Jessica Biel should do things to me

May 12th, 2009 // 68 Comments

Here’s Jessica Biel looking all kinds of hot at the Manhattan premiere of Easy Virtue last night. I’ve always equated marriage with getting a vasectomy from a chainsaw, but I’d marry this woman today. Provided we could still see other people. — Ha! Kidding. I meant just me.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. Poo

    frist drapped bitches

  2. Eggy

    I don’t get it. Is she supposed to be hot? She looks kinda granola mom-ish and boring as hell. Like she wants you to eat her vegetarian chili and listen to the radio.

  3. Dave

    gross, nice man arms.

    you can have sir dudeness here, i like my women petite.

  4. Tucker Jay

    She is cute.

    Not looking to hot right here.

  5. sim

    she still looks like a man…

  6. whocares

    he has a nice mouth and chest for a girl

  7. odd

    She’s a (closeted) lesbian who makes (supposedly) straight men lust for anal sex. She makes Baby Jesus laugh and cry at the same time.

  8. pete

    There’s something unwatchable about her face. Maybe it’s the giant toothy mouth, or the overall hint of manliness. But definitely not a great trait for an actress. She really shouldn’t be so fixated on making people say she has more than a talented butt. If she needs an Academy Award to make her feel “validated” she should make a movie called “Walking Away.”

  9. Haha

    Her lips are fake, her mouth is like a horse….her nose is like Michael Jackson’s and her arms are man arms….

    GROSS

  10. Karen

    Uh yeah whatever.

    But this reminds me – anybody see Justin Timberlake on SNL? In one skit he really made fun of himself, including the falsetto singing voice and rumors about having sex with men. I can’t stand his music, but I have to say I respect how he obviously set no limits on the show’s script in terms of parodying him or otherwise making him look foolish to get laughs. By comparison, Ms. Imma Realactress here seems needlessly self-conscious.

  11. BEAM

    Jesus, look at those arms. She looks like a she-hulk. She can probably lift Timberlake over her head with hand.

  12. Wow she is a very sexy woman!

  13. e-rock

    Ok, so really mixed feelings here:
    first, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the dress and shoes. And the hair and makeup are just glam, totally fresh and chic.
    So I think she must have an excellent stylist, because otherwise she usually looks so drab and boring. and whats with the fish lips and man arms? Its like her stylist is trying her best to make her look more feminine, well honey, you better try harder!!! Cuz this girl has amazing bone structure, but not very feminine at all!!! I don’t think she is going to age very well, and should lay off the pushups, and collagen lip filler. Otherwise, not bad.

  14. Vero

    #2

    You are just a fat creep that loves bleach blonde porn bitches with big hard implants.

  15. lain

    I hate her plastic nose and lips. They look like sausages.

  16. Jackson

    She has a nice ass and no girdle butt like Kim Kardaskank! You would never ever see Kim walk around without her girdle butt while wearing tight clothes.

  17. huh?

    It’s like they’re playing the “Dude Looks Like a Lady” video backwards.

  18. Deacon Jones

    AWW…FUCK YEAH!!

    Hottest woman in Hollywood. Period.

  19. Dude

    You scary little dicked faggots! She’s not the problem, YOU are! This is one fine woman and if you no dick punks had any MAN in you, you’d see it.

    Your problem lies within your own lack of confidence, a woman like this would be putty in my hands, but to you wimpy little school boys, she’s intimidating?

    Um, um, um! What a said state of affairs women must be in, all you girly men
    prancing around in pants, PPPFFFTTTT!

    Sissies, that what you limp-dick closet queers are, Sissies!

  20. S. Freud

    #19 – you seem highly aroused while repeatedly talking about “dicks” and “faggots” and “sissies.” There’s a special video hidden under a floorboard in your basement, isn’t there?

  21. oh7

    She’s very hot now. But, in 5 years, she’ll be horsey. She could end up looking like Kirsty Ally in 10 years. Just fair warning, Justin. She’s got big bones.

  22. oh7

    She’s very hot now. But, in 5 years, she’ll be horsey. She could end up looking like Kirsty Ally in 10 years. Just fair warning, Justin. She’s got big bones.

  23. miggs

    “Just fair warning, Justin. She’s got big bones.”

    I’m pretty sure big bones is what Justin is really looking for.

  24. Megan

    Manish, boring, was on 7th Heaven, and fucks Justin Timberlake. Need I say more? First class loser right behind Jennifer Aniston.

  25. PunkA

    Man, I wonder which is tighter, her ass or her vag. I mean, if she flexed either while you were in there I bet she’d put a death hold clamp on your pecker like never before. And it would hurt so good.

