Jessica Alba is pregnant

December 12th, 2007 // 222 Comments

Jessica Alba announced to People magazine she is pregnant with the child of her longtime boyfriend Cash Warren:

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.

Cash Warren, what a badass name. I wish I had a cool name. Instead my parents stuck me with the moniker of Balls Mahoney*. It made things tough growing up, but I think I turned out alright. And if you disagree, I’ll throw acid in your face. I’m well adjusted.

* The Superficial Writer’s real name isn’t Balls Mahoney. Ladies, please do not try and send him your panties in the mail. No matter if it’s probably the strongest urge you’ve ever felt in your life which, let’s be honest, it is.

Photo: Getty Images
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  1. She Has to Make Him Commit Somehow...

    #44

    #46 is right – she actually dumped him because he was not ready to commit to her. But later she begged him to take her back.

  2. scrooge

    it is ok for her to have a bastard.

    i trust that she can handle it financially,but enough with the teens and the crack heads who ” don’t believe in abortions” ( aka they are idiots or they can’t afford an abortion at the moment and the government will pay for their baby ).
    i say this chrismtas, make abortions free to all the stupid ghetto teens and lazy retards that don’t use condoms or birth control.
    decrease the surplus population of hoods and crack babies and people that ask me for change in front of McDonald’s.
    If God is your thing, think about it like this : maybe God created in someone’s mind the idea for abortions, so that mankind could have a second chance at living for themselves and being useful to the world without sucking money from tax payers.

  3. MindRiot

    Funny Danni – because I think she is hot you assume I am not married. What a troll. She was smoking hot in 05 and she still is, now shave your back, finish off another bag of cheetos and go back to living alone with all your cats you fucktard.

  4. Ally

    A baby is always a good news, she seems like a good enough person (maybe not a good actress), too bad she is not even engaged!…it is a shame! another single mom! but it is ok with everybody just because she is rich and famous!.. like somebody said before, another bastard kid!,

  5. lots of hollywood kids are bastards, it's not like they care.

    46 – this is true.
    if they have a nasty break up and then don’t get along it will suck for the kid.

  6. Awww man…..how depressing.

  7. Danni

    #53

    oh honey… too much ugly around you that you find anything average smoking hot? I understand that next to your fugly, 200 lbs wife, Jessica Alba looks good, but c’mon, that doesn’t make her hot and that doesn’t stop her from being average and that doesn’t mean there aren’t millions of girls outta there waaay hotter and prettier than her. I’m sorry your ugly 200 lbs wife shaves her back, eats bags of cheetos etc, but that doesn’t mean every other non Hollywood woman does, there’s a world beyond your small hicktown and the 200 lbs women with hairy backs that walk around it. Now go bang your 200lbs wife and stop drooling over and glorifying anything average, maybe she can make you feel better about yourself. Oh and when you wanna find out how hot women look like and that there’s a world full of women who aren’t 200lbs and shave their backs, get outta your hicktown and pay a visit to the city, you’ll see Jessicas Albas and much better everywhere.

  8. Boodah

    Well at least that explains why her face is so damn round.

  9. #59

    round face? her chin is too big for it to be round.

  10. Lexoka

    That is simply not true. *I* am the real father.

  11. haroof

    lmao.

    she’s over now.

    jessica biel just passed her on the hot list….permanently.

  12. silver and gold

    53-
    i have lived in DC and L.A and I don’t see people more attractive than her all that often. perhaps you just have a different view of what is attractive.
    i like tan skin, full lips, large sparkley eyes, pretty teeth, long legs , cute round butt, long brown hair, smooth skin.
    she fits the bill for me, and she doesn’t look like an overprocessed whore. you might have a different type though.

  13. silver and gold

    i guess i meant 58, sorry MindRiot, i think she is hot too.

  14. Balls Mahoney

    Atleast that faggot fish isn’t stealing my name. I’M A WRESTLING LEGENG. BALLS BALLS BALLS…………..

  15. Balls Mahoney is much better than Turd Ferguson.

  16. I DON’T GET IT. I read somewhere about five minutes ago that was a prude bich. Now I’m reading right here that she is PREGNANT!!
    Well, the sperm was not mine. That’s a fact!!

  17. kels

    #63 is so right on the money. these superficial retards are into the whole blonde haired blue eyed skanks who get the fake tans and boob implants. Jessica, I would say, has more natural beauty…and might I add LATIN BEAUTY! I’d rather see her face than Tila Tequila, now that’s one FUGLY skank.

