Jessica Alba tired of sexiness

March 27th, 2006 // 74 Comments

jessica_alba_unsexy.jpgJessica Alba is sick of playing sex kittens on screen, and would love to star in a romantic comedy. She explains:

“I’ll leave the slutty girl to other people and I’ll play the sweet, moral girlfriend who believes in love – roles that are more interesting than playing a vixen. That’s where I want to go next – a romantic comedy or something like that.”

There’s something Jessica doesn’t grasp here – which is fine, because it’s not like it takes a PhD to cook breakfast in a bikini (though if she burns the toast again, I swear to God…) What she doesn’t grasp is that romantic comedies are for pretty actresses with terrible bodies. Meg Ryan, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts are all very cute girls, and all about as sexually attractive as my microwave. Jessica is not one of them. Thank God.


  1. TaiTai

    Yeah, I know how she feels. That sexiness is a real burden for me, too.

  2. St.Minutia

    She has an awsomely hot bod, but Tom Cruise would not do her because he loves the cock.

  3. The photo. The comment. Oxymoronic. Yup.

  4. pixelbasic

    This just in…Jessica Alba to never work again.

  5. PapaHotNuts

    I don’t care what kind of role she plays- she could wear a fat suit covered in monkey hair while eating a puppy and molesting my children, if the bitch comes by my house, I’m gonna give her the best three minutes of her life.

  6. Jayne

    Maybe if she could act.
    Then I’d consider taking her seriously.


  7. Tracy

    Sexiness as a burden… that’s a good one. Next, she’ll be saying all the money she’s made off her sexiness is also a burden… not likely.

  8. katie

    she should count her blessings that shes hot bc its the only reason shes getting any work. its certainly not for her resume or her acting ability. once she loses her looks she will be done and over with.

    in terms of hotness, she doesnt remotely hold a candle to angelina jolie anyway. blah. just another curvy latina who cant act to save her life.

    and she looks like crap with blond hair

  9. Sheva

    This is old news no? But all is forgiven. What a picture!!
    Julia Roberts and Witherspoon, yuch.

    More Jessica, pleeez.

  10. What you don’t see are the shackles under those sheets, forcing her to play the role of sex kitten. “Nooooo, I don’t want to wear the blue bikini for Into the Blue! Don’t make me wear the catsuits for Fantastic Four! You are making me wear practically nothing in Sin City against my will! Noooooooo!”

    Choices, Jessica. Choices.

  11. krisdylee

    I’d hit it….

  12. BadassFred

    Reese Witherspoon and Julia Roberts might not be sex kittens but that doesn’t mean they have ‘terrible bodies’. Have you ever seen Legally Blonde?

  13. txb

    would someone give her a clue. as #6 said…maybe if she could act, she could choose movies to star in. saying she hates being eyecandy is saying she’s tried of being thought of hot. here’s an idea then, wear more clothes jessica and refuse to wear less.

  14. ifihadahifi

    When I was dating Jessica she would always complain to me about the same things. She also said she never liked anal, but even then I knew she wasn’t a good actor because she just never said it with any conviction. It just wasn’t believable, you know?

    Ok, I made that part up, she is a good actor.

  15. Sal Paradise

    the smartest thing to ever come out of her mouth was my cock.

  16. Megan

    Terrible bodies? That is beyond ridiculous. Last time I checked they were not anywhere near morbidly obese or anything. They just don’t throw their near naked bodies in your face as Jessica does so how would you really know anyways? pig.

  17. Italian Stallion

    Hey Jessica, does your butt hurt? No, do you want it too?

  18. mamacita


    Why didn’t you ask this instead

    “Jessica, do you have some Italian in you? No, well do you want to?”

    I agree with #12 and #16-Reese has a super nice body, beautiful face, and she’s got the acting chops. Unfortunately, Jessica Alba can only ever be a sex kitten because she has the acting range of a brick.

  19. ESQ

    Jessica will only do well in comedy only if she gets naked period

  20. ob1

    Damn Rob, you use that corny ass line on here too?

  21. boobtube

    careful what you wish for alba…

  22. SuperSpence

    I know how she feels. All my life I’ve been treated as nothing but a sex object by all the girls, as well as the creepy uncle who isn’t allowed to come to my house anymore. I blame my chiseled good looks and freakishly large genitalia. I say to the girls: “Hey, you know, I have feelings! I have a heart! I want romance! I want love! I want tenderness!” But all they want to do is get in my pants have have the hard, nasty sexual relations all night long.

    It’s the worst thing in the world.

  23. SuperSpence

    #16 MEGAN WROTE: Terrible bodies? That is beyond ridiculous. Last time I checked they were not anywhere near morbidly obese or anything. They just don’t throw their near naked bodies in your face as Jessica does so how would you really know anyways?

    REPLY: I think we’re just assuming that any actress who refuses to parade their moist, glistening nakedness in front of us every chance she gets probably has a body covered with canker sores and pus. That’s how it has worked in my experience. For years I tried to get Joan Rivers to take her clothes off for me, but she always refused. Then, when she finally gave in and did it, I really regretted the entire thing.

    LESSON: Chicks who don’t want to take their clothes off in public are probably very ugly underneath those clothes.

    That’s a bulletproof argument, people. End of discussion.

