Jessica Simpson is a sparkly sausage

December 1st, 2009 // 102 Comments

For the record, I’m not saying Jessica Simpson looks fat in these pics as much as I’m saying it took a team of Norwegian welders to get that dress around her giant torso. There’s a difference.

Photos: Splash News, WENN
superficial

  1. Cainus

    I would so plow her…

  2. nadsak

    She looks fine to me. Nothing wrong with looking realistic.

  3. Parker

    Speaking of sausage, I want to slip my sausage into her warm soft ass and give her a nice soothing buttfucking.

  4. TC

    I’d hit it. Several times. I don’t think I know a man who wouldn’t.

  5. She’s looking pretty hot. Sorry to hear about her talent though.

  6. Taz

    Fuck yeah I would bang that

  7. RB

    I still think she looks like Andy Pettite in drag…but then again I’d TOTALLY bang Andy Pettite. He was smokin’ in Employee of the Month

  8. Harold^Sick

    Looking great, as always.

  9. judy

    Recently, I discovered a hot place — S e e k T a l l . c o m — where many sexy tall singles who like fashion and chatting there. I’m an open minded girl from US, I also like discuss fashion and love with tall guys on it!

  10. I think she looks fucking amazing and sexy.

  11. I would gladly tap that…she might have a little more meat on her but atleast its got her milk jugs bigger too.

  12. NORAD Bush

    For all the complaining everyone does about Jessica Simpson’s weight, I’d still hit that shit raw. Sparkles optional.

  13. feebl

    i would have gay (anal) sex with her

  14. kenortega

    I’d hit, and spray her face with my jizz, hoping that it will did something for her plain face. She has nice tits, but her face is annoying stupid looking at times.

  15. kenortega

    I’d hit, and spray her face with my jizz, hoping that it would did something for her plain face. She has nice tits, but her face is annoying stupid looking at times.

  16. Sparkles rule

    I’d hit that ass silly.

  17. Franci

    I don’t think she is fat, the dress is just not flattering. The sequins is sewn in a horizontal pattern and she hasn’t realized horizontal stripes do not look good on her. She wore them once before on a sweater dress and it makes her look “fluffy”

  18. Ain't Nothing Wrong Here

    I don’t see what the problem is here. Mariah is twice Jessica’s size and I’d hit her in a heartbeat. Jessica looks fine and very doable.

    Now if she’d just finish high school and get a little college under her belt, I’d let her speak during sex. And maybe afterward, too.

  19. Tony Homo

    Jess
    Please let me hike that skirt up just enough to slide my texas beefsteak into your backdoor corral. I will pull out then cover them sparkles with spackle.

    Wink Wink Luv Ya

    Tony’s Baloney

  20. lili

    holy uneven spray tan, batman!

  21. Ben

    I don’t get why some people are so bitchy about her. She’s fucking super hot. Any man would be happy to be with a woman who looked like Jessica Simpson. I don’t get why everyone is always making fun of her. She’s so sexy.

  22. Emily

    SHE LOOKS GREAT. Any criticism of her weight is unfounded and only perpetuates unrealistic expectations for women’s body. I challenge you to broaden your understanding of beauty. Its a lot harder than shitting on someone for an extra 15 pounds.

  23. Emily

    SHE LOOKS GREAT. Any criticism of her weight is unfounded and only perpetuates unrealistic expectations for women’s body. I challenge you to broaden your understanding of beauty. Its a lot harder than shitting on someone for an extra 15 pounds.

  24. Rick

    “SHE LOOKS GREAT. Any criticism of her weight is unfounded and only perpetuates unrealistic expectations for women’s body. I challenge you to broaden your understanding of beauty.”

    I see Women’s Studies 101 is still requiring students to memorize the first page from the 1970 textbook.

  25. Dan

    I would fuck the ever living shit out of that! those fun bags would get a beating as well!! God dam picture those thighs wrapped around your face!

  26. Rough'in ain't easy

    You know why you shouldnt compliment a girl as lovely as Jessica? because shes going to think wearing panty girdle are OK, which is apparent to me in these pics…She has all the time in the world why doesnt she apply the fat reducing cream or something…`~luv you more jess ten lbs less~

  27. dude_on

    She is definitely worthy of dirty, nasty sex even as a plumper. I would just like to see the look on her face while explaining the difference between a noun and a pronoun. Then we could get naked and I could console her and explain why it doesn’t really matter.

