Jessica Simpson’s Boyfriend Knows Why He’s Here

July 9th, 2010 // 65 Comments

Here’s Jessica Simpson in Italy today with her new boyfriend Eric Johnson who’s doing exactly what I’d be doing in his shoes: Staring directly at her cleavage while praying to sweet heaven she doesn’t talk and/or fart in a restaurant. That would make the sex we’d still have way more awkward than it need be.

JESSICA: So, about what happened in the restaurant…
ME: *starts crying* Could you at least let me fin- HADOUKEN! Never mind, I’m good. You were saying?

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. taz

    He got caught

  2. penis says
    Commented on this photo:

    first

  3. penis says
    Commented on this photo:

    penis says first!

  4. IHATEWOMEN

    First?

  5. doooofus

    Third?

  6. Deacon Jones

    I’m bigger than this dude, how the hell was he in the NFL?

    • Cock Dr

      Um…talent? Training? Skillz?
      Photos of the coach with 12 yo boy?

      • Deacon Jones

        You can have all the talent in the world, that size doesnt do shit for you in the NFL, unless he lost 50, 60 pounds since he played.

      • Cock Dr

        Maybe Jess pounded the weight right off of him. She looks like she would be quite a workout.

    • Richester

      I don’t know, Jess as frame of reference, she looks about 300 pounds so he could be about 6’3″ 260 pounds.

      • MsTLC

        He lost a lot of weight since leaving the NFL. The Niners made him bulk up, so he now looks normal. whoopdeedoo.

  7. LittleCupcakes

    Wow. Very beautiful.

  8. Brit

    WTF is fatty wearing? Did she steal the curtains from a nearby Sears?

  9. kelley

    There’s a difference between then and than, Fish. Bad editing … sux.

  10. Cock Dr

    She’s happy. She’s getting boned, she’s obviously eating whatever the hell she wants to; just cover it all up in a big orange mu-mu.
    Wonder how HE feels? Bruised, battered & maybe burnt by the napalm.

    • FattyFatty2x4

      You’re on FIRE today Doc. Must of worked on a good one, eh?
      Hey, is your profession like a car builder’s or large home appliance maker’s?
      You never want to buy one of them on a Monday or Friday. Does the same mentality work for you?
      Your answer may be helpful someday, thanx in advance.

      • Cock Dr

        Fatty, I think of myself as a glorified plumber.
        And there is so much screwed up pipes & plumbing out there…..business is good no matter what day of the week it is.
        How do you like the big JS here? Would ya hit that thang with the 2×4?
        I don’t normally handle women, but I would give her a breast exam if called upon.
        Then she would probably try to follow me home come quitting time. Awkward!

      • FattyFatty2x4

        Me like em big in the front, bigger in the back, wait…..poker in the front, liquor in the rear. I get lost on my Zen poems.
        Anywho, I likey.
        Do you only service whites? Every other race seems to have 4 or 5 kids whether they can afford them or not.

      • Cock Dr

        The practice is colorblind.
        Although I have no studies at my fingertips, I believe that education & religion are truer predictors for family size than race.

        My own favorite Zen quote would be “More cushion for the pushin’”.
        I believe that applies here to the curvy TX blonde above. I hope these 2 make a sex tape & it goes viral……but I won’t watch unless I have reassurance that the farts are edited out.

      • FattyFatty2x4

        You are tooo much.
        you should take that on the road. first stop= Minny
        Agree, edit farts, leave in queefs

    • Some Girl

      Cock Dr. = LOL

  11. ThenOrThan

    Man… I know you are “just an internet blog jockey” but you really don’t know the difference between THEN and THAN?

    Fucksticks man…

    • Jesse James

      I hate all of you Grammar Nazis. Get a life, everyone knows what Fish meant, but we didn’t tell you.

  12. morga
    Commented on this photo:

    More amazing than ever, so damn curvy

  13. Khunt

    Yall worried about spelling? Look at those tits you fags!

