Jessica Simpson’s Only Losing A Pound A Week Now

July 19th, 2012 // 118 Comments
So This Isn't Happening?
Jessica Alba Bikini
Jessica Simpson Wants To Look Like This After The Baby Read More »

Back in January, Jessica Simpson claimed she’s going to look like Jessica Alba after giving birth which Weight Watchers thought it’d be a great idea to bet $3 million on. It’s now been three months since Jessica’s given birth and reality finally stopped by, presumably with donuts, because welcome to the PR blitzkrieg to make it look like Jessica meant to keep looking like this on purpose. RadarOnline reports:

“Jessica is losing weight slowly,” a friend close to Maxwell Drew Johnson’s mom told
“She’s not trying to drop 10 pounds a week or anything crazy like that. She wants to do it at her own pace and make sure she’s healthy.”
Jessica hits the gym frequently with celebrity trainer Harley Paternak, and she’s a dedicated student, according to the source.
“Her goal right now is to lose one pound a week and Harley’s training program is keeping her on that schedule,” the friend said.

Even if I set aside my usual horseshit about how all women should magically snap back from childbirth like Alessandra Ambrosio and be very generous to Jessica Simpson by allowing that, okay, maybe she’s genetically predisposed to be a “bigger girl,” a weight loss plan of one pound a week is still a huge red flag that she basically went, “Fuck it, I’m just getting pregnant again.” (Or that her gym is right next to a Chili’s.) This is like an alcoholic saying, “You know what? I’m only going to drink 23 beers out of a case every morning from here on out,” and then expecting everyone to call her an inspiration to “real women” everywhere. So, you go, girl. Keep reaching for those stars, when you have time. They’re not going anywhere. Funyun?

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. USDA Prime McQueef

    A pound a week isn’t bad. In two or three years, she’ll look great!

  2. lily

    dear god….one pound a week? she wont be in shape until 2018 at that rate. there is NO excuse for her not to lose atleast 3-4 pounds a week with that extra 75 pounds shes carrying around. weight watchers are kicking themselves right now….

    • Sven Golly

      When they offered her $3 million they never imagined she’d eat it.

    • D-chi

      With breastfeeding, she should be able to lose at least 2 lbs per week if she’s eating right, especially if that’s a dramatic diet improvement.

  3. cc

    John Mayer said she was dynamite in bed. Now it takes dynamite to get her out of bed.

    • Backdoor Ninja

      Find it hard to believe. Her laziness makes a sloth look like a neurotic chihuahua. Mayer must be into necrophilia. That’s the only explanation.

    • elephantman

      HAHAHAHA!!! Good call!

    • anonymous

      Isn’t Mayer into dumping on his partners…literally, taking dumps on them? Like he uses ex lax as an aphrodisiac. Guess we know what tubby had to allow to get her napalm rating.

  4. dee cee

    If she loses slowly while exercising she won’t have loose skin.. the important thing is enjoying her new family.. not to get psychotically fearful and feel frustated about her appearance to please you.. while a new mother.. so back off on criticizing her..

    • Jill Ess

      Good point on the loose skin. She done went and over did it. I imagine if she lost weight too quickly, she could end up with Tara Reid’s stomach all over her entire body. YIKES!

      • Tara Reid’s stomach was a result of bad lipo – you can’t get that effect through weight loss combined with exercise.

      • vgrly

        have you seen some women’s stomach after a baby? My mom’s stomach is disgusting after 2 kids. My younger bro screwed her over. He was a 9 lb baby and she is currently a 90 lb woman. Jessica had a huge baby and before she was pretty petite. There’s a high chance her stomach will look like cottage cheese after she loses all the weight.

    • Gin&Tonic

      I think you may be on the wrong site if you’re expecting us to honor family values over looking hot. that’s so not how things work around here
      (PS jessica, nice tits)

    • EricLr

      Yeah that’s fine as long as she doesn’t want to be famous anymore, or have us buy her music, or go to her concerts, etc.

    • mamamiasweetpeaches

      normally I would agree with that whole leave her alone to concentrate on her new family theory but she TOOK a buttload of money from WEIGHT WATCHERS in exchange of the promise shed lose weight. SHE put herself in this position. She really shouldve just skipped the WEIGHT WATCHERS deal and concentrated on what really matters. But no the promise of a big pay off was too damn tempting.

      • anonymous

        Agreed. Not only did she agree to try to lose weight publicly with Weight Watchers, she opted to gain weight publicly with daily photo ops of her pregnancy. She can’t expect to be left alone when she makes sure she’s in everyone’s face every week in the tabloids.

      • Chewie

        But Weight Watchers itself recommends aiming for only 1-2 pounds per week, so I doubt they’re upset with her. They encourage relatively healthy eating and gradual weight loss, not crash dieting.

  5. Cock Dr

    Three MILLION dollars!
    Money for nothing…..what a scam!

  6. Backdoor Ninja

    Nick Lachey is counting his blessings.

    • Laney

      All in all, he’s probably rather be counting her money. I’d bang this redneck porker daily for full access to her bank account.

