Jessica Alba pimps out her baby

July 10th, 2008 // 41 Comments

Realizing she has the acting skills of a ham sandwich, Jessica Alba has turned her vagina into an ATM by signing a $1.5 million photo deal with OK! Magazine, according to TMZ:

We’re hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other “event” — Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

Dear struggling actresses, models and reality TV stars,

If anyone of you are looking to cash in on the instant publicity and lucrative photo deals that come with birthing a child, I have a penis.
Just saying.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer

P.S. Please be hot and/or drive a beer truck made entirely of chicken wings.

Photos: Flynet
superficial

  1. Lyla

    FIRST

  2. Kim Lardassian

    Well shit I’d do it too if I could get someone to pay me for a few gorgeous photoshopped baby pics.

  3. sarah

    Agreed, Kim.

  4. Daniel

    She’s still hot as ever. And BIGGER BOOBS! HELL YEAH!@

  5. I like that guy’s shorts.

  6. jo smo

    #1 you win. 2,3 & 4 – agree #5 you’re a fag

  7. jo smo

    #1 you win. 2,3 & 4 – agree , #5 you’re a fag

  8. havoc

    Holy shit, the baby’s not in that brown bag is it?

    Because that would be awesome.

    .

  9. Richard McBeef

    she is a cock gobbler. did that baby come out her cooter-hole? it would suck to be born with herpes.

  10. Alba is hot, too bad ahe makes Jessica Simpson looks like a MENSA member when compared to Alba’s intellect.

    Also, the reason those stupid rags pay money for “baby photos” is because some idiots buy that shit. If you stopped buying those dumb ass magazines we’d stop seeing idiots like her and Angelina selling photos of their ugly little kids. the people who buy these rags are the same idiots that make shows like “Dancing with B-list celebs” #1.

    Actually #1 – you are a douche.

  11. Randal

    Damn!

    Check out those Raulph Lauren shorts, sewn and cut just below the knee along with those Ecco leather flip-flops. His watch could very well be a Hamilton Twilight.

    This woman loves her man and knows how to dress him for success.

    Randal

  12. Al Goldstein

    Cash looks like a man who needs to read Final Exit.

  13. A very tricky pregnant WHORE who is walking the streets with a GODDAMN FAGGOT on slippers!!

  14. A few of you endured one too many swirlies in high school

    What the hell is the matter with you people? Jesus, way to cut strangers down to make yourselves feel better. Also, I think Alba can act. I remember her TV show back in the day. I enjoyed it. She just has crappy taste in movies. It’s damn hard to give an in depth character portrayal in a fantastic 4 movie.

  15. Grunion

    #14 it’s a celebrity bashing site you moron, what the fuck do you expect people to be saying ?

  16. Tom

    Now that she’s had her kid, can she please get naked already? Fuck, she’s been teasing me for years now and I’m getting tired of it.

    I hope her next 3 movies bomb so I can FINALLY see her tits.

  17. just big

    Cash Warren has a big brown bag to go with his big wide nose

  18. 14.

    you can even remember the name of the show… She cant act for shit

    The only movies she take she can be in, are the ones wher she acts a fool and takes her clothes off

  19. I like his purse better..

  20. ToTellTheTruth

    Of course she finally “caved in”. Shit even she realizes that she isn’t shit when it comes to acting, and now that she’s spat out a crumb snatcher ( that wasen’t even planned)..she can make money off it thru selling crumb snatcher pics…

  21. Wouldn’t it be funny if her baby was totally ugly??

  22. sameshitdifferentyear

    Don’t insult ham sandwiches like that.

    Just check out how even-more-fine JAlba is now. Keep them titties if you can. Here’s a bag cover for ya:
    “BIG WHITE PEARL NECKLACE 3x A WEEK”.

