Jessica Simpson should probably stop performing in public

August 29th, 2008 // 62 Comments

Jessica Simpson gave another shitass performance in her continuing effort to crossover to country which must be frustrating. I mean, she’s proven she’s illiterate and joined the Klan. What more do these people want?! Anyway, here’s the highlights of her Wednesday night concert at the Avalon Ballroom where Jessica gave long-winded intros to every song forcing The Niagara Falls Review to comment “It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.”:

On how her man must be ready for anything that comes out of her uterus:
Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything – including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien.

On Nick Lachey:
Ex-hubby Nick Lachey gets grilled in the bitter “When I Loved You Like That,” where our girl basically says she carried his cheatin’ ass all those years.

On the smell of her farts; I’m not kidding:
“I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.”

A public admission that your ass doesn’t stink despite chronic flatulence. Now that’s classy. I bet you an old man in a top hat put a monocle up to his eye and said “Jolly good show!” That’s how classy it was. Bravo!

Photos: Splash News
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  1. Lola

    Start the count-down…. Tony Homo’s bout to dump her pudgy blonde-bimbo ass… Why can’t she just SHUT THE FUCK UP?????

  2. adg

    why is her tongue hanging out…

  3. soahc

    first!

  4. soahc

    goddamn it

  5. cramer vs cramer

    the sick thing is that she is a gazillionare. i have cronic wind also, but i make $19.75/hr. there is no justice, and apperenctly no god.

  6. Racer X

    MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

    /people pay to see her?

  7. grobpilot

    People who have only two brain cells (one for breathing, one for a heartbeat) should not overtax their system by trying to speak and create coherent sentences.

  8. rough daddy

    id tie her up to the bed face down and exhaust every orifice! while romo video tape from the closet…

  9. Randal

    Dearest Jessica,

    Shut the fuck up and make me a pot pie.

    XOXOXOXO

  10. Randal

    Dearest Jessica,

    Shut the fuck up and make me a pot pie.

    XOXOXOXO

  11. Randal

    Dearest Jessica,

    Shut the fuck up and make me a pot pie.

    XOXOXOXO

    - Randal

  12. Ted Mosby

    She’ll be a country star if she only released the funbags.

  13. it actually looks like she is farting in some of these pics.

  14. Anon

    Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything

    i.e. temper tantrums hissy fits whining spoilt behaviour.

    I’ve never understood the attitude “are you enough for me” thats going around lately. What the person is really saying is

    i’m difficult and selfish who thinks only of myself and i will not change for you or anyone but you’d better do put up with me and do what i say cos if you can’t then your the loser not me.

    I say get lost.

  15. Lish

    Jessica Is very talented and good at singing country music. She grew up in texas it’s not like she lived in new york her whole life. I love her and she inspires me. For all you shit talkers who only listen to the media she’s inspires people who have been through hard times and SHE ROCKS!!!!

  16. Fasc(ion)ist(a)

    Who the hell dresses her? Holly Hobby?

    All she needs is a Minnie Pearl hat with the price tag hanging down and she’s set. She’s already had sex with her daddy and sings songs about how desperate she is fer a man that ain’t family.

  17. Kelley

    When is this brainless, talentless twit going to dry up and blow away ?? She’s even too stupid to realize Toneo could have gone into his call log and deleted the calls made to Carrie Underwood. Duh ..

  18. #14 glad you caught that too.

  19. dude_on

    She continues to represent stupid women very well. I applaud her lack of intellect and remain surprised the hick community has not welcomed her with open arms as one of their own. And let’s not forget that her tatas are original issue.

    Also – her stupidity is not an act, and this genuine trait is refreshing in a world of phony celeb-wannabes. In effect, she is a role model for all stupid women to look up to and aspire.

  20. Jim

    Any girl who looks that eager to catch a faceful of semen is fine in my book.

  21. AJ

    Poor no talent boring Jessica. She should have stayed with Nick. John Mayer used her as an easy booty call and I doubt her current boyfriend will marry her.

  22. Kriz

    Egads – that dress is NOT flattering. It looks like a down-home circus tent.

  23. JPRichardson

    In math they teach us multiplying negative by negative results in positive. Here, a stupid fool girl pretending to be a stupid fool country girl does not result in anythi9ng positive…

  24. angeline

    She’s so gross

  25. Pokey McSlapp

    What I really, really want to know is who are the morons who actually PAY to see something like this? Can someone please explain this to me? Are these the same mental midgets who would purchase a Heidi Montag song off of iTunes (I shit you not- her songs are actually available for purchase).

