Jessica Alba and Cash Warren get engaged

December 28th, 2007 // 69 Comments

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren hopped on the engagement bandwagon this week. Cash decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica who he met in 2004 on the set of Fantastic Four. It was recently announced that Cash put a baby up in that ass if I’m using the correct medical terminology which I’m 90% sure I am. The Associated Press reports:

“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday.
The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.

I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.

Photos: Splash News

  1. ihatealba


  2. RichPort

    Chotgun wedding, mang.

  3. stephenj

    Good bye career. Hello big azz. Oh yeah first!

  4. gotmilk?

    i’m shocked, really. everyone knows these days that you get knocked up, then engaged. it’s the only recipe for a successful hollywood marriage.

    i like how they say they’ve been together since 2004 to make it seem more legit. more like they’ve been on & off since 2004.

  5. RichPort

    #3 – Hurts so bad, don’t it?

  6. anon

    Haha. Wayne’s World reference.. sweet. :)

  7. I wonder who’s ‘Cashing in’ on this????

  8. Me

    Party time! Excellent!

  9. susan

    Why is Cash’s nose so wide?

  10. Auntie Kryst

    WTF is up with that black dude standing behind them. Look at that huge motherf’n head!

  11. Conscience Found


  12. RichPort

    #11 – Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Oh, and you’re probably right…

    #10 – Isn’t that Keenan from SNL?

    #9 – Because air is free.

  13. hgfhfd

    sorry-but I prefer busty blondes.

  14. Auntie Kryst

    @11 You got a really great ministry going here Conscience, way to spread the loving good word. PS, Those that doth typeth all in capital letters are guilty of the sin of pride. Thou art doomed! Doomed I say!

  15. smckattck

    Can someone call me if and when they ever find her ass.

  16. ph7

    I bet there are fist fights in their house to use the mirror.

  17. D. Richards (Atheist.)

    Who fucking cares about Jessica Alba? She’s a dim bulb.

    #11? A lake-of fire? Do they have slides and rope swings a said lake-of fire? That would be so fucking fun, don’t ya’ think?

    And, #11, you have found your niche in the very competitive world of ‘saving’ souls; The Superficial. Pack your bags, you did it! You just filled your quota. I’m saved!

    You can now ascend to magic world. Heavens filled with ass-kissing nutsacs though, so you may have to climb your way up the janitorial work ladder. But you’ll make it. You’ve got the fire. You’ve got the tough, #11.

  18. uno

    She really isn’t tall enough to be as perfect as everyone thinks she is.

  19. stephenj

    Pic 1 – Alba – “I love that everyone can look past my looks, and see that I’m one of the decades greatest actresses”. Cash – “I know what you mean. My success is directly attributed to my cunning business sense, and not just about who I knock up!”

    Pic 2 – Alba – “I yearn for a normal life. One in which we could walk hand in hand with our bastard love child, and not worry about the ills of fame. Lets ponder what life would be like, without Hollywood, and the paparazzi”

    Pic 3 – Both – “Holy Christ, that would suck!”

    Pic 4 – Cash – “God damn life is great. Just think, in 7 months US weekly will be paying us 1 million for exclusive photo’s. In 8 months I’ll be banging some new, fresh, Hollywood wannabe. In 9 months you’ll will be yesterday’s news. Hey at least I had you in your prime.”

  20. RichPort

    #17 – I disagree.. I’ve swam through a few lakes of fire in my day and other than a few singed hairs, it’s kinda boring. Besides, I kept bumping into Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton, which gets old fast.

  21. funy

    How in god’s name is it a bastard child? They chose to have a child out of wedlock, there’s NOTHING wrong with that. Stupid evangelicals.

  22. shane

    #13 – Doesn’t just about everyone prefer blondes? Especially natural ones. Alba as a blonde looked pretty weird – sort of like a Mexican albino, or should I say Albaino.

  23. He’s cuter than her.
    Gosh, she’s so average. Can’t understand what people see in her or why some people find her attractive.

  24. D

    Congrats, Jessica! the guy didn’t want to marry you, you broke up for 2 weeks because he refused to, you got herpes, you went back to him begging to him to take you back, a month later or so you got intentionally knocked up and now you finally managed to get the guy to marry you.

