Happy Birthday, Jessica Simp- JESUS!

July 10th, 2012 // 193 Comments
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You may have seen a few of these gigantor Jessica Simpson pics when the British tabloids paid out the butt to get the exclusive rights to them last week, so what better way to celebrate her 32nd birthday today than for me to finally get a hold of them and make them even more readily available on the Internet? I’m joking, of course, so somebody should probably talk Chili’s into serving Cinnabons now before she turns green and smashes all our dicks into paste. I really didn’t think this through.

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    All the stretchy clothes in the world won’t help her look thin.

  2. broduh jenner

    beth chapman actually looks pretty good

  3. is she auditioning for a Macy’s parade baloon?

  4. elephantman

    Nice boobs! I’d still hit it! Can she stand up straight?

  5. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Mother of God – those melons are bigger than my torso.

  6. Emma Watson's Vagina

    I think this is one of the grossest PR stunts ever.

  7. I wonder if her husband has to do that thing where the patient rolls to one side and you sort of swab them down with a wet cloth and pull off the sheet from one side of the bed and then they roll the other way and you swab them and remove the rest of the sheet.

    Another month until we see her on her very own Hoveround mobility scooter.

  8. Dinosaurland

    That wardrobe choice involved a can of Crisco and a lot of determination.

  9. Somebody told her that black is slimming…

    That person is a dick.

    • Michael Moore

      It only works if the garments required less than a square mile of fabric.

      • You can’t blame Jessica for not knowing these nuances. I mean, it’s not like she’s a fashion designer or anything…

      • kimmykimkim

        Yeah, she’s really not a designer. She just slaps her name on shit and calls herself a designer. She’s really just a lazy fatass.

      • Schmidtler

        A lazy BILLIONAIRE fatass.

      • anonymous

        If she’s a billionaire, why does she need the money from the weight watcher’s deal? I guess she must have depleted her billion dollar bank account paying for the vast amounts of food it takes to maintain her blimp-like proportions.

      • JPC

        anonymous – A lifetime supply of chicken grease isn’t cheap…..especially when we’re talking about Jessica Simpson’s portion size.

  10. USDA Prime McBeef

    That dude with the bolt on fakers.
    Nancy Grace
    Tara Reid
    Some hog roast in a bikini
    Jessica Simpson

    It’s like you are challenging me to jerk off, fish.

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      And then the no name coming in the final five. I’m telling you, I get hotter shit showing up somewhat randomly in my email box. Where is the submit your own pics button again?

  11. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    She really needs to have the gym come to her house.

  12. Looks like a good investment by Weight Watchers….

  13. Everybody give it up for Nick Lachey…

    Nick Lachey everyone!

  14. JTrain

    Seeing this makes me feel so much better about myself in a bikini.

  15. rican

    Dammit! I used the zoom feature and my computer screen burst!

  16. cc

    OMG she swallowed Rosie O’Donnell whole!

  17. rican

    When is she due by the way?

  18. DeucePickle

    Looks like I’m going to be late for my appointment in Boner Town.
    Come on Final Five.

  19. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Jessica Blimpson

  20. Willy Wonka WARNED you not to chew that gum, but would you listen? Noooooooooooo!

  21. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like she’s wearing one of Eddie Murphy’s fat suits.

  22. kimmykimkim

    I don’t even have a joke. This bitch is just fat.

  23. Is she trying to get in or out of the vehicle? Are they just testing different rides to see which one she can roll out of the easiest? Otherwise, I don’t get the point of the photo shoot.

  24. SaintMidian

    Her legs look like they are trembling from the weight.

  25. El Jefe

    Oh my sweet Jesus, wtf.

    From jerk off fantasy back in the Dukes of Hazzard days to wow, just so sad.

  26. Randal

    Jessica, one thing is still the same size: Your talent! It is as large, inspiring, and beautiful as it always was! Don’t lose sight that it’s what’s inside that counts.


  27. Tom

    Well at least her tits are huge.

    And probably hit her knees when everything comes off because that’s what fat girl tits do.

  28. Sven Golly

    I’ll bet this is the first time an Orca escaped from SeaWorld in an SUV.

  29. Parker

    I feel bad for her. She’s a nice person.

