Jessica Simpson Wants To Give Birth Looking Like A Giant Leopard/Elephant Hybrid

April 24th, 2012 // 24 Comments
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I just assumed Jessica Simpson‘s dreams consisted of nacho cheese waterfalls and sliders with ladybug wings that fly into your mouth as you rest on a soft meadow made of baby back ribs, so imagine my surprise to learn that she sometimes dreams about clothes. And not just any clothes, but the specific outfit she wants to wear on that magical day when her vagina erupts like a fire hydrant. Via Twitter:

I just woke up from a dream that I wore a leopard caftan in the hospital. Fabulous!! Now I need to find one!

Awesome. Nothing like explaining to your child why their birth looks like a ham shooting out of a giant leopard mountain.

MAXIE: Mama, was I born in the jungle?
JESSICA: Aw, you sure do say the darndest things. Now get back in that kiddie pool full of barbecue sauce. I’ll be there in a minute to chop up some onions.
MAXIE: Yes, mama…
JESSICA: *goes back to Googling pulled pork recipes*

Photo: INFdaily, Splash News


  1. Cock Dr

    It makes some sense.
    It’s comfy, and will hide a multitude of bad stains.
    She’ll need 47 yards of the chosen fabric and a team of tailors for an 8 week 24/7 sewing session.
    No need to hurry; baby not expected until July 4th.

  2. Well, at least she has the “giant” part down.

  3. BlackAndWhite.Minstrel

    Don’t know if I missed an announcement but, with PhotoBoy doing WWTDD, will there be a Crap We Missed today?

  4. zomgbie

    how did this become a story?
    people actually follow her on twitter?

  5. Jiminy Cryptic

    So caftan = tarp? I hate these fancy fashion words.

  6. The gestation period of an elephant is 22 months, the longest of any animal on earth.

    Until now.

  7. Oogidyboogidy

    “Mu-mu!” said the Moo Moo.

  8. Jessica Simpson Huge Pregnant Belly Leopard Caftan
    Commented on this photo:

    Fred Flintstone called,

    He wants his shirt back.


  9. “Finally, madame, a wafer thin mint”

    Hopefully she explodes and is never heard from again. Although make sure she is in the middle of BFE because she’ll take out at least 3 city blocks.

  10. EricLr

    No worries. She’s never going to have that kid anyway. She’s just going to keep growing and growing until she finally consumes all the world’s resources and moves on to a new planet to destroy.

  11. Jessica Simpson Huge Pregnant Belly Leopard Caftan
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it me or does she always have a punching/smacking face? I dont know, but I I feel like I want to smack that baby out her!

  12. Jessica Simpson Huge Pregnant Belly Leopard Caftan
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    is it me or has that gal been pregnant longer than any washed-up celebrity in history?????

  13. kimmykimkim

    If she wants to look like a leopard/elephant hybrid she certainly doesn’t need any help. Just go nude, Jessica, and steer clear of poachers. Or don’t.

  14. Dude of Dudes

    The CEO of GoDaddy just booked his next safari.

  15. I bet there’s an Army Navy store with a desert canopy that’s just her size.

  16. cc

    Now, for the first time, you’ll see what megafauna really looked like.

  17. oh shut up people Jessica can’t help the weight she’s gained during pregnancy due to complications namely Polyhydramnios the carriage of excess amniotic fluid plus her daughter was predicted to weigh 10lbs at birth. A caftan is the most comfortable thing for a pregnant woman to wear nobody said anything when Mariah Carey wore a pink & white polka dotted one when she had her twins last year so why should Jessica be shaded for wanting to wear a leopard print one when her daughter decides to be born

    • anonymous

      Jessica’s extra amniotic fluid is made out of crisco oil because she is fat.

    • Ra

      Baby: 10 pounds
      Jessicas weight gain: 40 pounds +
      Does amniotic fluid weigh 30 pounds?

      No one is harping on her for wanting to wear a caftan.(although how ridiculous that she dreamt about it and decided she must wear it now or the dream fairy will haunt her with dreams that don’t contain chicken wings.

      they’re harping on her for being gigantic, and simply making suggestions of what she might resemble while wearing leopard print.

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  20. Murilo

    i like your questions. just don’t laugh. or you could say huh? or smile and just nod. if they think you they are funny then they would ecxept you to be laughing and when they see that you are not amused then they might wanna rethink the wise cracks, the pranks and the jokes.jessica would probably name it something like candy apple or apple pie or sweet savannah sorry am i mean? im just being weird.

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