And Jessica Simpson is Engaged, Too, Now. Of Course.

November 15th, 2010 // 61 Comments

Jessica Simpson has essentially farted what last shred of dignity she had left out the window by announcing her engagement to Eric Johnson within days of Nick Lachey announcing his to Vanessa Minnillo. The news was first reported by Us Weekly Sunday morning, and then confirmed by Jessica’s rep along with the following one-handed tweet from Papa Joe:

So very happy for Jess and Eric. May they have a lifetime of joy and happiness.

You really have to respect Eric Johnson’s discipline for working the long con on this one. By waiting for the right moment – And what better one than Nick Lachey getting engaged? – he was able to make the whole thing seem like Jessica’s idea, who’s now too busy getting a wedding dress custom welded, she’s not even thinking about a pre-nup. To put things into perspective, I could’ve successfully proposed to Jessica Simpson within five minutes of a first date that involved nothing but me going “Honk! Honk!” while making squeezing motions with my hands, so talk about patience. Clearly, the man’s a professional.

NOTE: Added pics of Jessica’s engagement ring which she flashed all over a Kansas Dillard’s Saturday, a full day before the engagement was even announced. She might as well have wrote “Fuck you, Vanessa” across her knuckles in barbecue sauce because at this point, why put on airs?

Photos: WireImage

superficial

  1. alordslums

    is she signing her much-lauded, recently released translation of ovid’s ‘amores’?

    • Mike Walker

      More likely a box of Hershey S’mores.

    • Nudgie

      She;s singing a promotional picture of herself – from 7 years ago after a 2 week purge session…

    • Randal

      Jessica, thanks for sharing this wonderful moment with those of us here @ The FISH! You’re such a beautiful human being and you deserve all of the love and happiness your new life will bring.

      Congratulations!

      Randal

  2. Junon

    I know she’s a bit heavier, and the problem with weight, really, is what’s healthy for you and what kind of foods you ea,t and how you feel about yourself, etc.

    Some people look good with weight on them, but I think Jessica looked better when she was thinner. Her face especially looked nicer. To each their own tho.

    • Evil

      Her ass sucks, so it’s probably better for her to be thin.

    • Lady Blah Blah

      She looked good in Daisy Dukes in the movie and the video Boots Are Made For Walkin’. It’s like flowers: they reach a peak, and it’s downhill from there. If she can accept that without getting caught up in the denial-of-aging-and-reality craziness that so many women in the entertainment biz and elsewhere are caught up in, more power to her.

    • Facebook me

      Something looks different about her, more than just the extra weight…I think she is pregnant…

  3. Puddin' Taine

    I thought she was engaged to Lord Haagen Dazs

  4. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    william
    Commented on this photo:

    what do you think the chances are those photos of Jessica….were taken years ago. After seeing these close ups – the missionary position is out.

  5. That cant be her e-ring, thats horrible. I really like her, hope it all works out for her.

  6. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    I am happy for Ms. Simpson, who, by the way, was very gracious regarding her ex-husband’s happiness.

  7. dirtyvu

    showing off the ring just shows us she has sausage fingers.

  8. wim

    but her doggie is still missing?

  9. The Real Hetero

    Hmmm, short and getting fatter (look at those hands), farts constantly, bottle blonde, reatarded. What a lucky guy.

  10. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    hayley
    Commented on this photo:

    her face reminds me of hilary swank’s in this picture.

  11. Anon

    Guaranteed she bought that ring herself. He probably knew about two seconds before her tweet.

  12. Just Cause

    Her signature in the background looked like two nut sacks at first glance.

  13. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Spocktopus
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s like she took a time machine back to her childhood to show her younger self what happens when you’re an idiot.

  14. rican

    Hey, if you think she’s fat now, wait ’till she pops out the first baby. I predict a net gain of 40 lbs.

  15. Eric Johnson

    “Jessica, will you marry me? Give me one fart for ‘yes’, two farts for ‘no’.”

  16. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Yessum
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s probably gonna blimp after this. Married women tend to do that.

  17. Jojo

    She seems to be really swelling up with pride. Look at those mitts!

  18. Good luck dumb Jess.
    Try not to gain anymore. You will probably be the household’s primary breadwinner but that doesn’t mean you should eat all the bread in the household.

  19. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Fa Nay Nay
    Commented on this photo:

    What happened to her! Watch out kids! She’s gonna eat you!

  20. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Great line from the fish RE: custom welded wedding dress. Funny.

  21. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    bellaboo
    Commented on this photo:

    is that brown? did she get barbecue sauce on it already??