      • anonymous

        You sure your name isn’t Eric Johnson? Jessica’s going to need your services soon when she fails to make weight for her weight watchers contract.

        Quitting weight watchers because of a “surprise” second pregnancy will be preferable to getting fired for failing. You’ll be able to charge her whatever you want for your reproductive material.

  7. Enidaj

    I can’t imagine having a baby and then being subjected to this kind of scrutiny over my weight gain/loss.

    • Jill Ess

      I agree, it would really suck. However, I think there is a difference between gaining baby weight and letting yourself go.

    • Karen

      Jessica was overweight to begin with before she had the baby, which means the weight gain recommendation for her during her pregnancy was 25 to 35 pounds, INCLUDING the baby growing inside her. The amount of weight she gained is not only unhealthy to her, but also to her baby, so I’m going to go ahead and make fun of her.

    • IAmAGuest

      If you based your entire “career” on your physical appearance and made shitloads of money because you looked good in a pair of Daisy Dukes, then perhaps scrutiny over your weight might just be understandable.

    • Had she not accepted a $3 million dollar payday contingent on said weight loss, she could have probably avoided a good deal of the scrutiny. In short:

      Jessica: “Watch me lose weight for $3M!”

      … a few weeks later…

      Jessica: “Waaah! Why’s everyone focusing on my weight?”


  8. Boner

    nom nom nom

  9. A Skinny Girl

    Look up your facts, it’s not healthy to lose more than 1-2 a week.

  10. EricLr

    That girl couldn’t look like Jessica Alba if she had R. Lee Ermey as her personal trainer.

    • Well, to be fair, she’s never going to lose the weight if everyone else has to do push-ups while she eats the jelly doughnut from her foot locker.

  11. cc

    Is that thing around her neck one of those things that makes a beeping noise when she backs up?

  12. Clarence Beeks

    She looks like she gained weight after having the baby.

  13. JC

    By “hitting the gym,” they mean a local demolition crew attaches a chain to her and swings her at the walls of abandoned buildings.

  14. rantatonne

    “Kanedaaaa!?! Help me, please!!!!”

  15. Roseanne Barr

    Who gives a FAT fuck???

  16. mike

    she had a c section, SHE HAD HER BELLY CUT OPEN along with all the layers undernieth it…lets see any man go through this and be back to his regular self right away…yeah didnt think so…wow back off…let her enjoy her baby.

    • mrsmass

      the doctor should get an award for successfully cutting through all those layers of fat.

    • JPC

      I didn’t realize having a c-section makes you gain 50 pounds afterwards.

    • Gee, isn’t it odd that the C-section THAT CUT HER BELLY OPEN was soooo fucking crippling and painful that she bragged about having sex with her “hot husband” – before it even healed? As an aside, it’s extremely stooopid because you can knocked up imemdiately.

      Most C-section procedures are done as a low transverse incision, nimrod – your “belly” doesn’t get open from navel to snatch any more. It’s been over two and a half months, even with her ignoring her doctor’s orders, so that’s an extra 4 weeks to heal up.

      Change your tampon and stop using it as an excuse.

  17. judgingyou

    Someone at weight watchers is stress eating over this.

  18. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:



    Quoth Denis Leary:


  20. Maine

    When you’re nursing, you’re not supposed to lose more than 1-2 lbs/week in order to maintain your milk supply. She’s doing the right thing regardless of how long it’ll take her.

    • Meany

      Not only that, but the toxins that are stored in fat get into breastmilk, so it’s not good to lose weight too quickly when you are nursing. She wouldn’t have so many toxins if she didn’t gorge on junk food, however.

  21. Turd Ferguson


  22. Guinness51

    “I’m actually a thin serious person but I play fat and funny, but only for the movies.”

    - Dom Deluise

  23. mrsmass

    jesus fuck, are these recent photos? she knew she always had blow-up potential, so if she didn’t want to end up looking like a complete cow, she should have been extra vigilant about what she ate during pregnancy.

  24. Chest Rockwell

    Has the postal service assigned Simpson that new zip code yet?

  25. The Royal Penis

    She’s snacking on after birth, which is high in calories. As soon as she’s finished with that everything’s cool.

  26. at a pound a week- she should be good to go by the year 2342 in the late summer.

  27. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Her daisy dukes just got up, and ran out of her closet. “Noooo fucking way!!!”

    • fuckityfuck

      her daisy dukes could serve as a diaper for that big ass kid who will probably have to suffer through life because mommy ate herself into gestational diabetes so daddy could have a bigger allowance

  28. Sml

    If she’s breastfeeding, she can only lose 1 lb a week and still produce milk. Sorry, asses, but that’s the facts ;)

  29. a pound a week means she’ll be back to her hot old self in….4 years. OK, I’ll set my alarm clock for that day.

