Jessica Alba has a decent body…I guess

August 24th, 2007 // 167 Comments

I took a survey of the leading causes that make grown men cry, and Jessica Alba’s ass came in at number one, right above a lemon being squeezed into your eye. I don’t even know why anymore. I mean she’s hot, but she’s not that hot. For some reason the idea of Jessica Alba has become infinitely hotter than Jessica Alba herself. She’s like a legend now, and tales of her hotness have surpassed her actual hotness. When they talk about her in the future it won’t even be her anymore. It’ll be tales of a creature so beautiful you have to whisper her name, and every time somebody says it the entire room will go “Oooh” and “Ahhh.”


  1. click on my name to see the link..

  2. jujubees

    this post is hilarious. and true! she’s pretty, no doubt, but not all that special or striking. line up all the pretty actresses/models/singers out there and she’d fall somewhere smack in the middle

  3. good heavens thats nice

  4. tory

    her looks are racially ambiguous so she appeals to a larger group of people than some generic hot blonde chick.

    like we all know she’s part latina, but she played half-black in “Honey”, half-Indonesian in “The Sleeping Dictionary”, and blonde-blue-eyed full on Aryan looking in “Fantastic Four”. while it certainly isn’t the greatest casting she’s decently passable enough as all of those if you style her right.

    it’s called “crossover appeal” and it gives her a leg up on actresses who are much better than she is. widespread appeal across cultures = more fans = more ticket sales. her talent as an actress or lackthereof is irrelevant. producers count on her to make money

  5. Johnnie Mitchell

    Shes hotter then a firecracker in July !!!

  6. sum dum goy

    more trashy whores i love this country

  7. Kareem Ofwheat

    You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein? It’s all makeup and grunting… grrrrrrrrr!!

  8. salmon

    EXACTLY hehehe

  9. Kabukenbo

    The woman on the right is Jessica Alba from the future.

  10. Vera De Milo

    @80 Are you serious? She’s better than average. I feel like I’m average and guys still come up and hit on me. She’s much prettier than I am and you’re a liar if you don’t think men wouldn’t take notice of her if she was walking down the street.

  11. starscanfrighten

    I just don’t get it. There’s nothing unique about this chick. The pants are cheesy and unflattering, so are the shoes, and her posture in this picture makes her look desperate for attention. I suppose if you like scrawny legs and ass, then she’s your girl.

  12. S4R4H


  13. Al

    I pray to Pazuzu, He Who Screams across the Waste, that I might be granted the opportunity to squeeze the breath from your neck and watch your light fade.

    Seriously, though, she looks pretty nice there.

  14. dd

    alba is simply sexy. don’t hate. you all know her body is the shit.

  15. She is so hot that the big Mexican woman in the shot staring at her even wet herself just a little bit, look you can see something.

  16. my comment

    Alba is as common as dirt.

  17. 1BadGoat

    Reply to #7 -

    She’s thinking – “Rachel, comment #7, will point out the obvious about how fat I am . . . ?”

  18. Cheeto Fingers

    Stop making these crude comments about that unfortunate women that just happened to be standing in the same area as Alba. I mean I’m sure you’re all superhot and resemble greek gods and super models right? Yeah of course you are. All really attractive, intelligent, successful people sit around on their asses all day posting to blogs.

  19. starscanfrighten

    just like you, cheeto fingers.

  20. Jessica Alba is wonderful!
    The photo has been made about Jess Alba, and I think, Cheeto Fingers is in right (a bit:)): lets write about Jessica.

  21. superstar

    Wow. Men really sit in their computer chairs masturbating over Jessica Alba’s ass? I thought it was her feet?

  22. nagger please

    Just great….. I masturbated and my splooge landed on the other woman…

  23. Hannah


  24. hilary

    i dunno… im watching the teen choice awards right now.

    she looks pretty smokin.

  25. Walizalawonga

    And all this time I thought I was the only person who couldn’t understand the fuss over Jessica Alba. She’s hot, but by no means is she exceptionally beautiful.

  26. Spazzie

    The chick at the back is what Jessica Alba will look like in 2027.

  27. gerard Vandenberg

    ……..She has a damn well sexy body indeed!!

  28. mike schlockenbach

    She is very pretty but that is it. No passion in her, nothing sexual whatsoever in her. No Fire in her

  29. Kim

    I like how the photographer/papparazzo felt the need to include the fat lady in the background. Way to ruin a woman’s self-image than to be pictured next to Jessica Alba.

    How is Jessica Alba the epitome of a hot body? I personally can’t wait until she becomes old news. I really don’t think she has much to contribute than good looks. She’s been saying in magazine articles for the past 3 or 4 years, “I don’t want to be know for being hot. I want serious roles!!!” But look at what she’s been in lately: Sin City, Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four 2, Into the Blue (or whatever the hell that bombed movie was called), Good Luck Chuck, …. Really, Jess, really?

