Jessica Alba can wake me up anytime, but not before noon

November 15th, 2007 // 104 Comments
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Jessica Alba poses on the red carpet during the premiere of Awake in New York last night. Wow, I’ll tell you something that is awake after looking at these pictures. Aw, is someone grumpy this morning? You want some coffee? No, you’re going straight for the liquor cabinet. I don’t really think schnapps is part of a balanced breakfast. Oh, again with the laser beams. Very cute. Jesus! You blew up the toaster! Great, what if I wanted some tasty Eggo waffles? Just drink your schnapps and watch cartoons – or, okay, porn, fine whatever. So, uh, listen, about your part of the rent. Hey, power down those balls when I’m talking to you.

Photos: Getty Images, Splash News, Bauer-Griffin.com, Pacific Coast News
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  1. jodi

    Fish, why are you constantly changing the order of stuff you’ve posted today?
    Okay the title of this one is hilarious, “she can wake me up anytime, but not before noon” but Jessica whatever her name is, is REALLY lame.
    So stop it! Why has it moved all the way to the top???
    Post something new. Maybe a piece on her supposed herpes? because seeing that in the post above has made me semi-interested in her. But I haven’t heard anything her having diseases…it sure would amuse me though.

  2. She is so beautiful. Her nude profile and some of her nude photos were found on a nudist date site named http://www.nudistonly.com . I am curious why she was there ? Is she a nudist ? Anyone knows ?

  3. jacknasty

    is she wearing a padded bra with nipples? clearly that thing has padding built in.

  4. mama ying

    Black stockings with silver shoes? Hello, does she have a stylist?

    She’s ok, a little plain and very forgettable.

  5. Dr.Binky

    Mr. Dick Richards.
    I think you’re taking this ‘relationship’ thing too seriously. You been reading too many Cosmos.
    Never worry about moving on.(Unless you got screwed in a prenup.)
    Life is a bunch of stepping stones. Everyone hops to a next one, sometimes planned – sometimes not.
    Sometimes two people hopping together – they end up back to back – you’re going opposite directions. Life is short.
    Feel free to continue your plan to save the world.

  6. Binky

    (IE # 49 and related You’ll probably right – she could be a bitch.
    But there’s something about those eyes……)

  7. lol@DrBinky

    anyway…..
    That’s sort of what i was thinking jacknasty.
    Her dress is weird. The dress looks like it’s see through but..it’s not? Nipples?

  8. birkin

    The beautiful brunette is one of the two designers for Marchesa; her name is Georgina Chapman. Yes, she’s not the model, she’s the designer. I’m gonna say she’s prettier and more talented than Alba, but Alba is still quite pretty.

  9. Soy

    widows dress with Silver shoes …uuuhg

  10. elva

    do you think she looks different froom others, maybe just this photo, because she looks cool. but her photos in her profile on a dating site called sugarcupid.com are very hot, she is a girl of many sites.

  11. she gotta get rid of the pantyhose..

  12. Dick Richards

    #59? I didn’t understand not-a word you typed. Me, “saving” the world? Are you fucking serious? Please, never direct a comment towards me again. Thank you.

  13. #60 Well ok. OOps
    “You’re * probably right ” would work there as well.

  14. Binky

    #66
    Dick get a grip. Put away the Cosmo and the Men’s Health.
    Don’t worry about the abs.
    If the ‘bitch is back’ – the ‘bitch is back’ as they say.
    Chill. Move on.

  15. calz

    who cares about alba

    shes overexposed and uninteresting

    HAYDEN is where the HOTTNESS if resonating from !

    MORE HAYDEN!

  16. jen

    I’ll tell you something that’s awake and meowing after seeing that pic of Hayden Christensen.

  17. Helen Gurney

    #62: It’s not Georgina Asschaps (whoever that is); it’s Rachel Bilson.

  18. charm

    That is not rachel bilson, it doesn’t even look like her!

  19. John

    She looked sexiest when she did Dark Angel – She suits straight black hair.

    Now she just looks like every other model – except in miniture.

  20. debby k.

    She is an idiot. Has anyone ever heard her speak? That takes away any chance of her being attractive.

  21. dannyb

    Standing next to that girl is probably not a good career move for Alba. She has the perfect bone structure. Alba needs to stick to standing next to Eva Longoria.

  22. Oprah

    Hey Fish! Wake up! I don’t visit often anymore and I’m getting slightly impatient waiting for a new post. I’m feeling really sorry for Mr. D. Richards who must have gone through a bitter divorce or break up or something….

  23. Narcissist

    Jessica Alba knows about HOSIERY. Other women should learn about HOSIERY.
    I don’t like those shoes much, though.

  24. 77–Hosiery–like give a hose job? hehe Hosiery is so last year though and only oldsters wear it. The same for panties.
    Those shoes say “cheap” and are oddly appropriate.

  25. Hey maybe Fish is on a writer’s strike too? WTF? Where’s the fluff (that is an allusion to the 80′s “Where’s the Beef” commercials of yore kids)!?

  26. Hey Oprah! Did you know that I have a crush on “Cowgirl”? I dream about her all the time. maybe I can go on your show and jump on the couch and announce it?

  27. I'mnotgayIswear

    Damn Hayden is a good looking man (he’s Canadian of course).

  28. This is exactly the one and only most important reason you’ll never make it to the TOP-SPOT. Well, it’s nice to know though…………….ADIOS YOU DUMB ASS!!

  29. johnnyb

    Yes, #62. The stunning brunette is definitely prettier than Alba. And unless people laugh at her designs the way they do at Alba’s acting, she is also definitely more talented.

