Jessica Alba is pregnant

December 12th, 2007 // 222 Comments

Jessica Alba announced to People magazine she is pregnant with the child of her longtime boyfriend Cash Warren:

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.

Cash Warren, what a badass name. I wish I had a cool name. Instead my parents stuck me with the moniker of Balls Mahoney*. It made things tough growing up, but I think I turned out alright. And if you disagree, I’ll throw acid in your face. I’m well adjusted.

* The Superficial Writer’s real name isn’t Balls Mahoney. Ladies, please do not try and send him your panties in the mail. No matter if it’s probably the strongest urge you’ve ever felt in your life which, let’s be honest, it is.

Photo: Getty Images
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  1. Rebecca

    OK FISHREADER. AHHAHAH I love that name…..thats great

  2. Rebecca

    OK FISHREADER. AHHAHAH I love that name…..

  3. Rebecca

    OK FISHREADER. AHHAHAH I love that name…..thats great

  4. Please Don't Insult South Park

    #80

    Hell no. That was the most boring and predictable comment, not to mention the lack of twist or social/political satire. South Park writers would commit suicide being compared to #76.

  5. Doogie

    Oh my shit! That just came out of nowhere? I can’t believe she’s pregnant. Wait. Didn’t she just break up with Cash Warren like, months ago? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all fake and she is caught walking around with a pillow under her shirt.

  6. Let's Get the Facts Straight

    #86

    It’s not Jessica who doesn’t want to marry Cash. It’s the other way around. Hence my respect for Cash: at least he seems to deserve his Yale degree for being able to distinguish between fuck-worthy vs. marriage-worthy.

  7. I’m sorry, but my first reaction to this news was “Ewwww!”

    This will completely alter the course of her career. First, she’ll be a MILF, second, she’ll probably turn into one of those “I don’t want to prance around half-naked anymore so I can be a role model for my kid” kinda moms. As prety as she is, she’s never been fully comfortable with her label as a sex symbol. She doesn’t seem to enjoy it like Jolie or Johansson seem to. She’s a bit of a prude despite getting half nekkid all of the time, so this will be the perfect excuse for her to cover up and pretend to be a “serious” actress. Ha.

  8. Floppy Bob

    You writers suck.

    All the names you THINK of, you say Balls Mahoney. You’re either an idiot or a wrestling fan. There’s a strong chance you’re both. They go hand in hand.

    Keep up the shitty work.

  9. buttmonknumber2

    stupid, classless slut – the guy’s a dork too.

  10. HAHA!

    I always thought that Jessica Alba just looked like a skinner version of every other Mexican in LA. Now she REALLY will look like every other Mexican- knocked up! BWAHAHAHA!

  11. Angela

    #89 scares me.

  12. Something about this story just isn’t right… We’ll see, the truth is bound to become apparent ay!

  13. LayDeeBug

    I’d like to give her a Flying Drunk Monkey kick to the neck.

  14. Shallow Val

    79 – and I thought I was the only one who noticed the baby-girl, teenagey names. Thank goodness you’re here.

    REBECCA or “BECCA” go fuck your teddy bear and give the footbnall team a blowjob cuz that’s what you’re good for with your oh-so-obvious and unoriginal comment.

  15. LayDeeBug

    89 – Can I blow you ….please!???? You are my idol.

  16. Shallow Val

    96 – Ok you’re learning to lie on the Fish. Very good.

    OH, and 5’9″ at 129 is positively skeletal so go get yourself a sandwich when you get 89 one. And me too.

  17. well, I’m happy for her and for sure she will still be sexy despite of her pregnancy

  18. Chris

    I don’t understand how anyone could find Jessica Alba even remotely attractive, and I’m male and I love hot women. Seriously, some dudes are dumb to amazing extremes. Just because she’s famous and an actress it doesn’t make her any hotter or any prettier than other not famous chicks that you can see walking down the street and who have a much prettier face, are much hotter and have a way better body. Jessica’s face is ok… average, I see much prettier chicks daily. Her body is nothing to gawk at, she’s way too thin, she has no boobs, her ass is flat and shaggy, she has no curves, she has no hips, her waist is very wide, her eyes are ugly. I don’t think that she looks hot at all, she looks average to me, compared to normal not famous chicks, and compared to other chicks in Hollywood she is definitely below average.
    Hell, look at her, what’s hot about her? nothing. She’s not pretty, she’s not hot, she doesn’t have a nice body.
    It has nothing to do with being blonde or brunnette or being natural or fake, it’s a matter of beauty and of hotness, and Jessica doesn’t have any of that.
    I love latin women and Jessica Alba isn’t the best example of latin woman or latin looks or latin beauty at all. Kim Kardashian is hot, dudes, hot as fuck and fucking beautiful, and she looks way more latin than Alba even when she’s not, that’s a hot woman: gorgeous face, gorgeous eyes, amazing ass, amazing boobs, curvy body, just perfect. But Alba, WTF? If you were walking down the street and you saw her and she wasn’t famous, no one of you would turn your heads to look at her twice, and you know it. Some of you are losers who just pretend she’s something special because she’s a celebrity, but she’s no better than any ok looking average girl.
    And #63, you ain’t talking about Alba are you? Because her eyes are among the ugliest, her legs ain’t long at all, and her butt is flat and shaggy as fuck, and even has celullite… never touched her skin so I don’t know if it’s smooth, but you haven’t either, and tan girls with full lips and brown hair are dime a dozen. See, that’s what I’m talking about. You idolize her in your own fantasy world just because she’s a celebrity, and you think she’s better than other chicks and imagine things about her that aren’t even true and you glorify her in your own little world of imagination, you think her ass is nice when it’s flat as fuck, hanging and filled with cellulite, when probably there’s way hotter chicks with way better asses and way prettier eyes walking by you and you still consider Alba to be anything special, geez.

