In what can only be described as THE GREATEST NEWS EVER, Jessica Alba has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years Cash Warren. Not only that, she did it while in a different country and over the phone. Us reports:
Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.
That’s cold as hell, but this is Jessica Alba we’re talking about. She could’ve cut his testicles off with a chainsaw and she’d still qualify for some sort of humanitarian award. Besides, she’s single now, which means I’ve got more important things on my mind than worrying about little baby Warren. Like how I’m going to lure her into my basement so I can perform sexy experiments on her. Ha ha, I jest, I jest. But seriously, I’m gonna need to find some rope.
NOTE: You’d think giant space glasses would deter me, but no, not even Zombie Hitler himself could keep me from this woman. I think the evidence speaks for itself.
cowgirl up | July 25, 2007 at 2:26 pm
I’m super! Thanks for asking!
chill | July 25, 2007 at 2:27 pm
First ?
Hash | July 25, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Hm. Comment first, then masturbate. I’d rise my silver surfer up Alba’s ass anytime. Peace.
kate | July 25, 2007 at 2:28 pm
she has a better ass than kim kardashian.
LayDeeBug | July 25, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Who fcking cares???? Self-serving, conceited, blue-contact-wearing, trying to play a white chick, phony-baloney, bad-acting, bad-role-choosing, used condom producing hackneyed hack.
I must say I like her healthy lifestyle and eating habits. And the dress is kinda cool. What a cunt though huh?
gay4girls | July 25, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Hey Jessica, if you’re reading this, I am 97% compatible with you according to the hard science at CelebrityMatch.com.
Seriously.
woodhorse | July 25, 2007 at 2:32 pm
This method of breaking up seems to be a trend.
Hash's stash | July 25, 2007 at 2:33 pm
#3, I know you’re an “ass man”, but don’t you find those goggle glasses distracting and FRIGHTENING (I was going to mention FRISTS name again-oops too late)!
YouRang | July 25, 2007 at 2:36 pm
What a total and complete bitch.
woodhorse | July 25, 2007 at 2:36 pm
lol #6 but did you check the Chinese astrology?
Hash | July 25, 2007 at 2:39 pm
#8 No not really. In fact, i find them pretty useful. That way I can see my reflection while I’m fucking her, which is a major turn on, as I’m a narcisistic prick.
Cosmo | July 25, 2007 at 2:40 pm
I have no idea who Cash Warren is, but I do know that it sucks to be him right now.
Hash's stash | July 25, 2007 at 2:42 pm
hmmmm. #11 I just recently purchased some new shades (although not quite so buggy). You have to admit that the horizontal stripes on her granny skirt are all wrong though?
The Future Mr. Alba | July 25, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I will fight anyone for her hand in marriage… AND I’ll take HER last name to prove my love to her. Beat that, Superfacials. :-)
LayDeeBug | July 25, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Someone tell her that emulating Jennifer Lopez’s cuntiness in not a good thing to aspire for.
What is it with Latina “actresses” being ultra-skanky-cunts? I mean it’s not like we’re still in the dark and not being hired for work. This is the 21st century; stop trying to prove your toughness, it’s not cute.
Hash | July 25, 2007 at 2:44 pm
#13 Cool. Wanna have sex?
And yeah, I agree, horizontal stripes never worked for anyone.
FirstTimeCaller | July 25, 2007 at 2:44 pm
@5: The casting director and costume designers wanted her like that. If they think Jessica Alba can pass for white (which she can’t; I’m not sure why they went with her in the first place), then as an actor, she’s going to try to play the part.
But yeah, I’ve never been too impressed by her acting. But then aGAIN, I don’t think most people hire her for her talent :-) She’s gorgeous.
The Future Mr. Alba-baker-lohan-spears | July 25, 2007 at 2:46 pm
#14–Yeah, but would you hyphenate your last name to prove your love and pretentiousness (it is a word–look it up!)
Victor's Little Dick | July 25, 2007 at 2:47 pm
If Victory was not such a dick, I would bang her all night. Every time he gets around a cute girl he forgets how to speak English. Then we go home and I get spanked. I must have done something very wrong in a previous life to end up as Victor’s Little Dick
Victor | July 25, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Oh where or where is my babe at? She hasn’t replied to me in a while……..damn it.
Hash's stash | July 25, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Sweet 16! Totally! I already asked if you want to have a lunch tryst or at least some hot food?
fecalsmear | July 25, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Sounds like a nice girl…
I can’t stand this cold bitch.
Victor | July 25, 2007 at 2:49 pm
#1 Cowgirl up, when we going to have sex and have some fun?
miss oblivious | July 25, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Jeez, if thats true then she’s a real c u next tuesday. I thought it was kind of nice to see a somewhat normal looking, healthy, happy celeb relationship. But then maybe it was only an illusion. Anyways, that Cash guy probably dumped her anorexic, bulimic bitch ass. I bet she was seriously annoying and high maintenance…and over rated. Its not like she has much more of a career aside from flaunting her figure in all sorts of men’s magazines. I admit she used to have a great physique; but even that’s gone, and what remains is getting skeletal. Bet Cash was just happy not to have to kiss her vomit breath anymore.
