Jessica and Ashlee Simpson at MTV Australia Video Music Awards

April 12th, 2006 // 150 Comments

When did Ashlee Simpson start looking so much better than her older sister Jessica? And more importantly, when did Jessica Simpson transform into a stubby mole creature with no neck? I’m pretty sure I used to think she was attractive, but now I just want to feed her carrots through some cage bars.



  1. al rarow

    Newsflash: Ashlee has *always* been hotter than Jessica.

  2. KitKat

    Newsflash! Ashlee used to have boobs, and now they have disappeared too, along with her nose. Thats what happens when your skin just hangs on your bones!

  3. mamacita


    OK, I don’t really have anything to say, but I just wanted to say “newsflash”, so I too can be cool.

  4. innit

    I feel cool :D

  5. innit

    BTW KitKat, news flash, her skin isn’t hanging on her bones, though it may seem that way to people who are used to looking like the Michelin man

  6. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Newsflash! A suicide bomber killed 11 civilians today in Beirut… Oh, sorry. That was real news. Oops.

  7. KitKat

    BTW innit, if having a 30 inch waist like I have makes me the Michelin Man, then stop being jealous!

  8. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    30 inches is fat. You need to go throw up whatever you just ate right now you fat obese person.

  9. innit

    Jealous of what? The 30 inch waist, or looking like the Michelin man? *genuinely confused*

  10. Shelley Bonnechance

    That is a truly dreadful picture of both of them.

    The last time I saw Ashely, she was wearing long, stringy black hair that looked like a Cry for Help mutely protesting from the top of her head. I didn’t even recognize her as a blonde. It seems she’s become acquainted with the concept of shampoo.

    And Jessica, with the little dress that your mom would wear with a white sweater draped over the shoulders so that the sleeves dangle and maybe carry a little straw bag with blue and purple grapes on it, and her hair in her face and the sheepish smile…not such a great look for one who is ordinarily very pretty.

  11. biatcho

    she looks like one of those bobble head dolls except more plastic-like.

    And she has chubby wrists & man hands. Look at that right arm!

  12. KitKat

    Oh please! You bitches need to get over yourselves. And stop throwing stones, when you live in a glass house!

  13. biatcho

    You need to get the fuck off this site if you don’t have anything mean to say.

  14. innit

    KitKat will be happy if we throw donuts instead

  15. boogaloo

    wait, who is in the glass house? when you put down the twinkie, let me know.

  16. **Bob**

    #74 -get a life

  17. mamacita


    Don’t you think I would if I could? *sob* Seriously, I think it’s funny when someone reads something I said and tells me to get a life, but they had enough of a life void to read what I wrote and then comment on it. Irony is this year’s pink.

  18. innit

    Mamacita, Bob just brought my attention to your post #74 and I think I may have figured out the MeganHarris conundrum: There are loads of internet psychos who create bizarre identities as some form of escapism, and they are always really rich and/or have huge perfect boobs

  19. mamacita

    Well, my boobs are GIGANTIC and I’m so rich, I wipe my ass with cashmere. How come I don’t have one these “bizarre identities”?

  20. juicylips

    Follow this link and see how pretty Katie Holmes was before she was impregnated by that cock taster Tom.

  21. lebowski

    I’m actually Alessadra Ambrosio, but sometimes I need to escape from my trying life as a swimsuit model.

    And dude, 30 inches is like, the size of Drew Carrey’s waist.

  22. The Devil

    Both are hot, you losers need to get off the snacks and onto the treadmill. On second thought, just get fatter and die. For every fat chick that dies, two skinny girls can take her place.

  23. wow, i didn’t realize the inter-commentary drama regarding my identity. I’m a chick, guys. Useless Things is not MY blog, i just support it. like it. have had a crush on Mateo for like 4 years. I feel so abused, so naked now.

  24. Jacq

    #123 – Time to call the boyfriend to bring you some clothes. Does he know about your crush on Mateo?

    Look, I’m not trying to stick-up for you or make a friend or anything but you have become somewhat of a celebrity around here. You should feel like a really cool social pariah.

  25. Trotter

    @123 Put your Cable-Guy uniform back on. You’re making the customers sick, dude.

  26. Iambananas

    I used to like Jessica… but she’s over exposed… never like the lip singer. She was just annoying… can anyone say coattails?

  27. Iambananas

    And Jessica should brush ehr hair when she wakes up before she goes out.