  18. MindRiot

    Danni = lame.
    I love when fat chicks try and tell the rest of us what is and isnt HOT.

  19. kels

    #63 is so right on the money. these superficial retards are into the whole blonde haired blue eyed skanks who get the fake tans and boob implants. Jessica, I would say, has more natural beauty…and might I add LATIN BEAUTY! I’d rather see her face than Tila Tequila, now that’s one FUGLY skank.

  20. Iimpregnatedjessica

    It’s my kid, not some douche’s named “Cash.”
    Now, I’m off to Kaley Cuoco’s house for some afternoon delights. The results should be on here in a few weeks.

  21. Sven Oljaski

    There is no god! I have nothing to look forward to ever again! I’m just going to end it off of some bridge somewhere into the icy depths…

  22. J-Sin

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

  23. RAT

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    NOW SHE”S RUINED FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    FUCK!!!!!!!!!

  24. CS

    Jessica Alba with milky jugs. There is a God. The only thing that could make this better is if I could somehow transfer my mind into Cash Warren’s body.

  25. XFILE102

    SACRILEGE!!! NEVER!!! Here I was, preparing to mount another session of seasick barroom fist-fight between me and my Penis to the latest pics of UBER-HOTTIE Jessica Alba on Superficial, and all of a sudden, The skies darkened as the burnt embers of the scorched sky began raining down, opening holes in the fabric of our world, allowing the closest servants of the dark lord himself to begin entering our world to suck the life from all organic matter among us. As the ensuing carnage continued, the great harbinger of doom stepped to the podium of eternal destruction to make Beelzebub’s proclamation that his masked servant here on earth “Cash Warren” AKA Traziak Demonicus had implanted his unholy gametes into the hallowed, exquisite love canal of the ravishing, seductress known as Jessica Alba; impregnating her with fiendish breed-spawn, bent on destroying the very fabric of our existence. As I glanced into the simulacrum that has replaced our world, my soul cowers in fear, in anticipation of being ingested by the pitch black orb of destruction devouring our moon. As the world collapses inward on itself and I cease to exist, I can only think to myself “WHY THE FUCK WAS I NOT ALLOWED TO BRING HER TO VIOLENT ORGASM BEFORE SHE SURRENDERED THE POOTIE TO THE DARK LORDS CAUSE!?!!??”

  26. diville

    I hope her baby has the good sense to lick her pussy a couple of times on the way out.

  27. Rebecca

    You guys are retards. Dont talk shit about people getting “pregnant and ruing their bodies.” Number one, If YOUR mom didn’t, you wouldn’t fucking be here, dipshit. And second, I’m sure you all look AMAZING and have great jobs to be sitting on the net commenting on people you dont even know.
    You dont know their situation; and OMG, maybe they made a fucking mistake! You probably never have; Imbecils.
    You have jacked off to her for a couple of years, seeming that is the closest to actual pussy that you’ll ever get. :)

  28. Fish Reader

    #78 Rebecca, just shut yer fucking trap. You don’t know me! You have no idea how many years I’ve been masturbating to Jessica’s picture so don’t claim to. Also why do you dumbfuck defenders of the celebrities always have teenagey names like yours and Krista, Tawny, and the like? Finally for your information, making fun of celebutards is the purpose of this site you stupid twat.

  29. Missystar

    #76–really, really funny. Brilliant, in fact. You should be writing for “South Park.” As for her defenders–I have seen better acting in high-school plays.

  30. Juliana

    @ #4: Anorexic? No…. If anything, she is probably one of the more “normal” women in Hollywood.

  31. Juliana

    @ #4: Anorexic? No…. If anything, she is probably one of the more “normal” women in Hollywood.

  32. Juliana

    @ #4: Anorexic? No…. If anything, she is probably one of the more “normal” women in Hollywood.

  33. extracheeseplease

    Just like a MEXICAN….getting pregnant out of wedlock.
    The next time you see Jessica Alba she’ll be shopping walmart in her prom dress and flipflops.

  34. FatFuck

    OMG #78 YOU ARE SO SMART!!!

    Rebecca, how fat are you? Were you fat before kids or after? Did the extra sags and bags make you sad? Welcome to the Superficial, where we shit on celebrities. This isn’t happy happy koombaya time.

  35. my comment

    Is the ‘don’t-call-me-Latina’ slut going to marry the guy?

    I’m guessing not.

