Jessica Alba is single

July 25th, 2007 // 260 Comments
jessica-alba-paris-candids-00.jpg

In what can only be described as THE GREATEST NEWS EVER, Jessica Alba has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years Cash Warren. Not only that, she did it while in a different country and over the phone. Us reports:

Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

That’s cold as hell, but this is Jessica Alba we’re talking about. She could’ve cut his testicles off with a chainsaw and she’d still qualify for some sort of humanitarian award. Besides, she’s single now, which means I’ve got more important things on my mind than worrying about little baby Warren. Like how I’m going to lure her into my basement so I can perform sexy experiments on her. Ha ha, I jest, I jest. But seriously, I’m gonna need to find some rope.

NOTE: You’d think giant space glasses would deter me, but no, not even Zombie Hitler himself could keep me from this woman. I think the evidence speaks for itself.

superficial

  1. take a close look at the pictures, children…not hot. repeat, freaky face, twisted nose. welcome to photoshop 101

  2. she can’t even fill out that dress. another angelina clone, soon to be madonna skin and bones pastey wasteoid. stop letting media direct your knob. find a real woman and grow some balls

  3. ciec

    Jessica is pretty woman She is OK
    http://uncovera.com

  4. kelliisafuckingasshole

    #195 kelli, you incredibly numb cunt, you deserve to get your ass reamed but good on the other threads for trolling other posters and then being so fucking stupid as to brag about it! Thought you were so fucking cute didn’t you? And when you saw no one thought you were clever you tried to weasel out of it by denying it all. Looks like you got caught with a massive attack of liarrhea – I can smell it from here.

  5. thedarktruth

    i think i love you LayDeeBug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  6. Lava

    All of you who are bitchin’ about her (eat myass, LayDeeBug, etc.) are obviously jealous of the attention she gets, though needless to say.
    She has a perfect face and body.
    I’d go lesbo for her.

    Also, those who say she’s cold, who are you to say that? You know nothing about them personally, just as any other celebrities on this site.

  7. #1hater

    those glasses make her look a little like Britney Spears……….

  8. melizaberry

    getting a warning from the fish… that’s rough

  9. woodhorse

    gay4girls: Jessica’s a babe so I definitely see the attraction but didn’t 50cent just make 400 million on a water deal? I suspect an attraction there…..

  10. melizaberry

    but completely justified.
    sucked in.

  11. metaphor

    And all this time I thought she was just a boring cunt. Turns out she’s a total cunt. She treats the guy like that after 2 1/2 years. She’s one cold bitch.

  12. gay4girls

    woodhorse: I haven’t been keeping tabs on 50cent. $400 mil on a water deal? I’m not sure about the validity of that . . . from what I understand Vitamin Water isn’t even quite in the double-figure million club for endorsements a la Nike, etc. I’m not always right about these things. Hmmmm.

    I’m not too impressed with 50′s body of work; he’s a little on the over-worn hip-hop cliche, Tupac wanna-be bandwagon for my taste. If, in fact, he and Jessica are going somewhere together that would make me question her taste a bit (I, for instance, could not really date a Tupac wanna-be), but doesn’t really sway me one way or the other. I wouldn’t really consider a deal breaker the way it was when Beyonce started dating Gay-Z or when Catherine Zeta Jones hooked up with flabby-ass. I have a doosh or two on my dating resume as well, so be it. I’ve had to play “clean-up” off a professional athlete (or two) so I can’t imagine it would be too difficult off a G-Eunich member.

    On the other hand I just read an interview with him and he seems okay.

    I guess whatever. Jessica and I don’t really go to the same parties anyway, so I doubt I’d be meeting her anytime soon.

  13. LayDeeBug

    204 Lava – pass the jelly cunt. If yer gonna cry over Jessica Blalba, go to another site (fucking amateur)

    You must be just like her cuz, unlike you and her, I don’t need attention. I love myself, and I’m genuinely happy. I just love to dis celebs like the rest of the assholes on this site, and I’m including myself in the assohole part.

    Keep it coming I can listen you insult me all day…Lalalalalala (whistles and twiddles thumbs, while kissing mirror)

  14. Pug Fugly

    She needs to get an ass and some tits NOW. Then she’d be attractive. Until then she’s just an 8 year old boy with no acting ability.

  15. LayDeeBug

    Lava, BTW I apologize, I thought you were telling me to eat YOUR ass (hahahah)

    I take back some of what I wrote. But she’s still a no talent albeit cute hack!!!

  16. OMG!!!!! It’s the next day and she’s STILL single?????
    Or do we just need a NEW POST??????

  17. Bite Me!

    FRIST!!!!!

