Weight Watchers Hates Jessica Simpson Now

December 6th, 2012 // 45 Comments
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Thanks to gaining exactly 876 pounds before and after her pregnancy, Weight Watchers was forced to shoot Jessica Simpson‘s first commercial from the neck up as part of her $3 million deal which will now be referred to as the stupidest fucking bet in the history of ever. Because just as she was starting to lose weight, Eric Johnson’s unprotected penis ejaculated into her ovulating lady business rocketing her back into the warm, fuzzy embrace of eating M&Ms and mac & cheese until her foot falls off. Us Magazine reports:

“They’re furious at Jessica,” says the source of the star, who has a $4 million deal to shed to the pounds.
The source adds, “She was already on thin ice with them since she didn’t lose enough for a the first ad, when they had to shoot from the waist up.”
As a result, Simpson’s second campaign — celebrating a 70-pound loss — may not air. “They don’t think it can run,” the source explains. “No one wants to hear about a pregnant woman dieting.”

Of course, if Weight Watchers plays their cards right, they can make lemonade out of deep-fried lemons by simply changing the tagline to, “Weight Watchers: Hey, if it doesn’t work, then you’re just a dumb, fat retard like Jessica Simpson,” and watching as women everywhere immediately diet their dicks off. “I’m nothing like her, you hear me? NOTHING! Gimme that fucking broccoli.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet

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  1. Jay

    Jessica Blimpson, wow she is indeed a big ‘un

  2. EricLr

    “the stupidest fucking bet in the history of ever”

    I think they narrowly edged out the Chateau Marmont, for letting Lindsay Lohan rack up a $46,000 hotel bill on the assumption that she would pay up eventually, right?

  3. EDDIE HITLER

    I will reiterate: FAT FUCKING DEAD EYED COW, famous for…getting fucking fat.

    But as we all know thanks to that other FAT COW Oprah, there’s always a following for lardasses on yo-yo diets. Hell you can make a million bucks being a fatass.

    “Ah wash muhself with a rag on a stick.” *cue applause*

  4. Moo Cow Hunter

    Instead of her photos from 6 years ago they should have watched The Newlyweds. Then no one would have been stupid enough to sign a $4 million contract requiring to move her lazy ass or show any amount of self control.

  5. JC

    “Weight Watchers: Get With the Program or Be This Pig.”

  6. Andrea

    Don’t you mean they shot the commercial from the neck up?

  7. JC

    “Weight Watchers: Our Program Can Help You NOT Be The StayPuft Marshmallow Jessica.”

  8. JC

    “Weight Watchers: We Help You Lose the Baby Weight, Unless You Get Pregnant Again Before They Even Wheel You Out of the Delivery Room.”

  9. This is where the phrase DUMB BLOND comes from. So to all you blond haired ladies out there that arn’t dumb, blame her!

    • KC

      But she’s a bottle blonde. They’re in a separate category from natural blondes. Anyone who doesn’t know that is dumb themselves.

  10. Jen

    If someone was paying me $4 million to lose 70 pounds, I’d make sure I used a condom

  11. Jack Ketch

    OINK. Why is everyone so shocked ? She has the IQ of a mushroom. Don’ give me all that bullshit about her having a billion-dollar fashion line; the “brains” behind it ain’t hers. I wonder if this pregnancy is a ruse to take the heat off Joe Simpson’s gay situation.

  12. Jessica Simpson Eric Johnson Baby Maxwell
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    What does he always look the part of a dirtbag with no job ?? Because he’s a dirtbag with no job ??

  13. Jessica’s new theme song: “Money For Nothing”, Dire Straits. Played on a tuba.

  14. Nipoleon

    Dear Weight Wachers – If you crawl into a $4M bed with a pig…..expect to get humped by the pig.

  15. Johnny P!

    “She was already on thin ice when she didn’t lose enough for the first ad…”
    Note to the Weight Watchers Geniuses: An Arctic ice sheet is considered ‘thin ice’ for Jessica…

  16. Weight Watchers signs multi-million dollar deals with notoriously fat celebrities…with no clause actually requiring them to lose weight to get paid?

    I don’t see what could go wrong with that plan. sounds solid.

  17. They should sue her ass in to the dirt. At least make her repay what they gave her. It’s so obvious she did this intentionally. She never intended to lose the weight and being a woman, she has a foolproof reason to get fat.

  18. anonym

    Fuck you Jessica.

    I would take $1 million from WW to lose some pounds and gain muscle.

    I wish I could get paid to lose weight.

    • Seriously, they should have ignored her and gone straight to Eric Johnson.

      By paying him to dump her lard ass, he could have claimed to have lost 225 unsightly pounds overnight, without even having to give up a single bite of mac ‘n’ cheese. You won’t ever find a better success story than that!

  19. not that jessica simpson is a wonderful example of womanhood but 1. you people really hate women, don’t you? and 2. weight watchers could totally make this work to their advantage: she used it, she lost the weight, and she looked so hot her baby daddy couldn’t keep his hands off her. *shrugs*

    • Find a better example of “womanhood” to champion, cupcake. Maybe you want to try defending Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian next, since it’s clear to all that they’re such hapless victims of fate that the fact they come under attack here must be because we really hate women, right?

      It’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because she’s a lame, stupid, self-indulgent idiot with a squicky, pandering, promoting father who’s been intent on ramming her no-talent ass down this country’s collective throats for years. If she had a dick and no tits, that history, and the same track record of lame, finger lickin’ idiocy, she’d still be getting the same shit here.

      And I bet you’d probably be right there, bleating about how we all really hate men, amirite?

  20. lara

    If Jessica had a billion-dollar business, why is she desperate to make money off of pregnancies, baby photos and WW deals? She could have spared herself the struggle and the scrutiny if she had a billion dollars to fall back on, right?

  21. JustJoking

    Yea, she should just abort for WW. I dont think so. WW needs to get over it. She got pregnant again, so what?

  22. err durr

    Pretty sure she didn’t gait 876 pounds. She’d be dead.

    • And yet, if I said you were literally too stupid to live, everyone here would probably figure out that you wouldn’t die on the spot because you just forgot how to breathe.

  23. kery

    her baby looks cuteeeeee!!

  24. Simpson Watch

    Thank for informations, I am extremely impressed you write style.

  25. Livinus Nwambe

    Has nobody pointed out that broccoli is goddamned delicious?

  26. Jessica Simpson Eric Johnson Baby Maxwell
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