Jesus Christ, Jessica Simpson’s Legs

March 24th, 2014 // 53 Comments

When we last left Jessica Simpson in January, she was looking noticeably skinnier, so it was only a matter of time until that all ended and she returned to being a tater skin girl in a kale world. Except here she is somehow looking even thinner albeit to the detriment of whatever the hell’s happening to her legs. I’ve always been more of a boob man, but calves aren’t supposed to look like that, right? That can’t be healthy. More importantly, where are her boob- oh, no. Oh no no no no. I just found out Mila Kunis is pregnant, don’t you do this to me now, God. Don’t you fucking do this to me now. GIVE ME BACK MY BOOBS.

Photos: AKM-GSI


  1. Those look like some incredibly serious charley horses.

  2. Poopdeck

    It’s the lighting and contrast looks like it was adjusted.

  3. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    That photo says it all: a buttaface, who used to have huge boobs that now seems to have disappeared in her sons’ mouths, walking around on the most straight-up wonkiest legs I have ever seen.
    Seriously, those two are genuine boner-killers.

  4. Ralph

    She continues to wear multiple layers of loose clothes. Is it style or covering up?

  5. buzz

    Looks like all the glute and hamstring muscles she used to have back in her Daisy Duke days have sunk down to her calves.

  6. Frunken

    Listen up, Interns! Notice the definition in the upper calf. *Lifts pant leg* Look at it, dammit! Back in Nam the choppers would hover eight feet over my head and I’d jump in. You should have seen the look on Charlie’s face. Not the enemy, son. The pilot. Great guy. He didn’t make it back.

  7. I actually think that those muscles are from lifting a bunch of kids all day long, especially in heels. Puts a lot of stress on your calves.

    • guest

      BS. I have 4 kids and my legs do not look like that, hard and manly like Jessica’s.

      • TJF

        So many idiots on here. Her calf development is genetic.

        Lot’s of “Well my sorry as calves don’t look like that” Well no shit, you have different parents.

      • Johnny Barbells

        …not just idiots, but retards who think all women should be built like 10 yr old boys with tits …her legs have always been my 2nd favorite bodypart!

  8. That comment for some reason frightens me but at the same time made me laugh.

  9. Those legs would be perfect for a wheelbarrow.

  10. Burt

    Imagine slathering warm Velveeta on them for a night of rolicking humptitude

  11. Deacon Jones

    Did her dad give her AIDS?

  12. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    Are we sure that’s not Auunold in drag?

  13. brick

    Doesn’t help that they’re sprouting from the most hideous pair of cutoff’s I’ve seen since, well, since she wore them last time.

  14. Bane

    All cowboys like fat calves.

  15. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s working out, you fucking retard. Have you seen muscles before?

  16. If you have ever noticed, most fat people have jacked calves from carrying all of that weight around all day. She has been large for the better part of the past 3 years and wears heals all the time. It makes sense that she has muscular calves.

    • Jon

      You’re the only person so far who has known what you are talking about. All the weight over developed her calf muscles.
      The rest are braindead idiots.

      • the Fat Person Army has arrived to shore up Jessica’s defenses!

      • Johnny Barbells

        …or maybe just the contingent who are’nt terrified of muscles, and kinda like ‘em on a chick. (“mommy, she looks different from the girls i see at walmart, i’m scared!”)

    • gumbypokey

      True, but most reformed fatties never end up with definition like this, especially females. (Nothing personal ladies, just biology).

  17. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    haha. look at this fat ass. amirite?

  18. anonym

    she’s been starving herself.

    the skin on her face hasn’t had time to catch up.

  19. Either those are calf implants or she used to play Right Wing in the NHL, coz I’m sure I’ve seen those before.

  20. Slash

    It’s from walking around in those gigantic fugly shoes. They must weight at least 5 lbs. each.

    • I wear women's shoes

      The actual heel part is made of cork so they probably weigh very little. Cork wedges got very popular the last few seasons beause of how light weight they are.

      • The actual heel part isn’t made of cork because 1) there’s been a severe shortage of it for years now and 2) even if there weren’t, a “lightweight” material like cork wouldn’t support her weight without crumbling (FYI: this is also why platform shoes aren’t made of styrofoam). Platforms are made of molded composite, and covered – you may wear women’s shoes, but you know very little about 1) how they’re made 2) physics and 3) what works to make any trend fashionable or popular.

      • Slash

        LOL, this.

        I didn’t think there were people dumb enough to think that “cork” wedges actually have cork all the way through. I probably did exaggerate about the weight, but still. Those shoes are fugly. Probably from the Jessica Simpson Collection.

  21. Vl

    My mothers calves looked like that. Always wore heals and never exercised what so ever.

  22. guest

    Her legs and thighs look like man legs.

  23. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    She is looking extra stupid in the face department.

  24. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    Atleast she’s not driving.

  25. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    That is a fine pair of gastrocnemii.

  26. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    Note to self: must not skip Arm Day at the gym.

  27. Jessica Simpson Skinny Legs Calves Gross
    Commented on this photo:

    Nothing I personally hate more than a HYPOCRITE that doesn’t believe in God using the word God.Well, other than a Liberal….any Liberal.

  28. BobSays

    From the mouth (well fingers) of a lady (myself)…. that’s normal. When you go from being rather heavy to thin you’ll notice the calves are more developed than other areas, or develop faster than other areas. She’s obviously not working out her hamstrings or quads because there is NO definition there whatsoever.

    Also to the gentlemen on the site: women very easily gain muscle and muscle definition in their legs faster than men ever will. It’s simple genetics. Our center of gravity is the hips and not the shoulders, hence that’s where our power for movement comes from.

    • Johnny Barbells

      …how dare you come here posting a sensible comment that makes a valid point …you’re just supposed yell; “ew, she’s icky” like the rest of these troglodytes.

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