Jessica Simpson has essentially farted what last shred of dignity she had left out the window by announcing her engagement to Eric Johnson within days of Nick Lachey announcing his to Vanessa Minnillo. The news was first reported by Us Weekly Sunday morning, and then confirmed by Jessica’s rep along with the following one-handed tweet from Papa Joe:
So very happy for Jess and Eric. May they have a lifetime of joy and happiness.
You really have to respect Eric Johnson’s discipline for working the long con on this one. By waiting for the right moment – And what better one than Nick Lachey getting engaged? – he was able to make the whole thing seem like Jessica’s idea, who’s now too busy getting a wedding dress custom welded, she’s not even thinking about a pre-nup. To put things into perspective, I could’ve successfully proposed to Jessica Simpson within five minutes of a first date that involved nothing but me going “Honk! Honk!” while making squeezing motions with my hands, so talk about patience. Clearly, the man’s a professional.
NOTE: Added pics of Jessica’s engagement ring which she flashed all over a Kansas Dillard’s Saturday, a full day before the engagement was even announced. She might as well have wrote “Fuck you, Vanessa” across her knuckles in barbecue sauce because at this point, why put on airs?
Photos: WireImage
is she signing her much-lauded, recently released translation of ovid’s ‘amores’?
More likely a box of Hershey S’mores.
She;s singing a promotional picture of herself – from 7 years ago after a 2 week purge session…
Jessica, thanks for sharing this wonderful moment with those of us here @ The FISH! You’re such a beautiful human being and you deserve all of the love and happiness your new life will bring.
Congratulations!
Randal
I know she’s a bit heavier, and the problem with weight, really, is what’s healthy for you and what kind of foods you ea,t and how you feel about yourself, etc.
Some people look good with weight on them, but I think Jessica looked better when she was thinner. Her face especially looked nicer. To each their own tho.
Her ass sucks, so it’s probably better for her to be thin.
She looked good in Daisy Dukes in the movie and the video Boots Are Made For Walkin’. It’s like flowers: they reach a peak, and it’s downhill from there. If she can accept that without getting caught up in the denial-of-aging-and-reality craziness that so many women in the entertainment biz and elsewhere are caught up in, more power to her.
Something looks different about her, more than just the extra weight…I think she is pregnant…
I thought she was engaged to Lord Haagen Dazs
Shit, I thought she was engaged to a McDonald’s franchisee.
I thought she was banging the Hamburgler all this time.
Damn, I could have sworn she was having a steamy affair with the local KFC.
On a more serious note – how pathetic.
I thought she was dating a guy named John…Long John Silvers!
It’s gotta be Applebees that she’s boffing.
Heard she had a threesome with the Burger King And Wendy.
She’s doing like Leo and smothering Bar. Hershey Bar.
I thought she dumped him for the Swedish Chef. Bort bort bort!
what do you think the chances are those photos of Jessica….were taken years ago. After seeing these close ups – the missionary position is out.
That cant be her e-ring, thats horrible. I really like her, hope it all works out for her.
Don’t empathize with the Leviathan.
I am happy for Ms. Simpson, who, by the way, was very gracious regarding her ex-husband’s happiness.
showing off the ring just shows us she has sausage fingers.
but her doggie is still missing?
Hmmm, short and getting fatter (look at those hands), farts constantly, bottle blonde, reatarded. What a lucky guy.
her face reminds me of hilary swank’s in this picture.
Guaranteed she bought that ring herself. He probably knew about two seconds before her tweet.
Her signature in the background looked like two nut sacks at first glance.
It’s like she took a time machine back to her childhood to show her younger self what happens when you’re an idiot.
Hey, if you think she’s fat now, wait ’till she pops out the first baby. I predict a net gain of 40 lbs.
“Jessica, will you marry me? Give me one fart for ‘yes’, two farts for ‘no’.”
She’s probably gonna blimp after this. Married women tend to do that.
She seems to be really swelling up with pride. Look at those mitts!
Good luck dumb Jess.
Try not to gain anymore. You will probably be the household’s primary breadwinner but that doesn’t mean you should eat all the bread in the household.
What happened to her! Watch out kids! She’s gonna eat you!
