Jessica Simpson has ‘Best Celebrity Breasts’

July 2nd, 2008 // 103 Comments

Jessica Simpson’s breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn’t consulted but I’m going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here’s their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It’s full of WTF?:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé Knowles

I’ll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We’re talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn’t even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does no one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame video games.

NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson’s breasts over the past year along with her video for “These Boots Are Made for Walking” after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.

superficial

  1. notjessica

    Jessica Biel is NOT on the list?

  2. Lala Lassha

    Dude the racists on here are amazing! They keep finding new hot women to slur about. What did some hot black chick leave them? Or did some black guy steal their girlfriend?

  3. McLashen Obama

    …that’s because internet anonimity saves them from saying it face to face.

    Chances are most of them would probably have been ‘shipped’ if they live in Germany circa 1933… wankers.

  4. vito

    i agree that implants should be a disqualifier.

    that being said, i would have thought the list would include Jamie Pressley, Keeley Hazell, and Carla Gugino.

    how about some blasts from the past…??? Traci Lords, Meredith Baxter Birney (no kidding), Shannon Whirry, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Adrienne Barbeau.

    there must be tons of others…

  5. Erica

    She has a great body. As do all the other girls in that music video. Though, I put it on mute. So it was just a video.

  6. What about Paris Hilton??? She has a great rack or was that just a really great bra??

  7. 43- actually, they both have fake boobs.. there’s a big difference if you compare pictures from a long time ago.

    but anyway half of this list is fake boobs:

    1. Jessica Simpson-fake..wtf people compare pictures..her natural boobs were not this perky and round a few years ago..
    2. Tyra Banks -used to
    3. Scarlett Johansson
    4. Carmen Electra obviously..just look at them
    5. Lindsay Lohan off and on, even now but not as big as before…compare pics
    6. Katherine Heigl
    7. Audrina Patridge fake.. they were even fake when they were small.
    8. Jennifer Aniston
    9. Megan Fox
    10. Beyoncé Knowles fake
    awfulplasticsurgery.com and goodplasticsurgery.com

    but honestly who cares if they had plastic surgery they’re all hot..

  8. steve

    #53 I agree. I notice you can’t really write anything derogatory about “them.” Some people are able to sneak in the J-word, but really you can NEVER say anything about them (much like in real life, lest you get called the “A” word and they metaphorically crucify your ass). I’m sure a lot of the racism comes from the goyim but I think it’s fucked what effing hypocrites those self-loathing assholes are.

    P.S. This list sucks cock ‘n’ balls.

  9. Maynard

    Christina Aguliera takes top honors in all categories! And yes, I am “that” Maynard. Buy my wine.

  10. Breastlover08

    TYRA BANKS??? Are you kidding me? It is ALL about the bra. Everyone knows that Black Tits are nothing but GIANT flabby fat sacks that look great when cradled into a quality bra. Bullshit ass list. Without the benefits of Victoria Secret’s magic mammary devices, she would NEVER even be in the same REALM.

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  12. Joejam2845

    For Pam Anderson to call Jessica Simpson a whore over a T-Shirt? Pam Anderson has diseases they don’t have names for crawling between her legs!

  13. vito

    can’t forget jennifer connelly and virginia madsen…

  14. Kathleen

    What the hell?
    This list is fucked!

    Where is Rosie O’Donnell?

  15. Aurealous

    What nimrod left Chritina Aguilera’s huge beautiful totties off the number 1 spot on this list. This entire process is bogus. (Jordan Bratman shouldn’t count against her). Boobs are boobs!

  16. Sunday

    She is so sexy with the gorgeous dress on her. Is she single now? Her profile was found on the on the wealthy dating club R I C H L O V I N G.C O M for hot guys and girls to hook up for Hot Love and Sexy Dating, “she is so picky about guys!” according to officials of that site, “they have to be fertile douches or she won’t date them!”

  17. Alice

    She is so sexy with the gorgeous dress on her. Is she single now? Her profile was found on the on the wealthy dating club R I C H L O V I N G.C O M for hot guys and girls to hook up for Hot Love and Sexy Dating, “she is so picky about guys!” according to officials of that site, “they have to be fertile douches or she won’t date them!”

  18. Dude

    WTF? who made this list, a homo?
    There is no such thing as a greatest boob list without naming Jennifer Love Hewitt. She may possibly have THE greatest rack of all time.
    Also, Lacey Chabert – the other greatest rack of all time. I would have also added Ashley Simpson to that list as well. My list would look something like this, though I know I’m probably forgetting some great boobs…

    1. Jennifer Love hewitt
    2. Lacey Chabert
    3. Jessica Simpson
    4. Scarlet Johannson
    5. Keeley Hazell
    6. Jessica Biel
    7. Ashley Simpson
    8. Lindsay Lohan
    9. Salma Hayek
    10. Ann Hathaway

  19. booblooker

    these guys have done their research

    http://www.listaholic.com/the-50-hottest-celebrity-boobs.html

    I saw Estella Warren in person the other week (no, really) and hers looked so good I assumed they were fake.