  30. Dog the Bounty Hunter

    She looks like every other cleaning lady from south of the border.
    Get back to scrubbing my toilet, bitch.

  31. keri

    #69

    what are you talking about??
    Hayden is the perfect example of overexposure.
    Her picture should be in the dictionaries/thesaurus etc next to the word and they won’t need to even explain what it means.
    One look at her and you will understand.

    She was overdone about a week after Heroes premiered.

  32. Testing

    testing

  33. Testing

    testing

  34. AJ

    I feel sorry for Alba, in a scale of hotness from 0 to 10 being 0 really fucking disgusting, being 5 ok hot and being 10 really fucking hot, she is a 3.

    Go get plastic surgery, monkey face. Your 15 minutes are soo over. There’s no way for this ultra-overrated average lady or the money-hungry media to sell us that she is ‘hot’ anymore, especially with goddesses like Kim Kardashian walking around.

    The sad thing is that anyone ever considered her hot based on seeing ultra-photoshoped and airbrushed digitally enhanced special effect images and pictures of her coated in gallons of makeup after being on the makeup artist’s chair for 15 hours. She has never been hot, and the only reason some people said she was hot was based on that, but reality ends up paying off, and there’s no way you can make anyone think you’re at least slightly hot looking like that in real non-photoshoped or digitally enhanced images or pictures, no matter in how many digitally enhanced crap you or special-effect-ed movies trying your hardest you appear. Even gallons of makeup can’t make Alba look slightly hot in -real- pictures.

  35. She needs to ask Kim Kardashian to lend her some ass, some boobs, some curves and some hotness, ’cause man is she lacking all that.

  36. jma

    jessica is HOTTTT cn wait to see the film
    wooooo jessica I LOVE YOU

  37. I agree

    #88

    She isn’t even hot in the airbrushed photos.
    What happened was the mens mags told men that she was hot and they all just went along with it. Same with Jessica Biel and a host of other fugly people.

    Who told/ paid the mens mags to make that happen? I don’t know.

  38. I agree

    #88

    She isn’t even hot in the airbrushed photos.
    What happened was the mens mags told men that she was hot and they all just went along with it. Same with Jessica Biel and a host of other fugly people.

    Who told/ paid the mens mags to make that happen? I don’t know.

  39. Queefer Bukakke

    My dick just exploded.

  40. Hot! Jessia

    Jessica is sexiest lady by the celeb and millionaire singles club millionairecupid.com. Her ablums is the hottest ablum I’ve ever seen. I also saw her personal blogs posted on that website. It’s quite active.

  41. blizzy

    @52/54 – It’s in the news that you make shit up…but at least i laughed for a minute. Well not laughed, more like a giggle.

    okay okay maybe it was a burp, but the intent is what matters and I intended to laugh; like you intended to be funny. ;D

  42. Blizzy Is In Denial

    #95

    http://news.softpedia.com/news/Derek-Jeter-Gave-Jessica-Alba-Herpes-62486.shtml

    Why would anyone make shit up, sweetie? You didn’t by any chance think that your ugly face could make any girl jealous and therefore prompted her to make up a story?

    How do I know you’re ugly? Only a boy who is so inexperienced and ugly who had never had sex with a (real) hot girl would actually think of of the word mommy when talking about Jessica Alba. Does mommy pack your lunch too, sweetie?

  43. Anna Katherine

    Dane Cook! Laser beam out of cock and power down your balls. Can you shoot sphegetti (I know I spelled it wrong) out of finger tips?

  44. blizzy

    Would be nice if you could read. I never typed mommy.

    Second are you a girl? Cause you seem a bit emo. Jessica is prettier than you, richer, etc. so get over it.

    Trust me, you keep drinking your slim fast and eating special K and you’ll lose that weight in no time at all! Good luck with that.

  45. Blizzy Is Also An Idiot Virgin

    #98

    I can’t believe you’re even too dumb to realize the essence of the word “mommy”. It’s not the word, sweetie, it’s the fact that you actually think of your mom when talking about a celebrity. I thought you at least had sex before, but might not have been with a hot girl. But now I realize that you’ re actually a virgin and have only been whacking your hopefully disease-free (since you are a virgin) penis while looking at posters of a girl with genital herpes.

    Who needs to get over what, my dear virgin? It looks like you need to read more about your fantasy girlfriend since you can’t have a real one. And BTW, Jessica will need to have her Slim Fast more than I do since my waist is 24″. You know what Jessica’s is? 25″

    Seriously, sweetie, I don’t give a damn that you’re so crazy about this girl because frankly you’re too pathetic and inexperienced for anyone to listen to. It’s just that we adults wish you could just accept the facts. That’s part of growing up and getting some experience (and therefore sex from a real girl). If you still want to bring Jessica home to mom even with her genital herpes, no one will mind. But fantasizing about someone and ignoring the unhealthy facts is just not healthy for you, both physically and psychologically. Ask your mom – I’m sure she’ll agree.

    BTW, so does your mom pack your lunch box with Jessica’s pics on it? Does she give you Fantasy Four action figures to play with for your birthdays? Awww… That is so sweet…

  46. Tim

    how can you so sweet! I’m sure you will drive all the men on http://www.naturistspace.org/ crazy!!!

  47. yu can see the bump

    you can see her baby bump in some of the pictures!!! the ones on when she turns to the side especially!!

  48. sillypanda!

    oh gosh, shes pretty but i agree; she doesnt deserve all the hype she gets about her looks.

    plus, those black tights look awful with that otherwise great outfit!

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