Jessica Simpson Finally Gave Birth, World Asks ‘Really, Just One?’

May 1st, 2012 // 26 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy – Ed. Note: Pics are from December but were chosen for two reasons. A) That’s the approximate size I envision her newborn to be. B) Breasts.

Congratulations are in order because Maxwell Drew Johnson finally escaped the double order of Chili’s Texas Chese Fries she’s been gestating in. That’s right, Jessica Simpson gave birth to a single human being, putting to rest the twin rumors and easing the mind of her obstetrician who was overheard this morning bidding what he thought was farewell to his family. “I dreamed last night that I was running. Running so fast, but the tidal wave..I, I just couldn’t get ahead of it. Honey, you, little Jimmy and Sally will be taken care of if this thing goes bad. I want you to know that I love you and I promise I’ll spend less time on the golf course if I make it back. *picks up oxygen tank* Wish me luck.”

Photos: Fame, Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. Seriously? That sounds like a boy’s name. That poor girl.

  2. it had to be said

    No wonder she was so big. That kid must be 30-40 pounds.

  3. Shoebacca

    Really wish she’d reconsider nick-naming the baby Maxi.
    That poor girl is going to be Maxi-Pad from now on.
    (but I do think Jess will be a very devoted mom).

  4. Upon birth, Maxwell immediately headed for the bathroom, shaved and showered, then said, “Where’s the nearest bar? I’d kill for a shot or two of Makers. I’ve had nothing but amniotic fluid for 2 years.”

  5. sav

    wait a minute how old is that kid didnt she just give birth
    I see a 2 yr old child not a baby

  6. I wonder how big the debris field is from that tsunami.

    • it had to be said

      Put it this way: two years from now, when they offer to return your soccer ball that they found in Alaska, you do NOT want to take it.

  7. I can only imagine the tsunami of afterbirth that followed that kid out of her uterus. Hopefully, her obstetrician is being treated for PTSD. In related news, the entire custodial staff of Cedars Sinai has staged a walk-off.

  8. BlackAndWhite.Minstrel

    Maxwell Drew a Johnson. Two hours old and grounded.

  9. mrsmass

    i was thinking it was going to be at least a litter.

  10. El Jefe

    What a retarded asshole of a bitch, giving your daughter a boy’s name.

  11. Cock Dr

    When’s the wedding?
    I thought good Christian girls from TX always got married before birthin’….and she can’t use the “Didn’t have enough time” excuse, because this gestation went on for about a year.

  12. alexxx

    this was a really funny post!

  13. Carolyn

    Stupid ass name. And has that lantern-head fiancé got a job yet or is he still a parasite?

  14. Star Droppings

    As far as getting picked on for having a stupid name goes, Maxwell will be the safest Simpson on the short bus.

  15. cc

    I suspect her obstetricians experience went something like this

  16. Frank Burns

    Her ‘maternity suite’ for the birth cost a mere $4,000 a day:

    Lil’ Max Johnson is going to have to model a whole lot of baby clothes to pay momma back for that.

  17. On Looker

    Got Milk?

  18. Jessica Simpson Cleavage Ashlee Simpson
    Commented on this photo:

    Scary part is, that kid is a new born……. makes sense now though

  19. Why did this asshole give her girl child a boy’s name? would it really have that much harder to name the child Maxine? Stupid cunt. That child already hates you.

  20. cc

    That kid being born must have been like a 5 year old going down the waterslide at the amusement park.

  21. She should have gone with a more feminine name, like Romo, Tebow or Brady.

  22. anonymous

    here’s the first picture. I wouldn’t have expected a baby any smaller than this, given Jessica Simpson’s enormous girth…

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