  23. Actually #14, I don’t cut down strangers to make myself feel better. I cut them down when they are useless/talentless/douche bags who do deserve it. It doesn’t make me feel better. I only speak the truth, that shouldn’t make anyone feel better or worse. Now, might make ya laugh or might make you disagree, but it’s not done to make myself feel better. I feel great as it is thank you. Now please go back to delivering pizzas and realize that this is a celebrity bashing site and not the Goddamn Oprah show.

  24. pigkeeper31

    Sportsdvl – you are very entertaining, but find another word to call people you don’t agree with. Douche Bag is getting un-original.

  25. ph7

    Poor guy. Marry a female celebrity, and say goodbye to your balls forever.

  26. nina

    She’s already out and about w/out the baby. She didn’t waste no time finding a nanny, did she now?

  27. pooop

    Sportsdvl I love your posts you have the same distain for these loosers as I do.

  28. sammy

    Hey Cash, did you get your vagina waxed!?!?!

  29. Hannah T

    Ok, so I’m totally jealous of her, obviously. If she wants to put her baby in a magazine then she’s clearly a little desperate. But I’m still jealous.

    Ps. Also, does anyone know where her dress is from????

    I WANT IT.

  30. JimmyBachaFungool

    The way Cash’s arms are bent, holding that pinkish drink…how feminine is he?

  31. don

    Alba got herself a nice little “girlfriend” to go shopping with. He probably gets his nails done with her at the spa.

  32. kitty_kat

    She’s selling baby pics? Ummmm… Isn’t this the same chick who used to pretend that she hated the media? Whatever. They’re all the same in Hollywood.

  33. britney's weave

    love that dress.

  34. Are these photos post pregnancy?

  35. Nan

    So what? Angelina Jolie has whored out photos of her kids more times than any other celebrity! Why pick on Jessica? A lot of stars pimp out their kids photos – but Angelina pimps out her and her whole family and invents new opportunities for “photo ops” & “sit down chats” where she invents new stories which contradict earlier versions of the same tales.

  36. Nan

    So what? Angelina Jolie has whored out photos of her kids more times than any other celebrity! Why pick on Jessica? A lot of stars pimp out their kids photos – but Angelina pimps out her and her whole family and invents new opportunities for “photo ops” & “sit down chats” where she invents new stories which contradict earlier versions of the same tales.

  37. I Wonder Whose Brain The Kid Inherited

    #35

    Before you attack anyone, get your facts straight: ALL the money Angelina got for her kids’ pictures was donated to charity.

    Whereas Alba, being a bimbo with zero acting skills, just like the writer said, probably had no choice since she probably won’t survive long with her non existent talent. All the movies she last made bombed at the box office. Being Hispanic, the existence of her waist, which was not even obvious in the first place, probably won’t last long either after popping out a kid, unless she works out crazy hard.

    And talking about contradiction, again get your facts straight: Alba complained that people don’t respect her because of her roles, yet she still continued to accept mind-numbing ones. She also complained about people who were not careful about contraceptives, yet she got pregnant out of wedlock.

    Finally, learn how to click once, unless you’re as dumb as Alba.

  38. tc

    Proof, if it were needed, that no matter how gay you are, you can still get it up if the chick is as hot as Jessica Alba.

  39. Jeffer

    LoL/ She is really sexy!!! I have ever seen her hot video on the wealthy dating club R I C H L O V I N G.C O M for hot guys and girls to hook up for Hot Love and Sexy Dating. She is really sexy with bikini in that video.

  40. Suzanne

    OK… I know celebs like to keep their babies away from papa’s and actually there have been a few celebs that go out and about sheilding them or covering them from the papa’s to give the baby a somewhat private life…so with that said….
    CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY THIS LITTLE GIRL IS NEVER SEEN WITH HER CHILD?????????????????
    She has the baby and she is constantly photographed by herself…WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!!!…even more of a reason for me to dislike this mediocre actress

  41. Shotgun Wedding

    #38

    How do you know it was his kid? Cash needed to cover his gayness and since Alba could only get men to fuck her, but not commit, the two made a mutual deal.

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