  30. Rico Jones

    I would fuck her thin and I would fuck her like this. Look at the size of her tits! And you know they still look good. It will take another 5-10 years for those things to really sag.

  31. Bane

    Yeah, just think. She was Daisy Duke.


  32. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Sweet mother of God!

  33. Poor Jessica has gotten so heavy even the cleft in her chin is almost gone. I feel sorry for her. Unless she’s happy this heavy, in which case, mazel tov!

    On the silver lining side of the coin…LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE JUGS!

  34. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, I saw her a month ago in pictures and she looked thinner, now she looks even bigger than she did right after the baby o_O Jesus, woman. No more cream pie for you!

  35. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like shes having a genuinely hard time adjusting to motherhood. Her roots have grown out, her weave looks really ratty and she has stains on her clothes. Name one new mother that doesnt look exactly like this.

    Alessandra Ambrosio.

    Damn! My brain just betrayed me…

  36. JPC

    Tony’s dream girl right here. You can forgive him for not showing up to comment on this post. He’s too busy choking the chicken to type at the moment.

    • He better wring it good, she’ll probably want him to batter and deep fat fry it.

    • Schmidtler

      wow, really – where’s the troll to insist Jessica Simpson isn’t really fat, it’s just all you jealous boy loving homos don’t know that being morbidly obese is healthy because you’ve been brainwashed into believing that women can’t have rolls of lard flabbing all over themselves and still look good?
      On another note, let’s say you had a job that required you to keep yourself incredibly fit (actress whose roles are exclusively as a sexy young vapid eye candy broad), and then one day you find yourself swimming in BILLIONS of dollars in cash from your fashion designing job, married, and with a baby – how motivated would you still be to continue being a slave to the gym and living off salads? What reason could she possibly have to NOT blimp out on spare ribs and buckets of KFC? Please don’t tell me ‘self respect’, cuz that’s just crazy talk.

  37. BigL

    Al i gotta say is Nick dodged a Jessica Simpson size bullet here… Count your blessing Nick, Count your blessings.

  38. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks so …..happy.

    Something tells me the weekend maid at Weight Watchers’ corporate headquarters is going to stumble into the board room one evening to fined they all went out Heaven’s Gate-style for signing this banshee.

  39. Salad Face

    “Drape a nice sheet over yourself next time.” – Pauline Potter

  40. Cock Dr

    She’s a beautiful blonde moon bounce.
    That baby will never be hungry…in fact, the biggest risk for the baby is drowning.

  41. SeeAlice

    Holy Shit ! She is fater than ScarJo

  42. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    THATS NOT EVEN HER…its just some fat woman made to look similar to jess so when we see jess next time she will be all thin and we will be like omg wow…this isnt her.

  43. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    FFS – shes just had a baby – leave the girl alone!!!

    • A baby what?? Hippo?

    • JPC

      Normal people don’t gain about 80 pounds during pregnancy……then another 20 after popping the baby out.

      • FastFoodLocal151

        I totally understand women eat and gain during pregnancy, but this is a woman who freely admitted to eating crap (literally) like buttered pop tarts, fast food and the worst kind of processed junk every day of her pregnancy in bucketloads. I’m surprised her kid didn’t need a triple bypass at birth. That can’t be good for a baby in the womb.

    • jen

      she is big – and i’m a women who gained 127 lbs when i was pregnant on top of my normal weight of 180lbs, and i lost it all!!!she is in the spotlight by choice and she should lose the wieght but not for $ but for health reasons!!!!

  44. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Those boobs are wrecked for life. Looks like she will go under the knife again.

  45. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:


    Can’t believe no one has said this yet?

  46. LJ

    Have the Weight Watchers folks asked for a refund yet?

  47. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    What in the hell is this woman going to accomplish at a gym? Are they running low on medicine balls or something?

  48. Mumbler

    “Be sure next mealtime to ask for your free septuacentennial cupcake …in a cup!!!”

  49. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    That is the face of someone who was told they were going to The Sizzler only to arrive at the gym of disappointment… I do the same thing with my Labrador retriever and trips to the vet.

  50. Jessica Simpson Fat Cleavage Workout Clothes
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow. I’m exhausted just watching her get out of that vehicle!

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