  28. Fumus

    Dear Jessica Defenders,

    Whilst I agree remarks about our fair maiden Jessica might be quite heinous and made in poor jest, they are not unfounded. Ms. Simpson has been looking quite portly for some time indeed. Must I remind you that those in the public eye cannot live by the standards of you and I? Furthermore, she’s clearly fat, exists solely as a tabloid figure as she’s neither a musician or actress anymore….why are you defending her?

    Sincerely yours,
    Fumus

  29. pimp

    I’d eat a sausage out of her ass…

  30. Mike

    What size you think she is right now? 12? 14?

  31. Delgo

    like thick

  32. SparkleDarkle

    How is she even a celebrity anymore? Her career is OVER. She can’t give a record away.

    After bombing out in movies no one wants to hire her to act, and her handbag line is being sold at outlets. She still probably has a nice chunk of change left in the ol’ bank account, but other than that, it’s game over.

    She’ll never cross 7 figures again in a year unless she gets naked for Playboy or has a sex tape on the market.

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  34. truth

    “I don’t get why some people are so bitchy about her. She’s fucking super hot.”

    She has a square jaw that gives her a manly face when she gets fat (like now). And she’s petite so she looks stumpy when she gets fat (like now). She WAS super hot. She’s not anymore. But, there are always a bunch of grateful guys who think it’s a huge deal to score with a fatty who used to be hot.

  35. Anonymous

    Tony Romo has got to be the happiest guy on the planet after dumping this halfwit. Can you imagine having to talk to her for more than five minutes? Exhausting.

  36. me

    oh come on! how “fat” are you? she looks nice. not everybody is anorexic.

  37. King Arthur

    Give me back my chain mail, you bitch!

  38. Don't talk about your sister like that

    Fuck yeah I would bang that

    i would have gay (anal) sex with her

    I’d hit, and spray her face with my jizz, hoping that it would did something for her plain face. She has nice tits, but her face is annoying stupid looking at times.

    I would fuck the ever living shit out of that! those fun bags would get a beating as well!! God dam picture those thighs wrapped around your face!

    I’d eat a sausage out of her ass..

    ————————————————————————-
    You 15 year olds should stop talking about what you dream about doing to your mothers and sisters.
    ————————————————————————-

  39. being overly judgemental and hyper-sexual is the superficial’s default setting.

    If you’re pissed that horney guys are saying they’d like to stick a sausage in her ass, or vindictive girls are criticizing her every curve, thats just business as usual on the superficial. No amount of self-righteous blither blather is going to change anything.

    carry on I say!

    BTW superfish, I’m still pissed that you removed my comment with the “r” word in it, the one that rhymes with ape. How is saying that Kim Kardashian’s whorish disney princess halloween costume taped my childhood any worse than the rest of the stuff posted on here? I mean if you’re going to censor me at least remove the fake dating website posts too. I think thats a fair compromise.

  40. Danklin24

    You’re an asshole Fish. I’d fuck the shit out of that and i know you would too.

  41. hendero

    She looks like the Selfridges building in Birmingham, UK (I’m sure all SF readers will know the reference, but here’s a link just in case http://images-2.redbubble.net/img/art/size:large/view:main/2604225-2-selfridges-building-birmingham.jpg).

    Only bigger. Many, many times bigger.

  42. andy7171

    I’d destroy that one too!

  43. Rupert

    It looks like she could squat a busload of ham.

  44. tc

    Skanky skinnies take note.

    The overwhelming response here is that her figure generates the urge to fuck.

    I certainly find her erectrifying.

  45. Once upon a time before plastic tits became all the rage…women that had naturally large breasts were usually curvier. Once upon a time women did not have paper white horse teeth….I could go on and on. We apparently have lost sight of what the human body really looks like.

  46. JiggaJay

    I would tie this slam pig up and nut all over her for days…..

  47. meme

    She’s not fat, she just doesn’t know how to dress herself. Sparkly horizontal stripes, – not flattering. And she’s got big boobs and the dress seems too tight for her boobs.

  48. OPS

    I’d let her toss my salad.

  49. cc

    She’s not as slim as she used to be but, yes, if she came home in that dress it would be up around her waist, panties round one ankle (I love that), and me clinging to her pony tail Elizabeth Lambert style before she had time to put her purse down.

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