Jessica Alba in swimwear, brandishing booze (Is this what Heaven looks like?)

December 2nd, 2008 // 84 Comments

Jessica Alba is featured in the 2009 Campari calendar, and God, she is so brave for posing like this after having a baby. Talk about empowering. It really gives women out there hope that they too can look awesome after child birth. (Provided they have access to a full-time physical trainer and someone who kicks ass at Photoshop.) Don’t stop dreamin’, ladies.

NOTE: I have no idea which pic is which month, but I do know this is Jessica Alba wearing a bathing suit. I win!

Photos: Campari

  1. Dlizze

    Bikini’s are made of two pieces…

  2. Could I be first? Alba! Yes!

  3. Dlizze

    Bikini’s are made of two pieces…

  4. jmg79

    She’s not wearing a bikini

  5. jmg79

    She’s not wearing a bikini

  6. first first


  7. Christina

    Umm… none of those pictures are her in a bikini. She looks great (obviously) but its either a one-piece suit or a dress…

  8. Ryan the Canadian

    Cracked out weekend for the Superficial writer?

  9. Uncle Eccoli

    Another schill.

  10. Anna

    blah blah she doesn’t impress me.

  11. dude, she is smokin! dosnt matter what she wears, I would devour that!

  12. havoc

    Really, booze and any chick named Jessica has potential…..

    What bikini? LOL!!


  13. Turd Ferguson

    Uhhh….that’s not Heaven.

    If it were, she’d be handing ME a drink …..and sticking her hooters in my face.
    and… well, you get the point.

  14. Kahlee

    errr women can get their figure back after childbirth. Some don’t even lose it. You just have to exersize. And will you stop alienating your female readers? Gossip = largely female demographic

  15. <---this number!

    Why is she famous again?

  16. B

    The bikini is a lie.

  17. Rick

    She must have been incredible before that baby head destroyed her pussy.

  18. that one

    what’s up with the brooke shields style eyebrows?

  19. 10pound

    worst bathing suit ever…………..its like they tried to make it “not sexy”

  20. Bill Clinton

    If heaven is photoshopped to the max!
    And Campari tastes like rotten Artichokes!
    Sad when a young beauty becomes a wrinkly MILF.
    She was so hot! Now nothing!

  21. B

    Heh, nice fish, editing the post to remove the word “bikini.”

    Still not so sure any of that is swimwear, but hey, close enough. Bikini posts set off a “click me” alarm, which is not something to be toyed with, or misused.

    Also, if you’re going to listen to us, maybe you could listen to the parts where we complain about EMBEDDED GODDAMN VIDEOS AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN. Maybe you could stop with those? I know Oxygen pays you a lot of money to turn this site into a hideous eyesore, but really…this isn’t better than the ads that play sound, or popups. I know you have to pay the bills, but still…have you actually LOOKED at your site lately? Like, maximize your browser and look at the top of the page. It’s atrocious. Nothing lines up. Everything looks half-assed. Ten years ago, I had geocities pages that looked better. This is really terrible.

  22. NY Ted

    Good Lord…I never knew her tits were so BIG! Wonderful…simply wonderful!

  23. Pink

    OK dont get me wrong jessica alba is a beautiful woman but by the looks of these picts they let her drink the whole photo shoot…she’s either drunk or stoned! look at her “u could blind-fold her with dental floss” eyes!

  24. NY Ted

    Good Lord…I never knew her tits were so BIG! Wonderful…simply wonderful!

  25. NY Ted

    Good Lord…I never knew her tits were so BIG! Wonderful…simply wonderful!

  26. PunkA

    Breastfeeding suits her. That rack is spectacular right now.

    Of course, since she is breastfeeding, she also is not drinking booze. And if she is, BAD BAD mother.

  27. Mike Hawk

    Not a fan

  28. Miss Libra

    She does look great – but notice how many of the photos have something blocking her mid section

  29. Bob

    Yeah, she’s still hot… and doable…

  30. Miss Libra

    She does look great – but notice how many of the photos have something blocking her mid section

  31. p0nk

    i’m not a big fan of herpes.

  32. lulu

    BRAVE? Brave enough to get pictures taken only for them to be photoshopped until she looks perfect?! fucking 200 lb fatass chic could do the same damn thing. doesn’t matter if she just had a kid or not, ‘shoppers erase that xtra shit.

  33. ipa

    so sad, so by the looks of the photoshoot, her stomach must be stretchmarked like hell, otherwise, why wouldn’t she wear a BIKINI??

  34. Reed Richards

    Such an air of self-importance…..yawn, I honestly do not understand what I ever saw in her…

  35. ipa

    btw, #22 is so totally right.

    Fish, you’re my idol, total hero and stuff but DAYUMN! can’t you get fucking rid of these fucking annoying embedded videos?? i have this really small asus pc laptop thingy and your site is toooo damn busy for its small RAM. i don’t even want to mention what utter stupid shit you have to promote with these embedded shit. good thing i always surf on mute.

  36. Not to be a hater but I don’t get whats so hott about this chick. Her lips arent smooth, there full of small lumpy lumps of some sort (herpes?) but most important is her attitude. She is a stuck up bitch of a diva who thinks she is more important than anyone because of losers that tell her how hot she is. I am told I’m hot all the time but I cannot be a bitch if I tried. She is ugly to me inside and out.

  37. Doggy Style

    It loves anal.

  38. Just D-delicious man! even with her stinky attitudes…

  39. ???????

    Is the Fish a faggot now?

    8===D – -(( |==D – -

  40. Urbanspaceman

    Heaven apparently smells like silicone.

  41. venomhed

    Ya, lets see that stomach after a kid or her now lightbulb shaped box. She is washed up. When a woman has a kid, the sex appeal goes down to nil.

    Her stomach probably looks like a Round Table Pizza with extra cheese and she probably says “Are you in yet” to her lover when they have sex.

    Ya, kids are just GREAT!


  42. She’s fucking retarded and can’t act. Plus, she looks like crap unless she has on a ton of makeup or is photoshopped. And now, her pussy is ragged after having a baby push through it – why do we care about her again?

  43. Thigh Highs

    The pics are just really…korny?

  44. She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site “”"” B i l l i o n a i r e p a l . c o m”"”"”" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now? ?????????????????

  45. d

    And she wants to be taken seriously…
    By the way, for those who are overwhelmed by her rack, just one word : photoshop.

  46. Mal


    1. Use Firefox.
    2. Install the AdBlock Plus extension.

    Voila, no ads. Site looks fine for me.

  47. Duke Steele

    Yeah, she is hot but, every time I see her, I can’t help but think shes just a high maintenance,self important, stuck up twat.

  48. elizabeth

    Wow. She looks really good. This is a really good look for her – alot more womanly and glamorous.

  49. ElectrocaineXxX

    She filmed a couple of movies in the city I live in and she was just rude the entire time during both. Everyone treated her with respect and was very accommodating with the filming disruptions around town. But after all was said and done she complained about the city publicly and was simply a bitch in the press.

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