Jessica Simpson can’t hold her liquor

The Superficial / April 18, 2008

Jessica Simpson was rushed to hospital at the end of March for what her reps claimed was a kidney infection. Turns out her problems were located more in the liver region. Because she was freaking housed! On top of that Jessica thought she was pregnant from all the drunk sex. … I love you. Star reports:

Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol,” says the source. “She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”
Adding to her distress, anxious Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test! “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant. She was feeling really weak and really scared. She was unraveling.”

Turns out Tony Romo might be the source of her troubles. Personally, I think he’s trying to drink her to death for keeping him out of the Super Bowl. Or maybe just wants to touch a boob. I’m not a freaking doctor:

“She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she’s very conscientious about the calories,” says a source. “But Tony and his buddies really party hard, and I think they expect Jessica to keep up with them. But she is like a third of their weight and just can’t hold as much as they can.”

For those of you who don’t know how alcohol absorption works it’s based heavily on your body weight. So somebody super skinny like, let’s say, Victoria Beckham would get soused with just a thimble of wine. Whereas someone like, oh I dunno, Kim Kardashian could chug an entire keg and be fully functional. Shit, I’d even let her drive my car – blindfolded.