Happy Birthday, Jessica Simp- JESUS!

July 10th, 2012 // 193 Comments
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You may have seen a few of these gigantor Jessica Simpson pics when the British tabloids paid out the butt to get the exclusive rights to them last week, so what better way to celebrate her 32nd birthday today than for me to finally get a hold of them and make them even more readily available on the Internet? I’m joking, of course, so somebody should probably talk Chili’s into serving Cinnabons now before she turns green and smashes all our dicks into paste. I really didn’t think this through.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Deuce… Deuce and a quarter…

  2. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously. Home treadmill. Much better idea…

  3. tlmck

    20 years from now, she will be saying “I’m still pregnant y’all”.

  4. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    We’re well past motorboating. I wanna yacht those.

  5. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    989
    Commented on this photo:

    whAt the hell is up with her right leg? looks deformed.

  6. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Don’t make her angry! You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

    Jesus tapdancing christ the bitch is huge

  7. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Kelly
    Commented on this photo:

    you are all so perfect and wonderful , i bet after you had babies you lost the weight in 2 weeks like Heidi Klum. I think she looks like a new mom, not a superstar. Its nice to see Normal in the Celeb world. Give it a break already w the fat comments. Shes human, remember that.

    • vgrly

      She’s already a multi millionaire from her clothing line. Signing up for watch watchers ain’t just for the money. She wants publicity and remain part of the fame game, she’s basically made it too easy for us.

    • Rambone

      I’m not sure cro-magnons are technically human, but I see your point just the same.

    • topanga

      None of my non-celebrity human friends have ever looked this bad after having a baby.

  8. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    1-800-Jenny!

  9. Krissy

    I find it funny how she said she was 170 at her highest weight during her pregnancy. She’s well at at least 200 in these pictures, if not just shy of it. I don’t know why she felt the need to lie when we all have eyes that can clearly see how big she is. Poor girl is going to to need a lift to fix her boobies once they lose the weight are she’s no longer breastfeeding. I wish her the best of luck with her weight loss, because her thin self is one of the most beautiful women out there. Exra weight does not compliment her at all. She’ll lose it if she puts in the effort.

  10. I eagerly await Hashim Hathaway’s Facebook post defending the casting choice of Jessica Simpson as Black Hulk.

  11. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    she was pregnant for what, two years? It will take some time to ditch weight.

  12. jeez

    - Boss Hogg – “Dukes of Hazzard 2″

  13. KIA

    Well this proves she didn’t fake a pregnancy.

  14. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    That was a lob
    Commented on this photo:

    Your move Kirstie Alley.

  15. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    jj
    Commented on this photo:

    Id love for men to go through having a child and see the amount of work it takes to rid yourself of the baby weight. Not everyone gains the same amount during pregnancy. The poor woman. Atleast she is going to the gym to try to get rid of it. Poking fun at a post-pregnant woman is like kicking an animal when its down. Its absolutely pathetic. I’m sure you would’t say the same of your mother after she gave birth to you, or your sister, or even your girlfriend or wife.

    • GAINED 25lbs and LOST IT ALL

      spoken like a true fat chick.

      • spacetime

        Yes, because biology gave us all identical bodies and every woman experiences the same amount of weight gain during pregnancy and the exact same amount of work to lose that weight.

      • Julie

        You’re an idiot. Good for you that you only gained 25lbs and you lost it all. Sounds like you lost some brain cells along with the fat cells.

    • anonymous

      Sorry but when men see a problem they fix it. It’s just our nature. If a man is 50lbs overweight and doesn’t give a damn…he does nothing. If a man is 50lbs overweight and hates it, he stops f*cking eating and starts working out…simple as that.

      There’s no need for a man to dress only in dark colors, talk about what causes men to overeat with a group of male friends, or preach about how real men have curves. Guys just fix it.

    • kimmykimkim

      My sister has had five kids and has never ever looked like this. Jessica Simpson likes to eat. She loves it. A lot. She eats for triplets. If my sister had gained this much weight, you’re goddamn right I’d tell her to get her ass in the gym before she dies prematurely of complications from diabetes or God knows what. I’d also tell her to lay off the fried foods. Pregnancy is not an excuse to be fat. It is not a pass.

  16. Blubbo

    FATTY FAT FAT-FAT FATTY FATTY FAT-FAT

  17. Dr. Fullabull

    Unmarried men, let this be a warning to you. Look at her in the video where she covers Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking,” then look at her now. Evolutionary psychology 101: the “boots” look is designed to pull you in, to make you want to mate. (“Selfish genes” do this, the gal doesn’t need to understand why she behaves as she does.) So you mate, buy the ring, the whole deal. And suddenly you are waking up next to this. This is not a joke. BE CAREFUL DUDES!

    • Schmidtler

      I agree with you – but – let’s say you marry a chick that’s absolutely smoking hot, like Jessica in her Daisy Duke days, and then she gets pregnant, gains 200 pounds, blimps out to ginormous proportions, but, she also amasses a BILLION DOLLARS at the same time – you leaving her? Let’s face it, us guys are lazy, hate working, and when it gets right down to it, we’ll bang whatever is around that’s willing.

  18. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    renzomatic
    Commented on this photo:

    “Ohhh Nooo, they say it’s got to go! Go Go GODZILLA!”

