Jessica Simpson Should Never Stop Being Pregnant

March 20th, 2012 // 138 Comments
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Jessica Simpson Pregnant
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Without even counting the fact she looks like someone gave a house legs and made it walk in galoshes, Jessica Simpson‘s pregnancy has already shut off what minimal filter she has in her brain and yielded us such comments about how she’s a sex-crazy mountain gorilla who constantly hurls herself at Eric Johnson whenever they’re not one step away from naming their unborn daughter Tampon Fartsingpants Mya Johnson. So here she is on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE! last night where she revealed she constantly has to tell people she’s not having multiples, her vagina’s simply getting ready to hose down an entire delivery room. Via Us Weekly:

“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” Simpson laughed. “Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

In related news, somewhere there’s an OB-GYN holding a catcher’s mitt in front of a fire hydrant yelling, “Okay, honey, open her up then drop the ham when I say go. I’m going to try and catch it from the side this time. Ready… GO! And, shit, right into Ted’s car again. Dammit.”

Photos: INFdaily

superficial

  1. Apparently she’s confusing brain fluid for amniotic fluid. She has no self-censoring mechanism — anything that appears in her pea brain she believes is worthy of saying. Sounds like a frontal lobe brain injury to me.

    • You’re making a massive assumption that she had a brain to be injured in the first place. I bet a cranial scan would reveal one of those large blobby hole-filled sponges.

  2. There stands a man who has asked himself what he would endure in order to marry a billionaire.

  3. Are we sure this isn’t Michelle Duggar? She looks like she is carrying 17 kids now.

  4. Schlitz

    “In related news, somewhere there’s an OB-GYN holding a catcher’s mitt in front of a fire hydrant yelling, “Okay, honey, open her up then drop the ham when I say go. I’m going to try and catch it from the side this time. Ready… GO! And, shit, right into Ted’s car again. Dammit.””

    It took me reading this twice to figure out what you’re going for, but I like it. Well done.

    • I don’t know about other parts of the country but when you order a Chicken Fried Steak in Texas, the steak fits the entire plate. They have to bring extra bowls for the sides and stuff. And I bet she downs that AND a full thing of Cherry Cobbler with Blue Bell Ice Cream afterwards.

    • Hard to believe she used to look like this

  5. She looks terrible. It pains me to look at her… she has to be so uncomfortable.

  6. merciful percival

    i’d pee in her but

  7. Dude of Dudes

    Ive seen those russian dolls. The ones that stack inside each other. Im guessing this is the last one before you reach “Snooki”.

  8. Okay, let’s test this video shit out…

  9. just here for the laughs

    From the looks of that getup, she got pregnancy fashion tips from Snooki.

  10. El Jefe

    Clearly she is a mother alien or something. This is not normal. She giving birth to a full grown human being?

    I thought Snooki was giving birth to the Anti-Christ, but it seems she might be.

  11. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks pregnant

  12. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s like a white Snooki.

  13. Dick Hell

    Amniotic fluid, yeah right. That kid is swimming in gravy. Do they make prenatal Lipitor?.

  14. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmmm, taste that in the air ? Told ya there was a hotdog cart around here somewhere.

  15. Cock Dr

    Bitch is wearing the best shoes ever posted on the site.
    Vibrant spring color with good traction….and could be used as emergency containment devices when the waters burst forth.

  16. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    peter
    Commented on this photo:

    she is the epitomy of stupid

  17. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    George P Burdell
    Commented on this photo:

    It is so cute how she tries to hide the fact that she is a double wide moving down the highway of life.

  18. elephantman

    STRETCH MARKS on the Horizon!

  19. [img]http://www.thesuperficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/20/Big-Godzilla-320_240.jpg[/img]

  20. Juice

    I swear shes been pregnant for over a year.
    Apparently, no one has told her it’s been time to deliver.

  21. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    Weight Watchers must be shitting themselves!!

  22. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    jimmy
    Commented on this photo:

    Ooof, she looks like Sweetums.
    http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Sweetums

  23. Is it possible to set fire to my 2003 self for being attracted to that thing?

  24. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    Ma’am, can you please use the street? These sidewalks are rated at a one-ton max weight capacity.

  25. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    orange stupidity

  26. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    cc
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like an Old School WWE wrestler.

  27. Sven Golly

    Somebody fetch her a horned helmet, she’s ready for opera.

  28. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    MisterSuccint
    Commented on this photo:

    How many draft snakes did it take to trim that car cover she’s wearing?

  29. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    wfw
    Commented on this photo:

    ceelo green is looking great with that wig on

  30. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    quijibo
    Commented on this photo:

    She does not wear pregnancy well. That is all.

