Jessica Simpson has ‘Best Celebrity Breasts’

July 2nd, 2008 // 103 Comments

Jessica Simpson’s breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn’t consulted but I’m going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here’s their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It’s full of WTF?:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé Knowles

I’ll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We’re talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn’t even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does no one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame video games.

NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson’s breasts over the past year along with her video for “These Boots Are Made for Walking” after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.


  1. Well, Jessica has no talent but her big boobs so bravo to her!

    And, Jennifer Anniston deserves to be on any list of tits ’cause her nipples are constantly “on”!

  2. Tommy

    Megan Fox Should be #1

  3. Primetime

    Congrats! I’m sure your pervert dad will do a celebratory motorboat for all of us. Now can we please cast Jessica in a trampoline movie?

  4. Cleveland

    the best celebrity breast list starts and ends with Posh

  5. Randal

    Jessica has the best of everything and has since she first appeared on the celebrity scene. Great, long golden hair, full kissable lips, straight white sparkling teeth, long french manicured nails, natural acting sense, a killer singing voice, muscular working legs, a form fitting backside and soft pillowed breasts.

    What’s shocking is it took folks all this time to realize it.

    Kudos to you my beautiful blooming orchid! Luv ya! xoxo


  6. numbers


  7. Your Fat Mom

    How convenient that 75% of that group also made it on the top 10 list for annoying and untalented.

  8. I completely understand that no one will ever agree with any list – but I still have to wonder where Christina Aguilera’s post-baby boobs are and of course – Jennifer Love Hewitt.

  9. Welcome back Randal, and while your posts both entertain us and give us shivers down our spine at the same time it is interesting to see your “different” and positive take on all these retard celebs.

  10. notquitethere

    jessica may not have talent but at least she has tig-o-bitties.

  11. bedot

    The top 3 makes sense, but the first ones are the easiest. I still would pick Scarlett over Jessica
    I can also agree with 6, 9-10
    i don’t necessarily see 4-5
    and i dont know who the f*ck #7

  12. veggi

    Fuck that. I’d much rather suck on Ashley Kaufmann’s itty-bittys.

  13. JPRichardson

    I don’t think Lindsay saggy boobs or Beyonce’s have nothing to do in this list.

  14. Dolemite

    ask tony romo. he glazes them every night.

  15. And you just know Jessica is stupid enough to believe Romo when he tells her things like, “Honey, my jizz will make your boobs bigger!”

  16. Deacon Jones

    I would do evil, EVIL things to Jessica Simpson

  17. Beth

    It’s gay to talk about another guy’s “jizz.”

  18. How is Salma Hayek not on that list?

  19. kobe

    fuck romo, she needs my black missle up her ass. I’ll jizz those titties up real nice.

  20. haroof

    she looks very fuckable in that white dress.

  21. chris

    #18 because she’s an old crow

  22. Beth's lesbo lover

    #17 Beth, 15 was making a joke I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make him gay. No go back to eating your girlfriend’s box.

  23. anexio

    she oaky but she no got the boob like brit and that a f faqct.

  24. mike

    #20, totally agree. Extremely hot. I have no argument with her being #1 on that list.

  25. esther

    cant find the montage :(

  26. boob inspector

    This list is ALL wrong. Carmen and Audrina’s are implants, implants are not breasts, they are saline sacks. Beyonce’s boobs are very shmaverage. Megan fox has pretty small ones that look fake at some angles (jury is still out), Katherine Heigl’s are saggy, so are Lindsays and she has the lamest nipples ever. Tyra Banks; WHAT??? Not naked that’s for sure, clothed their big and that’s all. Jennifer Anniston’s look manly in bikini’s. Jessica and Scarlett are worthy, but only in the bood department, sans boobs they are meh (take away the they are hot cuz their blond and you’ll notice that they are weird looking). I agree that Jennifer love is worthy south of the boobs it’s a disaster but her boobs are among the best in Hollywood.

    Randal you scare me shitless. Ahhhh to take a walk in your mind. WHO ARE YOU RANDAL? WHAT ARE YOU?

  27. Lucy Pinder is on the phone. She sounds kinda mad.

    And don’t say “she’s not a celebrity” because she has done as much as someone like Carmen Electra or Audrina Patridge (the latter of whom I had to search on Wikipedia to learn who she was).

  28. mike

    I only wish my goat had tits that big. I would be a very happy man.

  29. My first boobsss Lucy Pinder

  30. Racer X

    Tyra Banks are waaay better.

    (.)(.) <—Like this

  31. Anthony

    Top 10 Boobage? Ummm….no. More like the top 10 bitches who need to be introduced to a rusty wire brush…


    Tiny, BIgg, Saggy, Droopy. They’re all good. Perfect when I deposit my creamy jizz on the boobs.

  33. Come-Honor-Face

    I can agree with Jessica @1, although all those pics are missing something, the pearl necklace i leae her every night.