  30. Quinn

    I did see her a few times and she was the grumpiest, least attractive person I’d ever seen. She was still okay-looking, like the cranky girl in highschool that everyone likes, but only because other girls in highschool have acne and over-dyed hair.

  31. iren33

    She is overrated and annoying.But her body is hot(thougth her face not)

  32. The loonies hate this girl. That makes her aces in my book
    For Brangelina haters

  33. Jimmy The Greek

    Wonder if she speaks English…
    Does she have a green card?
    Hey waitress,can I have some cheese dip to go along with those chips?

  34. Morning Wood

    Obvious Fish doesn’t leave the house much…
    Yea its hot in Mexico, but this is an average wetback blue jean butt.


  35. She was PHAT (Pretty, Hot, And, Tempting) in Idle Hands. Sexy as hell in Dark Angel and Sin City. And HOT in the Fantastic Four Movies. But I have to admit, she is a little too thin in that particular picture. But who am I kidding, I (along with everyone else that has posted), would hit “IT ” if given the chance. As far as AZZes go, Jessica Biel has the best AZZ in Hollywood !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  36. Oh yeah, she looked PRETTY good in ” Into the Blue ” as well !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  37. Joe

    Why are guys turning into pedos nowadays? she has the body of a freaking 12 year old! no ass, no legs or hips, (also no talent) Non pregnant Selma Hayek, now that’s a woman!

  38. RichPort

    Other than the fact the she blew me behind the dumpster in a Denny’s parking lot in the summer of ’02, why exactly is she famous again?

  39. wedgeone

    I don’t know why people are feeling bad for that disgusting fatbody in the background. She gave up the right to be shielded from criticism when she decided to become a water buffalo.

  40. lambman

    “For some reason the idea of Jessica Alba has become infinitely hotter than Jessica Alba herself. ”

    Thanks for hitting the nail on the head! Seriously, this girl is definetly pretty and in good shape….I just don’t at all get the obsession with her, there are tons of equally hot girls and she has 0 talent and a bad personality

  41. Karina (Argentina)

    To the writer: You read my mind! When I knew she was chosen Hottest woman of the year or something of the sort, I was “hello! Jessiba Alba the hottest! K´mon!” Even Jennifer Aniston is hotter !

  42. AmeriCanadian

    I hate her shoes…they’re hideous. I think she looks ok but my mexican friend when I asked him what he thinks of her “I’d pay that bitch to wash my floors” LOL. He doesn’t think she’s hot at all.

  43. ya ya

    xxxxxxxxx Clean your shoes, ghetto girl.

    No ass.

  44. shut up already

    She’s got an alien head, and a flat ass. Next.

  45. bettiep

    Too skinny! and she is only voted Sexiest when one of her movies is about to come out. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Those lists are so ridiculous! I can think of tons of women who are 50 times hotter than this overrated, Herpes ho!

  46. ya ya

    xxxx She is not beautiful. She’s skinny, her head is huge and she’s had a nose job.

  47. walker

    xxxxx What a c*ck tease. Damn. The slut in her is screaming to come out.

    I definitely got the message Jessica. So, you like to sleep around, and have sex with a guy on the first date? Uh huh.

    Derek and Marky Mark should know, right? YYYeeeaaahhh!

  48. She isn’t even cute. She’s average, with or without makeup. I don’t like her one bit. She’s the anti-hotness in my opinion. Her body is a flat stick with no ass and no boobs and no curves of any sort (do some of you people know what “curves” are? curves are not fat, curves are the perfect female shape )(, not || like Alba’s body is shaped, which is more like a man’s or a 10 year old boy body. Curves = Kim Kardashian, now that’s one helluva piece of hot ass and stunning girl. And the fact that Alba is sooo extremely overrated makes it even worse, I’m so fucking sick of her and of her overratedness that everytime someone says she’s “hot” or anything special (actually, each day less and less, a little justice is being made) makes me want to puch them in the face and tell them “go get glasses” and simply show them what an actual hot woman looks like. Just look at her, geez, look at that freaking picture, what is there to like about her? she’s soo average. There’s no way anyone can find that slightly hot. I’m sure most of the comments who said she was “hot” are from ugly females and from sheep who don’t even know what they’re saying, they say “hot” like they could say “blonde”.
    Alba is no better than any ok looking girl walking down the street.
    If she manages to look decent in some promo pics/movies, it’s all thanks to the magic and wonders of photoshoping, airbrushing, digitally enhancing and stylism/makeup artistry. Nothing true, only pure fiction. Any ok looking girl would look the same and many way better with all that shit done.
    But some of you people are way too ignorant. Anyone who finds this chick hot is truly pitiful. And she’s boring as hell too. It wouldn’t hurt that she cleaned her shoes either – gross.

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