Jessica Simpson has penned a rambling, stream-of-consciousness, punctuation-free letter to her fans. It may make you kinda dizzy:
“I just wanted to let ya’ll know that with everything we go through in life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the right, the wrong, the-think-we-don’t-belong, we all have to allow our hearts to remain open to create who we are,” Simpson says. “Find that for yourself no matter what. Take the advice from the wisdom of those we love.” Simpson then goes on to quote from Corinthians 15:33, saying, “Remember that bad company corrupts good character.” Nor does she stop there. ” … Breathe to allow yourself the freedom to just be. Getting to know yourself is so important. Spend time alone with your thoughts for this creates a world of true serenity. Do not be afraid. Inner beauty, outward charm — greet everyone we meet with a smile (unless it is paparazzi — haha), a smile is contagious.” She concludes this love manifesto with the following: “I love you guys so much and appreciate the support through all the unfortunate pain of loss. What doesn’t kill us makes stronger. Carry on. Soar. Glide. Fly. This is a wonderful life.”
I don’t even know where to start. It’s like she got lost in a Hallmark shop. This is something an eleven-year-old girl writes after a 7th Heaven marathon. And the sick thing is that undoubtedly after Jessica completed this, she silently nodded to herself, with tears in her eyes, and whispered “Yes. This is my best work yet.” And then her sister tells her “Jess, sweetie, you were typing on the piano.”
Thanks to Angie for the tip.
Geno | February 2, 2006 at 10:10 am
After reading this post, I need somebody to hold me.
rachel | February 2, 2006 at 10:13 am
If only we were all as wise as her.
georgina | February 2, 2006 at 10:21 am
Amen
Kelly | February 2, 2006 at 10:23 am
She got confused and released her next crappy single online. Or maybe she is makig apologies for Adam Levine.
Zed | February 2, 2006 at 10:33 am
She’s deeper than I ever, ever imagined. I am moved.
uncommonamerican | February 2, 2006 at 10:36 am
I like how she can quote a passage from the bible in one sentence, and then quote Nietzsche, perhaps the world’s most famous atheistic philosopher, in another.
mikeski | February 2, 2006 at 10:39 am
My understanding is that it’s illegal to post about J-Simp without including a picture of her luscious boobies.
Let’s not let that happen again, hm?
LOOKWHATICANDO | February 2, 2006 at 10:40 am
Will someone please wake me up, when its at the end… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
rachel | February 2, 2006 at 10:42 am
Does anyone else find it ironic that she quoted Corinthians 15:33, “Remember that bad company corrupts good character.”
I thought her dad blacked out that part of the Bible when they moved to Hollywood.
Captain Awesome | February 2, 2006 at 11:02 am
Puppies are being used as drug mules and this bitch is allowed to breathe.
Binky | February 2, 2006 at 11:07 am
“… and get a good divorce lawyer.”
jennifer11 | February 2, 2006 at 11:10 am
she’s so wise…so brave.
like jesus. only dumber. and with less talent.
LaydeeBug | February 2, 2006 at 11:10 am
If I hear that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” line one more time, I swear…..Jessica Simian should just shut up. Silence. Shhhhhhhh. Zip it! That goes for you too Trashlee!
eeedlef | February 2, 2006 at 11:13 am
Things like this make me want to club a seal.
nichole | February 2, 2006 at 11:16 am
And the sick thing is that undoubtedly after Jessica completed this, she silently nodded to herself, with tears in her eyes, and whispered “Yes. This is my best work yet.”
Hahaha. Good stuff.
sqongo | February 2, 2006 at 11:20 am
Damn,my cornea’s just melted after reading that sperm-gobbler’s odious crap!!
PapaHotNuts | February 2, 2006 at 11:21 am
I hope Jesus, Nietzsche and Buddha toilet paper her house.
“What doesn’t kill you, makes me wish someone had better aim.”
ESQ | February 2, 2006 at 11:23 am
Let me guess this was written lavender stationary with a pink pen with pink ink, equipped with something fuzzy on the top on. I can almost bet the pen was scented as well. She probably dotted the “i’s” with hearts. All the while she was petting her dog, telling him in between,
Spindoc | February 2, 2006 at 11:32 am
Hey! Does anybody remember that Mariah Carey Posted a rambling Crazy letter to HER fans on her own website right before her sanity went down the toilette for a few years?! Here’s hoping that the Superficial is going to have a few years of “Crazy Jessica” stories!
SAPPY14 | February 2, 2006 at 11:36 am
i feel kind of disoriented.. like something inside of me just died.
SAPPY14 | February 2, 2006 at 11:37 am
also whats with her aerodynamic comments: “carry on. soar. glide. fly.” maybe she was high when she wrote this? that would make the most sense.
HollyJ | February 2, 2006 at 11:43 am
Did she just quote Corinthians mere days after the Walk of Shame? Tell me no….
The Devil | February 2, 2006 at 11:44 am
Jesus Christ, I’ve never seen such a mish-mash of 8th grade clich
Dee | February 2, 2006 at 11:54 am
It always amaZes me to see how much dumber celebrities are then the average person off the street.
hafaball | February 2, 2006 at 12:27 pm
I couldn’t even read all that…cause i’m a lazy bastard, but I guess instead of being inspired by Coretta Scott King, I’ll get inspired by this douchebag. (yes, woman can be called douchebags too)
sapphireyez | February 2, 2006 at 1:05 pm
I hope Jesus, Nietzsche and Buddha toilet paper her house.
OMG!!! The visual I got from that!!! ROTFLMAO!!! Quick someone CPR please!!!!
