Jessica Simpson might be a cow

January 5th, 2007 // 103 Comments

jessica-simpson-fat.jpgIs that mean? Is that mean of me to call Jessica Simpson a cow just because she looks like she gained 80 pounds and forgot how to walk? I mean I don’t want to be mean. So if that’s mean just pretend I didn’t even say it. Because she’s not a cow. She’s a person. With feelings. And emotions. And possibly hooves where her feet should be.

Thanks to the sextacular Kelly for the tip. I hear she once made Brad Pitt orgasm just by winking at him.

NOTE: Turns out she’s filming an ad for Pizza Hut here, which I think really helps her case against being a cow. I mean geez, she might as well be doing a public service announcement for mayonnaise.


  1. Dcrew220

    Isn’t this for a commercial or something?

    1000′s of cheats for PS3, Wii, Xbox360 and PSP

  2. are you sure thats not anna nicole circa 2001?

  3. tits_on_snack

    She looks like Anna Nicole. Smith. Not that other Anna Nicole. You know the one I’m talking about.

  4. allyrising

    Cow or no cow, she still looks better than Britney.

  5. RichPort

    What can I say..? Chicks walk funny and gain about 30 lbs after a night with my johnson…

  6. ToiletDuck

    I think she’s got Mini-Me underneath that tent of a dress…

  7. ToiletDuck

    She looks like she’s about to fall flat on her face – mind you, figuratively speaking, she does the same thing every time she opens her mouth to “sing”…

  8. outrageous.opinion

    WAit! I thought that was Anna NIcole too!

  9. boobiezmagee

    Her body is so not a wonderland.

  10. Celetina

    I’m not going to call her fat, because that could well be a trick of that inhumanly unflattering dress, but I will say that she’s gained a lot of weight in a short time. Maybe the shock of it all is what’s causing her to jump up and fall down at the same time.

    Jessica Simpson
    1/2 ounce pity
    1 ounce failure
    2 ounces ultimately worthless marketing
    1 ounce tears from Anna Nicole Simpson
    1/2 ounce Kirstie Alley
    3 drops incest

    Add into a glass, one tablespoon at a time, all the while muttering to yourself that it wasn’t supposed to be this way and that your sister’s going to fall on her face soon enough and then it’ll be back to YOU again, just you WAIT. As you stir the drink languidly while sobbing, have your father come up from behind you and slap you a couple times while he unzips his jeans, saying he has to punish you for disappointing the family…

  11. Cows aren’t that stupid.

    paris hilton sleeps with a monkey at crabbie’s

  12. Binky

    Looks like she dances a bit like me.

  13. danielle

    Come back here!-Joe

    Chesticca’s mom- Seriously Joe, grow up. Can’t you see that she’s filming?

    Joe- I only wanted to chase her a little bit. Maybe it’ll burn off some extra calories. Whatever.

    Chesstica- Damn, did I leave my Valtrex in the trailer? Too late for that. Maybe I can hide in that bush over there.

  14. ToiletDuck

    Maybe she has acid reflux…

  15. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    253 straight days eating obscene amounts of pudding and calzones to get this body and you’re not going to watch me in DirecTV HD?It’s broadcast in 1080i. I totally don’t know what that means, but I want it. I also want a hot dog.

  16. danielle

    @15. HAHAHAHA!

    Only, I think she scarfed down Minnillo instead of those calzones.

  17. Binky

    (They’re going to have to change the standard to 2080i to get it all in)

  18. ToiletDuck

    Elsie the Milk Cow dances the jig, like her stupid, talentless, lipsynching, little cocksucker of a sister…

  19. It’s weird how Ashlee is now the hot sister…

  20. She wants to be just like Anna Nicole when she grows up. And look, she’s already halfway there.

    You stay classy Jessica.

  21. Is Anna Nichole Smith hiding under her dress?

  22. LinguisticAnthro

    #10, the dress isn’t unflattering – her fat body is. A year ago she’d have looked great in it.

  23. misanthrope

    I think this is for an ad for Pizza Hut, hence the extra poundage/cow like appearance.

  24. bush twins

    it can’t be her, there’s no peenlette bulge

  25. Don Boogie

    I would sooo hit that.

  26. Truthseeker013

    As a fan of cows, I strongly resent this correlation.

  27. jesseeca

    even though she does look large, i’m she she’s still smaller than she used to be. she wouldn’t look so big now if she hadn’t withered away to nothing for that movie (and i use the word movie loosely). none of this matter though because clearly she’s trying to wear clothes that she USED to be able to wear.

  28. wedgeone

    Adn just when I thought that #15 had all of the funny wrapped up on this issue, #17 came along & took it to the next level.
    THAT’S why I love this blog – everybody challenging everybody else to take funny to new heights. Way to work together!!

    Where was this picture taken anyway? All that mayhem in the background makes it look like the alley behind a junkyard or something.

  29. BoognishRising

    “Case for”, Mr. Superfish, not “case against”.

  30. kate

    The guy who trained her for Dukes of Hazzard must be ready to slit his wrists. “I spent 6 fucking months working that bimbo out and then she goes and ruins it by drowning herself in Ho Ho’s!!”

  31. jesseeca

    i dunno #31, it doesn’t look that far off. maybe she decided to breathe and someone got a photo of her letting out her gut.

  32. MrSemprini

    #10, that was really creepy

  33. bush twins

    what does this have to do with jessica alba?

  34. H8TR

    The photo from TMZ shows even more bludges than this one. Dif is the belly, which is on full display here.
    Jessica should have been filming for Ben and Jerry’s…..”Chunky Monkey” comes to mind.

  35. H8TR

    Yep, like I said, it shows even more bludges, never mind the bulges, too…..Er…..

  36. dreamhypnotique

    Somewhere in a one-room studio apartment, O.J. Simpson is rejoicing in the fact that he’s not the most repulsive Simpson on the planet anymore, and somewhere on Evergreen Terrace in Springfield, Homer Simpson is rejoicing that he isn’t the fattest one.

  37. seattleite

    #31: Or the ORIGINAL is photoshopped and we are looking at the real Jess

  38. bluecanary

    There is no excuse for a person with this much money being this fat. NONE.

    But it still makes me smile to see how far she has tumbled.

  39. Jenster

    i conur with all the Anna comments, I just didnt wanna be like the hundreth person who said it.

  40. Aunty BigTits

    She really looks like Satan’s chubby little secret

  41. Krom

    I bet Jessica would look totally do-able with some added weight. Unfortunately, like most women, she’ll listen to the homosexuals and embittered women who tell her that resembling the Cryptkeepter is how to land a guy.

    Put some pounds on, Jess. The only workout you’ll need is with me, between the sheets.

  42. Krom

    This goes for everyone here.

    If you think Jess looks worse as the result of accumulating soft, full, womanly curves you are one of things.

    1. A homosexual male (I’m not judging)
    2. An ugly female

    There are no alternatives

  43. Krom

    This goes for everyone here.

    If you think Jess looks worse as the result of accumulating soft, full, womanly curves you are one of two things:

    1. A homosexual male (I’m not judging)
    2. An ugly female

    There are no alternatives

  44. kacsing

    NO way. That HAS to be Anna Nicole. There is no way she would put that much weight on!
    Dang. If that is her, (and let us remember folks, she get’s paid for looking good)maybe the headlines should’ve said “Jessica Simpson EATS a cow.”

  45. Haaha I agree with 38.

    Enough said:]

  46. kacsing

    I stand corrected.

  47. She must have caught down syndrome from having sex with John Mayer.

  48. kacsing

    #22 OH MY GOD!!! “Buzz, your girlfriend! WOOF!”

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