Jessica Alba is single


In what can only be described as THE GREATEST NEWS EVER, Jessica Alba has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years Cash Warren. Not only that, she did it while in a different country and over the phone. Us reports:

Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

That’s cold as hell, but this is Jessica Alba we’re talking about. She could’ve cut his testicles off with a chainsaw and she’d still qualify for some sort of humanitarian award. Besides, she’s single now, which means I’ve got more important things on my mind than worrying about little baby Warren. Like how I’m going to lure her into my basement so I can perform sexy experiments on her. Ha ha, I jest, I jest. But seriously, I’m gonna need to find some rope.

NOTE: You’d think giant space glasses would deter me, but no, not even Zombie Hitler himself could keep me from this woman. I think the evidence speaks for itself.