  14. Nooken

    Hadouken! HAHAhahaha, nice.

  15. nao
    Commented on this photo:

    HAHAHAHAHA
    GOOD LUCK JESS U GOT A HOT GUY MMMMMM

  16. nao

    HAHAHAHAHHA HOT GUY, LUCKY JESS

  17. lalaland
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF IS SHE WEARING?!

  18. You ain't good enough to sit on ROUGH's bonner, I mean banner!

    Wedding ring? If I can’t explore every part of your body, why should she get a ring…I hope this dweeb adapt that attitude.

  19. Jammy

    Who even cares about Heffica Blimpson, she was only famous for her quasi good looks which have faded to the point where she looks like an encased sausage.

  20. gogo

    Hmm nobody noticed the dude’s body language?

  21. Hugh G Rectopm
    Commented on this photo:

    come on hugh hefner, offer her a playboy spread.

  22. aBE
    Commented on this photo:

    women who wear shoes like that are great fucks. fact.

  23. Kat
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn! Go Jessica! He’s fucking hottttt

  24. Sardonic

    Now, those are the regal robes of a true pasta lover! And the color cleverly hides the sauce stains.

  25. captain america

    he also isn’t very smart.
    ……THIS JUST CAN’T BE.

  26. Chenush
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s hot! he can do so much better!!! :(

  27. Kaz

    I hate outifet

  28. nobody
    Commented on this photo:

    “Could you at least me fin–”??

    I’m not entirely sure where you’re trying to go there, Fish; but I think you forgot at least a word.

    Fix it!

    Thanks.

  29. kelley
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor girl needs to hire a stylist … she’s already big enough and what she wears makes her look twice as big.

  30. Martina81

    Haha! Very nice! berty

  31. Kissi
    Commented on this photo:

    Are those her LIPS I see under that dress???!!!//// lmao!!!!
    Way to go Jess!!!!

  32. Suds
    Commented on this photo:

    he’d better wrap it up good because god knows how many STDs John Mayer gave her.

  33. john

    happy birthday to you, Jessica

  34. He shouldn’t be looking at her chest, daddy Joe has dibs on those banana boobs.

  35. ThisIsSomeFunnyShit

    Couple points to ponder:
    Do those funbags require daily inflation? Good lord, everyday they are bigger!

    He is trying to hide his face. Embarrassed much? She is a human blowup doll to bang until his divorce is final. He really doesn’t like to take photos with mu-mu girl.

    I guess she thought vacation in Italy = wear an Italian tablecloth. (Maybe Joe is hiding out under her folds… er.. um.. flowing mumu.

  36. Carolyn

    Can you believe this guy went to Yale? Did she graduate from high school>

  37. cheryl
    Commented on this photo:

    that’s the ugliest caftan? mumu? fishing net?, I’ve ever seen.

  38. Rob from Vegas

    Sometimes a fart can be sexy.

  39. TheBro

    Seriously, this is the most random couple. I know who this guy is because I follow the NFL, but how the hell did these two meet?

  40. Pangulin
    Commented on this photo:

    A closer look at this tent like outfit will reveal to the discerning viewer that JS is wearing a very small orange string bikini underneath it. Of course you all would rather spend your time discussing the sexual persuasion of her boyfriend, his size during his NFL days and whether or not he feels burned by her sexual napalm…….bunch of fags or a bunch of guys who know that they will never get close to anyone remotely as hot as Jess! I decided!

  41. Darth

    Is that a hot dog around her wrist?

  42. The Kath

    Why does it look like the woman behind him is going for his wallet or grabbing his ass?

  43. gigi

    omg a CAFTAN?!?!? who is she now? Liz Taylor??? ugh… lord I hope he’s banging her silly to knock some of the layers off

  44. yikes

    It is so sad when hot chicks turn ugly.
    Put those banana boobs on a scale! I’m betting 20 lbs each!

  45. kelsey@snackingsquirrel.com
    Commented on this photo:

    she snagged a HOTTIE! wow

Leave A Comment