Jessica Alba’s daughter looks exactly like a newborn baby (Holy CRAP!)

July 17th, 2008 // 80 Comments

Jessica Alba and her month-old daughter Honor Marie Warren currently grace the cover of the latest issue of OK! Magazine. Check out the details of her birthing process which is probably the biggest pile of fake I’ve ever read in my life. Next to that time I looked at Heidi Montag’s face:

“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. “It was really Zen.” And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”
The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. “The labor was more like meditation,” she says. “I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”

Can someone explain to me why the hell these gossip mags feel the need to make child birth sound like a fairy tale? “I simply passed a soft gentle pillow out of my vagina – and then a rainbow appeared!” Jesus. First off, any housewife worth her weight in delicious sandwich, knows this is bullshit. Second, I’ve seen child birth before (through a peephole), and it’s not magic princess time. There’s mostly a lot of screaming and yelling followed by a stethoscope jammed in my eye when I’m discovered. So, tabloid industry, why don’t you write about that for once?

NOTE: I’m available for pictures.

Photos: OK! Magazine
superficial

  1. O-M-G

    Her “natural birth?” So she gave birth vaginally, KNOWING she has the HERP??! What a SELFISH coont. I will never. EVER. Watch another movie with her in it.

  2. Grunion

    Why not just name the kid “beat me up at recess” and be done with it.

  3. Lipper

    Alba:
    Oh my, I just had this tingling sensation! Oh! I have some sweat on my brow, will you pat it for me honey? Oh my! I need to toot! Oh wait. That’s the baby coming. ALL done. Whew. Can I have a beer now?

    *stands and gives standing ovation to the biggest twat ever*

    Kiss my ass Alba. Too bad the mother is a fuck wad. Baby is adorable though.

    .. and Randall you are an idiot. But you amuse me much.

  4. Naming your kid “Honor” is a sure shot way of giving them a one way ticket to Stripperpoleville.

  5. A

    Natural childbirth and no screaming? I find that hard to believe. What the fuck does that prove?

  6. Not Surprised

    #55

    That her vagina is huge and loose.

  7. Been There

    I believe it! I have been there. I will tell you, for 14 hours, I was concentrating on only one thing, and didn’t make a sound. There was more yelling and excitement from the hospital staff then there was from me. (My son was coming quicker than they thought he would). As for the “vagina is huge and loose” comment, I can say that mine was neither! LOL! I did have one dimeral (sp?) shot 2 hours before he was born, but that was it! I could feel every bit, but like one other person said….every woman and birth is different. If you concentrate and breathe….it really helps!

  8. Uncle Eccoli

    @49 Ever seen Idiocracy?

    I agree with all the natural childbirth heads. Women who take the drugs are fucking pathetic cowards. Why don’t you just hire a surrogate mother, for fuck’s sake? These are the same women who bitch endlessly, “Oh it’s so hard being pregnant. Worship me, treat me as though I’m doing something special that fucking monkeys don’t do every fucking day (without any drugs). I’d like to see a man have a baby, blah, blah.” What is it, the hormones? Demanding all this respect and consideration, “You’ll never know what it’s like,” and then copping out with fucking drugs?!?! Give me a break. You want me to respect you and the ‘torture’ you have to endure to bear my child? No problem – just shut the fuck up and take it like a man.

  9. FCS

    This kid could grow up to cure cancer, win a nobel prize and shit gold nuggets and I still wouldn’t give a fuck.

  10. may I have your attention:
    Celebrity-FAKER-america destroyer NUMERO UNO is present with her ugly kid: FUCK YOU BOTH!!

  11. auntie eccoli

    wow. vile.

    “take it like a man”? how would a man take childbirth, exactly? just like your mom? – pop Douche Jr. out of his big mangina that got properly stretched after years of crosstraining with cheap hookers? how about we have someone kick you in the junk a dozen or so times, then cut up your crotch, and then dangle some drugs in front of you. you gonna take it like a man and say no to the drugs?

    so, i see you’ve clearly talked to some “fucking monkey” moms, and they told you that if they had to stretch as much as a woman does to birth a baby, that they wouldn’t take the drugs. damn, and here i was thinking human moms could live up to your idiot conception of the rest of the natural world. and now i’m so disappointed.

    when your sperm makes it somewhere other than your pants and some poor woman allows you to bring the world down a notch by releasing one of your offspring, and you watch a full size newborn sexist douchebag come out of what used to be a really small fucking hole, THEN we’ll crown you fucking childbirth expert.

    better yet, how about you shit a baby? think that’ll feel pretty good? what do YOU do that makes you deserve any respect?

  12. Uncle Eccoli

    @61

    Boo-fucking-hoo. It’s no surprise to have you come back, being that you’re fucking exactly who I’m talking about. You think the (remote) possibility that it would shut you up wouldn’t be incentive enough for me to shit out a fucking luxury sedan without making a peep or taking any drugs?

    It’s very telling that you are so easily provoked on this issue. I thought childbirth was supposed to be beautiful – your gender’s claim to fame and worth. Well? Is it or not? What, you get to pick and choose which aspects of the process define the experience? And even beyond that, YOU get to tell ME what is and is not an acceptable perspective on the whole thing? Who the fuck are you? You’re just another mewling, terrified double-standard bearer who can’t cash the cheques her twat writes out.

    I suspect you ARE right about one thing, though – my mother was probably so full of drugs when she dropped me out that she didn’t know which way was up. She’s just as full of shit as you are.