  26. J-Dizzle

    Wut up dawgs? J-Dizzle back on da attack yo! Girl gots nothin’ on muh muffin’ so lay down dem beats so I can shuffle muh feets yo! Dizzle just fizzled so I be outs.

  27. She’s hot; but she’s from Boulder. Boulder people are from another planet. Real wackadoos/ I’ll pass.

  28. Montalban

    Reminds me of the Kentucky Derby winner “Mine That Ass”! She’s fine!

  29. Deacon Jones

    @25
    Well put Punk.

    I can understand some of the women trashing her on here (read: fat and lonely) but c’mon guys. You’re straight up lying thru your teeth.

    If I saw her naked ass on all fours, I’d sit there and sob for 10 minutes before I took my pants off. Timberlake knows how to pick Grade A tail. That’s prime USDA choice cut right there. Congrats

  30. Sir Cadbury Worthalott

    I say there, Master J-Dizzle,

    I rather fancy your colorful use of the good King’s English! “Dizzle just fizzled so I be outs” indeed! Ha!

    Top shelf, good sir! Top shelf, I say!

    SIncerely,
    Sir Cadbury Worthalott

  31. Kellie

    Michael Jackson called, he wants his nose back, sausage mouth!

  32. Gando

    She seems to be in great shape and she has nice curves!

  33. Freekity geeek

    I think she looks great– elegant, classy, not too much makeup. Sure, her arms are very toned, but I think it’s better to be fit than flabby (unless you overdo it– you know who I’m talking about!). I think Jessica looks fab in jeans or a gown, so kudos to her for not trying to hard with bleached blond hair and huge, fake, plastic boobs. Also, who cares about her personal life? She keeps it clean and stays out of the news, so I say keep on keepin’ on, honey. PS: Love the pale, natural skin.. so graceful and chic. Oh, and I’m a girl!

  34. Freekity geeek

    Oh, and she reminds me of Christy Turlington here. Anyone else agree?

  35. Homos

    I havea feeling most “men” here are fags. I would not be surprised. Not one single dude coming to this site would ever honestly not say a thing negative about this chick. She is a fucking goddess and only faggots critique women.
    Period.

    Now go lather up your pubes and shave your asses. The mailman is back for some after hour lovin’.

  36. Justin

    Check out the looks on the faces of the ladies/girls behind her. Man, do they ever look jealous/envious of her. Some looks of disgust sprinkled in there also.

  37. I’d fuck her…if she was like 12…

  38. half-fag

    She looks too masculine

  39. scrappy_ugly

    elegant? no
    gorgeous? no
    she has a nice mouth and body
    but there’s something totally lesbian or tomboy about her.
    she’s not feminine at all

  40. Tim

    #35 – “Now go lather up your pubes and shave your asses. The mailman is back for some after hour lovin’.”

    So what happens after that in your fantasy?

  41. Jennyjenjen / J Cubed

    @24 So Megan, what are your achievements? Macarthur Grant? Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover? Dated Johnny Depp? Wrote a New York Time’s bestseller did ya? If the list you ticked off makes her a loser, what qualifies you as a winner? Just curious.

  42. jaime

    she totally wrapped her bedsheets around her right before leaving the house

  43. le fag

    i would so let her try and convert me.

    it’s the fat, ugly and lonely women here who trashes her. even a fag like me knows she’s sexy as hell! you could bounce a nickel off that ass.

  44. sue

    hahaha
    “only gay guys critique womens’ bodies” that’s so true. I used to date this guy who was so metrosexual that I thought sometimes he was gay. He was so picky and always commenting on womens’ bodies…like a chick. He was also super into women a foot shorter than him so he could appear like the man. what a loser.

  45. sue

    hahaha
    “only gay guys critique womens’ bodies” that’s so true. I used to date this guy who was so metrosexual that I thought sometimes he was gay. He was so picky and always commenting on womens’ bodies…like a chick. He was also super into women a foot shorter than him so he could appear like the man. what a loser.

  46. shirleytemple

    her arms are manly.

  47. Nicole

    She looks beautiful, especially in the first, fourth and fifth picture.

    Fish lips? Bah! Her smile is gorgeous.

  48. vdawg

    she is simply amazing. Beautiful face, not trashy, doesn’t seem bitchy. Most of all, GREAT ASS. I would give it a good sniff and I’m a girl.

  49. timmy the frisky virus

    I sure don’t remember her having such a horsey looking face, but then again, I may have just been too busy looking at her T & A.

  50. Jessica is gorgeous

    What are you losers talking about?? I would love to look as ripped as her! Do you want people to starve down to a -0000? Ya know everyone seeing her in real life says she is amazing hot & shes beautiful here.

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