  25. Sheva

    This guy should have his lawyers ready. Get custody, get paid.
    Cash Warren is average dude no more.

  26. linkue

    Jessica is a cute babe…She was said to have a personal account on a millionaire&celebs online service “” with her hot pictures and blogs there. Quite a few fans and hot guys are found in her circle there.

  27. sb82

    Every time I see a current photo of Jessica , she looks like should be in a Proactiv commercial. She’s always trying to hide her face full of zits with that stupid cap. I guess she got her wish and now people can “get past her hotness.” Misha Barton looks better in her mug shot.

  28. LadyJane

    Did Edna Bambrick figure out how to log on as a different username????

  29. RENEE...

    How the hell are all these anorexic bitches getting pregnant anyways?! I thought the flow stopped once you stopped eating. Oh, maybe she binges and purges instead…Well, either way, she’s probably gonna be purging now…

  30. Ript1&0

    Hey Fish,
    If you’re gonna spew….. Spew into this.

    Nice reference!

  31. lambman

    yawn, Jessica Alba is as boring as she is untalented

  32. hermit crab

    i hope her kids come out dark. that’s the thing about mating with blacks. even if they are light skinned or mixed, there is a potential for the kids to come out darker. that would send jessica in a tailspin.

  33. hank

    Alba can pick anyone in the world and she chooses this unibrow neanderthal? hahaha

  34. 63 % CRAZY

    i’m glad that rich, beautiful celebrity women have to resort to the same low brow tactics to secure a marriage that ordinary women do. they really are just like the rest of us.

  35. #32 – “Mating” with blacks? You’re a regular fucking Crocodile Dundee, aren’t you?

  36. Vince Lombardi

    First, who names their kid “Cash?”

    Second, who the hell IS Cash Warren, and who do I have to hire to kill him?

  37. shut up

    @ 29: shut the fuck up. just because the average woman in america is fat, does not mean that someone at thier ideal weight is “anorexic.” she looks very healthy to me. as cliche as it is to say….you are just jealous.

  38. hitler's good side

    #36 who names their kid Cash? a black pimp

  39. sidv

    Jessica Alba always reminded me of Phoebe Cates – cuteness masquerading as sexiness. They both look Filipino, they both lack any discernible talent, and now that Alba is pregnant, hopefully she’ll retire and quit embarrassing herself with her “acting” just like Cates did.

  40. Ooba Gooba

    Her last movie tanked. Gotta get knocked up to keep your name in the news these days. Or get a DUI. Or both.

  41. sandi

    Wasn’t Cash cheating on her with some Russian model around the time Jessica got pregnant? Or were they “on a break”?

  42. that’s good especially for their baby

  43. shallow val

    39 – Nice. I know what you mean. Phoebe couldn’t even pull off “Drop Dead Fred.” I now know why Jessica Albass always reminded me of someone I couldn’t place.

  44. walker

    The funny thing is that she doesn’t even look pregnant. Why would she make it public when it’s not even showing yet. You would think she would wait a bit longer to announce it since she hates all the attention.

    She looks so miserable. That’s a shame because no one goes to her movies, no one has anything nice to say about her and all she can do get pregnant like everyone else to get attention. You know, if she wasn’t an actress, she’d be another unwed, pregnant Latina.

  45. walkjer

    He’s cuter than her.
    Gosh, she’s so average. Can’t understand what people see in her or why some people find her attractive.

    +++++++ It’s the media that tells the public who is sexy, hot and all that. That’s all. They make up those stupid “sexiest” lists and put Alba at the top of them when she’s got some promoting to do and also to remind people of who in the f*ck she is.

  46. It Must Suck When One Is That Desperate


    Well, actually, she couldn’t pick Cash: she wanted him to commit and he nixed it. That’s why she ended the relationship but two weeks later begged him to take her back. And of course later she did the most creative and original thing: trapped him by getting pregnant.

  47. Alexandra

    They look alike – to much of a similiar gene pool there. The kid will come out mongaloid.

  48. Fakies

    #47 “Trapped him by getting pregnant?”
    Are you kidding me?!?
    Based on the facts of sexual reproduction, I believe it takes two people having unprotected sex in order to conceive.

  49. Pikachelsea

    Holy crap, look at picture #3. She looks like she has Down Syndrome. wtf.

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