Jessica Alba is single

July 25th, 2007 // 260 Comments
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In what can only be described as THE GREATEST NEWS EVER, Jessica Alba has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years Cash Warren. Not only that, she did it while in a different country and over the phone. Us reports:

Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

That’s cold as hell, but this is Jessica Alba we’re talking about. She could’ve cut his testicles off with a chainsaw and she’d still qualify for some sort of humanitarian award. Besides, she’s single now, which means I’ve got more important things on my mind than worrying about little baby Warren. Like how I’m going to lure her into my basement so I can perform sexy experiments on her. Ha ha, I jest, I jest. But seriously, I’m gonna need to find some rope.

NOTE: You’d think giant space glasses would deter me, but no, not even Zombie Hitler himself could keep me from this woman. I think the evidence speaks for itself.

superficial

  1. ScottL

    Well thank Jehovah the girl has come to her senses, let’s face it, when you are Filet Mignon, why associate with hot dogs! Cash Warren haha Tough luck buddy you are just like the rest of us now, outside looking in! Glad to see she smartened up!

  2. herbiefrog

    wasn’t she our dark angel ?

    hey babe… : )

    whatever you want : )

    forget logan
    it’s a whhhhhhhhhhhhole new life : )

  3. Chris Berman

    LMAO! Sad Cow, right on cue! Post your message a few hundred more times – if we haven’t responded yet, it must be because we didn’t understand it.

  4. Sad Dog

    Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2

  5. Sad Dog

    Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2

  6. Sad Dog

    Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2

  7. Sad Dog

    Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2

  8. Sad Dog

    Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2

  9. Sad Dog

    Ask NFL to Do More: Suspend Vick Without Pay Following Michael Vick’s indictment, the NFL has ordered Vick not to come to training camp this year. Please urge the NFL to suspend Vick without pay now. Click here and sign this petition: http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/afalcons_vick_2

  10. LayDeeBug

    #145, you sly thing you!!!!

    ManUnited you were, I mean ARE so cool. Yayyy, ManU is back……!

    (LDB does a happy little jig)

  11. Sad Dog

    (hang that fuckin nigga!)

  12. Sad Dog

    whoops

  13. mcfizz

    I hope JT jumps on that!

  14. biatcho

    heh, you said jig, LDB. Fucking Racist.

  15. I leave for lunch with Hash and this what I come back too?

  16. Bill Clinton

    #163… yah cowgirl, we got us a lil’ dogie or two that needs wranglin’.

    And a Mad Dog that needs to be put down…. with extreme prejudice.

  17. Victor

    Yeah, COWGIRL, check your blog. I wrote you back. And you went to lunch with somebody other than me?

  18. Victor

    Some of the words have extra spaces in them but that’s because my erection kept hitting the spacebar.

  19. Victor

    Cowgirl please check your blog, that jackoff Jimbo is fuckin posting under my name. #166 is him again, #165 is me.

  20. It looks like someone sliced off the left corner of her sunglass lenses.

    Or maybe that was intentional.

  21. Victor

    Cowgirl please check your mail. I sent you a piece of foreskin. It should still be moist.

  22. miss oblivious

    #140, ok, sorry if its not you. But whomever is doing it, stfu! And to you, Sad Dog, I totally agree…but enough with the posts already! Its counter productive because you’re just annoying people at this point, and it just makes peta look bad!

  23. WTF, Inc.

    #110 cowcat, seeing as how “Ron Mexico” IS Michael Vick – he used the name an an alias at a herpes clinic in Mexico – WTF are you talking about, that “Ron Mexica” is calling this a case of racial profiling?

    The Falcons are saying they want to suspect Vick but the NFL doesn’t want them to until they finish their own investigation of this dog-electrocuting fuckstick. Now THAT is fucked up and deserves an email or 93 to Roger Godell’s office to suspend his ass now.

  24. good now maybe she can quit the anorexia thing and get curvy again—we can only hope

  25. ya ya

    xxxxxxxxxx
    xxxxxxx

    http://www.dlisted.com/node/13101#comment-360168

    Cash only is half Black so she decided to go for the all Black meat.

  26. farty_mcshitface

    yee-fuckin-haw!!!!!!
    one of hollywoods most overrated so-called hotties is single. her and fellow waif angelina jolie are so disgusting. they are nothing but skin and bones. but don’t worry folks, the popular media will continue to overlook the fact that they are anorexic and devoid of any body shape that isn’t skeletal – they will continue to shovel out the bullshit and the most intellectually devoid in society will happily continue to eat it up. she ain’t hot -never was.
    i hope she marries a turd.
    not a jerk but a real turd.
    it could happen since there are all kinds of challenges to current marriage laws.

  27. Frankie

    And tell me why we should give a Sh$t about her????

  28. George

    This is bad taste. She gets money from the fantastic 4 and she dumps this guy barely 30 days after the Rise of the Surfer. Beautiful woman…ugly personality.

