Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake engaged?! I’ll kill him!

May 19th, 2008 // 77 Comments

Justin Timberlake is reportedly getting ready to propose to his girlfriend Jessica Biel. You may remember her from that time you saw her ass, fainted head first into the copy machine and crapped yourself. Because, yeah, that so happened to you and not me. I don’t even know what a copy machine is. The Sun reports:

One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumours. They added: “Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids.
“For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with MADONNA. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”

Justin wants the wedding to be held on the West Indian island of Mustique because not only is the place pimp as shit, but it’s private property so he can keep the press out. Not while I have my fake alligator suit, sucker!:

His friend added: “Although Justin has lived his whole life in the public eye, he feels his wedding is the one day that should remain private. To get all his close friends and family to Mustique will cost a fortune. But he can’t put a price on how he feels about Jessica. Then there are the rumours about a baby being on the way.”

I love how anytime a celeb is getting married it’s immediately assumed it’s a shotgun wedding. Even though that’s the case 99.5% of the time. (Tell ‘em, Pete Wentz.) I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned gold-digging? Sometimes you just want to marry a person to take all their money. C’mon, that’s romantic. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to put on my cut-off jeans and clean the pool. My wife gets super-pissed if I’m not out there while she’s playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, it’s the doghouse for me. But, no, seriously, the old nut thinks I’m a Pomeranian. Help.


  1. debagger


  2. So he likes being slapped around?

  3. The only reason I can guess as to why these women date this tool is they’ve never heard him try to sing.

  4. Does he have a huge dingus too?

  5. Annie

    Fckn Jessica…He looked HAPPIER with Cameron Diaz

  6. hottie mchotthott

    Biel isn’t THAT hot, this russian chick is way hotter

  7. Justin is the world’s most overrated douchenozzle.

    Why has the world forgiven him for NSYNC?

  8. seriously….She’s f#cking hot. I’d like to like her ass.

    And, as much as i hate to say it….the dude IS a pimp. Gotta give respect where respect is due.

    Now, back to more important things like Jessica’s ass. Wow, love to lick it clean

  9. mimi



  10. havoc

    I thought he was fucking Doogie Howser.



  11. Dude

    If that dress was slit up a little further you could see her penis. Biel is absolutely a she-male.

  12. eh

    i wonder how miss diaz feels now that she is all old and well old, talk about crows feet.
    nothing like getting married once u found out u have knocked some chick up
    prenup bitch prenup

  13. Auntie Kryst

    In a related story, the Sizzler Restaurant franchise located in Rockaway, NJ is pleased to announce an expanded salad and the promotion of Mr. Joseph Fattone to Evening Manager..

  14. Binky

    #5 She’d look happier with Cameron Diaz.
    I guess they have that in common.

  15. fearsarewishes


    Why the fuck would any guy this famous and this wealthy get married? He can stick his filthy penis in any new hole he cares to every hour on the hour for the rest of his life, but no! He wants to marry this screaming hot piece of ass.

    Well, Mr. Timberlake, go right ahead and get married. You will learn what millions of other men already know – no matter how hot the piece of ass is there is some guy somewhere that is horribly, terribly tired of fucking it.

    Thank you.

  16. veggi

    So a gay guy got a lesbian pregnant…and liberals think there’s no damage being done to society by the homosexual agenda.

  17. wtf!??! i think we need to have a timberlake circle kick. time to break out the doc martins out of the closet. hmmm.. maybe i should clean off the blood from when i found out that joe pesci was banging nikki cox. of course after what she looks like now, i feel kinda silly. sorry joe.

  18. Oakly

    I don’t understand how fucking Justin in the ass with a strapon got Jessica pregnant.

  19. FRIST!!!

    Thats how I get men. My birthcontrol is my ass

  20. DS

    She has a killer bod, but a face of a horse.





  23. Great ass, but super harsh manly face. (Jessica, not Justin, btw.) But maybe they ARE compatible – it’s difficult to maintain an erection if the girl with the strapon is very soft and feminine. I hear.

  24. Justin could do so much better. Jessica is so boring.

  25. goody goody

    if she suit him i’m ok

  26. Ted Mosby

    So he is getting married to tap the ass?

  27. ball buster

    I never thought Jessica was hot. Furthermore, JT is NOT hot. He’s a rodent. They should be very happy together. Cameron “Joker Face” Diaz must be so pissed, she got passed up for Mr. Ed.

  28. Jessica

    I still want him and Britney together.. or at least him and Cameron for a second choice! Do you think Cameron and Justin would be together if she wasn’t anti-marriage?

  29. Jessica

    Britney, in her prime before the kids and depression, and Cameron, are both WAY hotter than Jessi Biel. And they both have adorable and lovable personalities (again – before babies & depression with Britney). Jessica Biel’s attractiveness is just a result of working can see how naturally huge she would be and will be when she stops. Ya gotta think of what they’ll look like when they’re 40! And if their personality will make up for it enough to want to be married to them. Biel’s is non existent!

  30. ball buster

    #15 you better believe it goes both ways. Guys are just a piece of meat – and hot guys are the worst in bed.

  31. Anonymous


    I wanna have some beers with you. You definitely know what you’re talking about.

  32. Jessica Wears The Pants

    Jessica Biel is pretty damn good looking, but she must be “butch” to go for this fairy boy Justin. She couldn’t deal with a real man like Derek Jeter, who no doubt was the only person in that relationship who inserted anything into the other person. But Justin surely loves getting fingered and boned in the ass. Jessica definitely wears the pants in that reltationship.

  33. feararewishes


    No, it doesn’t go both ways.