  13. auntie eccoli

    @62

    yeah? a sedan? let’s see it and i will shut up. go on and keep talking like you’d shit a car to silence my opinion, ‘cos it seriously helps your case that i’m somehow trying to silence yours.

    who got on this blog and started yowling about how women should shut up about the pain of childbirth? i don’t care what you think about it – whether it’s painful or beautiful, just don’t (as a dude, no less) tell women whose opinion it is that it freaking hurts to “shut the fuck up and take it like a man.”

    hahaha… take childbirth “like a man” … awesome.

  14. Erica

    What an UGLY baby.

  15. nina

    pushing a squirmy octopus out of your vageeg w/out making a grunt? bullshit!

  16. you stupid

    hey Uncle Eccoli, i bet you had some nice priest action up yours not so long ago- so that is why you are loose huh? mmm i smell an altar boy.

  17. name

    Uncle Eccoli, two words for you
    pink sock
    bet you had your fair share

  18. Yucko Da Clown

    Thats a fucking ugly baby, looks like a little man. And why did OK Magazine have to spike up its are to look hip?

  19. Yucko Da Clown

    Thats a fucking ugly baby, looks like a little man. And why did OK Magazine have to spike up its HAIR to look hip?

  20. Uncle Eccoli

    @63 That didn’t even make any sense. I didn’t say anything about the pain of childbirth – I said women who take drugs during childbirth are fucking pathetic cowards. Of course it hurts, that’s your lot. What pisses me off is women who expect to have some fucking badge of courage pinned to their chests after having fucking cheated by taking drugs.

    Let me put it very simply for you – Being a woman does not make you special. Having a baby does not make you special. Not the least little bit. Not at all.

    @66 I was not an altar boy, actually. I’m not even Christian.

    @67 I haven’t the faintest idea what that means.

    Why’d you use all those different names?

  21. Kendra

    It’s not that hard to believe she didn’t scream. Not everyone has the crazy insane labors like they show on TV. I had my son last September naturally and without an epidural and I never screamed or cried. My contractions weren’t that bad at all and he was born 4 hours after they started. Some of us get lucky lol. And the whole “wow I bet her cooter is loose as shit” comments whenever someone has a baby are sooo not even true. Everyone I know, including me, have actually ended up tighter :P

    The baby is cute though….

  22. pooola

    Jesus I wonder what kind of shit experiences Uncle Eccoli has had to make him so bitter! I was induced two months ago, I am allergic to most pain killers and so had a 12 hour labour with no pain relief.
    I am delighted with my baby and some aspects of labour are pleasant and interesting but mostly it was horiffic, I think after the fourth hour I couldn’t not roar through the contractions, all I remember is coming out with OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! and then apolagising for the noise as each contraction subsided. I don’t ever remember thinking it was my claim to fame or worth though???? It ended up being a c-section and it was indeed pretty revolting watching a teenie screaming human being surgicaly removed from my abdomen.
    Some women screamed in the labour ward, some women didn’t, I was walking the corridors doing yoga breathing until about 5 minutes before the doctor decided to section so I think all that shite about if you concentrate it’ll go easier is a load of wank, none of us are doctors, who the fuck knows why it’s hard for some and easy for others….. why are you even debating this I’m going outside

  23. cavawho

    @ 71: Eww. So did not have to know that.

  24. lambman

    this miserable bitch isn’t even talented enough to look happy in a picture with her own kid

  25. Hailie

    WOW! I don’t know why you so angry for her. How do you think must looking a baby in 1 month after birth ? I believe that when Honor Marie will grow up, she is will be beautiful like her mother.

  26. Maggie

    I had a natural first childbirth that was pretty idyllic, and I’m not a celebrity *or* have a loose vag. I’ve been with a lot of girls, and I’ve felt maybe one that was tighter. And she was a freak… not that I minded.

    So long as the baby doesn’t have some huge martian head or come out sideways, you just need to concentrate on relaxing while also using your muscles… which is easier for me, at least, when I’m not screaming like mad. If all you’re thinking about is how much it hurts, then I think you’d be more likely to be taking hours and screaming like a banshee.

  27. lavortiz157

    I’ve actually given birth (just recently) and she is right (and all of u are assholes to assume otherwise) but I was in complete meditation and I didn’t scream once while I was giving birth, its a mind over matter thing. So unless you had a baby popping outta your vagina, you can’t say that she’s lying cuz every woman is different and television exaggerates everything.

  28. lavortiz157

    I’ve actually given birth (just recently) and she is right (and all of u are assholes to assume otherwise) but I was in complete meditation and I didn’t scream once while I was giving birth, its a mind over matter thing. So unless you had a baby popping outta your vagina, you can’t say that she’s lying cuz every woman is different and television exaggerates everything.

  29. lavortiz157

    I’ve actually given birth (just recently) and she is right (and all of u are assholes to assume otherwise) but I was in complete meditation and I didn’t scream once while I was giving birth, its a mind over matter thing. So unless you had a baby popping outta your vagina, you can’t say that she’s lying cuz every woman is different and television exaggerates everything.

  30. arianni

    Its totally possible…when i had my daughter i had a fourth degree tear (which is like the worst) and i didnt scream or yell…in fact the dr kept encouraging it saying it would make my pushing more efficient, but i never screamed or yelled…i was in shock and pain, they kept talking about her not breathing, needless to say i cried but im a very intoverted person so i cried but didnt go all crazy sobbing…women think just because theyre having a baby they can play the damsel in distress and cry and yell just because, if your calm its not so bad…you have to focus, i did in a very painful situation and it turned out just fine.

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