Jessica Alba is pregnant

December 12th, 2007 // 222 Comments

Jessica Alba announced to People magazine she is pregnant with the child of her longtime boyfriend Cash Warren:

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.

Cash Warren, what a badass name. I wish I had a cool name. Instead my parents stuck me with the moniker of Balls Mahoney*. It made things tough growing up, but I think I turned out alright. And if you disagree, I’ll throw acid in your face. I’m well adjusted.

* The Superficial Writer’s real name isn’t Balls Mahoney. Ladies, please do not try and send him your panties in the mail. No matter if it’s probably the strongest urge you’ve ever felt in your life which, let’s be honest, it is.

Photo: Getty Images
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  1. alex

    first?

  2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    *earth splits in half and satan rears his ugly head*

    ITS ENDING!!!!!!

    Hurry everyone masturbate furiously before she gets pregnant and fat… with any luck she will “suffer” from the Scary Spice bounceback hotness syndrome.

  3. Nooo

    First?

  4. RENEE...

    Why are all these anorexic twigs able to get pregnant? I thought your period stopped after you starved yourself too much. Anyways, guess thats the end of her career; no more hard body…and its the only thing she had going for her.

  5. NOOOOOOO!!!

    ALL IS LOST!!!

    ALL ISSS LOOOST!!!

    The day of reckoning is upon us!! Hurry everyone masturbate furiously before she gets fat and begins showing signs of a human growing in her womb!!

    With any luck she will suffer from Scary Spice bounce back syndrome and return to us with bigger tatas… a rounder ass… and even hotter body.

  6. ph7

    That baby will ruin her tight little body.

    What a shame.

  7. Kris

    Given that half her career is based on her being half-naked, this should be interesting.

    Jessie, sweetie, just don’t follow Bwitney’s pregnant/maternal ways. Also, don’t go all Gwyneth Paltrow and name your kid Apple. Got it? Good. Now shut up and fart out your kid.

  8. Will any of these celebutards ever get married before they get pregnant?

  9. Sheva

    It’s over. Time to Cash in.

  10. Gerald_Tarrant

    Wow, just wow.

    And with such a douche like him. Wait, he’s not a douche, they have a purpose in life. He is used douche water.

  11. Mdiz

    Damn, another bastard kid i am going to have to skip payments on.

  12. Auntie Kryst

    You’d think Jessica would have the sense to rent a womb, I mean employ a surrogate mother, to protect her figure. I agree with Kris, they better not invent some new fuckard Hollywood name. Then again she’s dating a douche named “Cash”. What the fuck kind of name is that? Is this going to put a hold on filming for the 3rd installment of the Fantastic 4? Which, by the way, I was just made aware there were actually two previous movies that already were in theaters.

  13. sally o'mally

    i think it’s awesome that she’s having a baby by a black man.

  14. Ascil

    Let’s see if She, Evan and Nicole FIGHT against Britney ~~WOOOHOOO~~~ who shall turn out to be the worst mother?????????????

  15. The White Urkle

    Ha! That is funny. In the beginning of her career she was all-angelic and saying she would never do nude scenes. Now here she is nocked up and not even married.

    Good job! The only up side to this is her tits will get huge.

    #9, LOL that was a good one!

  16. Superbad

    what will be the name? Credit Warren

  17. woodhorse

    #9 – Yes, I think that’s what happened.

  18. 1 legged jezebel

    awesome move jessica. get knocked up by a guy who clearly doesn’t want to commit to you. sure, keep thinking the baby will bring you two “closer”. actually, he’s probably already looking around for backup trim since your ass is going to be fat, grumpy, and useless for the next year.

  19. veggi

    Maybe when she turns into a fat pregnant pig she’ll get her ass back.

  20. woodhorse

    Guys, look at the photos: who would you rather have for a wife – the pretty smiling woman above or the woman in the red bra in the photo next to her? Let’s hope those are not before and after photos.

  21. Bob

    She’s worthless as an actor, and the only thing that sells her “movies” are her looks.

  22. Hmm...

    I guess she had to resort to a shot gun wedding since he didn’t want to marry her last time.

  23. SKANK BURRITO

    KNOCK UP YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT WITH NO MENTION OF MARRIAGE IS JUST LIKE A BLACK MAN.

  24. I'mSorryIDon'tCare

    I gotta tell ya this information is useless. While Jessica is ripping pretty she is a retched actress. Maybe she’ll make a better mother.

  25. Martina

    SHOCKER!!!

    at least it´s not amy who`s pregnant

  26. sidv

    I think this is going to bring new depth and dimension to her dramatic performances. Of course she’s already so talented that it might be impossible for her to get any better. I simply can’t think of another actress that can convey vapidity or confusion the way Miss Alba does.

  27. ……………………………………..I’M DEFFINITELY SURE IT’S NOT MINE!!

  28. stupid bitches make me sick

    cash warren must have the penis of a god. he’s got this dumb ho pregnant and he’s STILL not marrying her.

