Jessica Simpson can’t hold her liquor

April 18th, 2008 // 51 Comments

Jessica Simpson was rushed to hospital at the end of March for what her reps claimed was a kidney infection. Turns out her problems were located more in the liver region. Because she was freaking housed! On top of that Jessica thought she was pregnant from all the drunk sex. … I love you. Star reports:

Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol,” says the source. “She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”
Adding to her distress, anxious Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test! “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant. She was feeling really weak and really scared. She was unraveling.”

Turns out Tony Romo might be the source of her troubles. Personally, I think he’s trying to drink her to death for keeping him out of the Super Bowl. Or maybe just wants to touch a boob. I’m not a freaking doctor:

“She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she’s very conscientious about the calories,” says a source. “But Tony and his buddies really party hard, and I think they expect Jessica to keep up with them. But she is like a third of their weight and just can’t hold as much as they can.”

For those of you who don’t know how alcohol absorption works it’s based heavily on your body weight. So somebody super skinny like, let’s say, Victoria Beckham would get soused with just a thimble of wine. Whereas someone like, oh I dunno, Kim Kardashian could chug an entire keg and be fully functional. Shit, I’d even let her drive my car – blindfolded.

superficial

  1. BunnyButt

    Housed?

  2. FIRST to say her tucked back cock is sweeter than any of your pus-dripping cuntholes

  3. havoc

    Romo’s a homo……

    .

  4. veggi

    She was also treated for a torn rectum after Papa Joe took his turn when Tony and friends were done. It was the only time she came.

  5. FACE

    Blaming it on Romo is bullshit. I would fuck this broad until the cows came home. Hottest white chick around. She needs one of my great rim jobs and then I will mangle those titties.

  6. fearsarewishes

    “But she is like a third of their weight and just can’t hold as much as they can.”

    JFC, I hate the unnecessary use of the word ‘ike” in like every fucking sentence you stupid fucking teenage cunts like utter.

    Like, you like feel me?

    Stupid asshole fucking like cunts.

  7. I hear, from my sources, that she’s been struggling with post rectal discharge as well.

    You didn’t hear it from me, but this is from unimpeachable sources

  8. Peppie

    @ #3: LOL, my sentiments exactly

    I wonder how much she drank. If she is like me (130 lbs 5’9 19 yrs old), then she can probably drank half a fifth and be okay (AKA, not throwing up everywhere).

  9. Jumpin_J

    Man, is that all you got to do to touch boobies? Jessie, I got some real Southern Comfort at my place, if ya know what I mean. Wink wink. No, your daddy can’t come over too. That’s just plain creepy.

  10. James

    Who? Never heard of this Jennifer/Jessica “whatever her slutty name is” Simpson you’re speaking of,

  11. George

    Test

  12. nipolian

    #6 – What do you have against “ike”? Sure he smacked Tina around a little but Proud Mary and Nutbush City Limits were masterpieces.

  13. Wow, another bit titted no-talent moron slut who can’t hold her alcohol…I’m shocked!

  14. tight lipped smiler

    She’s trying to have sex with the ape but it’s hoping if it holds its breath long enough it will pass out instead.

  15. Jackson

    Jessica use to irritate me but now I feel sorry for her. Kim Kardaskank irritates me because she is worthless but she makes fat chicks feel good about themselves because Kim is your typical fat American.

  16. Auntie Kryst

    Tina was just the singuh, Ike wrote da songs..

    As for Jessica, I want clarification of “an obscene amount of alcohol”. I may want to add her to my anchorman team. So far I got Tara Reid, Mel Gibson and Nick Nolte.

  17. Jessica Simpson is into Furrys!

  18. George

    Oh I hope this works. Test Test.

  19. llllllllll

    Slut

  20. Greedo the Dead

    Forgive me, but that’s just the cutest picture of her I’ve ever seen. She really is adorable there. I’m sure she’s a fun drunk.

    /snark line forms below

  21. Cowboys Fan

    This is great news! Tony Romo is the key to our team’s success and he’s seemed so pussy whipped since he hooked up with this bitch. But now it sounds like he’s getting her drunk and letting his teammates gangbang her after she passes out, which is awesome! Pro football is only for real men, and that’s how a real man acts. Only detail I’m worried about is whether he goes first or last. If Tony goes first, he’s definitely the leader we need for next season. If he goes last, jesus, all is lost, and maybe all the taunting (Tony Homo) has some truth to it. I’m PRAYING that he goes first.