  30. anon

    Goody goody lets just keep bashing & trashing & humilating another human being & making them feel more insecure.. Yeah ok lets go with the same shit she is a celebrity she opened herself up for it.. yeah that sounds about right. lets attack any struggling woman with a weight issue & god forbid show any of them any support.. What a fine human race we live in don’t you all think.. Were just a happy fu–ing bunch arn’t we. Lets not forget the woman had major surgery to have her baby that set her back six weeks if not longer then that.. Nope no excuses shall be made. Lets take any ounce of pleasure from her for delivering a 10 lb baby & wish her any happiness. isn’t this just such a fun thread. Now everyone get a friggin life & get real. AS of yesterday WW shot down that Jessica needed to lose 30 lbs by end of August to begin with & its about lifestyle change. WW is behind her 100 % & just again stated so. Some have far too much time on there hands but I suppose we have people that feel much better when they can bully others rather then support

    • Welcome to the superficial.

    • IAmAGuest

      Wouldn’t it be funny if five guys made fun of your weight, like, right now?

    • anonymous

      A comment on Jessica Simpson who has turned every personal moment of her life, including her current weight issues, into a pr stunt is in no way a comment on private women who struggle with losing weight.

      Jessica demanded the public spotlight on her virginity, her marriage, her ability to fit in tiny daisy dukes, her divorce, her post divorce, her inability to fit in tiny daisy, her 9 month beached whale impersonation, and now her public sullying of weight watchers name as she appears to be gaining weight on the program.

    • Melissa

      Thank you for being the white knight of the internet. Someone getting a 3 million dollar payday to publicly lose weight that doesn’t give a shit about little people like you has been saved from online meanies. You win the internets!

    • cc

      Thank you Jesus for stopping in.

    • “It’s about lifestyle change” = “I’ll have one Twinkie now and think about whether or not I should have two.”

    • Carla

      Fuck off, Jessica.

      • Carla

        P.S. – Don’t go seeking the “pressure” of losing weight by trolling for Weight Waches dollars and magazin covers with weigh loss promises, then you won’t have your delicate feelings hurt when you’re harpooned in the media. Now go blow a Dunkin’s dozen out your blowhole.

  31. I don’t get how it can only be 1 lb a week when she must take 12 pounds shits.

  32. nowon_yuno

    I’d still bang her big ass

  33. anonym

    i wonder how many bars of soap she goes through each week

  34. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    How ironic that she is in workout clothes?

  35. DERP

    She signed a multi-million dollar contract with weight watchers so her weight is fair game. She was also outspoken about her slob diet when she was pregnant and said she was going to look like jessica alba after she had her baby. Seems pretty fit for ridicule.

    I can understand why women visit this site, I guess, but I cannot understand why they go into the comments sections on stories like these. The site is called “the superficial” and the tagline is “because you’re ugly.” Most of the posts are pictures of ass and titties. Coming here to lament the state of humanity is fucking dumb.

  36. Sheppy

    I just can’t believe it the same woman.

  37. Anon O Mouse

    if she really wanted to lose weight, watch what you eat and breastfeed. the weight will fall off of you.

  38. Fat fat fat fat fat Fat fat fat fat fat Fat fat fat fat fat Fat fat fat fat fat

  39. Do you even have an anus

  40. harshfucker420

    Could not pay me to smell the cracks between her folds. Well… you could, but I wouldn’t enjoy myself.

  41. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Cardiff Giant
    Commented on this photo:

    “So that’s what postpartum depression looks like.”

  42. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Cardiff Giant
    Commented on this photo:

    Considering the baby was only 7 pounds 12,800 ounces, she looks pretty good.

  43. jodie

    you guys are so mean.

  44. KRub

    i just had a baby two months ago and started WW to lose weight while breastfeeding. They say when you sign up that it is safe to lose 1 lb a week while breastfeeding after the first week (when more comes off because of change in diet). More than that and your milk supply and health are impacted. JS is breastfeeding. She is doing what she should be doing.

  45. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s paying the price for gorging herself during her pregnancy.I know pregnant women have their cravings, but indulging those cravings have a price.

    • anonymous

      And she’s also paying the price for making a public spectacle of herself. If she didn’t have the tabloids on her speed dial, she could enjoy overindulging and its aftermath without the public commenting on it. But maybe that’s the point of living for her. Attention at any price. Even attention for being a fat slob.

  46. Jennifer B

    Man what a bunch of fucked up people you are. I am quite sure you are all ugly fat jealous assholes.

    • anonymous

      Jessica Simpson could enjoy her status as an ugly fat a–hole without the public commenting on it if she would quit calling the tabloids and promoting her fatness with weight watchers.


      Do you move your lips when you read? Trolling a T&A website to scold guys for mocking this fat idiot for all the reasons everyone has already listed above is beyond stupid.

  47. BeenThere

    Losing one pound a week is a normal and healthy goal, not at all “giving up”. It means you have to manage your diet/exercise so that you have a positive balance of at least 500 calories a day! It isn’t easy, I just did it over 13 weeks (first day of Spring to first day of Summer) and lost 15 lbs, which I’ve kept off since then. Haven’t lost any more (haven’t tried), haven’t gained anymore (balance!)
    So, go easy, haters. One pound a week is just fine, and she’s lapping the rest of you who are doing nothing by a long shot.

  48. Roy B

    This is exactly how I thought she’d end up, no surprises here.

  49. jane

    This is why I don’t read The Superficial anymore.

  50. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Blue 32 Blue 32 Down Set HUT HUT

Leave A Comment