  18. 202/ who R U anyway….? azhamed or what of YOUR ZCREENAME?

    Az Victorz lilttle dick pointed out….it waz hiz clever work..not mine..a=hole?

  19. How is she still single

    I think the fact that this is still the #1 headline IS big news…how the fuck is Jessica Alba still single?! I woulda figured that as soon as word got around, she’d have a fleet of male celebrities flying down to see her and try to convince her to start dating them!!! I’ve gotta believe that the next story is gonna be “Jessica Alba is no longer single”

  20. gay4girls

    Am I the only one who likes Krazihottkelli? She is like something from a futuristic dystopian film, but one I haven’t seen yet. Is she unique, or is she representative of what the kids are doing these days? Somebody inform me of something. She seems like some kind of new human to me, one that uses the rudimentary framework of conventional language to launch into some sort of meta-meaning that is too opaque to be conventionally recognized vis-a-vis traditional prosaic semantics. Am I nuts?

  21. Josh Simpson

    She’s hot, but those glasses need to go…along with the rest of those clothes. That dress is ugly. It all must come off.

  22. gotmilk?

    217, she probably THINKS there’s a fleet of males on their way to see her, but fact is, who wants to date someone who dumps someone the way she did. Frigid bitch!

    Plus, she’s so in love with herself, there’s no room to love another person.

  23. Bite Me!

    @218 Yes!

  24. susanist

    Oh so what! There’s some suggestion that Jessica is really a Thai post-op transsexual. since she’s such good friends with Eva Longeria, when the two of them are together you have the most over-rated Hollywood figures in the history of celebrity.

    Jessica’s not believable. She was not believable as the ‘Dark Angel’ with those toothpick arms. And whatever person is responsible for casting her as Sue Storm did so only because of those men with strong pedophile traits seem to love this boy so much. Elisha Cuthbert was born to play Sue Storm.

    Again, so what, the boy is single again. I wish people would get off of this BS about Jessica Alba being so hot!

  25. 218/ gay4girlz===I zaw zome of your nice commentz before?
    but I waz afraid to rezpond…I don’t truzt
    theze bitchez in here…by the way…not zure
    yet if I’m gay…men make me zick mozt
    of the time..juzt lookin at thoze fuckerz makez
    me want to zlap the zhit outta them…
    and my lazt boyfriend broke up with me coz
    he couldn’t get my cherry…ztill angry, but zmart?

  26. susanist

    Kate

    Are you out of your mind? Do you seriously know what a woman’s ass is? How can you and these others continuously hold that skinny almost boyish ass of Jessica Alba’s up as some sort of standard?

    Kim Kardashian’s Ass is World Class. She has eclipsed JLO, Beyonce and Vida Guerra in the space of one year! A woman’s ass should inspire the male and suggest fertility. Jessica doesn’t even look like she can get pregnant while Kim looks like an Armenian Fertility Goddess. You may want to look up the name ASTLIK. She’s the Armenian eguivalent of APHRODITE and Her name suggests exactly what Kim Kardashian’s ass represents.

    All of this antiKim BS is based on a pathological hatred of Paris Hilton that most of you are too dumb to know has been conditioned in you long before Paris Hilton was born.

    You have been taught to hate Paris from stories of the Trojan War, the Greeks vs,. Persia, the Pharisees vs. Christ and the BS that condemns France today.

    You hate Kim because she’s a friend of Paris. Still it has nothing to do with her beauty and her prodigious ass.

  27. CrowbarSamurai

    greatest day ever

  28. @ 214, FRIST I actually agree with you.

  29. gay4girls

    @223 Feeling you on the men thing. I don’t date them either.
    @224 Kim’s seems a little bit on the toolish side to me. Aphrodite/Venus, from what I gather in her portrayal over the years (certainly diverse, from lust-goddess, to transcendental love goddess, to hermaphrodic union of all loves [a la Spenser, Ariosto, etc.]) she is certainly into some freaky shit, but I’ve never really conceived her as one to let fucking Ray-J piss on her. I love Armenia; I love Armenians, but not because of Kim’s rather comical ass.

    And nice little etymological tracing of the origins of Paris-hating, but relevance?

  30. tHANKS
    Fucking capslock!!!! Ok,
    hello to BITE ME, of course. And….is there a new freakin post yet?
    I gotta go to work :(

  31. dr.kevinpothead

    metaphor – July 26, 2007 9:02 AM

    And all this time I thought she was just a boring cunt. Turns out she’s a total cunt. She treats the guy like that after 2 1/2 years. She’s one cold bitch.