  28. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    #123 – Do you feel naked and abused? Or do you feel like Nazi Germany? Either one is pretty hot.

  29. Ashley looks like a Tranny. And Jessica has that “Just washed Daddys cum outta my hair” look.

  30. Escribo


    Hey, don’t insult Scottish Terriers! :)

  31. Marceelf

    Yes, Jessica and her huge butt-like man chin are totally overexposed. But I don’t worry, because she’ll always have “her daddy”. And everyone knows hypocritical ex-ministers turned talent agents and manager screw their daughter the best of all. Poor Nick could never match Joe Simpson in his daughter’s bedroom.

  32. whackjob

    I’ve never before wanted to go have sex with my wife’s drapes so badly. Or table cloth. Or the good napkins.

    Me like blond trolls in drapes.

  33. kitty_kat

    What??? Ashlee actually looks better in this picture. I always personally thought that while Jessica was unattractive, Ashlee was even uglier.

  34. diviine

    ashlee looks like britney murphy

  35. Jacq

    I hate when I feel like Nazi Germany, it burns when you pee. Someone please get me some Windex.
    Ashlee doesn’t look aneroxic, she FINALLY is starting to look as heinously coked-out thin as La Lohan. Is that her clavicle (the top rib bones, whatever, you know what I mean) sticking out? I had to re-read it when I saw that she HOSTED IT. WTF?
    Jessica looks like she would just reek of weed. The eye you can see looks a lit-tle droopy.

  36. Jacq

    Oh yeah, and 30 inches is TOTALLY huge. I would kill myself if I ever got that fat.

  37. Wild Rose

    I couldn’t believe Pamela Anderson was asked to host the Canadian Juno awards this year. Don’t know who made the worst choice–the Aussies or the Canucks!?!

  38. Larry

    “On side note, there was a lovely photo of Jessica and her father in one of the papers, and she was looking very summery, and he was looking at her tits.”

    My guess? Jessica’s father pleasures himself as much to his daughter as I do to the More Cowbell Girl, and let me tell you, that’s a lot.

  39. Dan

    I’m still afraid of their chins.

  40. night

    Don’t know why some people are criticizing Ash’s nose. I think that her nose gives her face character and makes her stand out of the celebrity crowd. A lot of women in celeb world thought they needed to have a tiny stubnose and ended all up looking the same…remember Jennifer Grey? When she had a nose job she was hardly recognizable and somehow her face lost that “certain something”… the same goes for her career…

  41. Ramblebrook

    She needs to put on a little weight and get her figure back. What kind of man wants to feel like he’s having sex with a 13 year old boy…. oh right, Tom Cruise.

  42. A Nobody

    Welcome to the suck.

  43. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    140 – Yeah, Ashlee’s nose makes her stand out in a crowd alright. It also makes a great handle when you need more “weave” than “bob” in your hummer.
    And when Jennifer Grey got a nose job, she was hardly recognizable because she could no longer play the doofy girl with the nose like Bert of Bert and Ernie. Those roles really let her talent shine.

  44. gogoboots

    Ugly dress! Blue and white wtf? Jess you can do better than that. Ashlee looks good, except I hate the blonde hair, she looks better in brown and less like she’s trying to look like her sister.

  45. single

    ok.. they both look like shit!!.. hmm someone give ashlee a sandwich.. thats just a bad picture of jess.. ashlee looks like a fucking toothpick and needs something to eat.

  46. single

    141… lmfao.. ahaha good one there buddy

  47. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Why is Ashlee styling her hair like Murphy Brown?

  48. Jacq

    #145 – Give her a sandwich? I hear Nicole Richie says that she eats sandwiches. They must be Wish Sandwiches. As in, I Wish I could eat that sandwich.

  49. xd

    well she got really fat… and I don’t know, there’s something about Jessica Simpson that she always looks like she tries too hard to be pretty and hot… and that is NOT a good thing, it really shows and it’s like she always gets halfway there. She looked good on Dukes of Hazzard… I don’t think she’s ugly, she’s cute, but she ain’t great thing. That picture though, is disgusting. She looks terrible. Like a granny or a nun or I dunno… really scary.

  50. DaNiGuRl

    OMG!!!! It’s like Jess gets uglier Ash gets prettier! YES!!! May the deflation of jessica’s head begin! I’m happy for Ashlee. She was always the ugly duckling, even made a song about living in a shadow of her older sister, and look at her here. I hope she gets the last laugh!

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