My dream of marrying Jessica Simpson, tying her up in my attic, and tormenting her with word puzzles and the wonders of a manual can opener are one step closer to fruition. Nick Lachey is about to be set free to continue his life’s work of picking up sluts at high school football games, now that Jessica has formally filed the divorce papers.
The singer cited “irreconcilable differences” and has requested that her last name be officially changed back to Simpson. She’s also asking that there be no spousal support.
I wouldn’t be surprised to find out those “irreconcilable differences” have less to do with cheating and more to do with Nick refusing to teach her how to read. Regardless of the cause, making the split formal now gives me the opportunity to have a ceremonial burning of Nick’s effigy on my front lawn. I’m sure the neighbors will understand.
UPDATE: Here’s a PDF version of the actual divorce papers, if you’re into that kind of thing.
BurnZ | December 16, 2005 at 8:40 pm
So there won’t be another season of newlyweds?
Wolfy23 | December 16, 2005 at 9:54 pm
Lachey better take her for everything she’s got,if not for himself, at least for all men everywhere that have had to pay half of their wealth to some trophy biotch that claims to have “contributed to his success.”
overcast | December 16, 2005 at 10:00 pm
Hopefully he bangs that hot little Danielle Calo.
Smackage | December 16, 2005 at 10:11 pm
no no, i think you have it all wrong. i think the problem was that nick wanted to teach her to read, but she refused to learn because she thought it would make her ugly
~S.Starr~ | December 16, 2005 at 10:12 pm
I think this is all a hoax…they just want to divorce and get married again so thay can do another season of newlyweds… It’s going to be called “Newlyweds, Again”
Thats hot!
Zanathon | December 16, 2005 at 11:46 pm
I think Nick Lachey is getting seriously Punk’d.
This time you’ve gone too far, Ashton Kutcher – TOO FAR!
nikki | December 17, 2005 at 12:02 am
Papa Simpson ain’t wasting no time! I can’t believe his smear campaign against the man that dared to steal his precious daughter. Ashlee is sick in Japan and Papa Simpson is yet to get on a plane. He’s too scared to leave his Precious alone — she might just call up her hubby. :rolleyes:
HollyJ | December 17, 2005 at 12:10 am
they’re both lame
Sally | December 17, 2005 at 1:27 am
Look Mr Superficial Sir, you can have Jessica all to yourself… Please don’t hurt Nick, ship him to me… My dog just got run over; I need something new to entertain me… Maybe Nick has some neat tricks he can show me (cue drooling, and howling, and air humping)…
Bill Clinton | December 17, 2005 at 3:30 am
Yawn! Anyone hear about Scott Stapp going crazy the other day on Casino Cinema? Click my name to see the video.
aphawki | December 17, 2005 at 5:02 am
As much as I would love to trash talk about this, I just can’t. If there was one couple in Hollywood I thought would last, it was this one. What a shame. I am so glad I’m not a celeb.
hafaball | December 17, 2005 at 5:10 am
when did she ever use his last name? I don;t even know how you pronounce Lachey, but Simpson is popular, like the Simpsons…hehe, d’oh!, that crazy Homer.
Captain Awesome | December 17, 2005 at 5:20 pm
I wonder who was with her to help her spell “irreconcilable differences”?
Wolfie | December 17, 2005 at 5:38 pm
Just had to bang her, didn’t he? A billion chicks in the world throwing themselves at him, but he had to settle on the one who wouldn’t give it up unless he married her. My guess is he knew what a huge mistake he had made milliseconds after gettin’ it on their wedding night.
rebecca | December 17, 2005 at 8:53 pm
i too thought this one might work. but, it hasn’t. oh wells.
onto the next hollywood couple who decide to divorce for really pathetic reasons.
Captain Awesome | December 17, 2005 at 9:12 pm
The terms “Hollywood couple” and “pathetic” go hand-in-hand.
JerseyGirl | December 17, 2005 at 10:03 pm
I think Nick will be much happier without her – he was way too smart for her and he wasn’t too smart himself.
So now, Papa Simpson can now move his family to Utah, divorce his wife and marry Jessica. That relationship is too weird!
Aristotrash | December 17, 2005 at 11:04 pm
So come on – who laid down the line? Was it Nick (fed up w/ her diva/slut ways) or Jessica (wed up w/ his cheating/B-status ways)? (Who filed the papers doesn’t mean s**t.)
BadassFred | December 18, 2005 at 1:01 am
I feel kind of bad for Jessica Simpson. sure, she’s rich and beautiful and famous.
But she’s too stupid to survive alone.
Michelle | December 18, 2005 at 1:01 am
Well, I guess now Nick gets to move back to Ohio and be a local celebrity, and Jessica gets to slut around Hollywood trying to reclaim the youth that she wasted with an early marriage.
Michelle | December 18, 2005 at 1:02 am
Well, I guess now Nick gets to move back to Ohio and be a local celebrity, and Jessica gets to slut around Hollywood trying to reclaim the youth that she wasted with an early marriage.
Kiren | December 18, 2005 at 8:59 am
http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6961
you can see the actual divorce papers there
AllHailRoone | December 18, 2005 at 10:27 am
It seems there’s ALWAYS a blonde with major hooters, and the IQ of a clam, as a major focal point of celebrity news. Jessica Simpson?, Pam Anderson?, Anna Nicole?
NEXXXXT?
derekd | December 18, 2005 at 5:16 pm
I’m sure Nick got tired of hearing “EWWWWWW!!!” after certain suggestions in thier love making. He could have said, “Honey in the marriage papers it says, ‘To have and to hold and to swallow whatever comes out.’” What a lame lay she probably is.
MacMac | December 19, 2005 at 5:53 pm
I wonder what else has been bouncing around in her undercarriage.
tess | December 20, 2005 at 10:27 am
I don’t get those couple who divorce before even having children. Nick and Jess had 3 years ahead of them to produce a baby and they didn’t. What a waste of time. Same thing with Brad and Jen. They had 5 strong years of marriage and did nothing of it.I guess Aniston must deeply regret her choice of putting career first now that her biological clock is ticking (she’s almost 37) and that her only prospect to get that kid is: fugly Vince Vaughn.
minxy | December 20, 2005 at 5:58 pm
This makes me really sad. I mean, I think it’s good that Nick won’t have to put up with that awful father-in-law anymore, but he and Jessica seemed so in love. She is giving up a marriage for a career that will likely be over in a year. I think she’s making a big mistake, if she is really the one leaving.
slinkhard | December 21, 2005 at 4:16 am
What the hell, tess? Surely it’s better to split before dragging innocent children into a messy divorce? And maybe some people don’t want children right away – it’s not a law that they should, or anything.
ThatsHot | December 21, 2005 at 6:33 pm
Ahhhh yes, the Nessica breakup. Or is it Jick? Anyhoo, can anyone one say, “NOOOOO DUUUUHHH!!!!”? I mean really. Who could possibly stay married to such a vacuous bobble-headed ditz any longer? Did you really think it was gonna last? You’re such a romantic. When she blew that crap out of her ass about staying a virgin til marriage, I knew right then their marriage was a house built of lies. Lies, all lies I tell you!!! Oh, you believed that too? Honey, don’t be such a moron. She’s sweet and everything, but cripes! Just watching her makes me want to kill her. And Nick’s not innocent in this either. Maybe if he put the mack hand down and reeled her in before she went off the deep end, it might have worked. But alas, now Nick’s trying to drown his sorrows in partying while Jessica’s aleviates her pain with badly done eyelift surgery and lip injections. “Just keep filling them til my lips hurt more than my heaaaaart! WAAAAAAAHHH!!”