Jessica Alba wants you to stare at her as long as you can

May 8th, 2008 // 66 Comments

Jessica Alba seems to be cuckoo for staring contests. So much so, that’s she willing to engage in them online. I included a video of her staring prowess after the jump which is either the most seductive and/or creepiest thing I’ve ever seen without my pants on. Anyway, who the hell competes in online staring contests? That’s just retarded. Unlike my newly launched Online Rock-Paper-Scissors competition. It’s easy to play and fun for the whole family! Simply pick your weapon and I’ve already lined up my predetermined responses. Let’s go!:

If you chose “Scissors,” The Superficial Writer chose “Rock.” Contemplate suicide.
If you chose “Paper,” The Superficial Writer chose “Scissors.” Holy crap, you have a vagina.
If you chose “Rock,” The Superficial Writer chose “TANK!” I AM THE L33T! And, also, your biological father.


Damn, that’s good fun. Thanks to Brandon who needs to blink, man, blink!

Photos: Splash News, Video:

  1. Captain Walleye

    She’s still fine.

  2. There are worse things to stare at..

  3. Terry

    She is going to sag big time walking around braless what a dumb shit!

  4. Nella

    Her boobs are HUGE.

  5. Sam

    If the kid gets tired of milk, there seems to be plenty of pus available on her chin.

  6. Come-Honor-Face

    She’s pretty good at staring, i blinked pretty quickly, on the plus side once you get done w/ the blinking contest, you could spend the next few hours motor-boating the shit out of those boobs… thems some big ones, very milky…mmmm

  7. restingonlaurels

    i see an elective c-section in her future.

  8. KYgentleman

    How come the writer always says “video after the jump” and I can never find the video?
    Where is this “After the jump”?

  9. granada

    She looks like Britney in these pictures.

  10. mike

    #9 – it’s “after the jump onto Jimbo’s back”. It’s an old expression that refers to how Jimbo’s cellmates used to combine TV viewing with sodomy.

    p.s. Don’t tell him your name refers to Kentucky or it’ll be a real buzzkill for him.

  11. Racer X

    Whoa! I’ll be in my masturbatorium.

    /that is all

  12. geets

    This is how much of a bitch she is – Cash Warren asked her if she’d ever give him a blowjob, she said “never” and then immediately went out and bought that Tootsie Pop.

  13. Ted from LA

    I’d give my left nut to be that red tootsie pop.

  14. RENEE

    She looks like crap in these pics; I never saw what was so special about her in the first place (okay, aside from the great figure; but obviously thats gone). She always just looked like your average, decent looking hispanic girl to me. I just saw a girl last week in Vegas on my vacation that looked exactly like her walking along the Vegas strip, and no one gave her the time of day or looked twice, etc. Except me, obviously,because I couldn’t believe how much she looked like Alba; if it wasn’t for the fact the girl wasn’t preggo, I would have totally believed it was Alba.

  15. Me likey Alba

    God she is so damn beautiful. Even preggers I’d still tap that.

  16. Rick

    #14 – that’s probably her standard deal.

  17. Sasha

    3, Actually, it’s bras that make breasts sag… shocker I know. Without the natural up and down motion, the skin starts to lose firmness.

  18. hahahah

    wow she is sooooo ugly and fat!!!

  19. hahahah

    wow she is sooooo ugly and fat!!!

  20. hahahah

    wow she is sooooo ugly and fat!!!

  21. mer

    I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there’s no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors actually, why can’t paper do this to people?

    Why aren’t sheets of A4 ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class?

    I’ll tell you why. Paper can’t beat anybody.

    When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then, when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

  22. Is it wrong that I sat through the entire thing intently?

  23. holy moly

    LMAO #5
    Yeah, what a stupid beaner cunt.

    vapid too.

  24. nyarkum

    She looks like a monkey

  25. #22 Hehehheheehe, that made me gstm!!

  26. Randal

    Loving the Ukraine pattern in her dress.

    Congratulations to you Jessica, you’re a beautiful woman who will have just as beautiful children. All the best to you and your family.


  27. vbaby82

    anyone know what kind of sunglasses she is wearing? I love them

  28. Guest

    I think it’s a girl.

  29. Guest

    I think it’s a girl.

  30. louis

    what is the name of the song that is playing?

  31. louis

    what is the name of the song that is playing?

  32. louis

    what is the name of the song that is playing?

  33. What Can A Bimbo Do?

    What do you expect from Jessica Alba? Chess contest?

  34. I've been to the Nut House

    She looks just like Britney when Brit was really cuckoo last month.

  35. Lulu

    #22 – you just made me laugh more than I can ever remember – keep up the stong work with your postings!!!! Thank you cuz this has been a crappy week and you made me smile and almost piss my pants!

  36. TREE is a spamming asshole

    Give it a fucking rest “TREE”. At least be more creative in your oh-so-slick spam that you think have people going,”Gee, is she REALLY dating a billionaire???. I think I will go to that site and check it out.” The funny part is every time you spam you say the chick is dating a BILLIONAIRE like billionaires are a dime a dozen. So far according to you there must be a least a 1000 billionaires using a dating site. Retard.

  37. Your just as dumb as Alba

    “What do you expect from Jessica Alba? Chess contest?”

    A Chess contest? Uh, that would be called a Chess match. Just because the only competition you were ever in was a wet T-shirt CONTEST doesn’t mean when two people compete in a game of strategy and wits it is automatically dubbed a contest. Bimbo.

  38. vero

    i think her glasses are gucci

  39. kitty_kat

    Whoa! She has horrible skin… I agree with #15. I never got the fuss.

  40. djar

    The Song is Tribulations by the LCD Soundsystem.

    Everybody makes mistakes
    but i feel alright when i come undone
    you are not making me wait
    but it seems alright as long as something’s happening
    i try to make you late
    but you fighting me off like a fire does
    you try making me wait
    but it feels alright as long as something’s happening

    get your payments from the nation
    for your trials and tribulations

    you try to make me wait
    you come around when it’s come undone
    everybody makes you late
    and it’s never you because you’re always thinking
    i try making you wait
    and give you me some like you give it good
    everybody makes mistakes
    but it seems it’s mine that always keep on stinging

    get your payments from the nation
    for your trials and tribulations

    you try making me wait
    but you come undone when you come undone
    everybody makes mistakes
    but it’s always mine that seem to keep on sticking

    get your payments from the nation
    for your trials and tribulations

    You’re Welcome.

  41. kitty_kat

    Well, actually, she just needs some Proactive for her chin, it seems…

  42. The Adam Bomb

    Now who actually own’s that cd?


  43. And I Thought Alba Was Dumb


    My dear imbecile, I am sincerely sorry that your IQ is even lower than Alba’s: that “contest” following “chest”, sweetie, was simply to emphasize “comparison and contrast”, something that no one will expect from anyone with your so-called intelligence.

    And I’m sorry that you are so dumb, not to mention an expectedly unimaginative conformer, that the “wittiest” thing you could come up with the word “contest” was “wet t-shirt contest.”

    Just a friendly advice, sweetheart, next time, before you criticize someone’s writing, first learn when to use “your” and “you’re.”

  44. louis

    THANKS DJAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  45. MMnight

    She was quite plump… btw, she looks funny, guys like a naturally fit, young, confident woman, not a freak like her… my brother, a handsome guy at said.

  46. Garbo

    That was pretty easy, wasn’t it?

  47. poot

    that was really silly. cute.

  48. Kim Lard-ass-ian

    She looks gorgeous and natural! Way to go Girl!

  49. Kim Lard-ass-ian

    She looks gorgeous and natural! Way to go Girl!

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