  24. Ms Crackalackin

    It’s so refreshing for such a role model as Jessica to stand up to the immorality so rampant in Hollywood. She never, ever flaunts her sexuality and never poses provocatively for Maxim and other like-minded publications. I just know that picture here is photoshopped, because the girl gots MORALS and would never act slutty while complaining about slutty movie roles. I mean, come on, that’s just stupid.

  25. SuperSpence

    When did “slut” become an insult? This is not the America I thought I knew. The terrorists have won.

  26. BoardBetty

    Clearly, she isn’t too bright. Anyone with half a brain who looked like that would realize they need to ride the wave!!! Capitalize on the looks! You only have them for so long. Earn all the money you can, honey. Market a doll or 10, make some perfume, clothes line, make-up, work out video.

  27. davina85

    she got rave reviews for the outfit she wore to present at the oscars but the whole time i was just wondering who the hell she had to blow to be invited there in the first place! not a fan… i’m telling you she’s never going to be useful unless you kill her and give her organs to people in need.

  28. SuperSpence

    #27 DAVINA WROTE: i’m telling you she’s never going to be useful unless you kill her and give her organs to people in need.

    REPLY: If ‘organs’ includes ‘sweater cows’ then you might be on to something. Those things must not be allowed to perish or grow old.

  29. playahater101

    She better watch what she says and not burn her bridges. Cause we’ve all seen her acting ability and sexiness is really all she has going for her. I’m sure she isn’t complaining about her sexy rolls when she gets her paychecks. I can see this backfiring for her and her not getting any roles at all. Then being cast for sexiness won’t look so bad. I wish someone would give me millions just for looking good. I sure as hell wouldn’t complain.

  30. M@ce

    PapaHotNuts…Three minutes? You mean in a row…who are you, effing superman? My personal best is 2:28 and that’s because my zipper got stuck for a minute and a half.

    Three minutes…what a showoff.

  31. asenath7766

    No denying the woman’s gorgeous (the bitch), but I find it very satisfying that she is probably jealous of Natalie Portman (who is gorgeous AND smart AND is bound to get the roles for acting instead of the roles for sex appeal). Life is hard for Jessica Alba (waaah!).

  32. People are NEVER satified doing what they are good at.

    Jim Carey wants to do Drama, Julia Roberts wants to do ANYTHING that isn’t a romantic comedy, and now Jessica Alba wants to play sweet and funny.
    My suggestion if you don’t want to get cast in sexy rolls Jessica is to stop letting gossip magazines photograph you in a bikini and put on about 30 pounds.

  33. playahater101

    #15, LOL!! Too funny.

    It’s hard to be so sexy and have every 11 year old boy masturbating to you in their bathroom. What am I saying??? Boys age 11-80 masturbate to you in their bathrooms. Maybe she’ll go the route of Britney and marry some loser, have a baby, and lose her career entirely.

  34. MystressJade

    I want to be that blanket/pillow that she laying on in the photo.

    Please…..please, please, pretty please.

  35. *Sigh* I, too, tire of my sexiness.

  36. it’s okay – i can still jerk off to anything she’s in.

  37. She really should stop being tired of sexiness. I mean everyone likes looking at her.

    With regard to her burning the toast, yea, nothing is worse than burnt toast. it is obnoxious!

  38. Walnuts


    Her airbrushing is exquisite.

  39. LoneWolf

    I for one hope she gets the lead in a few romantic comedies. They’ll tank, her career will take a nose dive, and she’ll end up in naked Playboy. Everybody wins.

  40. i hear Dame Judy Dench feels the same way…there is no justice in horneywood…

  41. Since when is morality more interesting than sluttiness? What planet does she live on?

  42. Captain Awesome

    Oh yeah, I’d eat her asshole.

  43. HughJorganthethird

    Relax Jessica your already the star of “HughJorgan’s Nocturnal Emmissions Theatre” What more could you want? An oscar?


  44. ob1

    That must be what they train all graduates of the Jessica Simpson School of Acting to say. Just shut-up and show dem titties, trick.

  45. CheekyChops

    My life is much the same. Its so hard being taken seriously when all I do is pose for nekkid and topless pictures.

  46. Jacq

    If only Sharon Stone would take a cue from Jessica. THEN we’d be onto something.

  47. Kelly

    Poor Jessica, all she has is looks that she flaunts, money she makes flaunting and all the dick she can suck. Other equal actors have to work hard, suck all the dick and get them placed in every open whole and get lots of loads all over the place. What a horrible life for her.

  48. Jayne

    #15 –the smartest thing to ever come out of her mouth was my cock.

    My boss adores you right now.

  49. gsprescueguy

    Too true #21, too true. Does J-Lo ring any bells? Queen of the stinkers.

    What does everyone mean that Jessica can’t act? I mean Honey was a veritable tour de force for the cinema. Sin City? What a performance!

    Jess, you’re hot, you’re beyond hot, you could walk on the sun hot. Your ass should get it’s own dressing room because it is so hot. Please just smile, show us your belly button, and shake your rump. Don’t be too serious just yet. Serious girls aren’t any fun.

    Hell, I don’t even know if you speak English because everytime you dance I loose my sense of hearing.

    When was Julia Roberts hot? Reese is hot.

    Jess, please just do what you do, be hot.

  50. lebowski

    Yeah, good one Jessica. Now shut up and put your ass in the air again and wave it around for everyone.

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