  26. joey cantalopes

    Just do a Playboy spread and then go away forever. she’s so pathetic that it’s not fun to mock her anymore

  27. HuckyDucky

    “I fart alot”. Unbelievable. Chicks should not fart. Gross.

  28. rough daddy

    “I fart a lot”= usually chicks who are full of themself and think theyre way to cute than they really are! remember when jenny mccarthy was like that,,,now that shed aged,,,she immediately cut that sillyness out!

  29. tiare nahiku

    In pic 2 she looks like one of those like sized blow up dolls with the “O” mouths that horny guys buy as a girlfriend substitute.

  30. You're a dumbass

    @ 27 Chicks should not fart…really? What the hell are we supposed to do with it then? You know all that pent up air just leads to more bitching, right?

  31. You're a dumbass

    @ 27 Chicks should not fart…really? What the hell are we supposed to do with it then? You know all that pent up air just leads to more bitching, right?

  32. gotmilk?

    what is with her face in pictures 3 & 4?

    she looks like a cow in that dress. and i’m glad she’s stepped it up a notch and is playing in ballrooms now instead of those state fairs.

  33. ali

    Love Jessica! She’s so gorgeous & her voice is amazing! She is a lucky girl!!

  34. ali

    Love Jessica! She’s so gorgeous & her voice is amazing! She is a lucky girl!!

  35. ali

    Love Jessica! She’s so gorgeous & her voice is amazing! She is a lucky girl!!

  36. Richard McBeef

    I would love to see her perform in public.

    In Tijuana.

    With a donkey.

  37. Khunt

    I have IBS and pass quite a bit of gas myself even during sex. I have even farted when lovers are fellating me. I will never understand why the average woman tolerates nonsense from these mindless playmate sex toys penis life support systems.
    Girls, all you have to do is what you want to do. If the man you are with does not like it dump him and find a better man. Not that most men are worth anything then the thing hanging between there hairy legs anyway.

  38. Sacramento

    She performed at the California State Fair this week and messed up on a song and had to start over again. She needs to shut up & stop trying to sing & act.

  39. Randal 2

    Khunt: so are you a dude or a chick? Fellating would indicate you have a dick, but you talk like a fucking pussy. So you’re either a tranny, a woman, or very, very gay. You’re fucked up either way. Farting while fucking is just gross. Do your “lovers” a favor and fellate a loaded handgun.

  40. SATAN

    #39 hilarious

    also, i would find it hilarious to videotape the effects of a flesh-eating virus decaying her body

  41. SATAN

    …time-lapse, of course.

  42. SATAN

    …time-lapsed, of course.

  43. Vivian

    She’s got no talent and she’s always trying to be someone else…She tried to be like Britney when she first came out, now she’s trying to be like Carrie Underwood… No identity, no brain…Tony’s gonna dump her real soon, unless her dad somehow blackmails him into staying with her… she’s an idiot– that’s what she truly is.

  44. Vivian

    She’s got no talent and she’s always trying to be someone else…She tried to be like Britney when she first came out, now she’s trying to be like Carrie Underwood… No identity, no brain…Tony’s gonna dump her real soon, unless her dad somehow blackmails him into staying with her… she’s an idiot– that’s what she truly is.

  45. Vivian

    She’s got no talent and she’s always trying to be someone else…She tried to be like Britney when she first came out, now she’s trying to be like Carrie Underwood… No identity, no brain…Tony’s gonna dump her real soon, unless her dad somehow blackmails him into staying with her… she’s an idiot– that’s what she truly is.

  46. Danklin24

    Someone should probably tell her that country singers stopped wearing table cloths as clothes in the 50′s.

  47. pbandj

    I thought Sally Struthers died

  48. If Jessica just goes back to pop music she will probably do fine. I haven’t heard her sing country yet, but haven’t heard very nice things about her country apearances. There’s always something out there that’s just not right for someone. Take me for instance…I wanted to play basketball in highschool, but Im 5’2 and terrible at sports.

  49. Kristen

    She’s looking a little Winona Judd-ey lately.
    Too bad Winona Judd has more talent in her own farts than Jessica Simpson will ever have.
    Plus, if beefcake here likes putting on weight, I’m pretty damn sure her farts smell like the apocalypse.

  50. imk

    I kind of feel bad for her but she never really deserved all the fame and fortune in the first place. She sings okay (probably better then madonna) but not good enough to take up space from someone with real talent.

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