  19. Your mom

    Hahahah Shalow Val what a dumbass.

  20. Maria

    Its all matter of opinion, dumbasses.

  21. Realist

    Fuck, Chris. Hope you enjoyed however long it took you to write that. You’ll never that time back. Kim Kardashian is hot. Ridiculous. Hotter than Alba. Alba is still hot. Everyone has different taste. Learn that. Hopefully she’ll still be hot post-pregnancy.

  22. fuck Alba, she isn't hot neither pretty, and she is overrated as hell

    Her 15 minutes were so over already, this doesn’t change anything.
    I agree she is NOT hot at all and her looks are completely, absolutely, incredibly overrated, anyone with a slight bit of tase or with an idea of what hot is knows that, male or female, regardless of their weight and their good looks or their lack of them, to all the mysoginists who think that because a chick says another one isn’t hot then she has to be ugly or who simply think women don’t know what’s hot and what’s not, they do, believe me, sometimes way much better than men.
    Hollywood couldn’t keep selling such a not hot chick like Alba as something hot and keep making some people believe she was hot for any longer, it was too obvious.
    Anyone who has a mind blur, isn’t sure or doesn’t really know what hot or pretty is, just compare Alba to Kim Kardashian. Yeah, you got it. The Kardashian bitch is HOT damn, that’s hotness, that’s beauty. Alba is just… NOT, at all.

  23. Auntie Kryst

    @114 Shallow Val, I completely agree. Rebecca, can I call you Becky? Becky this site is for laughs. You don’t have to defend Jessica, she doesn’t really know you. The picture you keep next to your makeup stand is just that, a picture. You’re not really friends. She is very pretty though. Which leads me to…
    @118 Dude what the fuck was that novel you just wrote? You’re like a reverse teenagey chick with a stupid unoriginal teen guy name. You wrote all that because Jessica Alba is not your cup of masturbation tea? Kim Kardashian, are you kidding me? That fat cunt’s ass is so big that she’s grows taller when she sits. That Armenian whore just needs to go back her village and tend to her goats. Chris, sometimes too much porn is a bad thing.

  24. #123

    Racist ignorant scum, anyone?
    what about your poor hungry grandfather who came to the USA from Europe or other country similiar to Kim’s, invading the land of the native americans? you are a land bastard and you are an immigrant, and the worst thing is when immigrants like you say someone else who is an immigrant like them should go back to their home land. Did your grandpa leave his goats there? go back take care of them.

  25. Shallow Val

    119 thank you. I try hard.

  26. Shallow Val

    124 ay pleez!

  27. MMM CreamPie

    I hope there is video of the creampie

  28. Auntie Kryst

    Oh shit, I think I just pissed off a gypsy. Don’t curse me old woman!

  29. Lys

    Dear Chris
    Thanks for your comment. I’m glad to see that there are men who can write something more original and intelligent than ”I would drink her douche water blah blah blah …………. i’m gonna jerk of ……..” I’m sure you’re gonna get hot women anytime you want with this kind of mentality. Not like mister 89…
    I’m more like a Kim Kardashian girl than a Jessica Alba one. I have full lips, and D cup boobs. Also, i’m a foreigner. We should have a cup of cofee. ;)

  30. D. Richards (Surgeon.)

    Can you say, “mistake!”? It’s fun to accidently impregnate yourself. Real fun. Football! Wee..

    I wouldn’t trust a guy who’s name is “cash” even if my life depended on it. Go, Alba! Starting a family. Strength. Strong mother. Mommy!