The Future Mr. Alba | July 25, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Oh #18, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Thank you for that. :-)
…but I will still fight you. En garde!
Hash | July 25, 2007 at 2:52 pm
21, no, let’s do it. But you must bring your shades.
Victor | July 25, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Oh man, I would love to eat out Jessica’s asshole, lick it, then cream in it. Then of course rub my man juice all over her tits. Hell I’d even use her pussy juice as a dipping sauce for my roast beef sandwich.
cowgirl behaving naughtily | July 25, 2007 at 2:52 pm
#20–What’s in a name? I’m here just thinking about your hot tongue and nimble fingers that make up for your not-so-little-dick!
The Future Mr. Alba-baker-lohan-spears | July 25, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Oh Yeah #25. How flattering is this? Fuck You!
Hash's stash | July 25, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Seriously—stop trying to have sex with me! I’m already cumming! see you in two shakes of a lamb’s tail you crazy nympho!
Sad Dog | July 25, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2
mr right | July 25, 2007 at 2:57 pm
let’s see…a girl who used to be kinda hot got skinny, conceited, and whiny, and just broke up with a guy like a total cunt. wow, somebody hold me back, she’s my dreamgirl! i hope she likes lubeless anal! Not that it matters, really…after she stopped choking on blood and teeth it’d still be at least 3 days before she could sit down.
gay4girls | July 25, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Look, my esteemed rivals, your pathetic attempts at name changes and sphincter-lickings cannot compete with the hard science at CelebrityMatch.com.
The girl is mine, and not in the Michael Jackson vs. Paul McCartney way. At all.
Chick Crack | July 25, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Fish,
Put up a link to those pics of her in that white bikini. Mmmmm….
Victor's Little Dick | July 25, 2007 at 2:59 pm
@20, 23 & 27 Hey Dumb shit. You are wondering why FRIST is not getting back to you? I am your little dick and I know why!! If you would stop trying to bang everything on two legs and sometime four, maybe a girl would stay around for more than the two minutes you drool down your face as you try and get their phone number!!!
my comment | July 25, 2007 at 2:59 pm
She’s boring.
The Future Mr. Alba | July 25, 2007 at 3:00 pm
That’s a very generous offer, but no thank you #29… although it sounds like you and Victor could have fun together.
gay4girls | July 25, 2007 at 3:01 pm
@32 I love it when girls break up with (other) guys like that. I’m sure he did some stupid shit. We always do, don’t we?
And if you talk about my girl like that again I’ll rip off your arm and assfuck you with it until your pupils explode.
Just kidding.
wedgeone | July 25, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Oh Yeah! Now we’re talking! Let’s see some videotaped sex from her. You all know Cash has one hidden away somewhere.
Man, she’s hot. So hot she makes Paris Hilton’s sunglasses look good.
Chauncey Gardner | July 25, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Famous bitches don’t get any more bland and boring than Jessica Alba. She’s not ugly, but she’s not the end-all-be-all that people make her out to be. I’d toss off on pictures of Eva Mendes or Jennifer Esposito over Jessica Alba’s any day of the week. Which is basically, like, every day.
flavio | July 25, 2007 at 3:03 pm
um, if you look at jessica alba and even see what glasses she is wearing then you’re at least part gay. oh thanks for linking back to those bikini pictures, oh lovelove. lovelove. glug, glug, glug, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh hh h . ohhhh. thank you.
kim k’s ass is a different species of ass, and it serves different purposes. do not compare them.
Hash | July 25, 2007 at 3:04 pm
I can’t help it. Do you have AIDS? If you do, don’t bring those shades, cus I’ll be infected. I fuck on first dates, if they include giant glasses and/or kittens.
bigislandgrrl | July 25, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I just found this site by accident, and wow! its fun! I so want to get in on the bashing!
Hash | July 25, 2007 at 3:06 pm
#43: You want to get in on the bashing; but do you have AIDS?
LayDeeBug | July 25, 2007 at 3:10 pm
#43 bigislandgirl – welcome.
Strap in, bring your fire extinguisher and get ready for a bumpy but highly entertaining ride. Here we goooooooo…….(ticktickticktick)
Sexy Jessica Alba | July 25, 2007 at 3:10 pm
She has to be the hottest freaking babe out there. I could stare at pictures of her all day long.
Victor | July 25, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Jimbo how about you get the cum out of your eyes, and start reading correctly. I am not talking about or to FRIST. I am taking about cowgirl. So go get some Visine and clean the cum stains off your eye balls.
Ron Mexico | July 25, 2007 at 3:13 pm
#31 – can’t wait to take down a famous black man, huh? Racist bastard.
p911gt10c | July 25, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Aww Jessica, that’s the sweetest birthday present anyone could give me, a single you!
Luv ya!
Victor | July 25, 2007 at 3:15 pm
By the way, I totally enjoy getting pegged by a giant gas powered dildo.