    (About the story…don’t know who this bitch is supposed to be. Don’t care.)

  22. George

    Can anybody hear me? Test Test Test 1 2 3. Is this thing on?

  23. nipolian

    Damn Auntie I think you have me beat….all I got is David Hasselhoff, Andy Dick, and Tom Sizemore.

  24. BunnyButt

    Nip, though Auntie’s team members may have bigger names, you have an ace in the hole with a member named “Dick”.

  25. Digo

    You’d let a girl drive your car? I thought you knew better than that.

  26. #18 Auntie, I need clarification on that too….I’m serious. What’s obscene??

  27. Vas Deferens

    Drunk, stupid whores that think they are pregnant are a dime a dozen.

    Jessica fucks her dad.

  28. Grunion

    After this pic was taken Snufflelufugus slipped her some GHB and sodomized her for 3 hours while his buddy filmed it.

  29. Joe "Big Papa" Simpson

    Damn! And I was hoping for a son..err, I mean Grandson.

  30. NY Ted

    Tony Homo is just in off season training…with his beeetch Yoko Romo! Good to hear he is swilling his life away…so the NY Giants can KICK HIS ASS AGAIN IN NEXT SEASONS PLAYOFFS!

  31. Furry Friend

    Is she now so desperate for a man that she has become a furvert.

  32. Furry Friend

    Is she now so desperate for a man that she has become a furvert.

  33. I like to hold my licker by the ears.

    What? Too old? Fuck you…..

  34. Staragent

    Her health problems sound like an unresolved STD that she let go too far without being treated so that it traveled into her kidneys. Read – Urinary Tract Infection.

    She needs to meet and get with a good man who will put her back in touch with the ground.

  35. BoboTed

    Well, we now know that Tony Romo will never be an elite QB like Peyton Manning because instead of finding ways to quit throwing so many god damn INTs he is getting shit-faced drunk and fucking Jessica Simpson.

    It will be nice to see the G-MEN plant that piece of shit on his ass next season.

  36. lilkutie

    So she thinks she could be pregnant and gets shitfaced? Niiiice…..

  37. IKE

    Normally the weight thing is true, until you get to THE mighty might and processor of substances, AMY WINEHOUSE!! She could drink AND snort Jabba the Hut to shame!!
    lol

  38. you have no taste

    Those pictures of Jessica are hilarious, but your Kim Kardashian joke is pathetic. She’s soooo not fat. She just has the ultimate hourglass figure, sorry if you dig curveless and assless sticks though.

  39. emmaleigh

    I thought she didn’t believe in sex before marriage? Unless its, no sex before marriage, but after divorce is alright….
    what a hypocrite, I can’t stand her talentless flat ass.

  40. Elk

    “For those of you who don’t know how alcohol absorption works”

    There are people on here that don’t know how alcohol works?

  41. When I was a youngin’ people used to get shitfaced too!!! But we’da still called her a whore!!!

  42. Danklin24

    uh, you dont get a urinary tract infection from consuming too much alcohol. I call bullshit on this source. Massive amounts of alcohol will flush your system.therefore no infection.

  43. Professional drinker’s secret weapon:

    http://www.CheerzHangover.com

  44. Brii

    She needs to follow her sister’s example and get a nose job. She gets uglier everytime I see her, she’s definately not ageing well, I guess it’s the alcohol abuse.

  45. James

    Tony Romo is now my hero.

  46. Ben

    Mmmm, not her fan. I saw her profile on “S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m ” last week. “She is already in relationship with a young billionaire on our site”, according to the officials of that site.You can contact her on that site.

  47. James

    Oh for Pete’s sake! You spammers are really getting on my nerves now.

  48. sharpeidude

    Romo doesn’t need any help from this twit, he sucks ass as a player just fine by himself. Two trips to the playoffs and no advancement to the SB with him behind center. That gurgling sound is Jerry Jones tossing his cookies.

  49. Mmmm, not her fan. I saw her profile on http://www.cafepress.com/kosmiqpandora . c o m ” last week. “She is already in relationship with a young billionaire on our site”, according to the officials of that site.You can contact her on that site.

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