellulite, average face Jessica Alba you’re so obsessed about.

    Jessica Simpson is so pretty and waaay hotter!!! (actually pretty and hot, not like Alba)

  5. Forbidden

    she may look overweight in that pic, but still Jessica Simpson is 1 billion times prettier and hotter than the no ass, no tits, no curves, stick body with cellulite, average face Jessica Alba you’re so obsessed about.

    Jessica Simpson is so pretty and waaay hotter!!! (actually pretty and hot, not like Alba)

  6. Forbidden

    woah, so funny Superfish, if you post pictures of a gorgeous girl trying to call her cow, at least post the real deal and not photoshoped pictures. This is the real one:

    you were afraid she would so outshine your Jessica Alba ROFLOL??

  7. tess

    Remember her “Dukes of Hazard” days when she used to be so lean and hot? Gosh, what a difference a year make.

  8. tess

    Guess the Minnillo-Lachey perfect New Years picture really hit her hard. After seeing them, she went straight to Taco Bell and ordered their whole stock. Then she went on a nice date with Ben & Jerry.

  9. Mooserepellant

    #57 – Lay off the Superfish dude. That’s not even the same picture, you douche.

  10. sol

    she looks like she’s having a whale of a time

  11. Carsten5577

    She’s fat, short, stumpy, ugly, and a fake blonde.

  12. Actually I think she looks good with a little extra weight. Lots of girls do. I’ll admit I’ve put on a few extra pounds, but I think I still look pretty hot if I do say so myself!

  13. Dingles

    pfft, she looks fine. she’s always been naturally curvy, and she said before that she pretty much had to starve herself and work out 7 days a week to get the daisy duke body.

    anyway who cares. i think the fact that she’s doing commercials for freakin pizza hut makes a few extra pounds the least of her worries. while her peers are doing chanel and gucci…she’s doing pizza hut. yup, that’s a crowning achievement right there.

  14. uuhleesuh

    are you kidding me…. yah she gained some weight but she isnt fat… she looks like a NORMAL girl who doesnt have an eating disorder.

  15. fearsarewishes


    Celetina, that is some deeply disturbing shit. Outstanding effort.

  16. biatcho

    This goes for anyone named Krom:

    If you think Jessica Simpson is not a fat cow then you must be:

    A. Jessica Simpson
    B. Joe Simpson

    Chances are you’re B and that you like to fuck your own family members. As Dick Vitale would say, incest is best. baby!

  17. chicagogirl

    she is not fat that pic is photoshopped..she looks great and is a beautiful girl…what a bunch of jealous people..if she was anorexic we would call her zombie! lighten up guys

  18. wedgeone

    #44 – 46: there is a difference between curvy and sexy and just plain fat & sloppy.
    - Curvy & Sexy: Jess in The Dukes of Hazzard last year.
    - Fat & Sloppy: Jess in this Pizza Hut commercial.
    Look at the gunt for God’s sake!

    #57 – You’re a day late & a dollar short. See #31. And personally I take Alba over Simpson any day of the week.

    #63 – FTLTC!

    #64 – good point! Pizza Hut & Direct TV (using really bad computer enhancement to make her mouth look like she’s actually saying what we’re hearing) is a top-shelf gig. NOT.

  19. sol

    actually i think it’d be awesome to hook up with her now. she’s impossibly dumb, has major (pimp)daddy issues, and now she’s getting fat. if you just said “you’re purdy, and like way more talented than Asslee” she’d be willing to do absolutely anything. you could work your way through the entire Urban Dictionary, as long as you had enough lube and disinfectant soap. and then you sell the tape to Joe. all in all, quite a deal.

  20. Bell91501198

    I’d hit it.

  21. BSfan


    If you looked up asshat in the dictionary you’d see your picture next to it.

    Alba is HOT. She’s way hotter then Simpson.

    And as for her. Yeah she’s gained a few pounds, but she’s not fat just a little chubby.

    I’d still do her.

    Ya know what they say… The more chusion the better the pushin.

  22. farty mcshitface

    she was never impressive ever. but, i will say she is doing better than brit which isn’t saying much.

  23. Bell91501198


    I thought it was “more cushion for the pushin’?”

  24. Lowlands

    (57)I still can count her “lovehandles”.

  25. Lowlands

    (75)I’m still counting…

  26. Oh, yeah. Sitting at your desk and typing this article, I would hope that you look STUNNINGLY GLAMOUROUS yourself.

  27. Lowlands

    (77)Almost as stunningly as yourself.

  28. ffordegroupie

    It’s not any of those things. It’s “the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’.”

  29. BSfan

    #74 and 79

    As muc as I love a spirited debate I believe all three are socially acceptable.

    The point is I’d still hit that thang.

