Jessica Simpson Posed Nude For ‘Elle.’ Pregnant.

March 7th, 2012 // 110 Comments
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Here’s a pregnant Jessica Simpson posing nude (Full shot here.) for the April issue of Elle if posing nude means they de-jowled her head and slapped it on Demi Moore‘s body because it was cheaper than airbrushing out nacho cheese burns. Regardless, Jessica confirms she’s having a girl, but more importantly reveals I was right about all those times I said she’s a rib-fueled booze funnel:

On her body subconsciously telling her she was pregnant:
“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge,” Simpson says, not shy about saying so. “Gonna ride our bikes, hang out… do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

And:

The hardest part of her pregnancy so far:
“Givin’ up my Scotch?” she says. “My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

While my immediate reaction is to be as concerned for Jessica Simpson’s baby as I am for Snooki’s, Jessica squats on the throne of a billion dollar fashion empire, so you know there’ll be at least a nanny or two who’ll make sure the kid won’t be used as a crab mallet. Whereas the skull on Snooki’s baby’s will have a permanent ridge in six months from popping open bottles of Budweiser or whatever the hell beer Guido juiceheads drink to make Snooki look like something a penis should go into. “Nope, still looks like a ham carpet. ‘Mere, little baby.”

Photos: Elle, Fame/Flynet

superficial

  1. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    malco
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice airbrushing. :)

  2. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    mc
    Commented on this photo:

    wow, the most airbrushing ever…even the belly button looks to be in the wrong spot

  3. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    And the award for outstanding achievement in PhotoShop manipulation goes to……..the arts and layout department of Elle magazine! Yay!
    What an effort; you guys must be so proud.

  4. Rico Jones

    I will buy this and beat off to it.

  5. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    oh
    Commented on this photo:

    ^^this^^

  6. steve canyon

    please stay calm.
    ..THERE ARE INDEED MORE WAY’S FOR THROWING UP.

  7. alex

    Hawt!

  8. Joaquin ingles

    WeII I called it. Also, absolutely disgusting.

  9. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    hattie
    Commented on this photo:

    are we sure that she didn’t just leave chilis? they have a great lunch special going on now…

  10. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    chris breezy boxing academy
    Commented on this photo:

    For the first time ever getting pregnant took away her stretch marks

  11. judging you

    So this looks like it was taken like 3 months ago. And then the greatest act of photoshopping ever took place, Elle magazine lost 3 people to this undertaking but it was so worth it…except the bellybutton.

  12. EricLr

    The photographer had to ban Joe Simpson from the shoot. His masturbating was really distracting the lighting people.

  13. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    I just flashed back to “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” when the people starting morphing into cartoons.

  14. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    Never in human history has someone incubated so much stupid for such a long period of time. She isn’t due on December 21st, 2012, is she?

  15. Your tongue, My balls.

    “Nope, still looks like a ham carpet.”

    Fucking hysterical. L O fucking L.

  16. Jason

    So… she’s a drunk? I’m not surprised.

  17. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Brad
    Commented on this photo:

    Boner achieved.

  18. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    The photoshop work in this picture is AMAZING. You can’t even see the Big Mac, or the slice of pizza.

  19. Ben

    I’d fuck those tits airbrushed or not

  20. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Neen
    Commented on this photo:

    No pregnant woman has a normal looking bellybutton!

    • Good catch. Even Demi had an outie in her nekkid picture. Though, in fairness, she was housing one of the uberjaw-babies at that point.

  21. ace11

    Lets see she got rid of her first douche husband

    For this Douche…who isn’t even her husband

    Solid Stuff

  22. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    George P Burdell
    Commented on this photo:

    They needed some industrial strength Photoshop just to fit her on a magazine cover.

  23. JC

    “A big thing of water sounds great!”

    How stupid is Jessica Simpson? Her use vocabulary does not include the word “cup” or any of its synonyms.

  24. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Tennessee Ernie Chrysler
    Commented on this photo:

    How about posing nude when you’re NOT pregnant. Having babies is nice and everything. But it’s NOT SEXY.

  25. whiskeyafternoon

    well, at least now I know what ice cream looks like naked.

  26. Pauly

    Vodka cranberry is the drink quido juiceheads drink.

  27. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    jerBeer
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes I would eat that ass clean

  28. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    mrsmass
    Commented on this photo:

    there is no way she’s not due any day.

  29. mrsmass

    hasn’t this nude pregnant thing been done 10 times over already?

  30. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like her taste in scotch. I always figured her for more of an Old Thompson kinda gal.

  31. So NOW she decides to pose nude? Not when she was hot back in the Dukes of Hazard days?

  32. I’ve seen Mexcian El Camino’s that looked less airbrushed than this.

  33. Hugh Gentry

    she reminds me of Peter Griffin standing there naked with a huge belly covering her vag. No need for pants anymore.

  34. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Lee
    Commented on this photo:

    can we see the NON photoshopped pic, a woman that short would have shitloads of stretchmarks…Iam 8.5 months preg and not even that huge!

  35. cc

    Coming soon from Anne Geddes, a photoshoot with Jessica Simpson’s child and a brontosaurus.

    • Sliver

      Make it a tyrannosaurus, and then tell me which one is eating the other. Then you’ll have my attention.

  36. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Jules
    Commented on this photo:

    I was due to deliver my child 3 days ago (yup, still pregnant) and she’s bigger than me in her UNphotoshopped photos. Here, not so much. Someone deserves an award for this.

    • Hey, good luck with your own baby, Jules! :)

    • Yup

      Keep in mind she’s only 5’2 and has a small frame so if she gains some weight (let alone an entire pregnancy worth) she’s going to look huge in pictures. I’m sure she has some kind of weight loss endorsement lined up for after she has the baby. So no fear, you’ll be fatter than Jessica Simpson again in no time.

  37. Fish–

    Could you refrain from using the phrase “Jessica Simpson squats on the throne” ever again? Thanks.

    Earth

  38. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Katie
    Commented on this photo:

    Idiots… She’s not pregnant just full figured.

  39. vgirly

    Now we just need Snooki to pose like this….

  40. El Jefe

    Did she pose for Elle magazine or Elephant magazine because if it is the latter I believe it.

  41. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    tommy
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow… ruined, just ruined.

    Hello stretchmarks, stupid cunt.

  42. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    rican
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s her after Taco Bell, where’s the preggo photo?

  43. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Jimm
    Commented on this photo:

    That girl is beautiful!!
    With or without makeup she is hot! Even my girl loves her!

  44. Thanks Jessica. Like Winnie the Pooh’s dreams aren’t scary enough.

  45. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Austin (Danger) Powers
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s a MAN BABY!

  46. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    sexybrains
    Commented on this photo:

    If she looks that soft and mushy WITH airbrushing, WTF must she actually look like? Shudder

  47. Conference

    She’s naming it Daisy.

  48. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    Hugh Johnson
    Commented on this photo:

    lookit dem tittaes! Just lookit dem! Tittaes the size of my head!

  49. Jessica Simpson Nude Pregnant Elle
    absinthe
    Commented on this photo:

    So much photoshop, it actually looks like a painting. The fake shadow underneath her boob just jumps out at me.

  50. Sliver

    This might be the reason the world is so fuct up. This moron has a billion dollars and no brain, much to the chagrin of much less-wealthy, much more intelligent Americans.

    • El Jefe

      She does not have a billion dollars, she does not have even a tenth of a billion dollars. If you are going to call her a moron you should at least have your facts straight.

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