Jessica Simpson drowned herself in sweet booze when Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer went public

May 15th, 2008 // 43 Comments

Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.

Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww :(

NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.

Photos: Flynet

  1. mimi


    What is Britney doing?

  2. mimi


  3. Joco

    I can cheer her up by dropping a big load all over her chest.

  4. Rex Cramer

    So pretty
    So stupid.

  5. mimi

    1st 2nd & 3rd!

  6. andie

    I feel bad for her right now. I don’t care who you are or how hot you are, this kind of shit still hurts.
    Her ex is hooking up with a woman who’s WAY older than her, and her current boyfriend is telling everybody he’s single, and not bothering to break up with her first.
    Both of these things have happened to me in my life, and they suck. I can’t imagine having both of these things happen in the same year.
    Chin up, Jess. This too shall pass.

  7. Anonymous

    Well, once her upcoming country albums tanks…….what’s next for her? She’s used up just about all her cards. Plus her little sis is supposedly getting married……she’s gonna end up in crazy town very soon.

  8. The split from Nick Lacey isn’t looking like such a good move now, is it?

  9. Goth Time

    She needs to dye her hair (like all the demented brand of whores do) and sing for a pathetic heavy metal band for one album.

  10. noneyobeezwax

    i think all this really proves is that john mayer likes having sex with cold dead motionless fish.

  11. I’d like to drown in those titties

  12. lyn

    LEAVE HER ALONE!Every1 has been on her case about every move the girl makes. give her a break

  13. Hey Andie @ #6….I didn’t know Randal had a sister.

    You wrote that Jessica should be “chin up”. If she goes “chin up”, she’s likely to swat planes right out of the sky with that thing.

    I hope that you are over your heartache.
    However, regarding Jessica Simpson, I hope she crawls into many bottles, explodes her liver, and thousands of pieces of her STD infected flesh descend to earth in flaming ribbons, landing on her Pimp, Papa Joe.

  14. VeggieIsACunt

    Veggie is a worthless cunt.

  15. sla

    She may be dumb, but you’ve gotta give her some credit for calling for a ride. Paris, Lindsay, etc., there is a lesson to be learned here.

  16. Jesus Loves YOU

    @3 That doesn’t cheer anyone up, except maybe number 14. Why so sad and pathetic 14?

  17. hot mess

    it’s VEGGI you assmunch and last i checked, her cunt has a street value of at least 5 bucks. i know it makes you jealous but deal with it, bizatch.

  18. Chris

    Romo is single again??? Had he really stopped seeing other guys while he was “with” Jessica?

  19. john

    Test 1 2 3

  20. Phil

    There was a story awhile back that she and John Mayer went to a hotel in Rome and he fucked her in the ass so hard that she ended up going diarrhea all over the sheets. At least that’s the story the housekeeping staff told (they had to replace the mattress). Supposedly she was willing to do anything to keep him. So I’m not surprised that she got depressed about him hooking up with Maniston, while Tony Homo makes her so drunk that she can be passed around to his friends while semi-conscious.

  21. Jessica Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

    Jessica deserves what she gets. When she met Nick she was a nobody and Nick was famous. Then they do a reality show and Jessica gets more attention. Jessica then gets a fat head with all the attention and starts believing that she can do better than Nick. She also wanted a quick divorce so she would not have to share her movie money with Nick. So now Jessica is divorced and dates John Mayer and he uses her for a convenient booty call, denies they are dating, and then eventually dumps her. Then she is so desperate for love that her father has to set her up with Tony. Jessica never enjoyed football when she was with Nick and since she is desperate for a rcih famous man, she now watches football because of Tony. Now Tony has dumped her. Jessica thought that all men would love and care for her like Nick but now she knows this is not the case. She dates rich and famous men that have other famous women after them and fans too. No famous man will ever love her the way Nick did.

  22. poot

    wow her hands are big breasted too?

  23. Awww… I feel awful for you Jess… here (ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!)… come rest your head on my lap…

  24. VeggieIsACunt

    Veggie is a douche bag .She is covered with smegma.

  25. Hey hey, Mayer fan coming from !

    She needs to give it up! How do you know she wasn’t drunk because of Tony Romo hooking up with what appeared to be her twin?

  26. lipper


    Dude, you have issues. NOT even funny. Get new material.

  27. O'Hara

    Why should Jessica even care what (or who) John Mayer does when she’s supposedly dating Tony?

  28. O'Hara

    Why should Jessica Simpson even care what (or who) John Mayer does when she’s supposedly dating Tony Romo?

  29. britney's weave

    pretty dress. closest she’ll ever get to wearing another wedding one.

  30. Pete


    Because John dumped her!

  31. sympathetic

    I feel bad for Jess. C’mon she’s not very smart, but she’s not a bad person. At least she doesn’t have a huge ego like some other biotches in Hollywood. She made a very bad move by dumping Nick and what sucks is you know her Daddy put her up to it. He poisons every relationship she has. She needs to break away from him. Shit, Ashlee has had better luck w/ love and did we think that would ever happen?

    It just shows that no matter how hot and rich you are, you can still really strike out at life. She and Jennifer Maniston ought to get together and go bowling.

  32. Stupid people shouldn’t drink. It makes them stupider.

    For smart people like me, the drunker I get, the more you people can understand me..heh heh

  33. Jessica is awesome

    I’d dump my wife for Jessica. Good lordy, she is a sweet example of female perfection: gorgeous, stacked, easy, and dumb. Hallelujah!

  34. Trover

    Tap tap tap tap. Tappity tap tap. On her @$$.

    Yeah, I would.

  35. Sex Nuts & Retard Strong

    She’s perfect…nice rack with low standards and an even lower tolerance for alcohol. Order up for one roofie colada please.

  36. First, Beerbongs Lachey was a jealous, arrogant, conceited, controlling, condescending, unfaithful prick. Good riddance.

    Second, the waiter who served the Simpson party last weekend already called bullshit on the blotto story. Read it at Pinkisthenewblog.

    Finally, she’s a dud in bed but she willingly allows Mayer to screw her in the ass?

    As we say in accounting, this doesn’t tie.

    She has no pause mechanism. Other than that she seems the more normal of her ilk. Let’s everyone give it a rest.

  37. Auntie Kryst

    I didn’t like this dumb twat before, but now I know she’s a boozehound. Her ratings have vastly improved. Granted, she’s not at Tara Reid awesomeness yet, but it’s a good effort. A good effort indeed. Cheers, Jessica..

  38. Joco

    Why is it that every has-been turns to country music in a pathetic attempt to revive their sagging career? You have Sheryl Corw, Kid Rock, Bobby Brown, and now Jessica Simpson.

    As for Miss Simpson, I bet she could find happiness if she threw away her diva act and found a normal person instead of a high-profile celebrity to date.

  39. snarky

    this girl seems like she will just never be lucky in love since she dumped Nick

  40. Elk

    “that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home,”

    I think it’s time to stop calling her dumb. The fact that she called for a ride makes her smarter then, well pretty much every other celebrity out there.

  41. Vanessa

    #21 Nick, is that you?

  42. GG1000

    Calling for a ride home puts her head and shoulders above most ot the idiots who make it onto this site. No DUI Hall of Fame should earn some points.

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