  29. who cares?
    she’s the most overrated Hollywood actress ever (in the looks department). She managed to look hot in Sin City thanks to the special effects, airbrushing, digitally enhancing, gallons of makeup put on by the best professional makeup artist after 6 hours sitting on his chair and by the best team of stylists, in scenes, angles and moves only intended and trying the hardest possible to make her look “hot” and making people horny. After that, for some stupid reason she got glorified as being “oh so hot”, but she isn’t. Any other chick who had played the role she played in Sin City would have looked the same or better… it’s just movie, makeup and special effects magic. (And funny enough, Jessica Alba is the total opposite in real life of the role she played in Sin City, looks and personality wise). I don’t think she is hot at all, not even close, and I have yet to see a non airbrushed, coated in gallons of makeup, non professional and digitally enhanced picture of her in which she looks near somehow attractive or pretty.
    Her body is average, skinny and curveless as a stick, flat butt, flat chest, waist almost as wide as her hips. Her face is ok, not ugly put not pretty either. I’d say she’s simply average and extremely overrated and glorified.
    I hope she enjoys her baby.

  30. part-time hater

    maybe she’ll stop acting. the gods have answered my cries.

  31. lg

    Fish, now that I’ve found out your real name, you’re in trouble.

  32. kirsten

    I wonder if she got pregnant on purpose to get him to commit to her…that’s a good move. It always works. Ask any of the single mom 16 year olds pushing strollers at the Gateway Mall.

  33. Don't Blame Cash

    #23

    It was probably Jessica’s intention to be pregnant. She wanted that months ago but Cash was not ready to commit to her. So she had to trap him.

    Obviously you don’t need to have both people on contraceptive. Jessica could have been on it if she really did not want to get pregnant. But either she is too dumb, too desperate to get married to Cash, or both.

  34. My Respect for Cash

    #28

    Cash is smart enough to know that Alba is a fuck material, but too dumb and boring to be a marriage material.

  35. MindRiot

    Overrated? Bullshit. She is hot. She ALWAYS looks hot.

  36. yukadoozer

    Ready to destroy her figure already??

  37. veggi (could care less)

    19 wasn’t me…..

    anyway………………………….. I wonder what Anexio has to say about this. Something like…………. Give the baby to the light of the rainbow? Come here Anexio!!! I need a pick me up!..

  38. sam

    Since nobody goes to see her movies, she had to find some way to get publicity. This should buy her another year of tabloid coverage but the clock is ticking on this acting career. And judging by her fat mother she’s not going to bounce back easily.

  39. Danni

    #35
    oh c’mon honey, you’re so 2005.
    get updated and go find a new average chick to glorify, ’cause Alba’s allegedy (but non existing) “hotness” got forgotten long ago, and ’cause that’s the closest you’ll ever be to touching a woman in your life, loser.

  40. Suck my balls

    Hey douchebags…..
    Balls Mahoney is a wrestler, most famous from his days in Extreme Championship Wrestling.

    That is all.

  41. for shame

    hmmm, in other news, douchebags watch wrestling.

  42. Why do you all say she is going to ruin her body? She could be a Heidi Klum or Denise Richards and look hot again…I had 2 kids and my body is better then ever due to the fact that i exercised a lot to loose the weight and the benefit was more tone and better over all look.

  43. dr. phil

    bastards are the new “it” item in hollywood. no wonder teen pregnancy rates are soaring.

  44. lots of hollywood kids are bastards, it's not like they care.

    But either she is too dumb, too desperate to get married to Cash, or both.

    33 and 32
    maybe she just wants a baby and not a husband?
    unlike regular women or 16 year old girls at the Gateway Mall she can afford to do it and not get married.
    And if they got married and divorced, he would prob get half of her money , not the other way around, because I THINK she has more money than him ( maybe not , I don’t know who he is ).

  45. lentista

    all i can say is… lucky BASTARD. why cant i prego a actress and get rich…..lol

  46. well now

    #44

    maybe cash doesn’t want to marry her. remember when she dumped him earlier this year and then two weeks later went running back. he only wants to play house with her. he doesn’t want to marry her. it’s stupid to have kids with someone who doesn’t love you regardless of how much money you have. money doesn’t replace a dad.

  47. steve

    Her attempts at acting always put a smile on my face. What am I supposed to do for fun when she takes a break from making her laughable movies?

  48. #42 it’s lose, not loose

    5th grade spelling bee champion here!!!!!..

  49. Yeah she seriously cannot act. but she looks damn good

  50. 2 shiny pennies

    cash is a smart man. he’s had her in her prime and will get to keep tagging her when he comes to visit the kid. meanwhile he can go off and marry a hot yale graduate who he can having amazing sex and stimulating conversation with. he’s not trying to marry this dumb whore. she’s about a interesting as a mango. she serves no other purpose than taking cock in all of her openings and then getting the fuck out afterwards. but maybe she’ll be a good mom.

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