While filming a special for MTV, Jessica Alba claims she had a monkey’s tongue inside her mouth.
“I’m shooting a special for MTV and they told me all I had to do was push my lips out a little and the monkey would give me a peck, but instead she rammed her tongue inside my mouth and swept it all around in a circle. She touched every inch in there. It was the most disgusting thing ever.”
Is it wrong that I find myself wanting to kill a monkey out of vengeful jealousy? Those little bastards really have it good, lying in trees all day throwing feces, and occasionally sticking their tongues in Jessica Alba’s mouth. I’ve tried the throwing feces thing, but until I get to make out with Jessica Alba I won’t be satisfied with my life as a human. And in other semi-related news, Jessica Alba has also told Observer Magazine that she’s sick of being typcast.
“The scripts I get are always for the whore, or the motorcycle chick in leather, or the horny maid. I get all these screenplays that start, ‘Tawnya is in the shower. The water streams down her naked perky breasts. I don’t think that is happening to Natalie Portman.”
That’s because Natalie Portman isn’t so insanely hot that men literally die when they see her in person. I don’t want to start any rumors, but this one time I saw Jessica Alba tap a guy on the shoulder to ask for directions and then his penis exploded because he couldn’t handle how hot she was. True story.