Jessica Simpson Told To Stop Eating Junk Food, Will Probably Die

November 22nd, 2011 // 65 Comments

When you’re pregnant, the amount of things that can go wrong are so terrifying and depressing that to mention them here would kill all the jokes I’m going to make about Jessica Simpson suffering through what has to be the worst possible news she could hear during her pregnancy. Via Hollybaby:

[H]er pregnancy has been so difficult that doctors even gave 31-year-old Jessica a stern warning — no more junk food or you’ll hurt the baby!
“They beg her to ease off, but so far she has not been able to help herself,” a friend revealed to OK!. “Everything she eats is highly processed with chemicals and preservatives, white flour and sugar.” Jessica’s been known to love her junk food, but now that she’s pregnant she has an excuse to it her favorite treats (check out below for a step-by-step look at her cravings).
“Her mom and sister Ashlee tell her that all those chemicals are bad for the baby, but she won’t listen,” the insider added. “Jessica has always loved to eat; almost to the point of addiction. Jessica’s drug of choice is food and has been since she was a little kid.

I’m pretty sure Jessica Simpson has no clue what an abortion is, but it’s hard to believe she’s not frantically lumbering in a tizzy. “Is there an ‘off’ button to this baby? Because I was promised a cement truck full of Tastykakes funneling into my face. What if I sucked it out with a vacuum? I swear I’ll put it back in! Oh, God. *picks up phone* Daddy, I’m ready to do that mouth stuff. But it’ll cost ya. — That’s right, ALL the E. L. Fudge…”

Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Cost News


  1. hmna

    Are we sure this isn’t Beth Chapman?

    • adam

      She is still the hottest thing on the planet. I want to kiss her lovely mounds and lick all over her body. She knows how to satisfy any man. Her body is a gift from god and was amazing.

  2. i find pregnant women hot and i really enjoy the greasy asshole look, but this is too greasy looking. please consult with Britney to get that look down, Jess. thanks!

  3. jumpin_j

    Wow, remember how screaming hot she was in the 90′s? Same with Christina Aguilera. What the $#@! happened? As go their bodies, so goes the careers, I guess.

  4. stratacat

    aww, i miss tastykakes. there was a tastykake factory in my neighborhood growing up and it always smelled magical, like unicorn farts.

  5. rican

    No chance of ever being skinny & hot again

    • ZigZagZoey

      Well, I just read she is gonna get 4 million to be the face of Weight Watchers.
      Slim chance at best. I just cannot see her dieting. She’ll probably have to void that contract…

      • Tootles

        haha fatty already knows she going to blow up like Kristie Alley, no wonder she got the weight watcher gig all lined up.

  6. I bet she tries to place orders to Epic Meal Time.

  7. Seriously? Women cant lose weight and get fit after kids? *eye roll*

  8. Hugh Gentry

    when she pops that kid out, her body is going to be absolutely fucking horrifying.

  9. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Sweatpants Uggs Harley Davidson Shirt
    Lisa Love
    Commented on this photo:

    Remember when The Superficial was written by a funny person? That was great!

  10. So that’s why McDonalds stock is up while everything else is down today.

  11. it had to be said

    This report is ridiculous. Are they concerned about gestational diabetes? Something specific? The good thing about a fetus is if there is any good stuff to be had, they’ll take it, so Jess is even worse off than normal.

    • Nope, they are throwing a fit because she’s eating *gasp!* White Flour!!
      Fucking retarded hippies. Normal pregnant women eat junk food and other weird things. Only weird ass celebrities and vegans eat organic wheat grass and shit when they are pregnant.

      • A Real Person


      • yigg

        Eating processed foods and refined foods all the time fucks your body up one time. You bladdy American folk never get it!!

        Shame on her for not thinking of the baby and having no self control, SIS! I mean, have a hambuger and pizza a week but eat good food in general, it’s not difficult, don’t stuff yourself like an uncontrollable child all day!!!! YUCK!

  12. I wonder where she gets deep fried pre-natal vitamins?

  13. Cock Dr

    I’m not worried for that baby. That’s a Simpson she’s incubating, and high fructose corn syrup, perservatives, white flour and refined sugar are it’s natural foods.
    If that stuff killed babies poor people would never be able to carry their pregnancies to term.
    Lookin’ good Jess….when’s the wedding?

  14. Oogidyboogidy

    Fatty Fat Fat Fat Fatty-Fatty-FatFat.

  15. Nada

    This dosn’t surprise me at all. I had a feeling that, as soon as some dude knocked her up, she’d use it as an excuse to let herself go. She’s a trailer trash heifer in the making; after she whelps out her pup, she’ll be a huge fatty & will basically disappear like her sister asshole did…

    • Schmidtler

      What’s the one thing a woman can eat that will make her gain 30 pounds instantly?
      A: Wedding cake.

    • She has been trailer trash all her life. And she let herself go before this baby was put in her. After hearing about her personal hygiene habits, I was so disgusted that not even young thin Jessica could make me want to even touch her.

      • Tootles

        What?! You mean you’re not turned on by a woman who brushes her teeth with the sleeve of her sweater?