Mugato | February 2, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Does anyone else find it creepy that the picture of Jessica Simpson in this article and the picture of Ashton Kutcher in the next article below look like mirror images?
Larry | February 2, 2006 at 1:09 pm
Jessica Simpson is so … GOOD. So pure and true. I like that in my products.
Meanwhile, she takes a shot at the paparazzi, which is quite interesting considering that the gossip industry more or less created her entire “career” out of whole cloth.
“Jessica Simpson Stubs Toe!”
“Jessica Simpson Expired Yogurt Horror!”
Sebastian De La Ghetto | February 2, 2006 at 1:43 pm
hey i like dumb girls with large breasts. i’d knock it down, all the way man.
PKClover | February 2, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Nick is desperately seeking a glory hole while his wife balls up into a corner and rocks herself to happy bible thoughts. Whatever makes the memories of Joe coming into your room at night to make sure his daughter was still a virgin, and “fingers don’t count baby girl” go away Jess.
gossipmonger | February 2, 2006 at 1:46 pm
HELP.ME.PLEASE. My head is filling with air just from READING that…
HollyJ | February 2, 2006 at 1:52 pm
She should really be quoting Genesis 3:10: ‘I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid’…cuz that’s what she did prior to her walk of shame…hid…from the paparazzi…
She kinda makes me sicker than the thought of making sweet love down by the fire with Nick.
drowningfool | February 2, 2006 at 1:53 pm
I guess the saddest (and most hilarious) aspect of all these retard celebrities is that they really don’t see how retarded they are. In their brains they really think they are
a)better than us
b)smarter than us
c)deeper and wiser than us
Thats why we love to watch celebrities crash and burn when the truth comes out and all of their delusions get a reality check. Unfortunately some celebrities never crash (Madonna, Tom Cruise) so we are stuck watching them live in their fantasy worlds until they die horrible deaths.
mariootsa | February 2, 2006 at 2:00 pm
what happens when the one corrupting you is your dad?
i guess the answer is, you dress like a whore while singing onstage on prime time.
lysistrata11 | February 2, 2006 at 2:58 pm
Wow. Could ANYONE be a worse spokesperson for the Christian faith? I mean really…
BlackMamba | February 2, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Did she stole this from some eulogy or what?
GothamGuy | February 2, 2006 at 3:09 pm
You all shut up! Shut your stinking, nasty traps!
Jessica Simpson is a beautiful dove. And by beautiful dove, I mean fat, lazy Thanksgiving turkey I want to eat then throw the bones in the trash.
Shaun | February 2, 2006 at 3:40 pm
This is exactly what I said was going to happen with Jessica Simpson. Are ya’ll sure Homer wasn’t her biological father?
http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2006/01/27/jessica_simpson_is_moving_on_1.html#comment
HelpingOutTheMorons | February 2, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Bwahahaha! These comments are the best ever! ROFL!!!!
bone_daddio | February 2, 2006 at 4:05 pm
I’d still ride her all night long…with a ball gag in her mouth of course…but all night…just like Maroon V.
Mary45 | February 2, 2006 at 4:09 pm
Homer Simpson?? HAHAHAHAHAHA that was great!
VanillaSalTyBaLLs | February 2, 2006 at 4:56 pm
I’m down with the seal clubbing!!! When should we start???
niquehappy.com | February 2, 2006 at 5:34 pm
Somebody hold me. I need a box of tissues.
OK, let me reiterate:
“I just wanted to let ya’ll know that with everything we go through in life, the ugly, the skanky, the retard, the mental illness, the fake, the botox, the-think-we-are-hot, we all have to allow our silicon breasts to remain open to create the whores that we are,” Simpson says. “Inject botox for yourself no matter what. Take the advice from the sluts we love.” Simpson then goes on to quote from Corinthians 15:33, saying, “Remember that bad company corrupts good character.” Nor does she stop there. ” … Embarrass yourself to allow the freedom to just be. Getting to make yourself slutty is so important. Spend time alone with your bosoms for this creates a world of true brainlessness. Do not be afraid to become skanks. Inner botox, outward hideousness — f*** everyone we meet with open legs (unless it is your ex-husband — haha), a fake ass is contagious.” She concludes this love manifesto with the following: “I love you guys so much and appreciate all the BOO’s through all the unfortunate pain of loss. What doesn’t kick us in the ass makes us sluttier. Carry on. Bang away. Inject botox. Slip. This is a whore-riful life.”
lish520 | February 2, 2006 at 5:36 pm
This post was the funniest EVER. I actually laughed so hard, there were tears.
Tears, real ones. hilarious!!!!
HughJorganthethird | February 2, 2006 at 5:37 pm
“Spend time alone with your thoughts for this creates a world of true serenity.”
Is it possible for someone to be this self un-aware and live? We’ve all heard Jessica’s thoughts and the only way I’m spending any time alone with them is if I’m forced to at gunpoint.Even then I’d probably take the bullet.
Average | February 2, 2006 at 5:58 pm
I cant help but feel sorry for the Simpsons girls, their daddy has whored them out.
Buffy Holt | February 2, 2006 at 6:45 pm
What the freak??
Seamus Begonia Smell | February 2, 2006 at 6:50 pm
LOL typing on the piano
JLG | February 2, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Hello Folks….
Ok I enjoy the gossip as much as the next person…but do we need to get silly? Just so you are aware…what she is wearing is a plain old ‘wife-beater’…ribbed tank top…..
mags | February 2, 2006 at 9:23 pm
It was worth reading just for:
‘And then her sister tells her “Jess, sweetie, you were typing on the piano.”‘
I’m still laughing.