Great line from the fish RE: custom welded wedding dress. Funny.
is that brown? did she get barbecue sauce on it already??
I guess we’ll have to wait for a date until Nick and Vanessa pick one, then?
Her ring looks like something off of QVC.
That ring is ugly and this whole ‘engagement’ just reeks of desperation. I hate when pretty women like Jessica let themselves go. It makes it seem as if we are all just waiting to get fat and pop out kids. Ugh. Laziness is such a turn off, how she thinks her hamburger eating ass will manage to have a healthy marriage with a vegan is beyond me. Which is more proof he is using her, a vegan usually will never date better yet marry a foul meat eater like Jessica. Two completely different view points of the world. I also find it funny that she has changed for every other guy she has dated but so far has refused Eric’s vegan lifestyle, she should EMBRACE veganism and lose that 30 extra lbs she is carrying around. She is like Mariah Carey all over again, up and down with the weight. She looks horrible here and a bit like a stuffed sausage. She is so unhealthy you can see it in her muted skin and sausage link fingers. No more Jessica Simpson please.
I agree she’s totally gross and needs to lose some damn weight. The last thing society needs to do is embrace fatties, because being a fatty is not healthy. I run about 40 miles a week and I don’t want to live in a world where women like me are considered vain for taking care of themselves, while fatties like Jessica here stuff themselves full of McDonalds and KFC every other day.
But I gotta disagree on the whole ‘embracing veganism’ thing… she shouldn’t drip barbecue sauce all over his front, I agree there, but there’s no reason she should have to give up meat. If it doesn’t disgust the guy to date a “flesh eater”, then seems like they don’t have any issues.
This whole “engagement” thing totally reeks of desperation. What is with these Simpson sisters and being desperate? Ashley is desperately trying to be “edgy’ and “hardcore”, while meanwhile she’s married to a closetcase. Family of nutcases.
I just don’t understand how she has that much time and money and still can’t maintain a normal weight. I have a fraction of the resources she has and am a full time student and i work and I still maintain 110lbs. I wish i had all the access to personal trainers and chefs that she has!
The reason vegans lose weight is because they’re DYING.
Apparently she hasn’t learned anything from her first marriage.
She learned the only way to mend her broken heart is through her stomach.
Not that i’m a Jessica Simpson fan, but why are her pictures always so washed out with harsh lighting? It’s very unflattering. Lighting is so bad that she has muppet hands. Someone is editing these photos purposely, imo. I’ve never seen a super washed out unflattering picture of JLo. Someones always got the Vaseline lens on that one.
I wonder how much SHE paid for her engagement ring??
She took the “worth my weight in gold” mantra literally.
Porky’s Revenge
I bet she was thinking “those cheeks of his will be good for storing food for the winter”
Nooo! Someone stop her! She’s going to eat that baby!
When I heard she was marrying Eric Johnson, I thought – dag, she’s marrying a brother!!
I don’t think that is an engagement ring. The thought of having to wear something that hideous forever is awful. Gold, really? It’s 2010.
Looks like the only thing she’s engaged in is eating… she looks like the Chik Fil A cow!
hmm… just thinking how satisfying it would be to dump a load of cum in her face, with those doe eyes looking up at you. That’s how you treat stank.
That ring is just the worst. I give this marriage 7months to a year. Tops.
Wow. Very…um…nice? Uh…tacky.
cheap, ugly ,tacky,
I would buy something at Walmart than wear that hideous hunk of junk
Bloated & gassy.
That Eric is 1 fat prize,
They don’t know each other, and 80% of NFL players go broke, This dude is Former & never earned much $$$ in the first place & fresh out of a divorce, Can’t be good
Aside from the money she has made, it must suck to be a fairly young actress-singer, and get blown away by all the new young pretty ones like Taylor Swift. Unless you have a ton of talent, show biz gives you a few good years and then you are a memory. Simpson tries really hard to keep her name out there, but it isn’t working. She just seems so desperate.
I’ll bet Jess still out sucks Taylor if we’re talking cock.
…does she have to like… one up Nick? Didn’t her fiancee just get a divorce? This is the recipe for a divorce. Nick and Vanessa have been together for YEARS and are not taking the plung in getting married, Jessica hears that and now she has to get engaged? It’s so stupid…