Jessica Alba has to be adopted

January 7th, 2009 // 99 Comments

At first I thought these were shots of Jessica Alba having an intervention with Kathy Griffin about swallowing small children whole. So, imagine my surprise when I found out that’s Jessica’s mom Catherine Alba. I don’t even know how someone pisses off God to the point where he lets gravity use you as a punching bag then gives you Jessica Alba as a daughter to rub it in. I can only assume Catherine once punched a nun. On the Sabbath. With a Harry Potter book.


  1. simbaa1

    Not to disparage Jessica, however, I’m guessing that Jessica is the product of the kind of date her mom had where the guy wakes up and goes ‘holy shit…was I that drunk?’

  2. TheMunger

    #20….Damn you, now I have to go watch Total Recall again just to compare..F’in hilarious!

  3. Ummm...yeah...

    Her mom looks like a fuckin cow and Jessica aint no prize either. Pure white trash. Just look at them. Hey Bessie, been to KMart lately?

  4. Grizzlies

    same nose, same mouth

  5. PTG

    Here’s to lookin’ at the future boys.

  6. authorego

    It seems to me she should have some respect for her gravy train/meal ticket and worn a T-shirt that said “Beth Ditto” so Jessica won’t suffer.

  7. 12=32

    @ 27: We are not judging a book by its cover, we are judging a woman by her weight….like totally different.

    I don’t get why people are saying that Jessica Alba will turn out like her mom, as if even if that were to happen your lives would be better all of the sudden. Get over it.
    Also, you call the writer a douche, but then again you keep visiting this site. There is a reason why it’s called THE SUPERFICIAL!!!

    a: concerned only with the obvious or apparent
    b: seen on the surface : external
    c: presenting only an appearance without substance or significance

    We don’t care if that’s the mom or mother Theresa and it doesn’t have to be “slow news day” as some of you keep posting on every other article. It’s all shallow!!! Pick up a girls diary if you want other type of “cute meaningful” news…geez…!

    Oh and @ 20, I didn’t get the 2 weeks…please explain?

  8. Liam

    you are so mean the woman looks absolutely fine and you are all ugly impotent nasty creatures. shame on you

  9. MJJ

    That’s her biological mother.

    Same nose, same mouth, same toes!

  10. Laura

    Uncool. Catherine Alba is not a celebrity and especially didn’t sign up to be made fun of.

  11. Julie Ann

    Everyone knows the law of nature…hot people have unattractive kids, unattractive people have hot kids. Everyone once in a while this theory is proven wrong..but..unfortunately, it tends to stick.

    Case and point above!

  12. authorego

    I know I’m not funny. I try to act like I have a dry sense of humor, but it’s not working. Please forgive me. I tried.

  13. extracheeseplease

    Obviously.She gets her looks from the mexican side of family.obviously.

  14. Chris

    Jessica Alba’s dad must be one good looking motherfucker!!!!!!!!

  15. :)

    Jessica has talked openly on a few shows about how she struggled with major weight issues growing up, and how she was very obese as a child.
    So its not too surprising her mother is overweight.
    C’mon guys, do your research!

  16. lola richie

    A SHAME! HER MOTHER HAS GORGEOUS FEATURES AND SHE just couldn’t put down the fork. Being obese is the physical evidence of gluttony unless you have an (extremely rare) medical condition. If she took care of herself she may look better than her daughter.

  17. WTB

    Wow, Superficial Writer. Usually you make me laugh, but this one made me cringe. Not cool.

  18. chezdoodle

    Parents and kids are out of bounds fish. you are weak

  19. autumn

    22: Shes half Mexican or something. Not black.


  21. dude

    Give her a break. That’s her friggin mom for christsakes.

    Slow news day, eh Fish?

  22. PennyLane

    Most of you are so mean!
    Don´t you have any manors???
    I feel sorry for everyone who made fun of Jessicas mom.
    It wouldn´t surprise me if most of you with mean comment are americans.
    Here in Europe people aren´t that stupid..

  23. CAA

    Superficial or NOT……it’s one thing to pick the celebs to pieces but quite another to attack their OUT of the spotlight family members.
    There’s obviously a great many very small people who’ll say anything to make themselves feel superior………

  24. yuki

    it doesn’t mean that she’s gonna be fat just becoz her mom is fat..

  25. Cate

    Gosh..people are so mean. Her mom has a pretty face…Just because she’s over weight doesn’t mean she’s ugly! I take offence because my mom is over weight as well and I’m thin. just because one parent is a fat doesn’t mean you’re going to turn out that way in the future!! ! Maybe Jessica’s dad is thin and she takes after him/ – Besides some people eat for emotional reasons, it has nothing to do with having fat genes/ . Jessica’s mom can loose the weight/

  26. Md

    Is it just me or is she not hot anymore (Alba) the mom was probably pretty hot like 500 years ago (she just looks like that I was super hot before I ate my house kind of woman, her house must have been made of butter me thinks) but I don’t care about her. Anyway back to Alba, i knew once she had that “you have to stay with me now” guilt baby that she would loose her hotness, not that she would pork out or anything, but I am now seeing that is a big genetic possibility, but just that she would loose it somehow, Alba is a girl who cannot really be hot as a mom, her hotness was based on being a young free girl, she just doesn’t work as a milf, she just seems irrelevant now or at the very least she’ll never be as hot as she was. She has peeked for sure, the prom is over princess. Also why do chicks dress like this, lately she dresses like crap, all those stupid scarves, LAME.