  31. No Ignorant Racist Morons please

    #126, 128

    I’m 17 and I’m from Europe. Unlike yours, my grandparents weren’t poor and hungry, and didn’t have to leave their homeland looking for a better life at a foreign, invaded land. And also, my grandparents, unlike yours, didn’t have a retarded ignorant grandson/grandaughter they’d be ashamed of.
    People like you are the reason why the rest of the world think Americans are retarded, you give the good Americans a bad name and you give your country a bad reputation. You’re worthless and useless ignorant scum, no one wants you in Europe and no one wants you in America, they just keep you there because you were born there thanks to your hungry immigrant and unlike you, fighter, grandparents who would be ashamed of you. You don’t even know what you are and where you come from. You’re a subproduct of retardement, ignorance, and too much American trash TV and that sums up your culture and intelligence. You’re worthless than a piece of shit and your brain is pure rotten scum.

  32. feg

    this was seriously not so interesting that it had to be one of the only things posted today on this site. if you wanted to take the day off you should just say so.

  33. Auntie Kryst

    @131 Lighten up, I’m not the Turks coming to invade your home. Too much trash TV you kidding me? I think it is you who watch too much trash TV. Is Baywatch still a #1 show in your country?

    You do understand the purpose of this website? This is called “The Superficial” If you were looking for intellectual fulfillment you’re in the wrong place. If you are here to research what to talk about when you come America to drive a cab, then by all means ‘welcome’.

    PS, please stop spamming this site with you millionaire.com dating schemes. We’re on to you!

  34. Another Thing to Ponder

    So will the baby have Cash’s IQ and Jessica’s looks or the other way around?

  35. Do Your Homework Please

    #131

    If I were your grandparents I’d be ashamed that you’re wasting your time on this site instead of filling in your brains with useful information.

  36. Lys

    Being superficial doesn’t mean being racist, mysogynistic, xenophobic or stupid. Too much hateful comments on this site. I hope it is just a catharsis. I hope you guys are not like this for real. Make love, not war. Now I’m gonna go eat some fresh flowers and talk to the trees.

  37. EdgarAllenHo

    Alas, she is hot nevermore.

  38. Hollywood serves up yet another bastard child … way to go, Jessica Alba!!!

  39. shokroklove

    i swear theres a freaking pregnancy epidemic going on here. Dont celebrities have access to any forms of birth control? Jebus.

  40. Whatever

    Another one self-destructs. Way to go. Couldn’t have a drinking problem or a coke habit? Had to get pregnant…

  41. Carol - AUSTRALIA

    #77 WHY… is that what you did when you came into this world? You are seriously very sick minded!

  42. Carol - AUSTRALIA

    Oh BY I think Jessica ROCKS !!!!

  43. makemepuke

    No No No …I have a confession to make, I am the father!!!!! You see, Amy Winehouse and I were snorting cocaine one night and Jessica Alba walked in and said, “hey , you two wanna see my clit piercing!” , Well just then Amy went down on me and in a few minutes I blew my load but at that moment Jessica was spreading her naked bottom half to show us her new jewlery and some of my semen got on her pussy…..Oh by the way, Danny Bonaduce eats human flesh….I saw him do it one night at a biker bash.

  44. Marsh

    Your career will officially be over Miss Alba. Pregnancy is going to wreck your body, you will be sporting saggy boobs and stretch marks and varicose veins till the cows come home.

  45. Ah ha

    That explains why her boobs looked a little over B cups in her previous pics.

  46. What Do You Expect?

    #141

    Because #77 wanted to lick his mom’s pussy twice on his way out.

  47. Dave

    I was told she has a profile on a celebrity and millionaire dating site named (MillMatch.com). I believe it’s totally a rumor since she has been busy with her daily stuff for so long. But who knows the truth?

  48. 148

    #8 (etc) I dunno. But since it’s currently 2007 and time is only going to go forward, it is not a high priority and won’t be any time in the future. It has not been for quite a few decades. Please catch up.

    Shit, that means someone actually had sex with her. She is really quite ugly.
    Her parts work okay separately but together it just doesn’t work and she is fug and waaay waaay over-rate.
    A butterface if anything, and now she is about to ruin her body. Well, good. I am sick of hearing about this ugly bitch. Next please

  49. whatever

    This news makes my penis sad. Ahhh…poor penis. I’ll click the Back button so you can see Hayden Panettiere in a short blue skirt and thigh high fuck me boots. There, there, you like Hayden, don’t you? Yes…she’s lifting your spirits! Oh, OK, I’ll pet you. Wait…hold on…DON’T SPIT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPIT!

    Bad penis!

  50. Albaham Rinkon

    Cash Warren: Asswipe.

    Cash Warren: Douche.

    Cash Warren: Toiletseat.

    Cash Warren: Nobody.

    Cash Warren: Who?

    Cash Warren: Idiot.

    Cash Warren: Dickbag.

    Cash Warren: Scabie.

    Cash Warren: Assflap.

    Cash Warren: Here Ms. Warren, it’s a new baby boy… he looks like a shitwipe, choose a name everyone will like…. hmmmm, I know ‘Cash’ sounds good.

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