  34. Solaera

    When did Megan Fox get boobs?

  35. BooHooCoon

    1. deserves to be mentioned, has a nice natural rack
    2. token nig. okay maybe for a National Geographic spread
    3. deserves mention, has some sweet taters
    4. yeah right, ugly & not even a half decent boob-job
    5. decent and seemingly well shaped
    6. decent
    7. deserves mention, nice n lickable
    8. total fug, has worse breasts than most women
    9. should probably top all these bitches, we’ve SEEN how righteous her cans are
    10. HAHAHAHA, total affirmative action, oops did I say firm.. cuz they ain’t, pancake batter titties on a nice tits list is absurd

  36. Trover

    Where the hell is Kate Hudson on this list?? At least her are real, unlike 2/3 of that list. Best chest needs a real and fake category.

  37. jim

    YAY!! They are boobs from a young woman!!!
    best in Hollywood? fine
    I don’t care realy
    they are nice to look at
    but many celeb have nice looking boobies.
    it isn’t exactly an object for the actresses’s resume

  38. That is chock full o’ WTF. TYRA BANKS & LOHAN? In Touch is out of touch.

  39. Kim Lardassian

    HOW many tits on that list are real?

  40. Cleveland

    I can’t believe people moan about some women’s being fake. Can I squeeze ‘em? Then they’re real enough for me

  41. Barely Stearn

    Katherine Heigl??? Katherine Heigl??? Katherine Heigl???

    Get the f*ck outta’ here! I’ve seen better racks at the Men’s Wearhouse! Katherine Heigl…Jesus: That’s an insult to every breast loving man and woman on planet earth.

    …and to add insult to injury: Jennifer Aniston??? Obviously the staff at InTouch has never actually touched or seen an actual breast in real life. Was that list compiled by a staff of monks living in isolation? Or a batch of closeted Republicans presently serving in Congress?

    If Jennifer Aniston has a Top 10 rack than Guy Ritchie doesn’t throw up a little in his mouth each time he sees Madonna naked…

    And come on: What kind of Top 10 list doesn’t have Christina Aguilera on it: My God, the woman IS a breast. She is THE definitive breast. She is to breasts what Porsche is to cars. Christina is the Gold Standard. And what? No Mariah Carey — Mariah Carey’s rack is a Rolex to Jennifer Aniston’s Timex.

    …and for the love of everything holy: CAN WE PLEASE NOT get into a whole discussion about silicone? If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, IT’S A BREAST damnit!

  42. steve

    tyra banks is a fat cellulite filled ass-clown. how’d she make #2.

  43. lambman82

    Jessica should be in the top ten, but not number 1

    Where is Halle Berry? or Selma Hayek? they both have huge natural breasts and are both hotter than most of the women on the lsit

  44. sameshitdifferentyear

    As already observed, Carmen and Audrina both are implanted, so should be off the list.
    They have/had beautiful faces, but tits are tits, have to be real or off the list.
    Should Jennifer Connelly be on that list? Unbelievable bod in her day, was too covered up in Dark City. Getting up there, around Tyra’s age.
    Christina Ricci used to be way up on the list, had hers deflated for some soul-selling reason.
    Jessica Biel has better ones than a lot of those on this list.
    This list makes me realize, most celeb chicks don’t have very good racks these days do they? Where’s today’s Elizabeth Taylor, Sophia Loren,..??
    I don’t obsess over tits, do I…………

    • sierrapaul

      Jennifer Connelly was absolutely delicious in The Rocketeer, but she lost a bunch of weight and allegedly had a breast reduction procedure done after that. She looked like a totally different person in A Beautiful Mind. Dark City totally sucked as a movie and I really don’t remember much about her in that film anyway.

      Sara Evans without question has the best tits in country music, and they are 100% natural. (I don’t even consider Dolly Parton anymore since she is now about 90 years old.)

  45. sara

    well i’m glad they at least qualified this by saying “celebrity” since you see better racks at the local pool/beach every summer.

  46. sebastian

    perhaps the list should include Catherine Zeta Jones. every time I see her luscious breasts I just want to put my member in between them. just my opinion.

  47. brent

    What a bunch of shit!! You can’t make a list like this and not have Christina Aguliera and her massive E cups on it! When talking tits you need enclude her, Minne Driver, Sara Evans, Catherine Bell, Mariah Carey and (what the hell…) Dolly Parton to any list. I call bullshit on this list!

  48. bootlips

    Neegers usually have pancake tits.

  49. Flavio

    Tyra Banks? really? huh. I’ve always found Jessica Simpson slightly attractive, she does have nice boobs, I’d put her at #8 or so. ScarJo deserves the top spot though, nobody on that list has prettier tits than her. ‘best breasts’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘biggest’…

  50. Harry

    Anne Hathaway should be on that list, near the top. IMO

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