Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake engaged?! I’ll kill him!

May 19th, 2008 // 77 Comments

Justin Timberlake is reportedly getting ready to propose to his girlfriend Jessica Biel. You may remember her from that time you saw her ass, fainted head first into the copy machine and crapped yourself. Because, yeah, that so happened to you and not me. I don’t even know what a copy machine is. The Sun reports:

One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumours. They added: “Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids.
“For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with MADONNA. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”

Justin wants the wedding to be held on the West Indian island of Mustique because not only is the place pimp as shit, but it’s private property so he can keep the press out. Not while I have my fake alligator suit, sucker!:

His friend added: “Although Justin has lived his whole life in the public eye, he feels his wedding is the one day that should remain private. To get all his close friends and family to Mustique will cost a fortune. But he can’t put a price on how he feels about Jessica. Then there are the rumours about a baby being on the way.”

I love how anytime a celeb is getting married it’s immediately assumed it’s a shotgun wedding. Even though that’s the case 99.5% of the time. (Tell ‘em, Pete Wentz.) I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned gold-digging? Sometimes you just want to marry a person to take all their money. C’mon, that’s romantic. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to put on my cut-off jeans and clean the pool. My wife gets super-pissed if I’m not out there while she’s playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, it’s the doghouse for me. But, no, seriously, the old nut thinks I’m a Pomeranian. Help.

superficial

  1. common sense

    #48 – what’s wrong with you? Why so bitter? Were you dumped recently?
    Your attitude will get you really far with the ladies. I’m not facing anything other than the fact that you’re a complete asshole. Go get some help – there’s pills out there that can help you, you tool.

  2. LOLOLOLOLOL

    This has been a great read. We’ve got fearsarewishes, who believes that “real men” leave their children behind, anonymous who is bitter because all women love money more than him, common sense who’s handing out meds, and ball buster who sounds like she’ll do exactly that.

    All of this has nothing to do with the topic at hand. But, this, my friends, is what the Internet is all about!

  3. absolute2

    It is not true. His blog and photos were found at wealthy men for beautiful women personals site “W e a l t h yR o m a n c e.c o m” last week. It is said he is dating a yougn beauty on that site now.

  4. Who Is In Denial?

    #48

    Hmm… Why is it that all guys I know who are short and ugly said the same thing you did? And those who are tall and good looking (and even poor) never did?

    Dude, stop denying that the reason women don’t want you is NOT because you’re not rich enough: it’s simply because they find you repulsive, physically and mentally.

    Just face the facts and move on. And stop bitching on a gossip site. There is nothing that turns off women more than a short, ugly, whining, male bitch.

  5. Cartman

    That queer is so unworthy of her.

  6. snarky

    Nice BEARD, Jessica…as in…lets face it; you’re a lesbian. The question is, is Jessica Justin’s beard??? Or is he straight? I can’t tell.

  7. #48 & 49 – Obviously you guys have a hard time seeing your johnsons. And you don’t have much money. And your pick up lines fail when the recipient is anything less than legally blind. And you cling to guns and religion out of bitterness.

  8. Anonymous

    Aw common sense……truth can be a very bitter pill to swallow at times……

  9. HE DEFINITELY IS A FAGGOT!!
    Look how they’re holding hands.
    He wants us to believe that he’s a HETERO.
    You don’t fool me, YOU FAGGOT!!

  10. jessica is pregnant?
    OH MY GOSH!!!
    are they getting married??
    is that real??

  11. Anonymous Will Remain Anonymous for Being Short, Ugly and Boring

    #58

    You sound just like those ugly, fat bitches who keep whining and complaining about every single thing. Yet they keep saying that the reason they can’t get a man is because their high education intimidates them, when other women with their MS degrees have no problems getting marriage proposals.

    Seriously, why can’t you just accept the fact that women don’t want you simply because you’re short, ugly and boring? Why don’t you look around you and see if there is any tall, handsome (even poor) guy who can’t get a hot woman?

    “…truth can be a very bitter pill to swallow at times…”

  12. Anonymous

    Wow #61……you wouldn’t be so angry if a nerve hadn’t been struck.

  13. Anonymous Is Even More Pitiful than I Thought

    #62

    Didn’t you know that verbal diarrhea or a broken tape can’t possibly hit a nerve?

    I apologize for being so insensitive: I didn’t realize that the reason you’re poor is because of your 2-digit IQ and unoriginality. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt that you might be just a lazy bum. I was raised not to make fun of people who are handicapped, especially mentally. So please forgive me.

    No wonder you can’t have sex with a girl and therefore has to resort to bitching on a gossip site. Please, sweetie, it is already difficult for women to be around someone whose body and breath stink. So when you add shortiness, ugliness, idiocy and unoriginality, it is really killing us. At least if you had some money you could help us go to a therapy after a brief date with you.

  14. marrion

    wow, biel looks like a man, they do NOT match main. &justin, GO BACK TO BRITNEY, she realllllly need you.

  15. JUSTIN was way better with britney spears.
    they are way better than him and jessica
    GET BACK WITH BRITNEY !

  16. JUSTIN was way better with britney spears.
    they are way better than him and jessica
    GET BACK WITH BRITNEY !

  17. JUSTIN was way better with britney spears.
    they are way better than him and jessica
    GET BACK WITH BRITNEY !

  18. lOu.x

    OMJ! Y didnt he wait 4 me!! Justin T i LOVE you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! much! Dnt get married jusss yet!! i LOVE U XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx

  19. lOu.x

    OMJ! Y didnt he wait 4 me!! Justin T i LOVE you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! much! Dnt get married jusss yet!! i LOVE U XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx

  20. jelly

    All of ya need to get a life and stop worring about other peoples lives.

  21. jelly

    All of ya need to get a life and stop worring about other peoples lives.

  22. jelly

    All of ya need to get a life and stop worring about other peoples lives.

  23. Maria

    Ewww gross he’s marrying the horseface. He doesn’t look that happy to me. He’s probably marrying her for the wrong reasons. Britney and Cameron were both better looking than this chick.

  24. Maria

    Ewww gross he’s marrying the horseface. He doesn’t look that happy to me. He’s probably marrying her for the wrong reasons. Britney and Cameron were both better looking than this chick.

  25. Justin's Barbie

    Justin can have a friend, partner, girlfriend or he can be GAY and I wouln’t care… But getting married? The only way to see his name with the word married in a sentence is in my f***ing nightmares.
    O.K

  26. whitefang

    damn justin timberlake what are you thanking your fckin hot you could do better than that and you know that

  27. nina

    justin will marry me inchallah…
    not that bitch jessica biel…
    fuck you !!!

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