  20. ph245

    man, I would love to have just 5 minutes on Jessica Simpson’s tits.

  21. Mike

    You know Jessica has caught a lot of flak some deserved and some not, but when you just look at her from and appearance standpoint she is a really pretty gal !!!

  22. O.K. now, we won’t discuss her brains!!

  23. roshaa

    WOW!! Little boy Lohan made the list??

  24. T Owens

    Those are not tits.
    They are footballs with blue stars for nipples….

  25. Doomhammer

    Get Lohan the fuck off that list! Are you nuts? Lohan ?

    Winona Ryder has a great rack….I think you better recognize.

  26. blair

    beyonce???? dude she has no tits and she is beefy which is perplexing. where is halle berry?

  27. Robert Acquafresca

    Catherine Bell is better then all of them, but Jessica deserves the props she gets for her breasts. Very nice.

  28. wtf?

    This is a fucking joke if Christina Aguielera and her massive mammeries arent on here

  29. Kim Lardassian

    Salma Hayek is missing.
    Fake tits should not be on the list, its just not right like an athlete on steroids winning the Olympics 100m sprint – aint right.

  30. eldo

    Halle Berry’s tits > all these other bitches.

  31. Sunny

    She is so sexy with the gorgeous dress on her. Is she single now? Her profile was found on the on the wealthy dating club R I C H L O V I N G.C O M for hot guys and girls to hook up for Hot Love and Sexy Dating, “she is so picky about guys!” according to officials of that site, “they have to be fertile douches or she won’t date them!”

  32. Fumus

    Fish, who the hell is your editor? That blind homeless guy that stands outside my building everyday!?!?

    “This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting* process.”
    *voting

    “Of course not. Dammit, does one* believe in science anymore? ”
    *no one

    Fish, I love you…but seriously hire some help it’s too much for one nymphomaniac alcoholic to do alone. I am for serious!

  33. OC Dee

    #80

    I agree fake tits should not be on the list. I think Jennifer has natural breasts where as Jessica lost a lot of weight for her Dukes movie and got implants to get perky again. So the best non implant breasts would definitely be Jennifer Love Hewitt.

  34. doc holiday

    C’mon Were talking about breasts not plastic bags……
    Even at 100 years old, Mimi Rogers has the VERY best breasts in Hollywood!

  35. doc holiday

    What about Jen Tilly? Kim Kardashion?

  36. Breastlover08

    OMFG!! I just realized the JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT is not on this list!! WHAT THE UNHOLY FUCK???!?!? What douche put this shit together? I mean, c’mon. He had to keep up appearances so he wasn’t accused of being racist, so when the original list was reviewed, it is obvious an editor or someone freaked that there were no black chicks listed, so someone got removed from slot 2 and Tyra Banks nasty fucking ass was thrown in. Nasty ass Flabby Fat Sacks hanging like pancakes on her black ass. If you felt obligated to meet your PC quota, at least put a QUALITY pair ob black tits up there, like, say, HALLE BERRY??!! So let’s be Quality Conscious TIT Connoisseurs, and Correct this list:

    1. Christina Aguillera
    2. Jennifer Love Hewitt
    3. Jessica Simpson
    4. Scarlett Johansson
    5. DeAnna Pappas
    6. Megan Fox
    7. Angelina Jolie
    8. Lindsay Lohan
    9. Alyssa Milano
    10.Monica Bellucci
    11. Vanessa Marcil
    12. Alessandra Ambrosio

    I couldn’t narrow it to 10, so that is what I came up with. I did not intentionally avoid any Black Chicks either, for those PC assholes out there. If Halle Berry’s tits or ANY OTHER black chick for that matter compared to the ones on this list, I would have put them down.

    1. Christina Aguillera
    2. Jessica Simpson
    3.
    4.
    5.
    6.
    7.
    8.
    9.
    10.
    11.
    12.
    13.

  37. CaptainCrazyFingers

    Heidi Montag’s rack is spectacular. Show her titties some LOVE!

  38. Capers

    Jessica has really gotten fat.

  39. the real list

    Jennifer Love Hewitt
    Marisa Miller
    Jessica Simpson
    Abigail Clancy
    Scarlett Jo Hanson
    Anne Hathaway
    Salma Hayek
    Halle Berry
    Angelina Jolie
    Lindsay Lohan

  40. Toby Weymiller

    My man boobs are really juicy.

  41. Jackson

    #86

    Kim Kardaskank has implants and does not belong on the list. She is a no talent worthless lard ass. I hate the feel of implants and all of them look bad when they are nude with ripples and stretch marks and dimples and yikes!

  42. Donovan

    Jessica will have saggy implant tits in no time if she keeps walking around braless. She got implants because her natural perky breasts went south after losing weight. One would think she would be more careful with heavy implants. She’ll have to get them re done in 10 years like all the others.

  43. x

    what a shitty list! scarlett johansson should have been number 1 and hers are real unlike jessica..

  44. dEBUTANTE

    JENNIFER ANISTON’S BOOBS ARE FAKE !
    JESSICA SIMPSON’S BOOBS ARE FAKE !
    CARMEN ELECTRA’S BOOBS ARE FAKE -AND SO IS HER NAME
    TYRA’S BOOBS ARE FAKE !