  19. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Amazed
    Commented on this photo:

    gunt…

  20. toriiw

    Will you leave this girl alone? Every woman gains and looses weigh differtently. I dispise the hate mail in this post.

  21. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Tiara
    Commented on this photo:

    Meh…shes not THAT fat..

  22. Burt

    What’s really funny is that just a year ago she was talking about how she finally understands that women don’t have to be thin to be sexy and beautiful…and now she’s trying to lose a lot of weight.

  23. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    like the big jugs
    Commented on this photo:

    yummy milk jugs
    i want sum of them
    suck the titty more milk mommy

  24. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    like the big jugs
    Commented on this photo:

    “mommy want sum milk”
    grown ups quote

  25. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    like the big jugs
    Commented on this photo:

    id still hit that forever
    shes always hot

  26. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Carolyn
    Commented on this photo:

    If nothing else she should get some help for that hair! And no, not all new mothers are this much of a mess.

    • topanga

      Especially considering that other new mothers, even if on maternity leave, still have other duties around the house to take care of. I’m sure she has staff to take care of the house and assistants to run her errands. And a nanny and an unemployed boyfriend to watch the baby while she SHOWERS! Take a shower, Jessica!

    • Daniel Rubio

      Mess? You should have said MASS

  27. Emma Watson's Vagina

    I think it’s safe to say this is a poster child for the vagina meesh.

  28. joho777

    If Jessica ever sees someone with a harpoon, she had better RUN!

  29. What the fuck did she give birth to. That SUV? I’ve never seen a woman ballon up like that from a pregnancy with only one kid. Amazing!

    Would still fuck the shit out of her though.

  30. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Quijibo
    Commented on this photo:

    Sweet Black Baby Jesus.

  31. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Quijibo
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like that SUV is listing to starboard.

  32. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    KC
    Commented on this photo:

    Beware of her event horizon, lest you be sucked in forever.

  33. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Jake
    Commented on this photo:

    So she’s bigger. I think she’s still beautiful–if she embraces who she is now and really learns to dress like a bigger girl (no more those high-waisted “mom jeans” Jess, I know you’re tired of trying to live them down!) she can be even be more beautiful than she was before. She’s still significantly smaller than 2/3 of American adults, and she’s going to the gym, so obviously she’s trying to take care of herself.

    • Frankw

      “She’s still significantly smaller than 2/3 of American adults…”

      And WHERE THE FUCK did you get those numbers?

    • JPC

      “if she embraces who she is now and really learns to dress like a bigger girl she can be even be more beautiful than she was before.”

      Um………no. Just no. This isn’t some kid’s camp where we tell the ugly kids “everyone is beautiful on the inside.” She was one of the hottest women on the planet before. Wearing looser clothing after gaining 100 lbs will not make her “even more beautiful” than that.

    • cc

      ‘if she embraces who she is now’

      She’s going to need much longer arms.

  34. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Nick
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh my God. OH MY GOD. OH my GOD. Oh my God. Oh My God. So hot in Dukes of Hazzard. OH MY GOD. Therapy. I need therapy. I CAN’T UNSEE THIS. Pour acid into my eyes!!! I am crying. CRYING. weeping. no this can’t be so.

  35. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    amir
    Commented on this photo:

    Fat in the front FLAT in the back…

  36. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    ksu-cat
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow! Kirstie’s really let herself go this time….. Wait…who is that?

  37. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Rambone
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks confused… like a reanimated buffalo.

  38. NATTY ICE

    Has anyone called her “Jessica Blimp-son” yet? No? Well then, Happy Birthday Jessica Blimp-son. Happy Birthday to all of you.

  39. amberisadomesticabuser

    I think it’s funny how people (especially women) say, oh leave her alone, she just had a baby….Lots of women have babies, and don’t gain 150lbs. You know when you’re pregnant you don’t have to eat everything in sight. It’s not actually healthy to eat a tub of ice cream every night, or stuff your face, thinking you’re “nourishing your baby”. Guess what your baby is nourished properly if you eat a pretty average, healthy diet. It’s normal to gain maybe 20lbs of fat, but anything beyond that is emotional eating and hormones. I know many young women who’ve had babies, at 20-30 and only a certain amount turn into lards. It’s the ones who eat eat eat!

  40. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    winternz
    Commented on this photo:

    I agree with (jj) she has a post pregnancy body , if people don’t like it don’t look at her.. leave her be and let her enjoy her baby and her hubby :)

  41. bing

    She always was a fatty in disguise.

  42. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Vanessa Minnillo
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone forgot to tell her black is only slimming when you’re not already fat

  43. jeez

    happy burp day.

  44. Lolno

    Wow, just wow…And we wonder why so many women have eating disorders :l

  45. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Chyn
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, the woman just had a baby. Let her be already.

    • Jess

      Yes, and a baby is about 7-10lbs.
      Not the extra 50-60 lbs that she’s carrying.
      Just because you’re pregnant, that doesn’t give you the excuse to let yourself go THAT badly.

  46. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Stranger
    Commented on this photo:

    My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

  47. From a super smoking hot body. To that wow? And what is she doing with her money? Does she not have personal chefs and trainers?

  48. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Gus
    Commented on this photo:

    Love those MASSIVE tits Tho!!!!!

  49. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Kirstie…lay off the milkshakes.

  50. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    dannyboycane13
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s big as a bear! Grrrrrrr, bad bear.

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