Jessica Alba and her month-old daughter Honor Marie Warren currently grace the cover of the latest issue of OK! Magazine. Check out the details of her birthing process which is probably the biggest pile of fake I’ve ever read in my life. Next to that time I looked at Heidi Montag’s face:
“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. “It was really Zen.” And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”
The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. “The labor was more like meditation,” she says. “I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”
Can someone explain to me why the hell these gossip mags feel the need to make child birth sound like a fairy tale? “I simply passed a soft gentle pillow out of my vagina – and then a rainbow appeared!” Jesus. First off, any housewife worth her weight in delicious sandwich, knows this is bullshit. Second, I’ve seen child birth before (through a peephole), and it’s not magic princess time. There’s mostly a lot of screaming and yelling followed by a stethoscope jammed in my eye when I’m discovered. So, tabloid industry, why don’t you write about that for once?
NOTE: I’m available for pictures.
Kenny | July 17, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Balls.
silverdollar | July 17, 2008 at 4:50 pm
wow. seriously? what’s the point?
Sportsdvl | July 17, 2008 at 4:51 pm
What a crock of shit! Unless she was knocked unconscious she yelled during the birth. Of course, knowing she’s never gotten a job based on her acting ability maybe her cooch is big the kid just fell out.
Who the Hell buys these shit rag magazines anyways? It is you idiots that buy them that causes them to pay $1million for pics of the damn little kid.
New Mom | July 17, 2008 at 4:54 pm
ExAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAActly.
New Mom | July 17, 2008 at 4:54 pm
ExAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAActly.
New Mom | July 17, 2008 at 4:54 pm
ExAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAActly.
kat | July 17, 2008 at 4:56 pm
fish – that write up was HIALRIOUS! best i’ve read in some time! good work!
nipolian | July 17, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I like the name “Honor” for a girl………In about 15-16 years she will be known as “Get Honor and Stay Honor.”
Randal | July 17, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Well, I for one believe it!
Not all women are the same. Some find giving birth an enjoyable experience, with little to no pain while others have certainly reasons to complain about it.
Jessica was simply very focused and Yoga will help not only the mind but also the body. Her level of concentration goes far deeper than you and I could ever know. It’s what has made her a star.
Congratulations on having a beautiful child Jessica.
Randal
Dr. Otto VanDerWahl | July 17, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Brown
Tasch | July 17, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Alba looks like one of those girls who model quinceanera dresses.
Sportsdvl | July 17, 2008 at 5:04 pm
After reading Randal’s post does anyone else imagine him in a basement somewhere with some poor chick trapped in a deep hole while he stands above her saying, “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or it get the hose again” just like in “Silence of the Lambs”?
The Geekologie Writer | July 17, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Holy shit, OK magazine is 50¢ cheaper than People!
Ted Kennedy's tumor | July 17, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Randal is pretty funny sometimes.
By the way, who would name thier kid Honor? Strike two (strike one is being born to an actress) for that poor kid. Next, get them into show biz and they are screwed for life.
Sportsdvl | July 17, 2008 at 5:13 pm
And Jessica Alba is 50 cents cheaper than Jessica Simpson….
silverdollar | July 17, 2008 at 5:15 pm
@ 11, hahahaha that was spot on.
rough daddy | July 17, 2008 at 5:16 pm
who cares….
Jimbo | July 17, 2008 at 5:16 pm
The only question people care about is: will her daughter have an even better ass than her mom? So hold off on buying that OK! magazine issue for another 18 years. Fine, who am I kidding…13-14 years.
LP | July 17, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I love your truth spin on the situation. Quiet my —! Another myth born. So glad I’m done having children. :)
Mark | July 17, 2008 at 5:27 pm
“worth her weight in delicious sandwich” – well done
LL | July 17, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I actually don’t mind the name “Honor.” I usually hate it when people name their kids after concepts. If more people chose names that reflected how the kid was actually conceived, there’d be a lot of little kids named “Mistake” or “Regret” or “One Night Stand” running around.
And I agree, sometimes Randal is fucking hilarious. Like in his latest comment. “Her level of concentration goes far deeper than you and I could ever know. It’s what has made her a star.”
Ha, ha! Good one, Randal!
JennyW | July 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Only pathetic women who are drug addicts scream and beg for drugs during childbirth. Natural is the best. I could never respect a woman who screamed while birthing a child. Weaklings.
havoc | July 17, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Eh, giving birth is no big deal.
How hard could it be?
.
fjhgksdfg | July 17, 2008 at 5:47 pm
So does natural birth mean no drugs?
yuppers | July 17, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Why is it that all the celeb babies all seem to pop out at once? What exactly is happening to the hormones around October?
“Oh look, the leaves are changing. Time to get knocked up!”
mrs.t | July 17, 2008 at 5:53 pm
With both kids, I did yoga breathing until the drugs kicked in.
britney's weave | July 17, 2008 at 6:13 pm
i had no idea alba was a scientologist.
oh, and since when is being a mom miraculous? doesn’t that shit happen every fucking day, like a thousand times?
crock | July 17, 2008 at 6:20 pm
There is no way she didn’t make a sound… you don’t have to be screaming to say “Holy Fucking Mother of God.” Which is exactly what every woman says while squeezing 7-10 pounds of flesh out of her body.