    That is because most (NOT ALL) women are interested in men for three reasons:

    1) A meal ticket

    2) The want babies and think that they need a man around for “family and guidance” and other bullshit like that.

    3) See rule #1

    Women don’t care who they fuck. I know, because I have fucked hundreds of ‘em and I wouldn’t give myself the time of day.

    Thank you.

  34. Jessica

    Fearsarewishes – I think what you are saying is sad but true. =( But I do think it goes both ways to a lesser extent, dependent on the female As a female in love and with the same guy for 3 years now, I feel less and less interested in having the sex him with and more interested in a night on the couch watching House together.

  35. darya

    #33 You’re absolutely fucking right. And that is how it should be, because if we didn’t care about money then your offspring would be dying on the streets. So fucking grow a pair and go reconcile with your mom because you obviously had issues with her you whiny bastard.

  36. Jessica

    Holy crap. I meant #15 was correct, NOT comment # 33 by the same dude. I do not feel this way at all – and hopefully not MOST females feel that way, as that is pretty embarrassing to my gender. OR..I am just exceptional.

  37. fearsarewishes


    You stupid cunt, most people are aware of how children come to be.

    Don’t have any if you can’t pay for them yourself and don’t rely on some guy to pay for the ones you were too selfish to have on your own.

    And Sweetie, I’m not whining. All I said was fucking the same piece of ass day in and day out gets old.

    Relax–it’ll be the first of the month soon and yo’ check be in the box, yo!

  38. ball buster

    #37 Oh shut up fearsarewishes. You’re just another male slut. You think you have all woman figured out. Hate to break it to you brainless, but not all women are out for a meal ticket or to have kids. A lot of us make our own money these days and believe it or not, a lot of us now make more money than men! Can you handle that? Let me guess – you’re in construction. LOL

    Regarding kids:
    Here’s what you said “don’t have any if you can’t pay for them yourself” what an ignorant comment – considering it takes two to make a baby! What a poor excuse you are. That’s seriously one of the most stupidest things I’ve ever heard a guy utter. Where the hell have you been hanging out?

    Go back to your rock and keep jacking off because you’re so sick of the “same piece of ass”…this coming from a tool who said he wouldn’t give himself the time of day. What a loser!

  39. feararewishes


    More than 50% of marriages end in divorce and it’s mom left holding the bag when daddy stops paying his half. And you think I’m stupid for saying not to have kids if you can’t pay for them yourself? That sort of logic make me question if you have the wits to command an income that could pay for children.

    I did make it clear that many, not all, women fall ito your category. Perhaps, it is poor reading comprehension that is holding back your career.

    By the way, construction work pays better than waitress and has paid for many an Ivy League education. If you had my money, you could burn yours.

    And no, I am not in construction.

    Thanks for playing. BTW–in case you were not informed–I do hope that you learn to not take anything you read on this site seriously.

  40. britney's weave

    come on now, The Sun? that rag is full of shit.

    biel’s a horseyface. yes, i typed “horsey.”

  41. Anonymous

    The think the truth has blindsided darya like a motherfucker, and she ain’t likin’ it too much.

    Go cry to your Daddy, darya. He’ll wipe away your tears.

  42. ball buster

    #39 so let me get this straight: You say moms are left holding the bag because the dad deserts them. In your world, women should expect this from the get-go and make sure they make enough to cover when the man leaves? The man leaves and doesn’t take any responsibility for his children, but the women are SELFISH for having had them in the first place. WOW. Nice to know you have loyalty to your gender. You pretty much proved how useless you men are.

    Sorry, I’m not a waitress. And my career is doing fine. You have no clue what I do for a living or how much money I have. It’s okay, keep telling yourself “you’re the man!”

    This is fun. Thanks for the entertainment.

  43. Anonymous

    Face it ladies,

    feararewishes is hitting the nail right on the head. A women’s first love is money. Deny it all you want, spit all the venom you can, but you know it’s true. You just hate to admit it.

  44. common sense

    #43 – are you a woman? how do you really know? Please.

    Getting back to the topic at hand…congrats to JT and JB!

  45. fearsarewishes

    Exactly. Now you understand.

    However, this bit about being “loyal to my gender” and proving how “useless you men are” does tell us all we need to know about your insight and judgement regarding the concept of humans as individuals.

    Substitute “men” for “coons” and things will go well for you at your next Klan meeting.

    If this is the best you can do, then I am through with you. By the way, the guy that is fucking you now is bored to tears and considers it a chore.

    Thank you!

  46. ball buster

    LOL! Riiiiight….As if you knew.

    Klan huh? That’s a new one, considering I’m not white! You’re really reaching there. That’s what simple minds do.

    Goodbye! Say hello to your dad – you know the one that abandoned you when you were little so your “selfish slut” mom could hold the bag. He really taught you well.

  47. grace

    I always tried to ask all things about about this person.
    People say it is a member of a celeb club
    *** c e l e b m i n g l e . c o m ***
    I came there and met my rich bf.
    It’s a place to meet the rich/celebrity.

  48. Anonymous

    PLEASE common sense:

    If you disagree about money being a woman’s first love…….you’re LYING through your teeth. A woman will take a wealthy asshole over a moderately successful nice guy any day of the week. Stop denying it and face the facts.

  49. feararewishes

    a dick is my first love. okay, I’m admitting it. I’m really a woman but had so much fun fighting with you all!

  50. a real man

    come on, ball buster is right. It’s absolutely foolish to suggest women should have kids and raise them alone because” the man will leave”. And somehow that behaviour is okay? Really, you call yourself a man? You’re an embarrassement to the rest of us.

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