Jessica Simpson is a mom, you guys

September 18th, 2009 // 55 Comments

And The Sad Saga of Jessica Simpson’s Missing Dog has finally come to an end. TMZ reports the animal group assisting Jessica in the search of her coyote-snatched Malti-Poo has been called off:

Sources close to the situation tell us Simpson and the people have exhausted every possible resource to find Jessica’s precious Daisy — last spotted in the grasp of a wild coyote.
We’re told Simpson’s camp used tracking dogs, scoured neighborhoods, put up posters, power-dialed neighbors and did everything else they could to find a clue … but came up short.

Because what good is Twitter if you can’t post sad delusions? Jessica says she’ll continue searching because, dammit, she’s a mother:

Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby…why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.

Look, I don’t want to shit on pet owners here, but Jessica saying she’s a mom like her sister (See what’s happening here?) isn’t exactly a legitimate comparison. I’ve yet to see a dog that’s needed a ride to baseball practice, wrecked a car on prom night or come out of the closet during Thanksgiving dinner. Unless there’s some magical breed I’m not aware of that transforms into a human baby if you wish really, really hard.

Photos: WENN

  1. Taz


  2. FIVE0

    Isn’t that Joe’s hand reaching around for a squeeze in pic #1?

  3. Delgo

    veiny breasts = treasure map

  4. bot

    This broad is in a tailspin. What a fucking wreck.

  5. BiGuy

    Came up short? What did they expect? Precious Daisy has been a pile of moldering coyote crap for the last week.

  6. Inmate #2648927

    If Daisy is her baby who has she been sleeping with?

    Yo, Rinny!

  7. RB

    No offense, but having a dog is not anywhere near having a kid. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get my daughter to crap in the yard for the life of me without child services showing up.

    Preach on sister!

  8. Max Planck

    Sure, it’s Bronx Mowgli’s little cousin Daisy.

  9. spike

    As stupid as Simpson is with, really, no redeeming qualities and not a cogent thought or even a thought, for that matter, in her pretty little empty head, I feel bad for her. It’s hard losing a beloved pet, you’re losing a member of your family. Poor little doggie!

  10. Jesus Juice

    The guy over her shoulder in pic #4 probably ate Daisy with a nice Chianti.

  11. Clamhammer


  12. ROUGH daddy

    She crying about? still have two puppies left…

  13. Tony Romo

    What a fuckin’ retard! Can you believe this is the same stupid whore who last season let me and T.O. do a double-team on her in Jerry Jone’s skybox only to let that fucking mutt run loose and bite me in the scrote sack while I nutted on T.O.’s chin!


    If there is anything my show tells you it’s that people who think of and treat their dogs like people are idiots. You are not a mom, the dog is not your baby, and to be honest, IF YOU WERE REALLY A MOM, YOU’D BE IN JAIL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE A FUCKING COYOTE ATE YOUR BABY YOU NEGLIGENT FUCK

  15. mel

    Having a pet is not the same as having a child, but you still put work and love into it. You are the animal’s owner, and you gain the parent-like responsibility. She’s not just going to say oh, she’s gone, oh well and be done with it. So you are all saying that if your dog or cat or whatever was lost or taken by a coyote, you’d not give a fuck? A pet should be considered part of your family. You are all seriously pathetic for making humor out of a situation like this.

  16. Rodham

    Where is Randal saying something really sensitive and sympathetic?

  17. That’s sad for the dog, but as dumb as she is I don’t feel bad for her.

  18. negligent

    So, if you’re a ‘mom’, I assume that means the dog is your ‘baby’ or ‘child’ which basically means you are so bad at being a mom that a real coyote ate your ‘baby’.

    I mean, most of my friends have at least 1 kid and I have never gotten an email from any of them telling me a coyote ate their baby.

    In fact, if you really were a ‘mom’, you’d be in jail right because A COYOTE ATE YOUR BABY !! WTF!?!?!

  19. Photoshop Police

    Very sad to lose a pet.
    Tragic as hell to lose a pet by getting it snatched away by a coyote right in front of you.

    Small Question: Aren’t you supposed to have your pet on a leash?

  20. BiGuy

    @19 A leash wouldn’t have saved that dog. It would only have given Jessica more time to watch the horror while her arm got pulled out of its shoulder socket.

  21. JESTER

    What a fucking retard. What did she think the coyote was going to do with her pet rat. I hate people with little toy pets that treat them like children. I’d buttfuck her.

  22. Gina

    I understand what she’s saying. I feel the same way about my dog.

  23. Randal(l)

    I agree with Tits McGee, A puppy is exactly like a baby. they can’t speak, they piss and shit all over the place, they are both fun to beat when no one is looking, and they both look funny being dragged away in the jaws of a hungry coyote . tee hee, see I just can’t control the giggles.


  24. Chris Clandestino

    Daisy steaks anyone?

  25. Chris Clandestino

    Daisy steaks anyone?

  26. Kurgen99

    Geez, fucking LA NooBs. We have coyotes here. Your little powder puff lapdog is a tasty morsel. Frankly, you’re lucky a hawk or owl didn’t get it first.