  22. I guess we’ll have to wait for a date until Nick and Vanessa pick one, then?

  23. Whatever

    Her ring looks like something off of QVC.

  24. me22

    That ring is ugly and this whole ‘engagement’ just reeks of desperation. I hate when pretty women like Jessica let themselves go. It makes it seem as if we are all just waiting to get fat and pop out kids. Ugh. Laziness is such a turn off, how she thinks her hamburger eating ass will manage to have a healthy marriage with a vegan is beyond me. Which is more proof he is using her, a vegan usually will never date better yet marry a foul meat eater like Jessica. Two completely different view points of the world. I also find it funny that she has changed for every other guy she has dated but so far has refused Eric’s vegan lifestyle, she should EMBRACE veganism and lose that 30 extra lbs she is carrying around. She is like Mariah Carey all over again, up and down with the weight. She looks horrible here and a bit like a stuffed sausage. She is so unhealthy you can see it in her muted skin and sausage link fingers. No more Jessica Simpson please.

    • Hello

      I agree she’s totally gross and needs to lose some damn weight. The last thing society needs to do is embrace fatties, because being a fatty is not healthy. I run about 40 miles a week and I don’t want to live in a world where women like me are considered vain for taking care of themselves, while fatties like Jessica here stuff themselves full of McDonalds and KFC every other day.

      But I gotta disagree on the whole ‘embracing veganism’ thing… she shouldn’t drip barbecue sauce all over his front, I agree there, but there’s no reason she should have to give up meat. If it doesn’t disgust the guy to date a “flesh eater”, then seems like they don’t have any issues.

      This whole “engagement” thing totally reeks of desperation. What is with these Simpson sisters and being desperate? Ashley is desperately trying to be “edgy’ and “hardcore”, while meanwhile she’s married to a closetcase. Family of nutcases.

      • Jammy

        I just don’t understand how she has that much time and money and still can’t maintain a normal weight. I have a fraction of the resources she has and am a full time student and i work and I still maintain 110lbs. I wish i had all the access to personal trainers and chefs that she has!

    • The reason vegans lose weight is because they’re DYING.

  25. ghost

    Apparently she hasn’t learned anything from her first marriage.

  26. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Girl Villain
    Commented on this photo:

    Not that i’m a Jessica Simpson fan, but why are her pictures always so washed out with harsh lighting? It’s very unflattering. Lighting is so bad that she has muppet hands. Someone is editing these photos purposely, imo. I’ve never seen a super washed out unflattering picture of JLo. Someones always got the Vaseline lens on that one.

  27. Steelerchick

    I wonder how much SHE paid for her engagement ring??

  28. truth

    Porky’s Revenge

  29. dart

    I bet she was thinking “those cheeks of his will be good for storing food for the winter”

  30. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Danisaurus
    Commented on this photo:

    Nooo! Someone stop her! She’s going to eat that baby!

  31. Ned

    When I heard she was marrying Eric Johnson, I thought – dag, she’s marrying a brother!!

  32. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Mallory
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t think that is an engagement ring. The thought of having to wear something that hideous forever is awful. Gold, really? It’s 2010.

  33. puddleduck

    Looks like the only thing she’s engaged in is eating… she looks like the Chik Fil A cow!

  34. medium rare

    hmm… just thinking how satisfying it would be to dump a load of cum in her face, with those doe eyes looking up at you. That’s how you treat stank.

  35. Mena

    That ring is just the worst. I give this marriage 7months to a year. Tops.

  36. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    Dellio
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow. Very…um…nice? Uh…tacky.

  37. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    cindy louwho
    Commented on this photo:

    cheap, ugly ,tacky,
    I would buy something at Walmart than wear that hideous hunk of junk

  38. Jessica Simpson Engaged
    cindy louwho
    Commented on this photo:

    Bloated & gassy.

    That Eric is 1 fat prize,
    They don’t know each other, and 80% of NFL players go broke, This dude is Former & never earned much $$$ in the first place & fresh out of a divorce, Can’t be good

  39. Erin

    Aside from the money she has made, it must suck to be a fairly young actress-singer, and get blown away by all the new young pretty ones like Taylor Swift. Unless you have a ton of talent, show biz gives you a few good years and then you are a memory. Simpson tries really hard to keep her name out there, but it isn’t working. She just seems so desperate.

  40. Ty

    …does she have to like… one up Nick? Didn’t her fiancee just get a divorce? This is the recipe for a divorce. Nick and Vanessa have been together for YEARS and are not taking the plung in getting married, Jessica hears that and now she has to get engaged? It’s so stupid…

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