  30. Lowlands

    (77,78)I forgot to say “dear” *wink*.

  31. Lolitapink1985

    Ok, while i don’t necesarily agree that shes fat, i think that when youre a big time celebrity whos constantly in the public eye, your job is to look good, cause thats why they pay you. I mean thats like if i started flunking out in school or started slacking off at work, i would get fired simple as that. And she has no excuse to be fat, because if i had tons of money, free time in my hand, and enough motivation to realized that i could lose it all if i didnt look like a supermodel, i would get my shit together to look hot. I understand that shes been through a tough time, but she not a regular person like us who can have that pleasure of eating a ton of ice cream when we feel depressed, considering she can afford the best shrink and antidepressive pills so she has no excuse to be over her normal weight.

  32. Byrdi

    I can’t stand the chick, but to call her fat is SICK. Where is the balance? Why does everyone have to be less than a size 4? And yes I am 5 ft 9 in and a size 4, but lighten the hell up. You’re all perpetuating these unbelievable standards of vanity.

  33. #77. I do look quite handsome in my uniform, and last month I was awarded the drive through employee of the month, bitch.

  34. elizabeththewellread

    So the photo on this site was helped along a little. . .I really enjoyed getting to poke fun at JS for a few minutes. So she’s not really fat–she’s still practically retarded.

  35. Carsten5577

    “And yes I am 5 ft 9 in and a size 4,”

    Funny BS. Only a fat and ugly pig would get upset at someone calling a spade a spade. She’s fat (and so are you)… deal with it and stop whining. God, I hate fat people.

  36. EliasAlucard

    Hey stop insulting cows! They have feelings too!


  37. mikewall

    I have a hard time believing that is her, not too long ago she looked like this Sexiest Jessica Simpson Pictures

  38. DieFrau

    Jessica Simpson is a midget, she’s like 5’3 and no she shouldn’t be a size 6.

    For her height anything above size 2 is fat, so all you fat chicks need to stop blabbing and buy a mirror.
    She looks like a big fat red cow and her face doesn’t help either.

  39. cole007

    In my opinion, Celetina still takes the best posting for this one.

    It’s not so much that Jessica just has curves, like the Dove Commercials and 80% of healthy women out there, it’s that she is incredibly dumb.

    Plus, her face lift at 17, nose job, eye lift, and lip plumping made her look wrong. Just wrong.

    If she let her hair go natural (BROWN! – there is NOTHING wrong with having Brown hair) stopped tanning, and just spent her free time (lord knows she has alot) working out? She’s be back to hot in no time and I think she could go a little gothy maybe, tuck the sack back, put on some rough… you know… She just needs to tone up the abs a bit and do some lunges.

    Listen, I betch half of the people posting here have “cubicle ass” if you know what mean.

  40. SassyLeo83

    Okay, yes she has gained a little weight as we all do. Big deal. She is still beautiful and I think she looks a hell of a lot better with some meat on her bones then she did in that ?movie?. Her frame does not look right at 108 pounds which is how much she weighted in the dukes of hazard. She looked horrible. She is under a lot of stress and like all of us, eats junk food. You are all making her sound obese, maybe she needs to loose 10 pounds that?s it. Not everyone can look like nasty Pamela Anderson. At least Jessica is not afraid to have some curves which all women should have. She is happy with herself, we should be too. Just leave her alone. She always loses weight after awhile anyway. Look at this picture, tell me if you think she looks better with some meat on her or anorexic.

  41. cole007

    I meant “rouge” as in red.

  42. cole007

    #91 – I like either way, but she looks better natural, somewhere inbetween those two weighs, and probably not “trying so hard” to look like someone else. She needs to find a personality.

  43. tsarinaamanda


    Yikes, you scare me. Really, what the hell is wrong with your face? And your hair? I need eye bleach…STAT! I’m no fucking supermodel, but I look a hell of a lot better than you, if I looked like you, I sure as hell wouldn’t go around advertising it….

  44. sol

    she does resemble anna nicole here. maybe a cross between ANS and her dead son? then you get both the big ass and the small depressed penis.

  45. DieFrau

    How can anyone even think of comparing Jessica Alba with this Simpson chick? Alba is a 10 while Simpson is more like a 2.

  46. danigirl

    aww jessica! no matter how fat or skinny she is…shes beautiful…die hard fan <3

  47. Roni

    MEAN??? Yeah, your being mean. When you can look in the mirror and see perfection, then and only then can you make such an asinine comment. It’s people like you that are responsible for Nicole Richie looking like a walking bag of bones. It’s people like you that are responsible for the young girls starving themselves and models being so skinny that they are dead!

  48. meh – she’s still hot

  49. yeah, but i’d still pork the cow!

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