  29. dr.kevinpothead

    mikey – July 25, 2007 4:05 PM

    1st: what the hell is so special about her?? I don’t see it at all. I mean, I can see how Alessandra Ambrosio, Adrianna Lima, Catherine Zeta Jones, etc. are hot, but her? She looks like a used up, mexican piece of shit compared to them. And 2nd: why would her being single have any effect on anybody here? I can 100% guarantee she is not going to date anybody here. I just don’t get it…….

    ^ ^ amen to that

  30. woodhorse

    Ron Mexica: I think it is more to the point of what color were the dogs?

  31. boze

    I’m single too. Hit me up Jess.

  32. woodhorse

    gay4girls: would like to know if you had a date with Jessica and found out she had a really horrid personality, would you still hit it?

  33. roughdaddy

    wow no matter how gorgeous these bitches are theres always some guy whos tired of em,,,, and who the hell is cash warren seriously what does he do, or is he the spawn of a celebrity or something?

  34. gay4girls

    @180 My good friend woodhorse:

    I can only assume that horrid personality or no, she would be utterly compatible with me. I’ve had some pretty nice experiences with girls that nobody else can stand. Yes they were hot, but I’d like to think that I just have some sort of perception about me that can see through the cute little dipshittedness that certain girls put off. See, I’m not superficial . . . I don’t go for “personality.” I’ve found that personality is really the only thing that somebody can really, in the end, lie about so it means little to me (yes, even fake boobs and too much make up authentically indicate fake boobs and too much make up, not my cup o’ tea but it is authentic). So I can only assume that my (albeit not overwhelming) physical attraction to the young little lass combined with the wisdom of the geniuses at CelebrityMatch.com would never lead me astray.

    That being said, I have the unfortunate condition of not being able to get an erection for people I can’t stand. If she was, god forbid, boring, I couldn’t hit it with a bat. So I guess the answer would ultimately be no.

    Let’s hope to God that I never have to find out.

  35. Victor, U need to leave Jimbo alone…?
    He didn’t make all of thoze pozt?
    Y don’t U have a heartattack already on Jimbo, fuck?
    Letz juzt zay: I waz here until 1:00 today,
    U fucking azzholez..U crack me azz up?

    Hi, Bill Clinton…Loved that cigar…cutie?

  36. 3Foot Lizard

    Salma Hayek is hot. Monica Belucci is hot. Jessica Alba is an anorexic skank. If screwing a pretty face attatched to a barely pubescent girl’s body get’s you hot-see you on To Catch a Predator.

  37. justtheobvious

    My wife says you can marry me as long as she gets to have sex with you too..

  38. Duh

    Yawn. Alba is so overrated it’s not even funny. I’d like to see fewer posts of Alba, Britney, and Lindsay and more of Adriana Lima! Adriana rules my world…

  39. gay4girls

    Also, from what I understand, Ms. Alba and I share similar eating habits as well as nearly identical fitness regimes.

    Plus, she is a crotch-shampooer and I love to have my crotch shampooed.

    And please, Mr. 3Foot Lizard, that To Catch a Predator incident is behind me. There was no way they were gonna make those charges stick; not when I brought cookies and a Bible.

  40. xman

    I don’t know what happened but I don’t care how hot anyone is. To go out with someone for 2.5 years and break up ove the phone no less from anothe continent and have there belongings packed up ith out giving an explination or caring for where/ he or she will sleep is very very shallow. What goes around comes around. And if you cannot break up face to face you are gutless and to do that to a person you dated for 2.5 years with out caring what happens is baffiling to me. I feel if I am in a relationship for over 6 months and it does not work out I would still care for the person after all I was with him or her for that time. What a low life. It will come back to you Alba. I know one thing for sure though, women are much crueder than men

  41. so over it

    she’s not hot. sure, she’s not ugly, but i’d take scarlett johanssen anyday.

  42. i can’t stand this little snot. she basically shits all over her culture and then she dumps her boyfriend over the phone like a high schooler. what a bitch.

  43. aussie

    she looks better in a bikini than a wrinkled dress with patent leather shoes…

  44. gerard Vandenberg

    Hey there!! That’s quite a happy coincidence. Because you know what? I’m also as single as hell!!(for about eleven years or so)

  45. EuroChic

    I love Jessica Alba, she’s a true bitch just like me :)
    Cash was ugly anyways and she’s too hot for him…and by the way she’s like one of total 5 American girls that actually look good…the rest of you are fat cows that eat too many cheeseburgers..

  46. Amen

    Jess is hot. I’d go lesbo for her any day. She looks good even in a bad dress that is two sizes too large for her. Cash was seriously lacking in the looks/money department anyways.

  47. 183/ juzt breakin ballz…not zeriouz…get real…

  48. miss oblivious

    #193, yeh, you europeeons are catching up in the fatty department because you love our Mickey D’s, so I would STFU (and no, I’m not a fatty, so FU). Plus you’re all sucking on cancer sticks all the time so you’ll die before us from lung cancer anyways. And deep down bitches are just sad, lonely little twits, so its nothing to be proud of.

  49. crazy otto

    oh my dear jess you dont know what your missing for with me you shall have bliss,kisskiss

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