Jessica files divorce papers

tn_nick_jessica_cr.jpgMy dream of marrying Jessica Simpson, tying her up in my attic, and tormenting her with word puzzles and the wonders of a manual can opener are one step closer to fruition. Nick Lachey is about to be set free to continue his life’s work of picking up sluts at high school football games, now that Jessica has formally filed the divorce papers.

The singer cited “irreconcilable differences” and has requested that her last name be officially changed back to Simpson. She’s also asking that there be no spousal support.

I wouldn’t be surprised to find out those “irreconcilable differences” have less to do with cheating and more to do with Nick refusing to teach her how to read. Regardless of the cause, making the split formal now gives me the opportunity to have a ceremonial burning of Nick’s effigy on my front lawn. I’m sure the neighbors will understand.

UPDATE: Here’s a PDF version of the actual divorce papers, if you’re into that kind of thing.