Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake engaged?! I’ll kill him!

Justin Timberlake is reportedly getting ready to propose to his girlfriend Jessica Biel. You may remember her from that time you saw her ass, fainted head first into the copy machine and crapped yourself. Because, yeah, that so happened to you and not me. I don’t even know what a copy machine is. The Sun reports:

One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumours. They added: “Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids.
“For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with MADONNA. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”

Justin wants the wedding to be held on the West Indian island of Mustique because not only is the place pimp as shit, but it’s private property so he can keep the press out. Not while I have my fake alligator suit, sucker!:

His friend added: “Although Justin has lived his whole life in the public eye, he feels his wedding is the one day that should remain private. To get all his close friends and family to Mustique will cost a fortune. But he can’t put a price on how he feels about Jessica. Then there are the rumours about a baby being on the way.”

I love how anytime a celeb is getting married it’s immediately assumed it’s a shotgun wedding. Even though that’s the case 99.5% of the time. (Tell ‘em, Pete Wentz.) I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned gold-digging? Sometimes you just want to marry a person to take all their money. C’mon, that’s romantic. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to put on my cut-off jeans and clean the pool. My wife gets super-pissed if I’m not out there while she’s playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, it’s the doghouse for me. But, no, seriously, the old nut thinks I’m a Pomeranian. Help.