Here’s a pregnant Jessica Simpson posing nude (Full shot here.) for the April issue of Elle if posing nude means they de-jowled her head and slapped it on Demi Moore‘s body because it was cheaper than airbrushing out nacho cheese burns. Regardless, Jessica confirms she’s having a girl, but more importantly reveals I was right about all those times I said she’s a rib-fueled booze funnel:
On her body subconsciously telling her she was pregnant:
“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge,” Simpson says, not shy about saying so. “Gonna ride our bikes, hang out… do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”
And:
The hardest part of her pregnancy so far:
“Givin’ up my Scotch?” she says. “My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”
While my immediate reaction is to be as concerned for Jessica Simpson’s baby as I am for Snooki’s, Jessica squats on the throne of a billion dollar fashion empire, so you know there’ll be at least a nanny or two who’ll make sure the kid won’t be used as a crab mallet. Whereas the skull on Snooki’s baby’s will have a permanent ridge in six months from popping open bottles of Budweiser or whatever the hell beer Guido juiceheads drink to make Snooki look like something a penis should go into. “Nope, still looks like a ham carpet. ‘Mere, little baby.”
Photos: Elle, Fame/Flynet
Nice airbrushing. :)
wow, the most airbrushing ever…even the belly button looks to be in the wrong spot
that’s because no one quite knows what a black hole “looks” like… we can only assume
And the award for outstanding achievement in PhotoShop manipulation goes to……..the arts and layout department of Elle magazine! Yay!
What an effort; you guys must be so proud.
I will buy this and beat off to it.
me too!
Just did it for free from the pics here!
when it comes to this girl my cock has mind of it’s own, constant boner for her
^^this^^
please stay calm.
..THERE ARE INDEED MORE WAY’S FOR THROWING UP.
Er, ways. No apostrophe, moron.
forrest, you’re still a moron.
Hawt!
WeII I called it. Also, absolutely disgusting.
Joaquin called it, everyone!!!
noted
Nicky Lachey called it everyone.
are we sure that she didn’t just leave chilis? they have a great lunch special going on now…
For the first time ever getting pregnant took away her stretch marks
So this looks like it was taken like 3 months ago. And then the greatest act of photoshopping ever took place, Elle magazine lost 3 people to this undertaking but it was so worth it…except the bellybutton.
Looks like a giant orange. Without the orange color.
The photographer had to ban Joe Simpson from the shoot. His masturbating was really distracting the lighting people.
awesome
I just flashed back to “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” when the people starting morphing into cartoons.
Never in human history has someone incubated so much stupid for such a long period of time. She isn’t due on December 21st, 2012, is she?
“Nope, still looks like a ham carpet.”
Fucking hysterical. L O fucking L.
So… she’s a drunk? I’m not surprised.
Boner achieved.
The photoshop work in this picture is AMAZING. You can’t even see the Big Mac, or the slice of pizza.
I’d fuck those tits airbrushed or not
you’d have to do it reverse style and sit on her face.
Rimjob as a bonus! Good thinking Hugh.
No pregnant woman has a normal looking bellybutton!
Good catch. Even Demi had an outie in her nekkid picture. Though, in fairness, she was housing one of the uberjaw-babies at that point.
Lets see she got rid of her first douche husband
For this Douche…who isn’t even her husband
Solid Stuff
They needed some industrial strength Photoshop just to fit her on a magazine cover.
hahahahaha!
“A big thing of water sounds great!”
How stupid is Jessica Simpson? Her use vocabulary does not include the word “cup” or any of its synonyms.
Perhaps she takes her water in various vessels? Maybe she enjoys the odd sack of water, or perhaps a hollowed out pinewood derby car of water?
With juggs like those, they no longer fit into cups. More like a couple hammocks or a small circus tent.
How about posing nude when you’re NOT pregnant. Having babies is nice and everything. But it’s NOT SEXY.
well, at least now I know what ice cream looks like naked.
Vodka cranberry is the drink quido juiceheads drink.
Yes I would eat that ass clean
there is no way she’s not due any day.
or she’s carrying an elephant…
hasn’t this nude pregnant thing been done 10 times over already?
Everything has already been done at least 10 times. We need a global reset to restore novelty.
+10. That McBeef comment needs to be printed and framed and stuck on a wall. :)
Yep, it’s been done to death.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like her taste in scotch. I always figured her for more of an Old Thompson kinda gal.
I would’ve figured Mountain Dew and gin.
So NOW she decides to pose nude? Not when she was hot back in the Dukes of Hazard days?
And if she posed like this in her Dukes of Hazzard days, you’d be all, “This isn’t nude! I wanna see those tits already!”
you’re probably right. if there’s no nipplage, it doesn’t count.
I’ve seen Mexcian El Camino’s that looked less airbrushed than this.
*Mexican
Damn it!
You’re in rare form today.
she reminds me of Peter Griffin standing there naked with a huge belly covering her vag. No need for pants anymore.
can we see the NON photoshopped pic, a woman that short would have shitloads of stretchmarks…Iam 8.5 months preg and not even that huge!
Of course you’re not THAT huge Lee, because everyone on the internet looks like a supermodel.
I’m 5 foot tall and have some stretch marks, but not visible when photographed. Just sayin’
Congratulations.
Coming soon from Anne Geddes, a photoshoot with Jessica Simpson’s child and a brontosaurus.
Make it a tyrannosaurus, and then tell me which one is eating the other. Then you’ll have my attention.
I was due to deliver my child 3 days ago (yup, still pregnant) and she’s bigger than me in her UNphotoshopped photos. Here, not so much. Someone deserves an award for this.
Hey, good luck with your own baby, Jules! :)
Keep in mind she’s only 5’2 and has a small frame so if she gains some weight (let alone an entire pregnancy worth) she’s going to look huge in pictures. I’m sure she has some kind of weight loss endorsement lined up for after she has the baby. So no fear, you’ll be fatter than Jessica Simpson again in no time.
Fish–
Could you refrain from using the phrase “Jessica Simpson squats on the throne” ever again? Thanks.
Earth
Idiots… She’s not pregnant just full figured.
Now we just need Snooki to pose like this….
You know it’s coming.
snookie looked like this before she was pregnant.
Did she pose for Elle magazine or Elephant magazine because if it is the latter I believe it.
Wow… ruined, just ruined.
Hello stretchmarks, stupid cunt.
That’s her after Taco Bell, where’s the preggo photo?
That girl is beautiful!!
With or without makeup she is hot! Even my girl loves her!
finally, someone makes a POSITIVE comment. people are such assholes usually
Thanks Jessica. Like Winnie the Pooh’s dreams aren’t scary enough.
That’s a MAN BABY!
Yes.
If she looks that soft and mushy WITH airbrushing, WTF must she actually look like? Shudder
She’s naming it Daisy.
lookit dem tittaes! Just lookit dem! Tittaes the size of my head!
So much photoshop, it actually looks like a painting. The fake shadow underneath her boob just jumps out at me.
This might be the reason the world is so fuct up. This moron has a billion dollars and no brain, much to the chagrin of much less-wealthy, much more intelligent Americans.
She does not have a billion dollars, she does not have even a tenth of a billion dollars. If you are going to call her a moron you should at least have your facts straight.
Oh, I’m sorry, 750 Million…which is about a billion. -Excuse the fuck outta me.