  36. Lys

    What kind of retarded christians can say in fucking 2008 that someone is a slut coz she’s pregnant and not married?? My god, get out and see the world. Not everyone believe in these lies anymore.

  37. Lys

    #85

    You don’t say shit on celebrities. You say shit on women. Loser.

  38. XFILE102

    #78 You Fucking Retarded bitch.

    WTF?? Not that it matters, but you pissed me off and made it personal, so here I go. A: I am 180 Pounds, 5’11″ and a decent looking man. I am divorced, and currently THOROUGHLY enjoying the sexual freedom of a single life again. How ignorant are you to assume a person’s motives for disdain? I am jealous it was not me that knocked her up. I have no doubts she will be just as hot after joining the Paternal Order as she is now. My ex-wife was actually in BETTER shape after the babies. You truly show your narrow minded, militant feminism right off don’t you? Instead of championing Alba’s cause and coming off as an intelligent supporter, you take to insulting the other posters, and end up looking like a Fat, Bucktoothed teenage girl with Boy hate issues cause you never get a date. You Fucking Troll. As far as the rest of the trash talk in your post:
    * I have a great job that I have EARNED, as a Tech Analyst for a Major Telecom Provider. I make more a year than you probably do in 3.
    * I jerk off just as much as the next guy, and I STILL have more sex with beautiful women than you have probably had in years.

    I was going to make my reply to you short, eloquent and respectful, but the more I read it the more I desire to sink to your infantile level for my closing:

    In Short, get off your fat ass, put down the cheeto’s, get a real job where you have relevance, and you can have the free time to occasionally post online while getting PAID, instead of sitting on your couch in your smelly hotboxed trailer eating cheerios watching Price is Right, COPS and Soap Operas while you Troll around the internet trying to give your life meaning by sounding off about issues by making ignorant comments.

    BTW, grab me a beer and a sandwich while you are up bitch.

    OH, and #80: Thanks for the compliment. I write some manuals for our company that are DRY tech material that will choke the life out of you.. Sometimes it is fun to express oneself creatively. W00T.

  39. Lys

    Geez…

    We can say that mister #89 really got over is divorce…
    One day he will realize that those beautiful women is having sex with are in fact prostitute. And male. And underage. And illegal immigrants.

    I can’t wait for is answer… I hope he will pull out another DnD brain fart by telling me that the dark lord said I’m a fatty. What a price catch he is.

  40. Lys

    *he’s*

  41. ipa

    hmmmm, #89 u sound hot, so what do you think of coming abroad for a visit in good ole Europe .. drop me your mail, hottie!

    on the subject:
    26, she’s too young for getting pregnant. either she doesn’t give a fuck regarding her career or she realized her 15 minutes are over or it was an accident. blah. enjoy your life ladies as long as you can, make babies later, if ever. not that it is necessary. population override.

  42. Lys

    You guys (and especially you 89) are out of your mind. You seem to rather masturbating on a picture than having sex for real…Come on! Stop being so selfish by keeping your penises for yourselves! Jessica is gone now. She’s an actress not your girlfriend. Please four the sake of sex, stop living in your fantasy! (especially you 89. I’m sure your just a big liar. You don’t like Jessica. You a real dork. You’d like to fuck Xena. COme on. Lucy Lawless. Thats a woman for you. Maybe you prefer Kevin Sorbo? You’re right. When I was a teenager, I too had a lot of fantasy about i’m. But it didn’t involve sodomy. You pervert.)

  43. Lys

    sorry for the Typos

    89 is just so dreamy and i’m not an expert of writing with on hand as he is.

  44. Kevin Sorbo

    Hey 93 did our “lot of fantasy about i’m” involve a dictionary and grammar tutoring?

  45. Rebecca

    Haha! All of you are so fired up at one comment! LMAO! God, 89, get over your divorce and quit pretending you dont work at taco bell! Haha!! And 85, I weigh 129 and Im 5 foot nine, you twit. I guess Im a cow!! Nope, never had kids and JUST RAN A MARATHON ON SATURDAY RETARD!God if you respond with another 2 page letter on your life story again, Im gonna have to take another break at work!!!

  46. Lys

    95

    Kevin! Its you. But you are kind of disapointing. I thought you would understand that a non english speaker has the right to do typos. You won’t have your candy tonight. Dirty boy.

  47. Rebecca

    P.S. I love boys. And I love my name. :)

  48. Lys

    I would be so ashamed to be the fantasy of an army of virgin pervert teenager. Poor Jessica.

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