HA! | July 17, 2008 at 6:22 pm
JennyW (#22) shut your mouth. just because you’ve whored around and got knocked up and now your vaginas all stretched out to the size of a watermelon, you can say that stupid shit. When I’m preggy, they’re gonna drug me up so I can actually ENJOY myself.
Dr. Cornelia J. Dogbarker, PhD | July 17, 2008 at 6:36 pm
This stuck-up crack should move back to Mexico where she belongs. And take her ugly little brat with her. What an ugly baby….
s | July 17, 2008 at 6:40 pm
She kind of looks like that Natalie from girlicious in this picture
Kim Lardassian | July 17, 2008 at 6:42 pm
You what a Hollyweird celeb who did NOT have an elective caesarian 5 weeks early to save her body? I can’t believe it, those selfish superficial bitches ALL have elective early caesarians. Is Alba not a narcissitic cunt like Jolie and the rest??
Kim Lardassian | July 17, 2008 at 6:42 pm
You what a Hollyweird celeb who did NOT have an elective caesarian 5 weeks early to save her body? I can’t believe it, those selfish superficial bitches ALL have elective early caesarians. Is Alba not a narcissitic cunt like Jolie and the rest??
Uncle Eccoli | July 17, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Who gives a shit? Fuck that stupid bitch and her baby. I’d be delighted to never hear another word about Jessica Alba until something horrible happens to her.
Akka | July 17, 2008 at 6:54 pm
People are so brainwashed these days! it’s not only possible, but absolutely normal to give birth without screaming. I did it, a lot of my friends and clients did it, the natural way with no meds and no unnecessary interventions. If you don’t mess with the natural process, relax and trust your body, you will have an amazing experience.
And don’t get me started on elective c-sections. They just should not be an option because they severely hurt the baby in physical, developmental and emotional ways. The only time a woman should get cut open is when her life or her baby’s life is in peril. Cutting out your baby when it hasn’t finished developing just so you can have a nice body is selfish, cruel and disgusting.
amomwhodidnotscreamoryell | July 17, 2008 at 7:05 pm
whoever mistakenly believes that women cannot give birth naturally without yelling or screaming has watched too many hollywood movies where the lady giving birth is panting like an idiot and screaming like a jackass.
justmyopinion | July 17, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I agreed with #9, 35. I didn’t scream or yell at all and come on to not scream while you are giving birth that doesn’t mean you are different from others.
Some Girl on the Net | July 17, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Gah! It really chaps my ass when celebrities have to be so freaking perfect. I gave birth without screaming the first time. You see, I had this nifty epidural. I’ve also done childbirth without drugs, and you can bet your ass I screamed my fool head off. That shit hurt!
Sparqi | July 17, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Title of the article on the cover: “Brad and Angelina’s Beautiful Twins”
Takes me a full 15 seconds to realize they’re not talking about her chest.
Or are they?
Hmmm…..
Overused? | July 17, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Her hole must have been so huge and loose…
mamadough | July 17, 2008 at 7:40 pm
excellent when boiled with cabbage.
sgd | July 17, 2008 at 8:30 pm
hohoho,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,beautiful woman!!!!!!!!!!!!But I saw her profile on the celebrities/rich men seeking affairs site ???http://www.S u g a r d a d d y C o n n e c t. c o m??? last week………. It said she is interested in seeking a rich man for sugar daddy on that site! what a fool woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angela | July 17, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Yoga, uh? I’m sure all that pain, the blood, the people looking at her vagina and that screaming creature getting out of her was pretty zen. Me, I f i ever gave birth, i want to be punched in the head by a gorilla until it let me ko. You know, just in case drugs didn’t work.
Nicky | July 17, 2008 at 9:30 pm
So, all I can think is that this kid has GOT to get a nickname eventually. I don’t mean by the media, I mean by its family. So what do they call it? Honor… Honie… HONEY?! Yes, ‘Honey’, how ironic would that be?
Yackem | July 17, 2008 at 11:13 pm
“Here’s to honor! To getting honor, keeping honor, and not getting off her ’til you get off honor. If you can’t come in her, come on her! Here’s to honor!”
Lalala | July 18, 2008 at 12:12 am
These people need to watch TLC’s “A baby story” and then they’ll see what really happends during a natural birth, I still cannot believe womens bodies dont spontaneously combust from the pain…… I say drugs, drugs, drugs….
hausfrau | July 18, 2008 at 12:29 am
PRETENTIOUS BITCHFACE. FUCK OFF.
Kimberly | July 18, 2008 at 2:15 am
Jesus, she just said she didn’t scream; she didn’t say it felt good. Believe it or not there are a few noble ladies who actually don’t scream. A lot of white women feel the need to tear their lung chords while giving birth. Just shut up for 15 seconds as we try not to vomit at the site of a human coming out of your dilated vagina!!
caitie | July 18, 2008 at 2:16 am
#45 – LOL. Brilliant.
Honor is such a stupid pretentious name. If i ever met anyone named Honor i’d probably punch that person in the face out of spite for having such a ridiculous name.
Names like ‘hope’ and ‘faith’ and ‘charity’ – for fucks sake people are going to be naming their kids ‘awesome’ and ‘pretty’ and ‘intelligent’ if this madness doesn’t stop. Eh, who cares.
Hammad | July 18, 2008 at 5:49 am
i agree with u dont know why these people just make news like something unbelieveable happened. She gave birth and thats natural so they make anews like its……anyway the baby is really cute :)