Jessica Simpson: ‘I Get My Glow From Sweat!’

November 29th, 2011 // 23 Comments

Perhaps because her life has become a dark, desolate cage thanks to a lack of corn syrup and Funyuns, Jessica Simpson has become one of America’s deepest philosophers now even though these photos of her shopping at GaGa’s Workshop last night are basically the equivalent of shoving her head up her vagina and screaming “FUCK YOU!” into her unborn baby’s face. Via Just Jared:

“People always say that when you’re pregnant, you glow, but I say it’s because of all the sweating you do!”

What’s truly amazing about that quote is the fact that the very next sentence somehow wasn’t this:

[SNOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTT.]

Journalism used to be an art. That’s all I’m saying.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Hugh Gentry

    what a pig. I hope she dies during child birth. Too harsh??

    • Jack Ketch

      Er, not so much, no. Although she’s a tad easier to take than the Kardashians … about the same IQ, though, that of a turd with eyeballs.

  2. bonerfest2011

    2 years is an awfully long time to be pregnant. who is she kidding anyway?

  3. Frank Burns

    The glasses, the faux fur, the huge purse . . she’s really jumping ahead into middle-aged housewife. Just a note to whichever guy she is with at the moment.

    • Jack Ketch

      The guy she’s with has no job, lol, as you know. I think the airhead just so desperately wants to be married. What’s funny is that she likes “intellectual guys.” And yet has the IQ of a rock, and while I’m at it, the homeless people downtown have more fashion sense than this twat.

      • She’s looking for an intellectual guy, but let’s be honest, what intellectual guy could stand being married to a complete moron? Tell me that if you married say… Nikola Tesla to Kendra Wilkinson, he would murder her in her sleep after about a week.

      • Tesla would’ve used her to invent the first electric sex doll (DC-powered, of course). Then he would’ve killed her—but using AC, so he could pin the rap on Thomas Edison.

  4. God is Black

    Eating KFC straight out of the fryer does make one sweat!

  5. Richard McBeef, MD-OB/GYN

    You should never blow air into a pregnant woman’s vagina, due to the risk of a placental air embolism.

    So if you are into that — stop now.

    *The more you know*

  6. Evil Dick Tater

    Wanna know who’s sweating? Restaurant owners. “Have you heard? She’s eating for TWO! Tear down the banners advertising the all-you-can-eat special, from now on it’s pay-as-you-go. We’re through the looking glass here, people…”

  7. cc

    I get my glow from sweat, and I get my scent from farting!

  8. walt

    Sweat and Bacon Grease!

  9. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Belly
    Pres. Sarkoozy
    Commented on this photo:

    I want her big pregnant butt to rip a loud wet fart that leaves a stain on my forehead.

  10. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Belly
    Commented on this photo:

    She is truly an American princess. A fat, sweaty, gassy princess.

  11. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Belly
    Pres. Sarkoozy
    Commented on this photo:

    Does anyone have video of Jessica Simpson having sex with Jermaine Jackson? That would be something.

  12. “And pepperamaroni’s!”

  13. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Belly
    Commented on this photo:

    “I don’t understand. Where’s the purple dinosaur at?”

  14. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Belly
    Diggy
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like Heidi and Spencer need to start a diet.

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