  16. oh i know

    for pete’s sake, jess, REALLY?? wtf are you wearing?? i’m not saying that i don’t have a similar outfit but i only wear it during Shark Week (ladies, you know what i mean…) and certainly it does not go outdoors! good god, you KNOW someone is going to take you picture, you can afford to rock the absolute CUTEST maternity clothes ever made, and THIS is what you come up with?? hire a stylist ASAP, please, and a REAL stylist not a bff or a cousin…..jeez!

  17. JC

    That’s the glow of a woman who just ate three Bloomin’ Onions.

  18. Pippy Longcockings

    “Sweeeeet Hoooooome Alabamaaaaaa!”

  19. LJ

    The girl is just preparing for the after pregnancy Best Seller “How I Lost the 80 Pregnancy Pounds I Gained in Four Months” on sale at Macy’s in time for next Christmas.

  20. mike

    if you need any other information to tell you what is wrong with 21st century america than *this fucking post* you are a stupid babby

    • Schmidtler

      and yet Jessica Simpson is worth a Billion Dollars. That’s Billion, with a “B”. Look at that picture, and wrap your head around the fact that she earned most of that money selling people clothes she designs.

  21. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Sweatpants Uggs Harley Davidson Shirt
    Commented on this photo:

    short women are the unluckiest when it comes to being pregnant, tall women carry the baby better.

  22. Oogidyboogidy

    How is babby formed. How is babby formed.
    How girl get pragnat.

  23. Marshall Crist

    At the risk of stating the obvious…

  24. ®ough--one standard will do jussssst fine. Thx!

    What an unpretentious, and lovely young woman Jessica is, bonding with millions of American mothers that consume junk food while pregnant. Chick might be a marketing genius.

    • ®ough--one standard will do jussssst fine. Thx!

      It might be a stronger bond than women that coincides their menzies.

  25. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Sweatpants Uggs Harley Davidson Shirt
    Herbert Von Peen
    Commented on this photo:

    I want her warm, creamy afterbirth all over my face

  26. Jamie

    Granted, Jessica may look like Kate Gosselin in her third trimester of carrying sextuplets and could probably stand to cut back on the 12,000 calories she is clearly consuming in a day but I’m from the south where people pretty much subsist on Cheetos and fried chicken and the babies are fine. Look at Britney Spears, she turned out just…oh, wait.

  27. The Royal Penis

    How long has she been inwardly wanting to “fat out”? I’ll bet her whole secret mission in life has been receiving the right semen/chump that would allow her to look like a porked out $2 trailer park whore without leaving.

  28. Dinosaurland

    I feel terrible for how taxing her completely normal pregnancy is on her. It’s like the baby doesn’t even know she’s famous.

  29. brit

    Since when is french fries, white flour and sugar considered killer food? There are a dozen southern states where generations of slack-jawed red necks have been brought up on nothing more and they are doing just fine with their chair-and-a-half furniture, elastic waisted pants and frequent flier card for the local buffet.

  30. brit

    She’s one scrunchy and a bad hair bleaching away from exhibiting her inner Britney

  31. Who Gives a FUGG

    omg, leave her alone…she’s flipping pregnant you idiots!! it is SO none of anyone’s business what she eats…we’re not all up in your boring a– lives questioning the dumb sh*t you do on a daily, I mean really. Shut the FUGG UP sometimes…DANG!

  32. cc

    ‘Eating junk food’ really means ‘Eating entire sticks of butter.’

  33. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Sweatpants Uggs Harley Davidson Shirt
    Commented on this photo:

    if eating unhealthily caused overwhelming negative effects on a developing fetus, brown southern people would not exist.

  34. mememe

    I am honestly amazed she looks this worn out this quickly. She already looks like she’s on her second or third kid. Usually your first pregnancy is the one you look the best during…

  35. Captain Slappy

    You see kids, this is where the rubber meets the road…and I hate to tell you, Simpson has bald fucking tires that are weather-cracked. Way too much mileage, way too fast. Time to unmount, and go get a new set. I don’t care what she eats, but I can damned sure tell you what I no longer want to.

  36. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Sweatpants Uggs Harley Davidson Shirt
    Commented on this photo:

    They’re so cute. He always looks like he just adores her.

  37. Rickshaw Pirate

    There are people who simply should not have kids. She’s one of them. I feel sorry for her kid to be.

  38. riptide

    16 years from now kids in school will ask that poor child about pictures they found of her mom at age 23 and 30. She’ll have no good answer and they’ll never date her.

  39. Jessica Simpson Pregnant Sweatpants Uggs Harley Davidson Shirt
    Commented on this photo:

    By all means take your nutrition advice from people who equate “white flour and sugar” with poison…they sound totally rational and rooted in facts.

  40. mrsmass

    she’s 11 months pregnant, right? pregnancy is not an excuse to eat junk food, unless you want to look like this i guess.

  41. this broad is fat without the baby. she won’t lose the pregnancy weight.

  42. carol

    she must be so happy, she can finally shove her face full of shit and at least have an excuse that she can get away with.

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