    WHAT THE HELL KIND OF STUPID LIST IS THIS ??

  45. Hannah T

    Well – I don’t know about the best boobs, but it just came to mind that it’s just as well Jessica Simpson has good boobs and the rest, because she cannot sing to save her life. Nancy Sinatra, please stand up. (Jessica, that means you should sit down, love. Close your mouth.)

  46. dalai liar lama (as he is known in Tibet) brain washed Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, Harrison Ford, sharon stone… etc to do his dirty works of fabricating & telling lies about Tibet & tibetans. Tibet is an autonomous region (self-ruled by the local residents) There are many ethnic groups live in tibet…such as Lhoba, Moinba, Naxi, NU, Drung, Mongolian, Sherpa, Han, Hui, Deng, Tibetan.
    The land of tibet was part of China for more than 1,400 yrs. At that time the present ethnic tibetan were not even there. The majority (more than 99% of tibet residents ) they considered themselves Chinese & wanted to remain as part of China. They disagreed with dalai liar lama for independent tibet, & the land of tibet political future is for the local Tibetans (consists of many ethnic groups) to decide & they do not want dalia liar lama alone to decide for them. Those few trouble- makers (dalai liar lama & his little group plan & incite to loot & riot even killing his own tibetans) cannot detate policy for them & from time to time try to get a few troublemakers (dressed up as monks) to loot & riot. Foreigners visit tibet never seen those lies that told by dalai liar lama. Dalai Lama had done towards his own people when he enslaved, tortured and murdered Tibetans under his rule as a self-proclaimed god. High priests (monks) owned all the land & ordinary people work for them for little food. High priests did not provide any schooling, health care…….etc. Tibetans used to slaughter their animals any where & every where & created very unsanitary conditions (for food & environment) & China central government built several animal slaughter houses for them. & also built indoor markets for them to sell foods & produce. The March 08 riot was instigated by dalai liar lama, criminals were dressed up as monks burned down 6 hospitals, looted the shops before burn them (people were burned to death in their shops), killed local tibetan security personnel (they are self-ruled).
    Over the years China have built many hospitals, schools, colleges, universities, roads, railway – carry fresh vegetables, fruits to Lahsa at a bargain price, all the local products can be carried away to be sold, with railway people can travel in faster speed & in comfort at bargain price. Tremendously improve local living standard, income, housing, employment, supply of daily necessary goods.dalia liar lama create more troubles for the people in tibet by making their life miserable & unbearable (in rioting & looting by his incited criminals). tibetans used to die of very young age due to they drink very high fat content yak (tibetan cattle) milk & it was the Han who brought to them & continue regularly supplied them with tea to deal with high fat in their diet.

  47. dalai liar lama (as he is known in Tibet) brain washed Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, Harrison Ford, sharon stone… etc to do his dirty works of fabricating & telling lies about Tibet & tibetans. Tibet is an autonomous region (self-ruled by the local residents) There are many ethnic groups live in tibet…such as Lhoba, Moinba, Naxi, NU, Drung, Mongolian, Sherpa, Han, Hui, Deng, Tibetan.
    The land of tibet was part of China for more than 1,400 yrs. At that time the present ethnic tibetan were not even there. The majority (more than 99% of tibet residents ) they considered themselves Chinese & wanted to remain as part of China. They disagreed with dalai liar lama for independent tibet, & the land of tibet political future is for the local Tibetans (consists of many ethnic groups) to decide & they do not want dalia liar lama alone to decide for them. Those few trouble- makers (dalai liar lama & his little group plan & incite to loot & riot even killing his own tibetans) cannot detate policy for them & from time to time try to get a few troublemakers (dressed up as monks) to loot & riot. Foreigners visit tibet never seen those lies that told by dalai liar lama. Dalai Lama had done towards his own people when he enslaved, tortured and murdered Tibetans under his rule as a self-proclaimed god. High priests (monks) owned all the land & ordinary people work for them for little food. High priests did not provide any schooling, health care…….etc. Tibetans used to slaughter their animals any where & every where & created very unsanitary conditions (for food & environment) & China central government built several animal slaughter houses for them. & also built indoor markets for them to sell foods & produce. The March 08 riot was instigated by dalai liar lama, criminals were dressed up as monks burned down 6 hospitals, looted the shops before burn them (people were burned to death in their shops), killed local tibetan security personnel (they are self-ruled).
    Over the years China have built many hospitals, schools, colleges, universities, roads, railway – carry fresh vegetables, fruits to Lahsa at a bargain price, all the local products can be carried away to be sold, with railway people can travel in faster speed & in comfort at bargain price. Tremendously improve local living standard, income, housing, employment, supply of daily necessary goods.dalia liar lama create more troubles for the people in tibet by making their life miserable & unbearable (in rioting & looting by his incited criminals). tibetans used to die of very young age due to they drink very high fat content yak (tibetan cattle) milk & it was the Han who brought to them & continue regularly supplied them with tea to deal with high fat in their diet.

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