Jessica Biel is nothing more than a pawn

April 23rd, 2009 // 45 Comments

In case you guys haven’t heard the most pressing news of the day, Justin Timberlake totally kissed Jessica Biel at the Lakers game the other night. No, really, Jenny Slater told me in science class and I wrote it on my Trapper Keeper. OK! Magazine reports:

On last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, JT admits his reasoning behind his huge display of PDA at the Lakers game Tuesday night was more about pride than romance.
“I have to clarify that one. We’re not that much of exhibitionists in front of 18,000 people,” he says. “They do the ‘kiss me’ cam, and they were playing Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe,” and we were watching all these kind of elderly people kiss, and it got kind of weird there for awhile, I’m not gonna lie; but it was endearing. And then they cut to Dustin Hoffman and his wife, and he planted an open-mouth kiss on her and it was kind of award-winning in its own way. And then they cut to us and I was not to be outdone. So, yeah. So I mounted my girlfriend in front of 18,000 people.”

Oh, I get it. You mount Jessica Biel to show off in front of a basketball stadium full of people, not for romantic reasons like you’re bombed out on Budweiser and it’s your birthday. See, ladies? All the money in the world can’t teach you how to love. Which is exactly why I let you pay when we go out on dates. I’m broke because I care. *tear*

Photos: Getty
superficial

  1. confused

    A beautiful woman on The Superficial? There must be some mistake!

  2. Dr. Nappy

    Who cares?

  3. Deacon Jones

    …..Trapper Keeper
    MEMORIES, in the corner of my miiiiind…..

  4. Grafikman

    So who’s that tasty blonde piece that got cut off in the second pic?

  5. Justin is hot. He could do way better if he played for the other team

  6. ye

    FUG. both of them.

  7. BoOm BOom

    @5 Sarah Jessica Parker.

  8. J.D.

    @8->5 no it’s not.

    And did anyone else catch the Grosse Pointe Blank reference with “Jenny Slater”?

  9. So Sad

    They are both beautiful people…..good luck to them both!!!! No matter what the future holds.

  10. The Real anthonyOA

    i’d hit them both with my wang. that’s right.

  11. e-rock

    Wow, she makes me feel better about myself when she is not wearing makeup. hahahaha. she needs some mascara, pronto!! but then again, he’s not so hot either, so I guess they are a great match! as long as she stays away from Gerard Butler, all is cool. Jennifer Aniston on the other hand… she better sleep with one eye open. ;o*

  12. SoTe

    I love justin but pic 6 it’s soooo geeky! hahah He looks like a dork.
    He turned red after he kissed her, is he seriously sooo shy? C’mon! I’ll slap the shyness out of him in two seconds.

  13. ph7

    I bet her snatch is tighter than a snare drum. She looks good and works hard on keeping her body tight. Her devotion to crafting her body to be the perfect sperm receptacle should serve as an inspiration to all young women.

  14. hacksaw

    Go back to sleep dude.

  15. Andy

    It was a lovely bearded moment for both of them.

  16. Men on Film

    He was able to do it only by visualizing all the sweaty muscular mens.

  17. mafme

    Hey, Jenny Slater.
    Hey, Jenny Slater.
    Hey, Jenny Slater.

  18. IRON TWAT

    She’s a pawn and he totally kinged her.

  19. Paul Spericki

    It;s me… Paul. Paul Spericki? We had like 11 classes together…

  20. PunkA

    She is hands down 100% grissle free HOTNESS. I love her. And JT is the man for mounting her in front of 18,000 and/or in private. Can you blame him? Biel is gorgeous.

  21. Sammy Davis Jr.

    what in the hell? TImba is like trying to bust on my groove man. Except he is white and has a foxier lady. But homey has the same nose and glasses as me baby, his riff is sweet. Bet ge tries t osing like me nexy to.

  22. Randal

    This is what happens when two giant stars collide, the whole universe wants to know about it! Justin made the right move to help spark up his career and Jessica is just the right woman to help him do it too. Congratulations on the warmth you feel for each other.

    Randal

  23. Shawn

    Any man who needs a reason to mount Jessica Biel should turn in his penis.

  24. gobo

    She has a reputation of being a social climber. She’s using him.

  25. mikeock

    When did she start dating Woody Allen?

  26. Jenny Slater

    I thought I was the only one who noticed the Grosse Pointe Blank reference! I immediately lost my shit and decided to beg the Superficial Writer for his hand in marriage. And by “hand” I mean “laser-shooting dong”.

  27. Galtacticus

    When they pose like this then there must be something terribly wrong!

  28. Darth

    Yeah,we know he even doesn’t like beer.

  29. Gando

    Maybe he’s drinking a Cincinnati?

  30. Rhialto

    Oh well,i’m going to send one of my Master Spies to find out whether he likes beer or cincinnati.

  31. Pablo Rodriguez

    Has anyone noticed the cross eyed fence hopper in the last pic? Funny shit.

  32. Britney's Weave

    ^^^ FENCE HOPPER? omg youre such a racist. haha

  33. Miss Brown Eyes

    Fish, I like yas n all, but can tell you’re a post 80s kid.

    “I wrote it on my Trapper Keeper. ”

    Dude, you write in the TK, not ON it.

    Get your facts straight… Quit trying to change history with your irresponsible media reporting…

  34. 1moreidiotintheworld

    She will fuck just about anything……

  35. Susan Smirn

    I like her because she doesn’t wear makeup & dresses like I do.

  36. “Justin Timberlake totally kissed Jessica Biel ”
    She has my condolences.

  37. It’s his goal to ACT, LOOK & BEHAVE LIKE A FAGGOT, folks?

  38. mikeock

    Whenever I feel bad about myself, I just close my eyes and imagine hot female celebrities with a palate of my sticky, gooey manlove all over their lips and it brings a smile to my face. Works every time.

    Jessica Biel? Right now, her face looks like a glazed donut.

  39. jOcko

    Luckiest. Gay. Dude. Ever.

  40. trapper keeper

    trapper keeper… lol

  41. smarg

    He is one ugly motherfucking white boy to have made it so far.

    I mean, WTF??? HOW??

  42. All I’m saying is that she is one lucky woman.

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  44. I bet her tight snatch with a snare drum. He looks great and works hard at keeping the body fit. His devotion to crafting the perfect sperm her body for all young women should serve as an inspiration is the receptacle.

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