    Also I guess we all see why Alba got so skinny pre-baby, she clearly fears turning into her Mom.
    Wait maybe that’s her Mom and Dad, Maybe Alba’s Mom ate Alba’s Dad, she does look kinda testosterony for a shething. I shall call her Momdad Griffin (because yarce she do look like Kathy Griffin the female leprachaun; sheprechaun, ok no more word combo’s for me).

  27. carrot

    Jesica has said her Dad is overweight and she worries about being overweight someday. Hmmmm I guess it’s okay to call Dad fat, but not Mom.

  28. huixian

    remember the song by
    ‘she got it from her mama’.

    haha i love irony

  29. cruz

    I’d do her. Catherine, I mean.

  30. Sarah

    That’s Jessica in 20 years.

  31. Beeotch

    @ 47

    You are 100% on point.

    Apparently, Alba’s entire family is obese. That is why Jessica is so obsessive about her appearance; she is terrified that she is going to end up like the rest of her family.

  32. Someone

    Now the secret’s out.
    Jessica Alba originally had a twin. But guess who was hungry and ate her?

  33. kagrez

    Both of them are pretty ugly in these pics.

  34. Chelle

    I think her mom looks….like a mom. You know, a regular mom that cooks dinner and does the laundry and yells at you to get off the phone and do your homework.

    After seeing the freakish likes of Lindsay Lohan’s parents and Britney Spears’ parents, it’s kind of nice to see a celebrity that has a mother that looks like a regular person instead of a drinky, bleached out, overly-made-up paparazzi hound that pimps out her own kids.

  35. herbiefrog


    you’re a mom now ?

  36. Kimberly

    Sorry for all you Jessica Alba lovers out there, but it’s right all the time…that’s what she’ll look like in 20 years.

  37. nah. she wont turn up to be like this.

    in her first few interviews, she was talking abt how she started cooking her own food at 12 to avoid the unhealthy eating habits of her family coz all of them are obese.

    that means she got discipline and will power to not put on that much weight as her mom did.

    look at her post baby. she doesnt look like she ever gotten pregnant b4 this pic was taken.

  38. qwerty

    Jokes about someone’s mother just because she’s obese?Really?
    Are we in kindergarten again?
    I’d never pegged you for sb who’d sink that low.
    Your comments were never nice,not even close,but that’s just your trademark.
    And so it was knowing when to stop…until now.

  39. Narcissist

    I also read where she started preparing her own meals around 12 yrs. old to avoid this happening to her.

    Jessica has different shoes in the earlier and later pics.

    @ 20 – Now git yah ahs too Mahs. GEYAAHHYAAHAHA! Damn it, giv dem de eauh!

  40. Narcissist

    @72 – Like Wayne Manor?

  41. me

    #72 – Good try, but Europeans are just as capable of bad “manors” as anyone.

    Jeans weren’t made for every body type, were they?

  42. Homojoe

    This story is really, really, really mean… but funny.

  43. v tard

    Somebody needs to dig up old photos of Catherine Alba and see what she looked like at 19 – 24 years old. She might have been a looker. Dare I say maybe even hotter than her daughter at the same age.

  44. MM M

    What is wrong with you people? Fat is merely a perception of the times. You shoud all be askng yourselves how you would appear in a split second of a day walking down the street next to someone incredibly thin and likely less than half you age. Next, you are talking shitz about somebodies momma. Id have to skool you all, were I Jesica. And then there is the fact that the media is doing an excellant job in making you all starve yourselves into nothingness, into severely compromised states of health so that you sucomb to toxins in your daily routines sooo much quicker, therefore decreasing the surplus population. You are all too stupid to see it. Sheep.

  45. Lori

    #1 not everyone is skinny in this world like the movie stars are.
    #2 Her mom looks fine.
    This article is just not nice at all.

  46. dickspitz

    Now i know where Jessica got those fat, fleshy ass cheeks from! “Now, if you’ll excuse us, Mrs. Alba, it’s time for me to fuck the shit outta yer daughter’s asshole!

  47. anonymouse alba fan

    some of these people are so friggin picky
    so what if her mom doesnt look like her…what if she got something from her mom and DAD,did you forget about him…geesh
    dont talk like that or think like that ,going on the internet posting stupid stuff you dont know…it makes you seem like the “pissy,jackasses”
    like honestly…my mom has like the best nose out of my whole family…but you can tell my grandma has the same nose..but me,i look way different from my mom,but i look alot like my dad.And i know why you guys are basically picking on jessicas mom,because shes a little more what?would you like it if someone posted a stupid blog about how you and your mom that you guys arent like “related” or your “ADOPTED” i honestly think thats really messed up..this whole thing is a waste of time..just go ask jessica or her MOM your self,and ask her for the papers and shit.Not like she’ll really give it to you.but its a remote possibilty,jessica walks around hollywood or love to see you people get smacked by her.

  48. that anon again

    hey,arent you guys happy you guys arent a celebrity having paps in your face while your trying to have a great time with your mom(nothing gross.)..ALONE
    and im pretty sure,id be making that exact face to.

  49. All men here today haters. I toss around for the right mother if I knew that whatever my daughter wanted to I would get a full night. Jessica is still hot and the only reason he’s all for the camera and just normal clothes glamored he is not hanging in what is called boyish.

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