Jessica Simpson is Designing Scuba Gear Now. Oh, Good.

March 28th, 2011 // 36 Comments

Because why not? Jessica Simpson‘s billion dollar fashion franchise has a new Scuba line now, according to her Twitter, which hopefully will stick to clothing and go absolutely nowhere near the gear itself.

DIVER #1: Alright, team, let’s roll out. *puts on mask, spits it off* What the shit? Gravy?
DIVER #2: PFFT! Ah, God, Bisquick…
DIVER #3: Animal crackers over here.
DIVER #4: My tank’s just a banana with a straw in it.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

superficial

  1. timmy the dying boy

    Scuba gear? Why not? She already has impressive flotation devices.

  2. Colin

    Personally, I like the idea of a bacon-flavored snorkel.

  3. jumpin_j

    I thought she was such an airhead that her head could be used for floatation. Now you would think I would have gone for the obvious and said breasts, but I like to think outside the box, so there.

  4. She’s got the lungs for it.

  5. Tim

    Hero of Fat Hillbillies everywhere!

  6. It’s not what you think. It’s actually a Super Conveyor Utilizing Buffet Apparatus.

  7. Jessica Simpson Weight Loss
    Commented on this photo:

    Who’s going to buy wet suit with an Orca fin on the back?

  8. Winning, Duh!

    She’s got a billion dollars? Why are we wasting our time making snarky comments about her intelligence and looks, when clearly, we should be working on schemes to separate Ms. Simpson from this giant pile of loot!
    To hell with wasting anymore time on this site – I have to run out now and find myself a Gypsy costume, a duck, a bucket of spare ribs, and a map of the stars’ homes!

  9. slappy magoo

    I’m anxiously awaiting her line of designer of CAT scanners, complete with ipod dock and reinforced mattress.

  10. Impy

    You’re a few days late on this, and apparently neglected to see that it was a joke; she was tweeting a picture of shoes from another designer.

  11. felix

    She’s doing it out of desperation; one *needs* specially designed scuba gear to be able to dive that muff nowadays

  12. Woody Long

    She can’t design a peanut butter sandwich . Her scuba gear would look like a special Ed class had run amuck when the teacher had a stroke

  13. Alex

    That’s probably the funniest narrative from Fish I’ve read in a while. Bravo!

  14. lils

    What these stars do when they “design” is to take some cloth or accessory or whatever and put glitter on it. Or their names in glitter.

  15. SIN

    Oh come on, Not one ass shot?

  16. yee_haw_y'all

    In other news, Stephen Hawking unveiled his new line of yoga pants.

  17. Chloe

    It’s ok guys, she probably just heard that the “bends” lead to easier backdoor access.

  18. JB

    Thanks a lot! I just laughed out loud in the shitter with some dude in the stall next to me!

  19. so she is finally designing something her fans can use while they swim with her in her natural environment.

  20. The investors here know that if you want to learn to breath underwater, just ask someone with the brain of a fish.

  21. Finally, she will discover what that whole “chicken of the sea” thing is about.

  22. the one

    believe it or not: SHE STILL DOESN’T KNOW THE OUTCOME OF 1 + 1 =?

    • no . that’s an act. and old one at that. that’ played on the whole blonde = dumb routine.

      the new routine is she she went into a bine eating nd became a fat blonde slob.

  23. Fancypants

    the B in SCUBA does not stand for bacon. Jessica Simpson will soon discover this and leave the business to start a chain of Kenny Rogers restaurants.

  24. RiverinEgypt

    Ha ha what a loser, a incredibly rich, still great looking woman who doesn’t have to starve herself and is apparently a smart business woman, LOSER..

  25. blasted1

    When was that picture shot???? Had Lincoln been assassinated yet?!

  26. Jessica Simpson Weight Loss
    The Ugly Truth
    Commented on this photo:

    *insert a joke about a whale here*

  27. You’ve misunderstood, it’s not the SCUBA you’re thinking of. She’s copyrighted SCUBA: Super Container for Unbelievably Big Asses

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