    ^ agreed. who breaks up with someone “there soooo in love with” like THAT??! over the fucking PHONE?! then has an ASSISTANT go and kick him out?! black hearted BITCH. i hate this cum dumster. she needs to pick her oversized ego tistcal head out of her UBER OVERRATED ( FAT) ass and just go away?!

  32. Dontquityourdayjob

    gay4girls and ???????krazihottkelli??????? –
    should hook up
    I will sell the tickets and keep the money…probably worth a few dollars.
    I bet they get mad when mom forgets to pay the phone bill.
    Kinda boring blogging yourself…
    Oh, the bored kiddies….

  33. SnapMyBra

    #222, can I be your dog? You Rock!

    (Eva Longoria – what a fucking joke.)

    Flacks are the new lawyers and need to be dropped to the bottom of the ocean.

  34. Man, you guys are like rabbits on speed with viagra! I turn my luscious back for a minute and you guys have already posted 23 fucking times!!!

  35. Doh!

    @232–You’re an idiot! Did you mean that comment for the Lohan pic??

  36. Shallow Val

    #232 NASTY – you don’t even know the half of it. Who’s worse…the cunts we read about or us?

    We are sick puppies who need to be bitten with nasty pointed teeth. grrrrrr.

    I need to get to the gym and work out some of this PMS.

  37. gay4girls

    Hey day job: Suck outta my ass with a straw. Anytime. Really.

  38. LayDeeBug

    NEW POST:

    “Jessica Alba is still boring!”

  39. Think Much

    Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Alba got word that while she’s travelling all the time, Warren is back home sleeping around and inviting little sluts over to the house to get it on and stuff? Anyone ever think that might be the case? And if it is, I think a phone call dumping and an assistant to move him the fuck out ASAP is kind of justified. I’m just saying, there might be more to this…

  40. nasty cowgirl

    Hey Shallow Val you sound like Victor/Jimbo/Fish? I don’t mean to frustrate with my teasing taunts–I just have a weakness for IT lovin’ , but strictly superficial! Plus—I’m not dumb enough to post my pics for everyone to see (at least not without compensation of some sort:-) Can we still be friends? I’ll call my assistants and have them get my stuff!

  41. Romance Detective

    #237

    Dunno, I’m more inclined to think she had been hanging out a lot with that French director/producer and realized how he was much more qualified than Cash. And, being French, probably knows what women want better. So, instead of cheating on Cash while she was alone with that French dude, she thought it would be more ethical to break it up with Cash before she had sex with the French dude in next hour or so.

  42. dr.kevinpothead

    Chauncey Gardner – July 25, 2007 3:01 PM

    Famous bitches don’t get any more bland and boring than Jessica Alba. She’s not ugly, but she’s not the end-all-be-all that people make her out to be. I’d toss off on pictures of Eva Mendes or Jennifer Esposito over Jessica Alba’s any day of the week. Which is basically, like, every day.

    ^ ^ yeah, i totally agree, and just because a man or woman does NOT worship at this anorexic, talentless, pop eyed slut does NOT make them “gay, jealous, fat, ugly, blind or stupid”. ok? we all have our opinions, and thats mine
    shes awful. a black hearted bitch

  43. drokystroky

    #241!!!!! Hahaha beat that bitches

  44. ts

    Victor, you really must be a 14 year old virgin. Before you use big words, better know how to spell them first. There’s no “F” in decipher you dumbass.

  45. How Old Is Victor?

    #242

    I think you meant 41 year old virgin. His IQ, however, is of that of a 14 year old.

  46. ts

    No, I meant 14. He sounds like a 7th grader.

  47. ShallowValChristCrotchLayDeeBugetc

    #238 – I am not anyone but me. I post as different names but they are not any of the ones you mentioned. I don’t like pretending I’m anyone on the site. I think it’s dumb but that’s just me.

    If what they’re saying about Jimbo is true, I’d be pretty damn scared.

  48. Shallow Val

    Shoot I just outed myself. (smacks head)

  49. It’s a mystery to me why a single hot chick is hotter than a taken hot chick. In both cases I’d never have a chance in hell to ever hook up with any of them, so really what’s the difference?

    Oh yeah…that’s right. Because now there’s a chance, baby! There’s a chance.

    All my thoughts about this story here:
    http://www.tonightwemakesoap.com/2007/07/horny-guys-with-no-chance-in-hell.html

  50. Shallow Val

    #247 Joey MAck – - It works the other way too. Also, on another note, most married men are usually available as well (and they’re jerks).

    Sometimes people just make me sick.

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