    BTW Jessica, we also have mountain lions in the those big hills called “mountains,” and they are particularly fond of dumb blonds.

  27. David

    ….I can make her a mom.

  28. Timmy

    Hey Superficial Douchebag, is it a fluke that you don’t have the comment link on the entry that freely advertises Michael Moore’s latest filth? So here is some good reading for you through another entry, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy the reading and also that it came in through the back door, where you like to be fucked.

    Hey Timmy,

    Comments are disabled on ALL paid advertisement posts for The Superficial. From VH1 Divas to Michael Moore. That’s not censorship and/or communism, dipfuck. It’s called capitalism. Look it up.

    The Superficial

  29. kk

    Jessica doesn’t bother me or anyone anymore. Anyone would be devastated at losing their dog. She messed up by divorcing Nick and that’s where the story ends! Who cares anymore?!!? And Ashlee has no personality.

  30. kk

    #28 — Timmy — KILL YOURSELF.

  31. stickykeys

    holy fuck fish – put a 250 word limit on comments.
    also – can’t get enough Jessica Simpson posts. I could look at her tittays all day.

  32. Just a few more jabs to her already questionable mental instability and hopefully she’ll just turn to porn. I’m pretty sure some people have a big fetish for fat chicks.

  33. Charlie

    If you truley love you animals they are a part of your family, agreed you didn’t give birth to them but you take on the responsibility of a parent, you feed, water, love, take care off, feel a deep loss when their gone. Thats called being someone who cares, nothing at all wrong with that. I know where Jessica is coming from and the rest of you idiots don’t have a clue and I hope to god don’t have animals or come to think of it, kids. Your are obviously of the self centered, all about yourself types who can’t think beyond yourselves. You don’t just give up because others think you should, their not in your shoes or feel you emotions and pain. So sod the lot of you negative, pathetic idiots. Do what you need to do Jessica. Best of luck and ignore the wack jobs out there their just hopeless, lost idiots trying to get arise out you and the rest of us. YUCK how nasty are you all!!! is this the only way you can get others to talk to you?????? Oh then, let me change my statement, “How sad, you should never have been born”

  34. Jester

    charlie, were you molested by a coyote or something. Stupid puffer.

  35. Daisy

    Hey y’all wehre ma momy!?

  36. Darth

    Are you Jessica Simpson’s or Britney Spears’s doggy?

  37. cheezy_poof

    A) How soon before she is quoted as saying “A dingo ate my babie”

    B) I would rather have my pet than a kid. Not that I am not maternal I just dislike children. Kudos to those who breed but no thanks.

  38. Rhialto

    Now that there’s a good chance her dog has gone.Who’s going to write her songs from now on?!

  39. Gando

    If there isn’t any proof that her dog Daisy has died.Then she might be still alive.The possibility is still there.

  40. Nero

    Is she still in the denial phase?!

  41. Tr8cthis

    I am sooooooooooooooooooo tired of all these nutcase animal lovers(hell I cant even call it lovers because its some sickness) A dog, cat, bird, snake or whatever other animal you choose to take care of is NOT I repeat NOT human! Stop comparing them or calling them your children. They are not! If you wanted children you should have had some or adopted. Dont give me they are the same BS line. THEY ARE NOT!! I have had my share of cats and dogs and never abused them and loved them but the difference is I knew where the line between animals and humans are. And these days that line has been pushed way to for by the likes of PETA and other fanatic animal organizations that want to make noise for the sake of making it.

  42. Pilatunes

    Hey Tr8cthism, to put it in perspective remember what Shackleton said about having to shoot his sled dogs when they got trapped in the ice ‘There are many men I would rather have killed than the worst of the dogs.’

    On a lighter note if I was dating Jess I’d make her search the desert for her dog butt nekkid. That would be funny. I’d leave her out there for a week.

  43. lindsay

    awesome. The best post i’ve ever seen. Thanksgiving dinner – so true.

  44. Wolfe

    Sorry, but if you see your dog being carried off by a coyote, it’s already dead.

  45. Mike

    Pretty sure she didn’t call herself “Mom” due to the ‘mass of tissue’ they have repeatedly removed from her uterus. Where’s the zoo video? Its clearly out there.

  46. Brad

    Really REALLY cool that Moore’s new film is being shown without charge. That in itself is worth the (no) price of admission.

  47. Ava

    I think the coyote was a female… because like the shirt Jessica was so proud of wearing said, ‘REAL GIRLS EAT MEAT’.

    I feel badly for her doggie, but karma stings doesn’t it bitch?

  48. Dread not

    Jessica as a mommy! Would love to see those swollen, milk engorged tits!

  49. 5 Burros

    Did Mike Moore get on P90X for his movie poster? Oh, just checked recent promo pics of him. Still fat.

    Can’t figure out why he’d Photoshop himself thinner for his paid advertisement for his moneymaking movie…my guess would be so that it would turn fewer people off and increase ticket sales, but that would seem like a profit pursuit. So confusing.

  50. Coyote


Leave A Comment