  31. Shasta

    I just want to push her down a hill and watch her roll. Is that so wrong?

  32. Hasn’t she been pregnant for like 15 months now… Are we sure that she isn’t just fat?

  33. Elliott

    I’m sorry, but there’s no way her body is going to bounce back in any way, shape, or form after this. I know a lot of pregnant women don’t have the issue of excess skin after the baby’s born, but this woman is the size of a house. Based on her size, she’ll probably have to get a tummy tuck. She has to be close to 200 lbs, and that stomach is stretched to its max. Weight Watchers are losing out on a lot of money if they think she can promote them by losing all of that weight once the litter is born. That poor bloke had no idea what he was getting himself into by believing her when she said she was on birth control. Bitch was eating tic tacs.

  34. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    Del
    Commented on this photo:

    …wow. She’s roughly three weeks behind my pregnancy and we were pretty much the same size when we started. Looks like being rich doesn’t mean access to healthcare, any doctor in their right mind should’ve brought this up with her by now…

    Good luck with the 10 lbs baby, though.

    • Dee

      Del- I gained 21 lbs with my pregnancy and he was 10.5lbs…weight gain and baby size don’t always go hand in hand. My sister had a 7.3lbs baby after gaining over 70 lbs…

      • Shasta

        I had a friend who gained more weight than Jessica, and she had a tiny little meth baby. Some women just don’t handle pregnancy very well.

      • Del

        Based on the crap she’s reportedly eating, I’d be worried about her blood glucose level and baby size. There’s a difference between gaining baby weight due to bad nutrition and simple swelling and fluid retention.

  35. elephantman

    This has got the best thing to comment on in a long time! I love it!

  36. Crabby Old Guy

    You know, for a minute or two I thought I was looking at a picture of little Timmy leading his prize heffer, “Gwendolyn” out for the Governor’s Auction at the WI State Fair.

    Looking at the picture again, I’m not so sure that my first take wasn’t the correct one.

  37. dontkillthemessenger

    Kate Gosselin didn’t look that fat and she had 19 kids inside of her. Seriously, WTF? That can’t be healthy. Her thighs look like Butterball turkeys. Oh wait, she’s actually holding Butterball turkeys.

  38. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    blonde
    Commented on this photo:

    The baby only grows in your uterus/belly area… it doesn’t expand throughout your entire body.

    • Shasta

      Maybe her new “baby” is code for some weird metamorphosis…she’ll just shed her skin next month and be a new (still fat) woman.

    • hgh

      dumb ass! when your pregnant your body dont just gain weight in your stomach!

      • whutever

        No, you’re an idiot. When you’re pregnant, you don’t gain fat. A baby doesn’t need very much nutrition at all.

  39. ROFL!!! What the fuck is that? something straight out of a Star Wars bar scene…Jesus Christ she’s a retard!

  40. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    growler
    Commented on this photo:

    thats the fattest pig i have ever seen

    • Sunbae (Senior) Skipper...not that great

      Isn’t Gabby Sidibe still bigger than her? She’s never even had a kid. She’s not even close to 300 lbs. You probably don’t live in the U.S.

  41. Do_Freebird

    Jess was asked to star in the re-make of ‘Clan of the Cave Bear’. Jess of course will play the Cave Bear.

  42. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    growler
    Commented on this photo:

    she must need those green boots to support that bulbous body

  43. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    growler
    Commented on this photo:

    legs are so fat she couldnt lace those boots,!!!

  44. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    Dee
    Commented on this photo:

    Del- I gained 21 lbs with my pregnancy and he was 10.5lbs…weight gain and baby size don’t always go hand in hand. My sister had a 7.3lbs baby after gaining over 70 lbs…

  45. mememe

    I am due in two days. Swollen? Yes. Weight gain? Sure, right around 30 lbs. I am nowhere near what I think is very attractive, but this kid is almost out of me. When I first started seeing preggo pics of Jessica, I was CONVINCED that she was at least a month ahead of me. I thought, “There’s no way she’s that puffy and not about to pop.” I figured, at the latest, she’d be due at the beginning of this month. Come to find out that some sources say she’s due April 20th–that’s a WHOLE MONTH for her to continue to expand! I cannot fathom this. There are just no words. Except the ones I just wrote.

    • Wow, still another month to get even bigger?! How much more weight can you pack on in 30 days? Great googly moogly, I wanna see that happen!

  46. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    NOI
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t think that’s a human anymore LOL
    Looks so weird

  47. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    a short haired girl
    Commented on this photo:

    even the homeless guy wants a piece of that

  48. UncleBinkey

    Boonowa tweepi, ha, ha.

  49. Jessica Simpson Pregnant
    E.E. Cummings
    Commented on this photo:

    She has gotten heavy.

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