Jessica Simpson is a TV critic now

November 3rd, 2009 // 31 Comments

Despite the fact it takes her a week just to read a Dr. Seuss book, Jessica Simpson decided to shitcan the writing on Melrose Place and chastise The CW for firing Ashlee from the show:

CW catching up on MP.who writes this crap?i have had bad scripts to work with,but this?thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press

Wait. I hope she’s not criticizing the script to The Dukes of Hazzard because that thing was GOLD. In fact, I’ll post the entire thing right here just to prove my point:

The Dukes of Hazzard

Scene: ALL OF THEM

Still hot and skinny Jessica Simpson from 2005 walks around in ridiculously short cutoffs while showcasing her stupid awesome breasts.

Some other shit happens. (Not really important.)

ROLL CREDITS.

*sniff* Gets me every time…

Photos: WENN
superficial

  1. Max Planck

    Jessica is ready to do the “before” pictures for Lean Cuisine. The cover up shawl is not working.

    Ashley’s lip syncing won’t make up for the douche nozzle hat.

  2. Harold^Sick

    Ceteris paribus, I would – in fact – hit that!

  3. Fat Chicks Suck

    It’s funny how Ashlee Simpson recently had a baby yet is half the size and looks twice as good as her sister. They’re both idiots but at least Ashlee has a nice body.

  4. JADE

    Oh Jessica, hunny no, that does not look good on you. And whoever said it did is not your friend.

  5. Delgo

    I would still crush her puppy (t9)

  6. Randal(l)

    where to start on how many ways she’s retarded and fat. Let’s see, she considers Ashlee a ratings juggernaut. then she has the fat sweaty balls to criticize their writing. someone who’s entire career is based on “look I have big titties” and has the IQ of dried feces thinks she’s Shakespeare. who is she kidding, Chubbsie would drop to her knees for a role on that or any show that would take her. the last media related work I remember her from was a pizza commercial where she worked with Miss Piggie (I still can’t tell which was the puppet) and that was what, five years and forty pounds ago.

    Randal(l)

  7. gargamel

    are those black granny panties? ew

  8. dontlooknow

    I thought Beyonce’s mama only designed clothes for her own daughter. Maybe this was was Papa’s idea.
    (*Max* nice 5 finger discount on the name.)

  9. Cynthia

    8. gargamel – November 3, 2009 12:42 PM

    “are those black granny panties? ew”

    Yes, those are control-top granny briefs with the fat girl cover-up shawl.

    And Randal(I)’s comment made me choke on my lunch =)

  10. Larry Flowers

    Jessica may not be the brightest tool in the shed.. but you miss the point. Her ability to tell a good script from bad will remain a question… but Melrose is an unmitigated joke.

  11. In The Know

    This is what happens when non talents living in a bubble of non reality get work to begin with.

    Ashlee Simpson is not amazing….she is a stiff and unnatural actor that can’t sing a note.

    Its mind numbing that these two are still being talked about.

  12. Italian Stallion

    Jessica has some fucking man hands, jesus christ!! Her hands are bigger then her sisters face. No wonder her dad was banging her out. He loved the way she spanked him………..

  13. suzanne

    Jessica looks like her mother!

  14. Denise

    I guarantee if they kept Ashlee Simpson on the show, she would be the first to say that the show is great, fun, entertaining, etc..
    She’s dumb.
    She must know good writing, since she stared in “Private Valentine” andddd I can’t remember the other one.

  15. It’s nice she stood up for her sister, though she just made it worse.

  16. Jessica'sDeadDog

    Tony Romo broke up with Jessica after he suggested a 3 way with Ashlee and Jessica said no. To think I might still be alive if these two had spent a little time making incestuous lesbo love while a qb directed the action. Life’s not fair.

  17. lin

    I am liking this alternate Randal a lot. LOLed at the reference to the Miss Piggy commercial. Awesome. I hate both Simpson twats.

  18. Cornelius Copper

    I AM WAITING FOR JESSICA SIMPSON TO GET ONTO A REALITY SHOW WHERE SHE FINALLY, FINALLY LOOSES ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT.

    SHE’S GOT SOME CHUNKY THIGHS ON HER.

    DAT DONE BE WHY DA MEN DON’T STICK AROUND. DEY WANT DA WOMAN WHO DAY KNOW WON’T INFLATE AFTER KIDS.

    DAT DONE BE RIGHT!

  19. A

    They are at a pool party in this picture!!
    See Oct. 5 Post.

  20. John Thomas

    By the look of Ashlee’s knee’s in the first two shots I suspect she tried to “convince” the producers not to sack her. I guess she can’t do anything right.

  21. lilycat

    i actually think it’s adorable how close these two are & how they always stick up for each other. they are sisters that really love and support each other. i like that.

  22. Jamie Lynn's Uterus

    Two untalented broke down losers. Their father is the real genius here, for finding a way to force these 2 disgusting vile bitches on us day in day out.

    Maybe a coyote will get Jessica next?

  23. zuzuspetals

    I just did some quick geometry and Jessica’s head is 15 times larger than Ashlee’s, and I don’t mean that metaphorically.
    She got a giant head and a walnut sized-brain. Nature can be so cruel.

  24. Uncle Joe

    When did Ashley steal Pete’s penis and stuff it down her pants? Pic 1.

    Geez. No wonder tony romo wanted a three-way!

  25. sin

    DAMN. Jessica is twice as big as Ashlee. But, I am still a guy so of course I would love do nail either one of them. Yeah, like any of us would ever have a shot.

  26. Annie

    Those pictures are freaking photoshopped anyone who hasnt noticed that is a complete moron. Maybe next time you should use the real photos instead of photoshopped ones its not very professinal

  27. CY

    Ashley looks good – although the demure act is a tough sell with her spawn barely severed from the placenta. Jessica’s pose looks like she’s trying to clear a wedgie.

  28. Eat Me

    haha big fatty has to wear a granny moo moo to cover up all her lardy layers

  29. Desiree

    I am a Jessica fan,(this stuff is hillarious tho :) ) Ashlee,didn’t you just have a kid???? Great role model,you too Pete Wentz. One is emo and doesn’t wear underwear,and the other one doesn’t wear any clothes at all,(or mineaswell not be) and is just plain out stupid. Great combo!

  30. I actually think it’s cute how close these two are and how they always stick to each other. They really love and support each other sisters are. I like.

Leave A Comment